Just Want To Enjoy Football Again

First, I will make this clear...IN NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM DO I AGREE WITH OR CONDONE DISRESPECTING OUR FLAG IN ANY WAY...

Now, this is my opinion on this clusterfuck that is happening in this country right now. I have A LOT of different feelings about a lot so bear with me before you get all high and mighty on your soapbox. Try to be open minded because not everyone is going to agree with you. Not everyone is going to see your point. Not everyone feels like you or thinks like you. If people dont want to respect my feelings or opinions, I honestly dont give a fuck because they wont change. Im not one to conform to what is "right", Im not a follower. I have my thoughts, this is my blog so Ill say whatever the fuck I want.

Ive NEVER seen more division in this country before. It makes me sick to my stomach. It has me afraid for the young children who are being raised in this bullshit. This is not what America is about. 

Just because you support a person or a cause, it doesnt mean that you have to like everything about it. It doesnt mean that you have to accept things that bother you or just arent right, to you. With that said, I never get political. I voice my opinions about some things but never to the point where I know it will get radical or out of control. Main reason being, how I feel, who I support in what...DOESNT FUCKING MATTER! 

On that note...We are a military family. The way this country deals with the military, executive decisions that are made, affect my family..whether its my son in law who serves, my husband who served 15 yrs or my countless friends that have served and still serve today. Taking a knee at these professional sports games if disrespectful! It shouldnt be allowed. It even states in the NFL rules that players, owners, etc should stand when the National Anthem is played. When Kaeperdick started this, I was pissed. Then others followed and as this went on in the league, I realized that my feelings didnt matter. Honestly, he has the right to do this. They all have the right to do this. Do I feel like its wrong? FUCK YES! The National Anthem represents the men and women who served, who serve and especially those that have died for this country. I take it personally. Ive had friends who have given their lives for this country. I have people that sacrifice their lives to fight for this country. My husband gave 15 yrs to this country. I dont feel like "taking a knee" or refusing to stand does anything but disrespect those that the National Anthem represents.

These players that are "protesting"...they have chosen to use the WRONG situation, the WRONG platform to make their cause known. If you are protesting oppression, etc...what does the National Anthem and those it honors have to do with that?! I get that minorities deal with racist bullshit on the daily. I get the different treatment they may encounter on a daily basis simply because of their skin color. Its not right, its disgusting! Hell, being Asian..I get stereotyped too! Not to the extreme that African Americans do but it happens. Ive dealt with racism before. Being called a Chink in elementary school, being an Asian Jew...WHOA! That wasnt "normal". (I was adopted by white parents when I was 8 mths old) There are ways to make your cause known but you need to make sure that its being directed to the ones that can actually make a change. The service members who died for this country, the ones who the National Anthem honors, cant do anything. THIS FLAG IS WHAT THEY DIED FOR. Disrespecting the anthem DOES mean you are disrespecting these fallen heroes. 

Instead of taking a knee, why dont ALL of these sports figures organize a PEACEFUL protest march. A PEACEFUL rally to make their point. Yes, NFL games have a huge audience. But in my opinion...fuck, JUST PLAY BALL! Im not discounting their feelings. Im not saying that ball players are good for only  playing ball. Im saying you get paid A LOT of money to do what you do, do something that can really make a change. All this is doing is dividing everyone even more and for me personally, it has turned the ONE thing that brings me joy every week, the ONE thing that brings me total happiness..into a total shitshow full of political BULLSHIT! THAT is what pisses me off about this whole thing.

As far as what started this...yea, Kaeperdick did however President Trump's speech at the rally in Alabama really amped shit up more than it needed to be. I get his point, I agree for the most part but fuck...the way he said it and came across..NOT GOOD AT ALL! Calling them SOBs, the way he tweets without thinking, TO ME...its just not appropriate and its not Presidential. Calling out Steph Curry was just petty. Steph made it known MONTHS AGO that he wasnt going to go to the White House right after they won the Championship. So what?! Alot of players didnt want to go. A lot of my Patriots DIDNT go when it was their time. They have that right. But because a RECENT interview with Steph happened where he stated again, he didnt want to go and they would discuss it as a team...Trump called him out on Twitter and rescinded the invitation to the team. To me, that was some petty high school bullshit. Some love Trump for his lack of filter. Some hate him for it. I feel like he needs to get off Twitter and he needs to word things more professionally so more people will want to listen. I predicted on Saturday that there will be a show of numerous teams and players taking a knee and responding to his speech in Alabama. I was right. I think that these players and owners who spoke up, took a knee, linked arms together..it wasnt so much a protest of their beliefs but more of a FUCK YOU to Trump. SO here we have MORE division in this country and not only are people that stayed quiet before are now speaking up...there is just so much anger. Trump gets TONS of disrespect. I think its wrong. Hes the POTUS, no one in that position should be disrespected, if not only for the fact that he is the leader of this county, whether you like it or not. To be fair, Obama got disrespected too. Its just wrong as a whole. Trump has a problem with inserting his foot in his mouth and he has a problem with the way he name calls and calls people out...in other words, his Twitter looks like a high school kid's account. He is the President, he has done some great things for this country, some questionable but he needs to work on the way he presents himself. These players, owners...of course they are going to support each other. Its a family. Just like I have my military family. Some people took a knee, some stood, some stood and linked arms. Some teams chose not to participate and stayed in the locker room. You cant blame these guys for supporting their brothers, their family. If you follow certain players, you know what their stance is. I was actually disappointed in the many Patriots players that took a knee. Devin McCourty did a press conference after to explain why they did this, bcos the Pats players have NEVER taken a knee. He explained that he knows people will see it as hate, that they would see it for something other than the reason they were doing it. He went to say that a lot of players came to him, as a leader, confused on what to do and how to deal with this. They took a knee as a sign of unity and support for those that were called SOBs the night before. He stated how much they do support our military, alot came from military families. Like I said before, this is where I feel the wrong platform was used to get their point across. Ive followed D-Mac for YEARS. I dont agree with the actions at all but I can see it from his point of view. However, Ive lost a lot of respect for him that I once had. Alejandro Villanueva of the Steelers is a FUCKING HERO! Former Ranger who was the LONE Steelers player that came out and stood for his National Anthem! Sunday's "protest" was not about the cause, I feel. I honestly think it was a show of unity against the harsh words that our President said. Yes, he is our President..whether anyone likes it or not.

A random thought...how the fuck are the Jaguars and Ravens gonna take a knee when our anthem is played IN LONDON but stand for God Save The Queen??? Way to show England how much you disrespect your own country..yall looked like fools and Im sure everyone at Wembley had a great laugh at your expense. Sad thing is, it was at this country's expense.

Keep politics out of sports. PERIOD

My Sundays are the day of the week I anticipate most. If you didnt know, I am obsessed with the Patriots. Have been for a long time. But in recent years, I realized how much joy I truly get from watching my favorite football team. I love sports in general. I watch baseball, championship games in basketball, hockey, soccer, the Olympics, etc. Its exciting for me to see these athletes accomplish what few can. The high level of competition. The unpredictability of the outcomes (usually lol). It gives me a rush. My family knows not to call me during the Pats games. My friends know that Im stressing through out the game. The friendly banter is fun. Sports brings people together. Politics has ruined it, as of late. While I get it, I hate it. Yesterday I was so excited because my favorite game of the season was on. My Pats against the Texans which is my 2nd fave team. I woke up and didnt feel the excitement I usually do. Because I knew the BS from the weekend would come to light. Instead of these teams playing, the main focus would be who took a knee and the protests. Teams, broadcasters..all taking sides, giving their views...who gives a shit?! I want to hear who is favored, I want to hear stats, I want to hear about match ups, who could break records, etc. This political shit ruined it for me. The Pats won in an amazing finish in the last minute of the game. Usually I wouldve been on a high for quite a while after. I would usually be going back and forth with banter between my friends and I on FB. None of that because every other post was about the fucking protests. Some of my friends have decided to boycott the NFL. Totally respect that and see their point. I wont. I wont give up what makes me happy. I will, however, not watch until after the anthem is over. Im over all of this. I want to see them play, thats it. Its just sad to me that America's favorite past time has become such a loaded crock of shit. 

Again, let me say that my political support has no bearing on my opinion of whats happening. I understand both sides of this, both sides have gone about this in a fucked up way. Also, let me add that I refer to Colin as Kaeperdick because he is. Oh and I dont believe he is being blackballed by the NFL. I think he isnt on a team because he sucks at his job, playing football. I also think that until Hollywood and all of these sports figures really make a difference (besides running their mouths to the press) they need to do their jobs and stop using their celebrity status to further divide this country. 

Just a month ago and since then, this country was slammed with multiple hurricanes causing catastrophic damage. Earthquakes in Mexico and all over the world. Houston, Florida, especially Puerto Rico and Mexico are suffering. As in wondering where food will come from. If only people would worry about these things instead of those things, maybe a difference could be made. During this weekend, my friend who has family in PR offered to take up donations to send to PR. On her own dime. I reposted for her many times. Almost NO shares, NO comments, NO support...but tons of comments on football posts, etc...thats a fucking problem in itself!

GO PATRIOTS!!!!!!

Empty Nest ..FULL Of Love

When I started having children, I never thought too much on how they would turn out as adults. Thinking of them in their 20s really seemed a lifetime away. All that mattered is that they were fed, clothed, housed and I was doing everything in my power to make sure their giggles and smiles were a daily constant. All anyone ever wants is their children to be happy in the end. 

Today, two of my daughters are in their 20s, living away from my home and the last one is almost 18, graduating high school in June. Seriously, where did the time go?! I see friends my age with small children, I see kids that Ive watched grow up and start their own families. Needless to say, I feel old. At times, I wish I had those times back with my babies. Dressing up for Halloween, the innocent excitement around the holidays. Planning huge themed birthday parties. Putting my babies to bed every night...the times when I was needed every single minute of every single day. The times when a nap wasnt possible. When I couldnt pee without a little girl knocking at the door or literally sitting in the bathroom with me. Even something as simple as pouring them a drink 50 times a day whenever they were thirsty. Being a mom to babies and small children is NEVERENDING, its exhausting but oh how I miss it now.

When my oldest left home, it was to go live with her boyfriend back in Louisiana. We were in Texas at the time. She did it in a shady way. She went to visit him and informed me she wasnt coming back. Talk about a gut punch! She was 18, I knew there was really nothing I could do about it. My first thought was "Was her life here that bad that she has to run away from me?" I was pretty distraught for a couple weeks and it was hard for me not to take this personally. I learned later on, I had no reason to feel that way and it wasnt about me at all. She needed to find her way...the way SHE wanted to. She didnt graduate HS, she was moving back to that little shit town where they met when we were stationed there, she had no job. At 18, what could I do about it? Not a damn thing. Acceptance eventually came. I didnt have a choice. I could decide to not talk to her or be supportive but that is pointless. She is my daughter, Im her mother. Its my job to be there for her and guide her the best I could. Her sisters were indifferent and when she left, our family dynamic changed. Yes, ONE person can make a huge difference. Through the years, she came back home a few times. In my mind, I hoped it was permanent. But I knew better. Fights and breakups happen. Especially with young couples who are trying to find their way in their lives. Thankfully, she ended up getting her GED so I was satisfied with that. During these times, it was my job to make sure her life continued. She was an adult now, not a teenager, not a baby. She couldnt hole up in her room and be depressed. She had a life to create for herself and it was my job to make sure she did just that. I am very grateful today and very proud of her. She is back in Louisiana now, after living in Houston for 3 years...with the same boyfriend. They are going on 7 years being together. They FINALLY have their shit together. They have their own house, great jobs and are living THEIR life together. I dont see her often enough so thank god for FaceTime.

I finally got used to having just my two younger girls at home. Both in school, doing their thing. Bay really cracked down her Junior year and her life consisted of school and work. That was it. We rewarded her with a car for her 16th birthday. I was looking forward to her graduating and going to college, etc. In the meantime, I was dealing with my youngest going through a rebellious stage in her life so my plate was totally full at this time. Bay's senior year came around. She continued to do amazing in school. She had a boyfriend who was just a great kid all around. Before we knew it, Graduation was just around the corner. She was working, he was working...their down time was spent together and they were just happy. When they graduated, they had a plan. They both enrolled in CTC and went to college during the day and worked at night. Well halfway through the semester....CURVE BALL! James decided he wanted to enlist in the Army. College wasnt his thing. He's not my son so my opinions on this didnt matter. Well Bay stayed with it. But together, they made the decision that they wanted to get married before he left for Basic. WHAT?!!! My daughter getting married at 18 yrs old?!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD! I wasnt against it because of James because we loved him and he was part of our family anyway. It was the mother in me worrying about what her life was going to be like. Obviously, she knew this Army life being an Army Brat. I used that to bring me back down to earth and think rationally. James is an Army Brat too so him enlisting wasnt a total shocker. So these 2 kids that JUST graduated high school decided to take after their parents...him enlisting like his parents and her being an Army Wife, like me. I honestly had no argument. While I didnt prefer this lifestyle for her, I knew without a doubt that she could do it. She had what it takes to live this life and I KNEW that I could guide her and mold her into being a strong, brave and resilient Army Wife. Sean was deployed and he came home a week before their wedding. It wasnt huge but it was enough for them. Courthouse wedding, which is the Army norm, then a family get together after. What an overwhelming week! Sean coming home, preparing this wedding, Bay finishing her finals the DAY before she got married. CRAZY is an understatement. Learning to adapt to things that come up is what we do. Its the "Army Way" so this was just one of those situations. With the support of both of their families, I knew they would be ok. She was home through his Basic Training and AIT. 6 mths. She visited him a few times, we all went to Ft Jackson for his BCT Graduation, she went to Ft Leonard Wood for his AIT Graduation. It was hard for her, she had her moments but damn, she is fucking amazing. She kept herself busy when he was gone, had her quick sad moments but didnt let it define her and she kept living her life while he did what he had to do. With her home, she was my right hand. She ran errands for me, helped with driving Bran where ever she needed to be, she did what an young adult would do to help out their parents. When it was time for her to leave in November for their first duty station...I was dreading it. Luckily they got Ft Bliss...still in Texas but 8 hours away. But I had to cut my rope and let her go live her married life her way. I held onto to the fact they were coming home for Christmas so that definitely helped that goodbye not seem so bad. Bran and Bay got super close by this time and it devastated her when her sister and best friend left. Well, the kids have been in El Paso for almost a year now. They come home a lot and I definitely love that. Bran has visited a lot, as well. We enjoy them being so accessible now because we know we wont have this luxury when they PCS somewhere else. They are doing WONDERFUL! James is kicking ass and fast tracking in the Army, Bailey is finding her place...looking for a job to keep her busy. They are finding out what being in the real world is about...paying bills, responsibilities, etc. Could NOT be more proud! 

Currently, its just me and Bran. Shes in her senior year and working, as well...she is my LAST ONE home. I cant lie so I will say that I almost thought this day wouldnt be here. She is my mini me. She was me as a teenager. Lord, this child gave me 90% of my grey hair and worked my nerves to the core! Her younger teenage years couldve been the death of me. Rebellious is an understatement. Without going into details...the sneaking out, the lying, the partying, the not caring about her grades...HELLO YOUNG BROOKE! For reasons we wont go into, she didnt get her license when she turned 16. Bad decisions have consequences. However, I DID start hounding her to get a job. I felt like it was important and that she needed something in her life to distract her from the bad choices she was making. Her first interview ever, she nailed it and was hired on the spot. I knew I would have to take her and pick her up, etc but what else was I going to do? Its not like I had a life so it was all good. This job was the BEST thing thats ever happened to her. TOTAL 180! She has been there over a year. In this last year, she has shown what amazing work ethic she has. She is learning the value of money. While she doesnt have a lot of responsibility, she does pay her phone bill and she realizes that if she doesnt work, she wont have the money to do the things she wants. Ive made it clear that her extra curricular and social life will not be on my dime and it shouldnt. When she has those moments of wanting to quit, she doesnt. She likes making money. She knows they count on her and doesnt want to let them down. During football season, she has A LOT on her plate. School, work and filming football games...JV and Varsity...even traveling with the team hours away for games. Her schedule is full. This last year, she has grown so much. The time we spend together is cherished. She tells me everything going on in her life. She has no time to get in trouble and finally, she is making good choices and using her head to make good decisions and judgments in her life. Its hard but I finally see her as a semi young adult. She knows this year is it. No more making up classes she does bad in, no more summer school opportunities..if she does bad, she wont walk across that stage in June. Its simple. She doesnt know what she wants to do after high school and thats ok. Our agreement is that she will continue to work and take classes at CTC until she figures it out. She will find her way. She has to because I cant do it for her.

So my girls are grown. My nest is pretty much empty. Bran is never here so Im alone most of the time. Thank God for my dogs lol They give me a purpose haha With all of the girls living THEIR lives, making their own decisions. Knowing that wrong choices have consequences..it would be easy to say that my job is done. I look at them with so much pride. They are strong, resilient, independent, smart young women. The life lessons I raised them with shine throughout their daily lives. They arent involved in drugs, they arent out being irresponsible, they are caring, empathetic, well rounded women. I couldnt ask for more than that. I think Ive done a pretty damn good job, considering the lives we lived when I had them to now. 

The BEST part of all of this is...my job is NOT done! It never will be. Ive gotten sad, even depressed about them growing up and going out on their own into this world. This world that I cant shelter and protect them from. This world where I cant control what they do. I can guide them but the end decision is theirs and theirs alone. I have no choice but to let them fly. Make their own decisions...be there if they fall. I am their mother and that will never change. To this day, I am so fortunate that we are all as close as we are. Brit still calls me when she is sick, calls me for the tiniest reasons, advice, etc...at almost 23 yrs old, she still needs her Momma every other day. Bay is 20, married and living her life but this one...ohhhh she is a mommas girl through and through. Literally calls me 10 times a day, even if its to bitch at me for not calling her! Bran voluntarily tells me whats happening in her life. Hangs out with me, actually treats me like her friend, which is HUGE for teenagers!  We clash a lot but its because we are just alike and what 17 yr old DOESNT clash with their mom?  Granted, my girls still piss me off, they have my attitude after all. But they know I am there for them, no matter what. I guide them to make the best decisions for them. I make them choose for themselves. I dont tell them what to do because its now their lives. They have to live with the consequences of what they do, whether its good or bad. Good times and the struggles. Its called learning to survive in this world. if they struggle, I help them figure out solutions. If they fall, Im there to help them pick themselves back up because I can no longer do it for them. Yes, I still spoil them. Theyre my babies. Yes, I still help them out financially if they need it...however, the difference is now, they know they have to pay me back. They know they always have a home here. After all, they are a huge part of what makes this a home for me. I will always have rooms for them to sleep in. I will always spoil them when they visit. I will cook what they like, I will stock my house with little things they like. I will go out of my way to make sure they never leave my house empty handed. Whether its sending them off with something as small as food for their trips home. This is a way of doing things that I learned from my mother. I want my girls to feel like I did when I went home to visit my mom. Even though I get lonely and sad at times, I know that my girls will always need me. I will always be their #1. I have 3 best friends for the rest of my life. SO grateful that I literally know what my grown children are doing and how they are doing on a daily basis. I hope this never changes. Not all parents are this lucky. Not all parents are this close with their grown children. Seeing them today confirms that through all the doubt I had, all the fears I had raising them..they turned out pretty damn amazing. As hard as it is to cut the strings and let them fly, I have total faith that they will do whats best for them and I take solace in that they know in their hearts, this will always feel like home for them and I will always be there in any and every thing they go through in life.

Now....to figure out what to do with myself. With Sean deployed, its hard to get excited about this chapter of my life. We are supposed to be enjoying this kid free time together. But life has its curve balls and we just have to adapt. i will find my way eventually. I will figure out how to find a life of my own. But for now, Im going to drown in my girls' lives while I can. Take in every second of Bran's senior year. Sean and I will have our time. Its just a MATTER of time. Soaking in the present, knowing futures are unknown. I have to learn to enjoy this point in my life now because at some point, I will have grandkids and that is a whole other experience that will make my world turn upside down, but in a good way. 

Life goes on, time goes by, you just have to learn to use that time the best way possible...for YOU! 

THEN

NOW

I'm A Walking Double Standard Hypocrite

Yup, that's me and for the FIRST time, I can own that shit!

Like most people, I can give advice...GREAT advice...but in my own world, I dont apply it. I dont even have an answer as to why that is. Maybe its because everyone else's problems matter more than mine in my eyes. It could be because I dont "off" my shit on other people. I dont like burdening others with my problems, feelings, issues, etc. No one cares about what Im going through. No one gives a shit about my daily struggles. No one cares about my emotional or mental well being. What matters to me is that everyone I am surrounded by or stay in touch with is doing ok. That they are happy, content and living life to their fullest potential. People come to ME, no way in hell do I reach out. Yet, I preach that problems cant be solved alone. I preach for my friends to reach out for help. I tell my friends "we will get through this together" or "I will carry you until youre strong enough to carry yourself" or "Im there for you at any time or place"..."You are not alone"...

So why in the hell does this not apply to myself?! Why cant I let people in to help me? Because I dont feel like Im worth the trouble. I can handle my shit on my own and I dont need anyone's help or guidance. I dont feel like my problems or anything Im going through is important. Everyone else comes before me. I think I learned this from my mother. Being selfless, caring and nurturing. While those are wonderful traits to have, Ive realized that it can also bite me in the ass...HARD! Whether its putting myself in a position to get taken advantage of, whether its allowing people to suck the life out of me, making it so I feel like I just dont matter to anyone. The worst thing about this is, Im totally fine with that. Like how fucked up is that???

So yesterday was a SHITTY DAY! Like it was absolutely terrible. I gave no fucks. I just didnt care. I was more than willing to go through whatever it was alone. I was not willing to put anymore effort into making things better. I dont like to say I gave up but that is exactly what I did. I was DONE! It would pass and Id be fine eventually. In reality, Id been feeling negative for a while now. How did I deal? I snapped at my kids. I snapped at my husband. I turned dumb shit into huge issues and let that fester into resentment. I used all the minor bullshit to allow me to unleash all my anger towards life onto him. I also engulfed myself in other things. Other people. Distractions. I can say now that as devastating as it is, I let the natural disasters around the world affect me in a way that it redirected my sadness about my own life to others. I cried for days about Hurricane Harvey and the devastation. Of course, it was horrible. Of course it was worrisome. But in hindsight, to let it affect me as bad a it did...ummm no. In a way, I subconsciously used that as an outlet.

I posted a blog yesterday of quotes which pretty much explained how I was feeling. The lazy way of expressing myself. Well, a very close friend, I can definitely say she is a best friend of mine, called me. Literally at the height of my IDGAF state of mind. I was so irate, I was currently arguing with my husband over text messages and there she was, her FT call came through. Talk about unleashing the gates of hell. I fucking raged! I was so fucking angry at my husband. I vented to her, I let a lot of it out. I didnt ask for her to hear me out, it just happened. Looking at her as I did this, I could see that she was in shock. She has seen me pissed off but never irate like this and I could see she literally didnt know what to say or do. Im the one who has it together. Im the one who comes up with solutions. She is the emotional one. She is the one that I build up when shes upset. We've been friends since about since 2007-2008. She has seen me go through some shit..in my life, in my relationship, you name it. Shes always been supportive. We have definitely been through a lot together. After we hung up yesterday, I was still off. Very off. That evening, her boyfriend texted me. As it turns out, her boyfriend is a battle buddy of Sean's and one of his few best friends. N and J have been together for over 2 years and yes, I take credit for them meeting, TOTALLY lol J and I have obviously been friends for a very long time. He and Sean are brothers but he and I have also formed a friendship of our own through the years. Its even been said that he and I talk more than him and Sean. To us, totally normal. Im a chick so Im here to talk real shit with him. Sean and J are dudes so when they talk, its about dude stuff, stupid shit, Army days....regular guy stuff but to them, that is what makes them KNOW how close they were. Besides youre not going to see dudes talk to each other about feeling, relationships, etc. J and Sean are guy's guys. Demented, twisted, smartass, straight up brothers. 

Back to his text....

"Alright Hooker, N tells me yall are back to square one. Spill the beans"

Of course I didnt mind that N told J about Sean and I. I expected it. They both love us and they want us ok. Ive talked to them both through the years when Sean and I have had problems before. I even flew J out to visit a couple years ago to snap some reality into Sean. That didnt happen but nonetheless, the visit was great, much needed and the surprise made it totally worth it. It had been 10 yrs since they saw each other. I have been there for J and N through problems in their relationship. Its good when a person knows both people well enough that they can be neutral and 100% honest about shit. Thats how we are with each other. No bullshit, no sugarcoating, no pussy footing...its more like "Mother Fucker, tell me whats up and then Ill tell you where YOU went wrong" or somewhere along those lines. Its honesty at its purest. That kind of friendship is very special. Its from a place of pure love, as rude as we get with each other, its true lol

N "recruited" J into this because with my dominant personality, she felt like he could talk to me and get down to the real issues I was having. I can honestly say that NO ONE has EVER talked to me the way J does. Even my husband says that. My kids get a kick out of hearing him me call me out on my shit because no one does. I dont allow it and I dont take it well so I project all that shit elsewhere. I cant do that with J. He is literally is in my face, here is what youre doing and gives me a male's point of view on what he thinks of the situation. Whats even better is that he knows Sean as well, in some ways better, than me. J doesnt give a damn if I get pissed at him because me hearing the truth and getting mad is better than me being in denial about what I THINK is the problem. He knows I love him and if I get pissed, Ill get over it. I love our dynamic though. He wont hesitate in calling me a dumbass mother fucker because I refuse to see Sean's side of anything. Because Im so self righteous and because Im hypocritical...TO THE MAX.

Well I proceeded to ATTEMPT to unleash to J everything I unleashed to N earlier. Well that didnt go over the same AT ALL! It turned into what is the REAL issue and why am I so pissed at little shit to the extreme it got to. Every little issue I THOUGHT I had, J had a rebuttal in that my expectations of Sean were unreal...as in not realistic at all. I was contradictory, I was hypocritical and talk about double standard...absofuckinglutely. NEVER has my relationship and the fact that Im a bratty bitch been thrown back at me...EVER! It was a rude awakening but one that I needed badly. So after alot of talking, me ALMOST crying, it all came out. What the deep seeded issue was. Why Ive been so angry and so SAD. See, I wasnt angry...annoyed but I wasnt angry at Sean at all. Bottom line, I was SAD. VERY SAD. Sadness is an emotion that I dont allow myself to feel at all. Its much easier for me to get pissed and project on to others, mostly my husband who doesnt deserve it. My sadness is because simply...

I WANT MY HUSBAND HOME.

Hearing those words, saying those words felt like a flood rushing over me. I am tired of being alone. I am struggling to find my place in this world. I am struggling with taking care of me. Brooke doesnt matter. Brooke can handle anything that comes her way. Shes fucking SUPERWOMAN and being vulnerable is NOT in her nature. Being vulnerable to the ONE person she should be with is definitely not in her nature. She is has to be strong and have her shit together and NO ONE can see her be "weak" whatsoever. She doesnt need anyone to help her with anything. SHE CAN DO IT ALL ALONE because shes a badass and can deal. Sean doesnt need to know what she is dealing with on the real because he cant handle it. He doesnt need to take on her issues because he doesnt need stress added to his life over there.

Well, Brooke is a hard headed, delusional, self righteous DUMBASS.

As J and N are pointing all of this out to me, Im realizing all of what they are saying is true. I dont WANT to have this disconnection with my husband. I want to be able to trust him enough to take care of me emotionally. But god damm, letting these walls down...IDK man! Letting him see me cry, allowing him to be there for me, accepting the love I know he has for me...sooooo difficult for me. Ive always been the strong one, the dominant one, the one with all the answers. He's been the emotionless, blank, hard working, passive one that doesnt say half of what is on his mind for fear that I will chop his fucking head off (another realization I had during this "intervention"). Sean even compared me to a praying mantis, you know, the one that bites the head off her mate. Yea, totally true and totally me.

I wasnt sure if Sean would call me at our normal time because the last texts we had were not nice at all and he knew I was in a rage. Part of me thought he would but part of me didnt just for the fact he knows Im a bitch when Im in this place. He called. I declined to let J and N know he was calling..a second later Sean texts me "Come on"...I hang up with J and N and I call him back. 

"We have to figure this shit out"...30 mins later, I was a blubbering fool. I couldnt breathe out of my nose because it was so stuffy from crying. Granted, I tilted my phone to the ceiling at times, it was hard for me to look directly at him during this but the flood gates opened...well, more likely EXPLODED. Surprisingly, I allowed myself to see how he felt, too. The things he doesnt tell me came out. The feelings he is usually passive about were seen and felt. So I WASNT alone! OMG! The every day life he misses out on is hard for him. Being tired of being alone, he gets it. Me being the one who takes care of everything, he acknowledges it. He even offered to help pay half the bills online for me if I gave him the login and passwords lol His way of trying to take some of life's bullshit off my shoulders. I finally opened my eyes to his thoughts and feelings and the way he was dealing with our situation. I allowed myself to break down and be vulnerable, trusting him to nurture my true feelings. Putting this on him like I am supposed to. Allowing my HUSBAND to be there for me. Well, this was a totally new concept to me. In reality, if I cant open up to my husband and allow him to share OUR life together, what the fuck?! Right?! So during this deep conversation, of course I talked to him and explained in depth why I need him to do certain things, the real reason why certain things bother me. He heard me out, he understood where I was coming from and he agreed to try harder. Thats all I can ask for. Its not gonna happen overnight so I cant expect it to. 

From this "new experience", the one thing that J threw at me, the thing that sticks out and is on repeat in my head...MY EXPECTATIONS OF SEAN ARE UNREALISTIC. The responses I WANT him to have to me are unrealistic, for him. I cant expect him to act a certain way, react a certain way or do a specific thing JUST because its what I want from him. Especially if Im not making an effort to think of his feelings or how he is dealing with things. 

All of the times hes taken me for granted, Ive done the same obviously so how can I get so mad if Im doing the exact same thing? Because no one has called me out on it until now because the double standard thing is how Ive always been. How can I give such good advice to everyone else when I dont apply it to my own life? Because Im a hypocrite. Plain and simple. I need to get my shit togther and be willing to be completely open with the important people in my life before I can advise others to do that. I need to have faith in MY relationship and MY husband before I can tell others to do the same. I have to trust my husband to take care of me in the ways I obviously need before I can tell anyone else to let their walls down with their partner. 

Im not perfect. Apparently I DONT have my shit together like I like to think I do. I am a strong person but I am not bulletproof so my Superwoman cape is going in the closet for a while. At least until I can find a balance. Being vulnerable doesnt have to be scary, not when the people that matter most in your life love and care for you. 

Through all of his self awareness, trust me when I say that I STILL know what Im talking about when my friends come to me. I STILL have the answers that will work. I just need to apply them to my life. So I will use this post as a letter to myself that I can look back at to remind myself of the way I NEED to be.

Lesson learned. All I can do is work on it from this point on. My walls are high and thick. One brick, one level at a time.

Im adding this screenshot because it means the world to me and to Sean. He sent this to me as I was talking to Sean. If he gets pissed, oh well...he will deny it because hes a hard-ass so yea, I have proof what a softie he is...he is the REAL DEAL!

Oh Happy Day!

Dear Husband, Youre A DICK!

YALL WANT REAL AND RAW?! WELL HERE YA GO..NO HOLDS BARRED. THIS IS REAL LIFE.

Yesterday I was annoyed but I kept on with my day. FTed my BFFL for life and as I was talking about how Ive been feeling, I kind of got choked up. I stopped myself because crying just isnt what I do. I went on with my day, watched DWTS and picked up my kiddo from work. Around 10pm I went upstairs and got into bed, as usual. That's when my annoyance from the entire day turned into a big FUCK YOU to Sean.

He called, started off ok. Talked about random stuff. I told him Ive been annoyed and felt like shit all day. So WHY THE FUCK would he keep annoying me in his attempt to make me feel better?! This is what he does. He thinks if I laugh just a little, its great. NO! Its not! I wasnt laughing because you were funny, I was laughing because youre a fucking idiot! I was getting pissed because somewhere in your fucked up head, you think pissing me off further is hilarious. Like, are we not on the same planet?! If I tell you "Just stop! Youre annoying me even more" and you continue...its going to turn into "Youre a fucking asshole, I cant stand you!" which is EXACTLY what happened. Youve been with me for 13 yrs and you STILL dont get it. You STILL dont understand that I dont need stupid jokes, stupid comments or stupidity in general when I feel like this. Do you realize that this last week, Ive been privately missing the fuck out of you?! NOPE! Do you know that I have been physically sick because at times I want you here so badly?! NOPE! The reason you dont know is because I dont feel like I should tell you. Your response would be fucking ridiculous. You would say something stupid and not get what Im feeling. So no, you havent seen that part of me but it exists. I dont show my raw emotional side to anyone really. I need more than an "I know" from my fucking husband! Your communication skills have always sucked, as much as weve discussed this throughout our relationship and yet still, this is how you are. 

I decided at one last attempt to change the subject. Ive been needing to send a care package to him. I suck at that, yes. But yesterday I thought that I want to get another bunch of pictures printed out of the family to send him. He needed some updated ones. Ive been missing him and looking at pics and getting all in my feels lately. When I bring it up, it turns out that the first bunch of pics I sent him werent taped up on his wall or even taped in his wall locker in his room. They werent in a drawer in his desk, or on his headboard. Theyre in a god damn envelope put away on a shelf in his locker. Probably at the bottom of a pile of shit in there. A fucking bomb exploded in my head! Are you fucking kidding me?! No fucking wonder you are totally detached from me, the kids, my feeling, etc. I dont give a FUCK that you see my face every day! His reason for them being in there? "I dont want them fucked up or getting dusty" FUCK THAT AND FUCK YOU! Needless to say, I went kind of postal and told him Im not sending a god damn thing. I told him that Im done, I hate you and I dont want to talk to him anymore. He tried to diffuse my anger, not happening. So he said he needed to go to bed and told me that I did, too. My response "Yea I do, FUCK YOU" and hung up on him. I texted him that Im sick of his shit, I dont want to talk to him for a LONG WHILE or until its necessary and I dont see anything important coming up so I was done. Of course its still unread. Knowing him, he either went to the batting cages or he turned on his Xbox to play his dumbass games or stayed up till all hours watching Netflix. I honestly dont even give a fuck. Thats what he does. He is a FUCKING ASSHOLE!

Ive told him numerous times that we dont need to talk every night. We run out of shit to talk about. This is a "luxury" that we have now that we didnt when he was deployed with the Army. He says he WILL call me every night because "thats what I do". Ok, the thought of it is cute. But I think we are passed that cute stage in our marriage and its not really necessary. If something comes up, I can text him during his work shift. Hes not in a combat zone, I have 0 worries that he would talk to other women. The only other thing he may do is catch up on his porn. I dont even give a fuck about that. It comes with the territory and hes a dude so its whatever. 

Im a brat, Im self righteous, Im downright fucking mean. I say mean shit a lot. It may not be the right way to handle shit but I really need my point to get across to him. I feel like he's so passive, he just blows me off and blows my anger off because he thinks Ill just "get over it". Ummm WRONG! It will sit there and build and build and then I really unleash. WHY THE FUCK do I have to get to that point in order for you to truly understand?! 

He is stuck in his own world there and its easy for him to turn my world off, like a light switch. He goes on with his day or night and doesnt think about the issues we are having. Especially not to the extent that I do. Maybe its because thats ALL I have to do with my time or maybe he truly just thinks all is great or will be so he doesnt have to put any thought or effort into anything.

BULLSHIT!

I wont be the only one working at trying to keep this marriage going. I wont be the only one to stress about shit. I wont be the only one feeling like shit for days because things arent good between us. I wont spend all my time trying to come up with ways to make you truly understand where Im coming from and what I need. Yes, your life over there is monotonous. Nothing changes. Same routine every day. Mine too, for the most part but I have to live in THIS world and deal with everything that comes along. Things do change here. People change and its time you change a little. If you want to stay stagnant because youre too full of your world to see what Im going through, then simply GO FUCK YOURSELF.

See, Im not in a coddling place with our marriage anymore. Ive had these issues many times before. Pointed out how selfish youve been, etc. It always goes back to this. Of course, Im being a bitch. Because I need you to see that Ive grown and just because you THINK I have it all under control, you KNOW I definitely dont. NONE of this is news to you.

My husband is supposed to be my best friend. The ONE person that knows me inside and out. The ONE person I can be vulnerable with, be emotional with and be happy with. Well, we arent best friends. I cant cry in front of him because he doesnt know how to react to it. I cant get vulnerable with him because I refuse to let my guard down like that. He sees me as this strong Superwoman and thats how I try to be at all times. I dont break down to him. He doesnt know how to make it better. Soooo, here we are. Yes, we tell each other everything. We are first priority with each other. I think what we are is HABITUAL more than anything. Of course, there is love there. However, is it that deep down soul shaking love that soulmates have? I honestly dont know. I dont feel it from his side and if I feel it, I wont let it be known. The sad part is....this cant be fixed while he is 7600 miles away. This is what I mean when I say that our issues cant be resolved like normal couples can do. 

Babe, I love you. I need you to really see that even though you are doing your part in taking care of our family and I couldnt be more grateful...you really need to learn and train yourself to take care of me, my feelings, my heart. NO ONE can do that like you can. I dont want anyone to do that for me. Its not the girls' job to make sure Im ok. Its not their job to make sure that Im happy. Its YOURS! 

No, Im not gonna sit here and say Im done, its over, I want a divorce because in reality, thats not true. I will say that I dont want to live like this anymore and I want to feel like I truly have my other half that is in tune with me like I am with him. Im not putting all the blame on you either. I feel as though I cant do my part and be 100 with you if all I get from you is a "its whatever" kind of response, reaction or feeling. You take for granted that I will always be here. That may be true but if you care, you will want me to be here living as happy a life as I can given our circumstances. If you give a shit, you wont want me to be this raging bitch that Im so good at being. 

So today, I dont want to talk to him. I dont want to see his face. I will stay in my shit. Be pissy and keep going on with life. Im sure 90% of you dont give a flying fuck about how I feel or where Im at in life but this is for me, so along with my darling husband, FUCK YOU TOO! 

TODAY IS MY "I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING" DAY. 

Im entitled so be it. Im over all the bullshit and today, Im over everyone. 

Frustration doesnt cover it today. Im pissed the fuck off and honestly, I have no idea how or when it will go away.

I dont think Im perfect in any way and I dont think I know everything whatsoever. I dont deal with things the "correct" way and I dont handle situations right, most of the time. Im better at giving advice than taking it. Im a bitch and if you piss me off, Im a bigger bitch. Its who I am and how I deal. Im not an emotional person in that tears rarely fall. I usually tell my kids and friends, "find a solution"...."fuck being sad or angry, use that time to fix whatever is wrong"..."Only YOU can make things better for YOU"....Umm yea, all that shit, FUCK IT! NOT TODAY!

Sean is subscribed to my blog. He fully supports it. He knows when I post one. Today, I could care less if he reads this and no, I wont send him the link. I honestly DO NOT CARE right now.

So here is to Tuesday...the day my NOT GIVING A FUCK is out in FULL FORCE. Oh well, life goes on, right?

The Frustration is REAL

...At least this is what I keep telling myself.....

Im fucking aggravated and its taking all I have to really keep this in perspective.

My husband has been home for just over 70 days since October 2015. When he chose this contracting job, I supported it 100%. The Soldier in him missed this kind of work and I knew that I could handle deployments. At the time he left for Iraq in 2015, we were both ready for him to go. We were at each other's throats. Sleeping in separate bedrooms. His presence annoyed the hell out of me. He had been home for a good 9 mths (minus 7 weeks of job training in NC) EVERY DAY, ALL DAY LONG. We were barely speaking. Just waiting and waiting for that phone call for him to deploy. The call finally came on a Friday morning. He was leaving 24 hours later. There is no time to actually let this sink in so off he went to spend over $1000 on things he would need to leave the next morning. When I took him to the airport, it was honestly awkward. We hadnt been intimate in quite some time. Not even a hug. But even though our pride was HUGE, I said fuck it..he's leaving and he is my husband. I gave him a quick kiss and hug goodbye. Told him to call me when he could and he was off.

The rotation is SUPPOSED to be 105 days deployed, 35 home with 5 days of requal in NC. During those 40 days stateside, he doesnt get paid. SO needless to say, we havent gotten to experience the short deployments. He's extended so we could save enough money to live and pay bills while he was home.

As you can see, we were ready for some distance between us. Our "see ya soon" at the airport 

He was gone for 7 mths the first time. He missed Thanksgiving, Christmas and everything after. He came home the day after Mother's Day. Days before our daughter was getting married. That month was INSANE! She got married. He and I went to San Antonio for the weekend. We all went to Houston to see our other daughter for a few days. We bought a brand new car, as he promised he would. He bought me an early 10th anniversary gift since he would be gone for it. A 2 ct diamond anniversary band...Im obsessed with it! His brother came to visit from Maine for a week. Our now son in law left to go to Basic Training for the Army. Life was hectic and crazy and barely had time to breathe, much less really enjoy each other like we should have. It was great having him home. Him being gone had brought us closer in a way and made us realize alot about our marriage and how we wanted it to be. When things are taken away from you, it tends to make you appreciate them more. In this case, my husband...his wife. The day after Father's Day, it was time for him to go to NC to requal and then back to Iraq. It was kind of a tease for him to be stateside for another week but not at home. During the time he was gone, we video chatted every day via Skype or FB messenger video and then he got an iPad so texting and FaceTiming was our thing.

Christmas 2015 "Family" pic

  

May 9 2016, Welcome Home

May 14 2016, parents of the bride...he is still jetlagged

San Antonio, a weekend getaway for us

This next deployment again lasted 7 mths. During this time, our youngest started her Junior year of high school. My son in law graduated Basic Training. Graduated AIT and made it home for Thanksgiving. After that, they moved to their first duty station in El Paso. Yay for being in the same state but seeing that Texas is fucking huge, it was still an 8 hour drive. So off they went to really begin married life. Christmas came and went. All 3 girls came home to spend it with me. For the 2nd Christmas in a row, he spent it with us via Facetime. He watched the kids open their gifts on a screen. This has happened a few times actually. I guess you could say I was used to this and I had my kids and I was happy. Sadly, in December, I lost a very good friend of mine so I took an unplanned quick trip to Oregon for his funeral. I was able to reunite with a few guys that I hadnt seen in years. They were all in Sean's unit and they are like brothers to me. Matt was one of Sean's Soldiers in 2004-5 and I knew him before I knew my husband.

Reunion after 10 yrs, my bros

We Love You, Matty

The 3 Amigos, RIP Matty!

Our Christmas 2016 "Family" pic

We were getting excited because he was coming home in January. A lot had happened the 7 mths be was gone, things between us were great and we couldnt wait for him to be home.

Welcome Home #2

We decided to take it easy this leave. Last time, things were so hectic, he just wanted to relax. We DID decide to drive to El Paso to see the kids for a week. It was an amazing time and it was the first time any of my children hosted me in THEIR home.

El Paso with the kids, went to White Sands NM 

The next week, Bay came home for an ortho appt so we took a family day trip up Dallas, where Brit was for her job training. Our favorite thing in the world is to have all the girls together at one time because with them grown and moved out, it happens very rarely. We had an amazing day with all 3 kids. Went shopping, ice skating and just had some wonderful FULL family time.

First FULL family pic in a long time

Very sadly, 2 weeks after Sean came home, we had to unexpectedly put one of our dogs down.Sean is obsessed with our dogs. He loves them like they were his sons. Sometimes I think he loves them more than us. Of course that isnt true but you know how men and their dogs are. Well, that was the most devastating thing to ever happen. Patches was so special to him. I have NEVER seen my 6'4 230 lb husband lose it like that, EVER! Not when my mother passed, not when his friends were KIA, not when his own grandmother passed. My emotionless husband totally let it all out. Watching him sob and sob literally broke my heart. I stayed strong for him and I took care of all of the details. We went up to say our goodbyes and that was all he could handle. I made the arrangements for his urn, etc and picked him up and brought him home to us. I was so shocked to see my husband like this but it also was good that he could let go like that to me. I did my best to comfort him and reassure him that it was for the best. Patchy had Stage 4 kidney failure.

Our Patches 

Patchy, Max and Brady

We got to celebrate Sean's birthday while he was home but he had to leave the next day. That leave went by QUICK! By the time we got adjusted to each other again, it was time to go. So at 7am the next morning, I dropped him off at the airport to go to NC to requal. It was hard for me because I can honestly say I didnt want him to leave. I loved having him home. This time, we really got to a place we needed to be with each other. 
That was February. We had talked a little about buying a house finally. We were tired of renting. In March, I literally looked at a house in our neighborhood. It was bigger than what we wanted but the price was unreal so 3 days later, we were in escrow. By April 19, we were official homeowners. Yes, I purchased a home by myself via his Power Of Attorney and I moved in all by myself. Luckily the move was literally around the corner. It happened FAST! Its a huge house, too big for just Brandy and I but I will have grandchildren one day and it has plenty of room for that and for when my kids come home to visit. Mind you, Sean had only seen this home in pictures and Facetime. Talk about total trust in your spouse! I was shocked because I actually did this by myself. I felt really accomplished. This was HUGE!

Officially homeowners!

Here it is, September. He's been gone for 7 months already. I dont know when he will be home next. His company is being stupid so everything is in the air. Since he has been gone this time, not only did I move into a new home, our youngest started her Senior year in high school and everything else in between. Im now at a complacent, irritated place in my life. I dont go out. Its me and the dogs. Thank God I have them to talk to and take care of or else I would literally go insane. Brandy has school, work and football (shes a filmer) so she is busy as hell and is gone all the time. People say find a hobby. Honestly, I dont fucking want to. The house needs a lot done to it, I still havent unpacked a lot. Nothing is on my walls, Im waiting for him to do it when he gets home. I find myself pissed off more than anything. I miss having a companion. I miss having my other half here. I miss the intimacy...everything you can think of having to do with a marriage, I miss. Could he quit this job? Yup! But we would be fucked. He makes an EXTREME amount of money that has allowed us to have a lifestyle we want. Also, with bonuses in tact for now and the fact that him extending longer could make the difference between 1000s of dollars, its something we have to live with. In his mind, taking care of our family is priority number 1. I have to be very thankful for that and I definitely am.

He just sprung this on me the other day. Him extending longer. We expected him home for Christmas for the first time in 3 yrs. I dont think that is happening. My struggle, is him being away so much and making all this money worth it?? I have NO FUCKING IDEA. All I DO know is this is what has to happen right now. Not only do we have bills to pay, we now have a mortgage, trying to pay off credit cards, Christmas for the kids, home improvements we want to do now we finally own a home. Life doesnt give a fuck that Im lonely, withdrawn or pissed off more than half the time. Life doesnt give a fuck what is going on with me...so I just have to keep waking up each day to my boring life and fucking LIVE. Thankfully, I have people in my life that understand empathize with me, understand and allow me to have my moments. They also remind me of my strength. They remind me that I can do this, no matter how bad I want to say FUCK IT. I wake up every day, the same thing..its so monotonous but in reality, its what I make of it. I choose to be this way. Sometimes I feel like Wonder Woman and other times I feel like a lazy, piece of shit.

During our FT call last night, I asked him flat out

"Why are we married?

His response

"Because we love each other and do what needs to be done together to make it in life"

Well, that is pretty self explanatory, right? So in that moment, he saw the frustration in my eyes, heard it in my voice. So instead of feeding into it, he took the reigns and said 

"Look, I know this sucks, I want to be home just as bad as you want me home but this is what we have to do right now"

Hes completely correct. I needed him to be strong right then, not coddling. I guess it doesnt help that my hormones are all fucked this week but he knew that too lol I know he feels guilty but he also knows he is doing his part to take care of our family. I cant really be mad at that. So here I sit, typing out my feelings, hoping to find some sort of peace or resolution to the mixed feelings Im having from all of this. Sacrifice. Its what we do. Its what he does and what he's always done. I will suck it up and deal with whatever comes our way. I know all about never making plans. I know about this deployed life. We had a choice as civilians to make deployments our life and again and together, we did just that. THIS WONT LAST FOREVER. It better not! We will have our time where he is stateside and we can finally live our kid free marriage like we want. Go on trips, enjoy each other, etc. Its just a matter of time...time just needs to hurry up a bit.

THIS IS THE LIFE WE CHOSE SO EMBRACE THE SUCK AND KEEP ON KEEPING ON.