Loneliness Is Addictive

I am alone 90% of the time. My husband has been home for just under 4 mths in the last 3 years. My 2 older kids dont live at home and my youngest who is 18 has her own life...work, friends, school, etc. Most of the time, Im perfectly fine by myself. However, Ive realized that Ive grown accustomed to being alone, you could say addicted in a way. 

I dont work, by choice. I have all the time in the world. I could go out and be social at any given time. I could even get a job. I have no kids to watch, no real parent responsibilities anymore. However, I CHOOSE not to do those things. Im a loner. I literally leave my house once or twice a week to go to the store and run errands. My days consist of cleaning, taking care of my dogs..and staying in my head and thoughts constantly. Since Brandy is still home and I now have Bailey here for a bit, there is more to do and more interaction and chaos. Good chaos but nonetheless, chaos. Ive found myself getting annoyed by it. Of course Im happy my kids are here, but when the house is empty, like now, I just feel more calm and content. 

Being alone has become addictive for me. When I have to go out, I spend over an hour getting ready. If only, so people who see me in public wont look at me and think I dont have my shit together. So they wont see the truth, which is that I have no life. Sadly, I chose this but Im content like this.  I have no desire to have any social interaction with anyone. I have no desire to go out and do spontaneous stuff. I literally prefer staying home in my sweats all day, every day and watching my TV shows that I have scheduled each night of the week. I have an overflowing closet of clothes and shoes that I never wear. They are there "just in case". How stupid is that? I could sell my purse collection for a fortune but I need to keep them all "just in case". I DONT GO ANYWHERE! This is NOT who I used to be.

I used to be the "hostess with the mostest" when the kids were younger. In our early and middle days in the Army. I had get togethers ALL the time. Went out to dinner ALL the time with friends. Threw parties and had tons of people over. I was a total social butterfly. When we lived in Georgia, there wasnt a weekend that went by that I wasnt out with a group of friends. Our entire families. Having dinner, hanging out, having a fabulous time. In Louisiana, it was a repeat of that. We had friends from Georgia there so it was always a great time full of friends that are family to us. When I got to Texas, I had a best friend here and when she PCSed, I just shut down. I do have friends here that Ive met. I have opportunities to hang out with people. I get invites all the time. I just dont go. When Sean started deploying with this job, it took some getting used to again. Now it takes getting used to having him home for just over a month at a time. I have my days where Im sick of doing life alone. The deployments are wearing me down. Im married but Im alone. Sometimes I feel guilty for "enjoying" my life by myself. I get anxiety when he comes home. I get anxiety at the thought of socializing. When these things happen, I absolutely love it. I have a great time and I remember why I love entertaining company. Its just not my go-to persona anymore. Why am I so content and ok with no interaction with people? Why am I so ok with not leaving my house? 

It could be that Im getting older. It could be that I just feel like I cant invest in anyone anymore. This is just who I am today. I dont necessarily like it but Im content. Part of me feels like I have no purpose. The kids are grown. I raised them and I feel like a failure at parenting adult children. Im pushing 50 yrs old. My husband is 38, Im stupid enough to have insecure thoughts to the point we are fighting over shit that has NEVER been an issue before. He loves me, would never betray or hurt me in any way. So why do I convince myself otherwise to the point I truly believe my thoughts?? Am I forcing myself to be ok with the distance between us? Is it finally getting down to the fact that I really CANT take it anymore? People see me as this strong woman that can handle anything that comes my way. Maybe Im reaching a breaking point. Maybe its perimenopause that is causing my emotions and thoughts to go fucking crazy. Maybe its a mid life crisis. Maybe Im just good at stuffing the real shit inside of me down deep enough to where I can ignore it. Maybe being alone has me going literally insane. I honestly dont know the answers. I know what I should do and think, but I block all of that. Who knows, maybe Im comfortable being an insecure, aging, paranoid loner. Is it depression? Could be.

I have a good life. I have great friends. I am just clueless on how to incorporate these things into my happiness. I dont want to reach out to anyone. I dont want to be the needy friend. I always have my shit together...or do I? Not saying Im fake in any way...just saying Im not one to burden people with my issues and problems. Instead, I make myself available to anyone at any time. Seeing people I love struggle is the WORST for me. I want to feel needed yet I dont want to need anyone. Make sense? Not to me either. 

I guess being alone so much has forced me to take a look at myself. Half the time, Im not ok with who I see. The other half is bulletproof and can handle anything and everything that comes my way. My best friends are hundreds of miles away. They have their own lives, their own family and their own things they are going through. Deployments are not easy. I got this, right? Its what we have to do at this point in time. I can deal with this life. Ive been doing it for almost 14 years. Times change. The kids got older. Our bills doubled. Life moves on. This is how I convince myself that I got this in the bag. Today, I dont.

Not only that...this rotation, Sean's job is somewhat dangerous. So I have that to think about too. There is alot happening with Graduation coming fast, Sean will be home in a month, my family bullshit that still weighs heavily on my mind, Mom's Angelversary...etc. Im more content with nothing on the calendar, nothing going on and nothing to think about. Thats just not how life is, though. This Mercury retrograde has life all fucked up for me but hopefully, this too, shall pass...QUICKLY. Im really off lately, Im stressed and Im about to lose my shit daily...but I have to believe that life will calm down soon. I have to believe that its going to be ok....only because I dont know how it could get worse right now. 

Saturday night... Bailey is back in El Paso until Friday. Bran is out with her friends so its just me and the dogs. Im going to watch Greatest Showman for the second time today and 6th time total. That movie makes me feel good for some reason so I love it! Godwilling, getting this out can help me wake up tomorrow with a different mindset. As content as I am being alone, my mindset isnt where its supposed to be. Im going to pray tonight to give me some answers that I definitely need. When shit's out of whack...my family suffers and they dont deserve it.

Just like any addiction, if it gets out of control and if you give in to the addiction, there are consequences. My addiction to being alone has them too and Im suffering these consequences now. Praying it will subside and I can get it in check. Maybe one day, I will decide to put myself out there and learn to be social again. Time will tell. Until then, my DVR awaits and there are always dishes and laundry to do!! 

9 Years Has Passed..April 26, 2009

It's hard to believe that it's been 9 years since my mom passed away. Some days, it just doesnt seem real and other days, it seems all TOO real. I remember the last time I saw her, the evening I got the call, etc like it was yesterday. It just dawned on me that on this date, 9 years ago, was the last time I saw my mother alive.

We were bringing the girls to Atlanta for Spring Break to spend it with my parents. I was going to California and flying out of Atlanta. When we got to Mom's, I noticed her in a very calm place. She seemed like she was taking every thing in for the first time. Enjoying the kids, big smile on her face and just acting happy. By this time, she wasnt too mobile so she went to lie down in her room. She called me back and had me sit next to her. She had me lay my head in her lap while she ran her fingers through my hair like she did when I was a little girl. At that moment, I was 10 years old again. I remember thinking it was strange but nonetheless, I took it all in. Looking back, I am SO grateful the girls had that week with her.

August 2007 

April 26, 2009..around 5 or 6, I got the call from my sister. "Mom's dead. She committed suicide". My entire world shattered at that moment. I fell to the floor and just screamed. I remember calling my Bestie as soon as I was able to speak. The following hours were a daze. Brittany immediately freaked out...Bailey wasnt even home so I had to tell her when she arrived from her friend's house. Brandy was sad, confused and a little lost. Getting Sean's emergency leave approved, packing to go to Atlanta, etc. One memory that sticks out for some odd reason is when we drove on post to head back to Atlanta. We pull up to the gate, it was about 430am...this gate guard gives us this cheery "Good morning!" He looks at me and tells me "Smile, its going to be a great day!" I looked at him with evil eyes and said "My mom just died so today will NOT be a good day". He was shocked and felt like shit but at that moment, I could care less. Going on no sleep, we arrived at my brother's house at 8am. I couldnt go to my mom's house. David and Esther were at Mom's when the paramedics came and took her away.  I remember that during this time, Im wondering what the hell happened. Something wasnt right and I felt it in my gut. However, I carried on and did what I had to do. My siblings, my aunt, my stepfather and I all went to the funeral home to make arrangements. In the middle of planning my mothers funeral, Bob said "We have all these credit cards together, how would I get her name off of them" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I was pissed and just shocked. Plans were made and the obituary came out. Well, it turned out that my brother is the one who wrote it. Why him, I have NO idea. But he put my name down as Brooke Brown...I had been married to Sean CONOVER for 3 years at this time. I was so pissed but there was nothing I could do. I remember meeting my aunt and siblings at my grandmother's nursing home to tell her that her child had passed away. She was in her late 90s. She could barely speak but watching her rock back and forth and moan "My baby" broke my heart. My aunt made the decision not to tell her when the funeral was because she didnt think she could handle it. She was at the house after the funeral was over though.

At the funeral, the family was given the option to go see her one more time. I wouldnt let my kids see her but I decided to go. I refused to go see her at the funeral home. But I decided I needed to see her this last time. Sean walked in with me. When I saw her, I fell to my knees. Looking back, I wish I hadnt seen her because that is my last memory of her. The service, burial, etc was nice but I was glad it was over

This whole time, my siblings and I just didnt understand a lot of things. So many unanswered questions. Mom left a note. It said to tell everyone she had a heart attack in her sleep. She left a list of Bob's medication schedule and doctors appts, etc.  After the funeral, I was in town for 4 more days. The night after, we were gathered in the office at Mom's house. It was me, my brother and his wife, my stepsister and her husband and Bob. Out of the blue, my brother blurted out "Did you do it? Did you have anything to do with it?" His answer "I cant answer that for legal reasons" UMM WHAT?! We had a hunch he was involved but couldnt put it together. Without going into detail, we realized there was NO WAY my mother couldve taken her life the way she did alone. She had to have assistance. Well, his answer didnt sit well at all. My brother lunged at my stepdad. Me and my sister in law were trying to get between them while screaming for Sean to come in there. He was entertaining the kids in the living room. My stepsisters husband jumped up which was pointless. A 50 something yr old dude gonna fight my pissed off 30 something yr old Colombian brother. Not so much. Sean came in, grabbed my brother and dragged him out of the house. We gathered the kids and left. During this time, before the drama, my sister in law found a journal on mom's computer that she kept. She printed it out so we could all have a copy. There, we saw how miserable she was on a daily basis. How depressed she was and how she just wanted it to end. Well after things calmed down, we were correct. My stepfather assisted my mother in killing herself. It turned out that in February, she ordered a book called "The Final Exit". A book about painless suicide. She told Bob not tell us. Well FUCK THAT. He shouldve told HER children her plans. All the drama had subsided and I had voiced days later that I wanted to go through Mom's things to get some things to keep for my children. That caused a shitstorm of its own. It turned out that my sister and I went over there. Bob had my mom's belongings laid out in the sun room like a fucking garage sale. It was pretty disgusting to see. I took some of Mom's things but I was specifically looking for a multi carat diamond ring that my grandma had given my mom. Bob had "no idea" what I was talking about. That was a total crock of shit. It came time for me to leave the house and leave town. I looked at Bob and said "Im sorry but to me, you will always be the man that killed my mom". He said "I dont want to be that". Oh well, it is what it is. I left and that was the last time I was ever at Mom's house. The house I grew up in.

The weeks and months that followed were kind of a blur. Her will came out and was probated, etc. It was then that we finally knew my mom's true feelings. She left Bob the house that was paid off, their joint checking and savings accounts and THAT WAS IT. She left all of her investments and her money to us 4 kids. She left her life insurance and her pension to the grandkids. 

We got back home and we had to prepare to PCS to Fort Polk, La. Sean was able to defer his orders a couple of months because I had no idea what I would need to do as far as her estate or legal things associated with her passing. We were only 4 hours from Atlanta at this time at Fort Stewart, Ga. 

In July, we moved. Thats about the time when all of the will and legalities began. My stepfather started to come at us with "reasons" he needed money. Well, seeing that we never got along, how he made my mother miserable, it was a big NOPE! The 4 of us agreed to pay for the funeral. How he came up with a $20K amount is beyond me but as it was we paid him that amount. After that, contact was hardly ever. I knew that in a year, I would have to see him again when we went back for Mom's headstone dedication (Its Jewish tradition). 

When we went back in 2010, it was a wonderful gathering. The 10 grandkids all putting rocks around her marker. The family and close friends just being together and remembering her. It turns out that my stepdad picked out her marker. We were pissed for many reasons. It was plain, simple and never mentioned being  a "loving sister" as her and my aunt were best friends. The marker also had room for my stepfather's name. As it turned out, they purchased a plot together. When I would go to the cemetary, I covered his side because he didnt deserve to be buried next to Mom.

The Aftermath

As time went on, Mom was never far from my mind, my heart, my conversations, etc. In 2012, we got orders to move to Fort Hood, Texas. We went to Georgia in 2013. I havent been back since then. The kids have a few times. They have my ex's side of the family there. 

When I think about it, I have NEVER grieved losing my mother. I never broke down. There have been times when its almost happened but Ive stopped myself. I feel like if I do, I will never stop crying. Instead, I talk about her, I remember her every single day. Throughout the years, Ive come to a place of being completely lost. Since she died, Ive had NO ONE to to let me know if Im making the right decisions in life. NO ONE to show me the unconditional love and acceptance that only a mother can give. I had to learn to trust my own decisions and trust that she would be proud of them. Relationships dwindled within our family through the years. As a matter of fact, after my mother's dedication in 2010, I had not spoken to my stepdad at all. None of us really have, except David...and even that wasnt very often. 

Mom was the foundation of our family. We got together for her and because of her. After she died, there was no one to keep it together. I tried and tried but in the end, it didnt work. You could call it "family drama" but to me, it just is what it is. I no longer talk to my brother, David. Mark is just doing his own thing and currently, my sister and I arent speaking except for text arguments here and there. Some of the reasons for this are in my previous blogs. The one thought that runs through my mind DAILY is "If Mom were here, NONE of this would be happening". There is no one to mediate. There is no one to call out the others. There is no "reason" to make things better. I honestly think I have struggled with this the most. My siblings have a very selfish way about them and if it doesnt affect them or their lives, its easy to just blow off and forget. I take on everyone's feelings and emotions. I made the decision to cut off the people in my life that cant accept me or appreciate me for who I am. I wont be taken for granted or treated like crap anymore. I wont tolerate certain behaviors from people. I became selfish in the sense that MY family and my sanity had to come first.

9 yrs later. Today. I sit here in my home in Texas. Preparing for my youngest to graduate high school. Just one more event that Mom will be missing. Thankfully Brandy will be wearing Mom's pearls at Graduation just as Bailey did at hers in 2015. I have no desire to ever go back to Georgia. The ONLY reason I want to go is to visit Mom. My siblings and my aunt dont ever go, which angers me to no end. I would give anything to be able to go sit with her whenever I wanted to. Our family is no longer. There is so much anger and resentment from everyone towards everyone, its unfixable. Too many hurtful things have been said and done. Im struggling with accepting all of this. But I will, in time. On New Years Eve, I got a text...not even a phone call...from my sister. She heard from our brother, through text, that Bob (our stepdad) had died. No other details. Not even a date of when he passed. So I did some digging, called my aunt and got the details. Apparently, he had cancer that was removed. It came back aggressively and he passed away at home on Dec 27, 2017. He had his adult children there. I never stayed in contact with them either. I was feeling some kind of way when I heard this. I hated this man. I wished bad things on him for the way he treated us and the way he treated Mom and finally, for assisting Mom is her suicide. I wasnt sad but I wasnt happy. I was even annoyed that he was being buried next to Mom. I found his obit and it was obviously written by his daughter...barely mentioned Mom and only mentioned our first names. Its whatever and I dont even care about it. I did the cordial thing and even sent flowers and a sympathy card to his kids and grandkids when I found out. I can say that with him gone, most of the anger Ive had towards him is gone. I cant hate him anymore. Honestly, I just picture my mom berating the hell out of him in the afterlife and it is deserved. I know she will deal with him now.

It took me so long to come to terms and accept why Mom chose to end her own life. It was so selfish. How could she leave us like that?! I get it now. I understand how with her unexplained illness and pain, she could never live her life dependent on anyone because that just wasnt her. The time that she did this, all of her children were in a stable place in their lives. That explains the serenity I felt from her the last time I saw before she passed. She prepared for this and prepared for her kids and grandkids to be taken care of. She had actually changed her will a few months prior. She had it all under control and handled, for lack of better terms. I resented Bob all this time because he shouldve and couldve done more to make her life easier. He couldve helped more than he did. Every single day I wish Mom was here. Life for all of us would be so different than it is today. I have her cookbook collection and as many times as Ive tried, I cant bring myself to look through them. I have a box full of her things and I go through it once a year however, when I start to lose it, I close it up and compose myself. I have a few of her clothing items that just hang in the closet. I have my memories. Im so scared that one day, those will fade.

 My mother wanted me. She chose me. She handpicked me out of the other kids in that orphanage. She spent her life trying to make me feel wanted, even if others never did. For that, I am grateful. She was the best hands on grandmother ever! Her grandkids were literally her main JOY. When I had Brittany, her first grandchild, I never imagined that she could and would be such an amazing grandmother. Im so glad she had the years that she did with them. 

There are just so many questions that I need answers to. I need reassurance from the only person that I believed in without a doubt. I need guidance. I need to know if Im living the right way. Raising my kids the right way. Making her proud. A huge part of me feels like I am but there will always be that piece that is left wondering. I know she is at peace and pain free. Sometimes I struggle with if she is truly watching over us. I want to believe this so I do. I want to believe that when I think of her and talk to her, she knows and she hears me. It feels like every day, I wait for some sign from her that everything will be ok. Sometimes little things happen and sometimes nothing happens. I just have to have faith that Im doing the best I can. I have to believe that she IS proud of me. Life must go on and although every day is a struggle without her, I have to keep living and moving forward.  All of the things and events that she's missed, the kids growing up..it breaks my heart to think about it. That is where I am today. Lots of heartbreak of everything that has transpired since she passed. Ive begun to grieve her, little bits at a time but I always stop myself. I dont feel like I can handle all of the emotion that comes along with it. I pride myself with the strength I have. Not many people see me break down. I dont allow myself to break down. Something deep inside stops me from doing it. Im scared to do it. Im scared to go through the emotions it will bring out. Im scared of the aftermath of it all. I shed a few tears, cry it out for a few and let it go. I pray that one day, I am able to fully deal with this the right way. For now, I will keep remembering her. I will live each day the way I need to. Whatever happens between my siblings and I will just happen. I know Ive done all I could without losing myself completely. This is life today for me. Lots of questions and lots of confusion. Thankfully, I have distractions to keep me from totally going insane. 

What will happen from this point on? I have NO CLUE! The future scares me. Feeling alone scares me. Knowing I dont have that ONE person in my life anymore scares me. Im almost 50 yrs old and all I can do is live life each day and whatever happens, happens. My family turmoil may never be fixed. Like Ive learned to accept and somewhat deal with Mom's death, I will learn to accept and adapt to this.

Let me add that this life altering situation has made me view suicide from a totally different viewpoint. Since this happened, Ive had friends that have commited suicide, attempted suicide and had thought of suicide. This is NOT the answer. I feel sad when anyone feels like this is their only option. HOWEVER, for my mother, I understood. I really had no choice but to put myself in her situation. For me to be able to move on, I had to accept this. Its a touchy subject for me. Its a sensitive subject for me. If anyone ever feels like this is the only way out of your situation or problems, get in touch with me. I can guarantee I can help you find other ways to cope. Suicide is nothing to take lightly. Sadly, I had to find out the hard way.