My Letter To Mom

Dear Mom,

Its been almost 10 yrs since you left us. Since you took yourself from us. While I finally understand why, it still hurts like it was yesterday. Yes, you made sure your kids and grandkids were stable in their lives...you left us a legacy that will live on...you provided financial means for all of us..but the physical pain of you not being here is unbearable at times.

I think of you EVERY single day. Random thoughts as I cook, bake, see something or hear something that reminds me of you. I think about how you would handle things that come up. What advice you would give. Although I try my hardest to do right by you, I fail at times. We mention you pretty much every day.

Everything that youve missed. Your grandkids' Graduations, Bailey's wedding, meeting her amazing husband. The guidance Brittany could have used in her adult life from you. Brandy growing into the exact replica of me. The transition that Sean made from Soldier to civilian. Our life in Louisiana ans Texas. Among all of the other events and life that has happened in the last 10 yrs.

Life has changed so much. Sometimes I think that things wouldnt be like this if you were still here. The dysfunction with David and his poor decisions. The rift with him and I. Mark being so lost and confused in his life. Esther and her life...you would be proud of her. She has taken on your role of being there for your sister, trying her best to keep family traditions going. All of our kids miss you so much. Im grateful my girls had the memories they have with you. All of the time you spent with them. All of the love you showed. It will stay with them forever.

For me personally...I am just crushed without you. Recently, Brandy and I went through a rough spot. It brought me back to you and I when I was growing up. I dont like to think about the bad stuff. I dont like to think of the dysfunction in our own family. I want to remember you being the supportive mother I had as an adult. The AMAZING grandmother you were. The loving mother in law you were. As an adult..when you died, I was scared. I had to solely depend on my decisions in life and trust that I was doing things right. I no longer had you to guide me, advise me, help me through the rough spots. Today, that is one thing I miss so much. Would you be proud of how I turned out? Would you be proud of how the girls were raised? All I can do now is feel confident that Im doing the best I can and yes, you would be proud. Im not perfect and of course there are things you would yell at me for, you would be disappointed in...but I cant beat myself up for that anymore.

You would be 73 years old. I wonder what kind of grandmother you wouldve been. How you wouldve handled watching time go by, watching all the kids become adults. Life is so different now. Yesterday, I found a pair of your earrings in Brandy's room and I cleaned them. I had flashbacks of when you wore them. I took out your engagement ring. I wonder if you would still be married to Bob today. Hes gone now too. Hes buried with you. We havent spoken to him since you passed but if I know you, as soon as he passed...you were right there bitching and nagging him like always...like he deserved. You shocked us with your will but it finally gave us all a sense of your true feelings about your marriage. I want to thank you for doing what you felt was necessary to give the 4 of us a family after Dad left. Bob was not the best, he was the worst in a lot of ways...but you sacrificed your true happiness so we could have a family.When he passed last year, I let go of all the hate Ive felt. I felt pity for him. Now I rarely think of him at all.

Esther and I had a rough patch but all is good now. She is the only one who can relate to my feelings about you on every level. We talk about you all the time. David and Mark live their lives how they choose but her and I will always remain close...because of you. Bryce is doing amazing. The other kids are all thriving. I cant help but know that their lives would be so much richer if you were here.

It took me a lot of years to accept what you did and why. Its taken me a lot longer to be ok with it all. The feelings of anger I had are gone. You are pain free..you are at peace and you trusted we would be ok. I was scared that memories would fade. NOT EVEN CLOSE!

I will never forget the last time I saw you. You were so serene. You had me lay in your lap like I did when I was little and you stroked my hair. You took in everything more than usual. You were calm. This was 2 weeks before you did what you did. Im sure you had it planned at this time but you were so loving. Im so grateful you had that last week with my girls.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed and feel like I cant do life anymore. But I can. I have you looking out for me, I have you looking out for my family and I need to live my life how you wouldve wanted. Im sorry I couldnt help you more than I did. Im sorry I couldnt take your pain away. Im sorry that you did the only thing you felt you could. Im sorry you arent here today. No, I dont blame myself and I dont blame you. I blame Bob but now thats he gone, I cant even do that anymore. It is what it is and life has to go on. The memories are priceless. The lessons you taught all of us are immeasurable. The legacy you left will go on forever, through each generation. You will always be remembered as a loving mother and grandmother. You put everyone else before you. You cared more than people deserved and you never gave up. Thats right, you may have taken your own life but it was because you didnt want to burden anyone, so again...you cared for others more than yourself to the very end. You are and always will be the most selfless person I will ever know. I pray some of your traits have been passed down to us.

I love you so much. I miss you every second of every day. Please continue to watch over us. Please send signs that you are with us. You are gone physically but you will never be gone from the depths of my soul and my heart. I am who I am because of you...Im grateful for our time, Im grateful that you adopted me and you are the only mother I'll ever know. The anger, frustration and resentment are gone. Its all about love and forgiveness...because that is what I envision you would want. ALL of us will be ok. ALL of us will continue living...ALL of us will get through each trial and tribulation that comes along...you didnt raise us to be weak.

I pray you hear me when I talk to you. I will never stop.

I LOVE YOU!

Love,
Brooke