I think a lot of people are confused when it comes to thinking they know me. You only know what I want you to know. You only know what I choose to post. So here is the breakdown to clear up any misconceptions or assumptions....
Social Media
- I am strong
- Im obsessed with my kids
- My kids are smartasses
- My marriage is gold
- I can handle anything put in front of me
- My circle is tiny
- Im caring, empathetic, sympathetic and compassionate
- Im an introvert
- Im obsessed with the Patriots
- Football season is my favorite time of year
- I hate cold
- I love Summer
- Aging gives me anxiety
- I miss my mother
- My ex is a piece of shit
- I dont leave my house
- My dogs run this house
- I love baking and cooking
- Im on the brink of losing my shit on a daily basis
- Some days, I just dont want to wake up
- My marriage is almost nonexistent due to the distance
- I literally have a Facetime marriage
- Disconnection on both ends happens on a weekly basis
- My kids are strong willed, like me, so there is arguing A LOT
- I only trust a handful of females in my life
- My family in Georgia is the epitome of dysfunctional
- I dont talk to either of my brothers
- My dad is on my FB but I dont speak to him either
- Im struggling every day with the kids being grown
- I feel like a failure as a mother every day
- I havent accepted my mother's suicide (it will be 10 yrs next month)
- My kids arent perfect
- My house is never immaculate
- I avoid outside interaction with everyone
- Financial struggles are the root of my problems currently
- I cuss my children out when they push me to a certain point
- I feel like its too late to do anything with my life
- Im unmotivated
- I miss my REAL best friends so bad it physically hurts
- I am SO tired of not having my husband here
Well, you get the gist. I will post a subliminal meme or quote at times but that doesnt mean I will just get over it and be ok. Truth be told, Im not ok. I dont know what will make me ok or when I will be ok. I can tell you that sometimes, it slips my mind that Im even married because I am literally living an entire life alone. There are times I wish all of my kids were stable in their lives, moved out and being taken care of or taking care of themselves. I fail because I dont know how to be a mother to adults. At their ages, they know it all. My advice or suggestions fall on deaf ears most of the time. The only thing they notice now is that I cant rescue them when they get in a jam financially anymore. We live in a huge house. Its full now. But what is it all for? So I can wake up every day, look at it all and be grateful? Of course I am. Im grateful for everything we have but Im also devastated at the things we dont have or cant provide. In the end, its my fault for poor management of my household. Sean works, I cant ask anything else from him. Do I think he wants to be home? Honestly, no. I dont. Hes in such a zone, hes content where he is...where he wanted to be, with who wants to be with. His Soldier mentality never left him so I guess Im realizing it never will and he needs what he has now to be happy in his life. Ive become an obligation and it bothers the hell out of me but it is what it is. I play it off as we've been together over 14 yrs, this is just life...but this isnt a way to live.
Do I post all of my woes and bullshit on social media? Hell no! Main reason being that there is no way in hell that out of my 650+ "friends" on FB and my 600+ followers on IG...a fraction of them actually give a shit about my life or how Im doing. The other reason, its no one's business and no one wants to see negative, dark shit across their feeds daily. Only FOUR people know what's going on daily with me. Sometimes, I dont even stay accountable with them.
Im choosing to open up here because why not? Im not fake, Im not one to say life is perfect when its anything but. Im not one to see a positive quote and apply it to myself. Im not the person who is gonna look on the bright side of things.
This is just me right now. I am who I am. Hopefully one day, I will find a way to true happiness and fulfillment. I miss the days when life was good. When all the kids were really ok. When struggling wasnt such a issue.
To my people, Ive been a shitty friend and I am very sorry. I know each of you are going through things. Just know I am thinking of you, praying for you and although, you all know Im here for you...I havent been and I suck.
To everyone else who reads this...welcome to my TRUE reality. Now you dont have to assume my life is perfect, my kids are spoiled brats and I have everything in the world because that could not be further from the truth.
I dont want or need sympathy or pity. This is just me being real and raw. Its honestly the only way I know how to be, whether its good or bad. I'm sure I'll get out of this mindset at some point and I am aware that I am the only one who can change me. Just bear with me...or dont. I'm not perfect, Im not Suzy Sunshine and I never will be.
