Happy Holidays!!

So its been a while..a lot has happened. My oldest turned 23, the age that I was when she was born. That started a time of reflection for me. My youngest took her SAT so this Graduation process is hitting full speed. My middle daughter attended her husband's Air Assault Graduation AND he got promoted to E4...in ONLY 18 mths of service!! The BIGGEST event is happening in a few days..My husband is FINALLY coming home for leave after being gone for 10 mths!

3 weeks ago, I wasnt sure if I would have him home for the holidays in addition to not knowing if my 2 oldest would be home. Bailey and James surprised me Thanksgiving Day and came home which was wonderful! I was hoping and praying Sean would be able to make it. He was gone the last 2 Christmases. When he found out he was coming home...my emotions went into a tailspin. I was preparing myself to spend Christmas doing nothing. Getting boxes of gifts ready to mail to the girls. What a difference a few days make because now...ALL 5 kids AND my husband will be home. A FULL FAMILY CHRISTMAS, for the first time in 3 years! I could not be more excited! Having my whole family together is the thing I love MOST! Lots of laughter, chaos, love and family bonding. Im so excited that Im about to burst! 

First things first though...HOLY SHIT! Sean is coming home!!!!!! In DAYS!! So many thoughts running through my mind. He is coming home to OUR HOME, our home that Ive lived in for 8 mths, our home that we own that he has never seen except for FaceTime. Of course, I have a Honey-Do list a mile long but it will all come in due time. Its just going to be nice to have a companion again. A partner. My soulmate. Talking to him the last few days, we are both getting really excited. I think Im nervous a little even. 10 mths is a long time. I think our reintegration will go smoothly. But as usual, as soon as we get completely comfortable and in our groove..it will be time for him to leave again. HOWEVER, this time its only for 3 mths. He will be back home in May for Brandys Graduation on June 1. Wild horses couldnt keep him away from that. There will be lots of adjusting to do for all of us. He hasnt been home consistently since Brandy was 15. She will be 18 in 3 mths! They love each other, they will find their niche' and it will be great! Im looking forward to not taking out the trash for a month...not having to lock up and turn out the lights at night...driving everywhere...running small errands...feeding and taking the dogs out...little stuff like that. He does these things, he even does dinner dishes and takes pride that he cleans the kitchen better than me! It will be a nice break for me. Im sure I will struggle with letting go of the control but Ill do my best lol 

Im slowly but surely getting my Homecoming prep list checked off. His phone has been taken off seasonal standby, Brady has a haircut appt tomorrow, I bought his manly toiletries lol, got his Shiner Bock, located the rest of his clothes which are hanging in his closet and in TWO dressers in TWO different rooms. The next couple days the straightening up will continue...Gahhhhh Im freaking out! The same butterflies I had when he came home from combat deployments are eating away at me. The nerves, the anxiety...then the down side...I wont sleep through the night while hes home because hes a MAJOR snorer...when hes home and the dogs get out of bed in the middle of the night, they whine on his side for him to get them instead of just getting back in bed quietly. Sean doesnt hear it so I wake up to wake him up to get them...you know, little shit that doesnt really matter lol 

This one was hard. I cant even lie. I went into some dark places and felt like giving up more time than Id like to admit. My close circle brought me out of it, carried me through my darkest days. I was so lonely and alone. It sucked so bad. Sean and I had some pretty good fights this round. We went days without talking. With Gods grace, we made it through and here we are. He will be looking for other options as far as work. He is sick of being gone and honestly, I am sick of it too. The money is great so hopefully he can find something where he can make close to what he is now. Overseas contractors (and their families) get spoiled with the pay. Making it hard to find work that will pay them the same. Whatever happens, I know he will do whats best for us and for our family..like he always does.

So next week, the family starts to trickle in...Christmas Day will be amazing! Ill be cooking all day, the kids will be hanging out together and Sean will be doing whatever he wants. With our family so spread out now, the times when we can all be together mean so much to me. It doesnt happen enough so when I get it, I take full advantage of it and soak in every second! 
Thankfully, Sean and I will spend our Meet-a-versary together on New Years Eve. 13 yrs...WOW!

I hope all of you have an amazing Holiday season and enjoy all the love and family time! Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy New Year to all!!! 

ALL MY LOVE!!!!


 (I made this card but decided Im gonna make another one to post on my social media after he gets home so I can use a recent pic of us. This pic was taken in Feb, the day before he left to go back)

             

Random Thursday Thoughts....

I am far from perfect. I make mistakes, I say the wrong things, I have times when Im selfish. I can be mean as hell. However, one thing that no one can say about me is that Im not LOYAL. If you are in my heart, in my close knit circle, my loyalty knows no bounds. Ive noticed some things around me lately that has me thinking a lot about this trait. Its not something many have and its not something many know about or care about. To me, its everything.

Loyalty goes far beyond being friends with someone. It means more than sticking up for you when youre not around. Loyalty is a trait that shows the character of a person. Its not talking shit with other people about someone. Its not being a follower and going towards whatever is cool or what everyone else is doing or thinking. Loyalty means you are down 150% with someone. No, you dont have to hate everyone I hate. I have friends, best friends that are friends with people I no longer associate with. That is absolutely ok. I have no insecurities whatsoever because I KNOW that my friend's relationships with these other people have NOTHING to do with me. My name is not brought up. If it is, I am confidant that shit talking does not come into play and I know if it did, that shit would be shut down. Its an amazing feeling to be secure in my friendships like that. Its nice to never have to doubt how someone feels about me. However, if you are close with someone and they associate with someone that you dont..and that friendship revolves around talking shit and drama, that makes you just as bad as they are for feeding into it. Investing time into someone when there is no foundation other than talking smack is ridiculous. My friendships mean a lot to me. Im very picky and choosy about who I open up to. I can tell you the number of people I do this with is less than 5. I save my inner thoughts and feelings for the real people in my life. The ones who wont judge me, the ones who understand me and the ones who lift me up and take joy when I succeed. Take joy in seeing my stress go away. Granted, Ive realized this as Ive gotten older. The peaceful, serene, secure feeling these few bring me make my life easier and Im very grateful. That feeling of being able to trust a person with every emotion inside you, every feeling you have is amazing. TRUST...HUGE!

My girls were raised with morals, with values and with the know-how NOT to be run over and taken advantage of. They were raised not to take shit or be disrespected. As a woman, I know how catty and petty girls can be. Especially through the teenage years. I have always told my kids that if someone hits you, knock the fuck out of them. Well, they are all grown. My advice now is more along the lines of be the bigger person, stay away from drama and you do you. Best advice Ive ever been given. I have a hot temper, like most females, I run on my emotion. Today, I would like to think I have learned ways to go about things in a more productive way. Drama is so out of date. Loyalty, integrity...that is whats up. Let people talk shit, let people keep drama going..its YOUR choice to be a part of it or not. I choose not to. My girls choose not to. We dont respond, we dont reciprocate, we dont feed into that petty bullshit. People who live for this really shows how little they have going on in their lives because this is what they live for. Its pretty pathetic and hopefully whoever lives like this will realize what life is truly about and get some balls and stop being followers and shit talkers. The only one you can control is yourself and everything is a CHOICE.

Having relationships with substance is very important. What made you become friends in the first place? For me, I have things in common, there is an unspoken bond that draws us together. That leads to trust which sets the foundation for something wonderful. That foundation should not be fucked with or taken for granted. People are petty. You can choose not to be. Loyalty is something everyone needs to be reminded of. Are you one of those people that laugh with people or talk shit with people about someone you are "close" to? Or are you one of those people that stand your ground, not giving a fuck what others think and defend your people to the end? I am the latter. My people are the latter. Its called LOYALTY and BEING REAL. I say all the time, do not mess with my man, my kids, my money or my loved ones. These things I will NOT be lenient with. If you have to second guess people, its not a good feeling at all. Thats when you just need to distance yourself. Do some soul searching to find your people. Find your peace. Find your place that is acceptable for you...no one else. People come and go, YOUR people will be there forever, no matter what, never giving you a reason to question them.

Loyalty is a character trait. The character of a person says A LOT! More than you know. When people think of me and my character, I want them to be able to say she is loving, kind, thoughtful, caring, loyal, respectable, trustworthy, etc...I live my life trying to do the right thing. Going out of my way to make sure those I love KNOW I love them. I want them to know Im thinking of them and I make it known that I am there, I am down with them no matter what or when. Life isnt about just me. Im just a small part of it. I make choices for how I want each day to go. Everyone has a choice. You can choose to be a shitty person, backstabbing, rude and disrespectful, petty...but I can tell you, the darkness that leaves in your heart and soul is not worth it. When your name is mentioned, those words are not things I would want to be known for. What you do DOES affect others around you. Think about your actions on a daily basis...would you be proud of yourself??

So on that note and seeing these are random thoughts, here is something else on my mind today...heavily....

I have NO CLUE when my husband will be home. NONE! No time frame, no window...NADA! Its an issue with the stupid Iraqi govt and the dragging ass they are doing issuing visas. Yes, my husband needs a visa to get back into the country so he can go back to work...
With that being said...I am STRUGGLING every single day to let go, let God. Every day I wake up, I hope I will get that text "My visa came through, Ill be home..." Every night when he calls, my first question "Have you heard anything?" My hopes are fading. Its all up in the air going so many directions. I dont know if he will be home for Christmas. He hasnt been the past 2 years. I dont know if he will be home at all in 2017 or when I will see him. Frustrated is a major understatement right now. It COULD be May when I see him...see the clusterfuck of emotions yet?! All I DO know is that he will be here by June 1 to see our daughter graduate high school. I havent seen him since Feb when he was home last. I want to be fucking pissed. I want to lose it. I want to break things. I want to blame someone. I want to cry. I want to have a pity party. I forgot what a hug feels like...much less all the other things that go with that. Im mad, sad, angry and want to lash out. I want to give up. I want to tell him come home, fuck this job and we will be poor but we will be together. HOWEVER, I am holding it together. I am keeping my cool and I am taking it day by day, hoping for the best but not expecting shit. Im slowly making holiday plans, of course they could change but its a start. I tell myself every day "BROOKE, DONT FUCKING LOSE IT TODAY". Like literally tell myself that...OUT LOUD. I am doing my best to stay in the present. I am being accountable to my family and my close friends with the ups and downs of my emotions so they dont spiral out of control. I am investing my thoughts into my people and doing whatever I can to help whoever I can whenever I can. Of course, my daily routine is that of a sluggish snail...literally dragging along and not really going anywhere or doing anything. But I am making it through each day without hurting anyone so thats a plus. Thank God my girls understand my level of up and down emotion because they have been understanding, patient angels with me. My tribe listens to me rant and whine and moan and they reassure me that I got this. Its the little things that make this bearable so in reality, those things are HUGE. Im making it, Im surviving...it is what it is. Just know that every single day is a struggle for me. I have constant thoughts running through my mind daily. Going on a date. Going out of town with him for a few days. Him playing with the dogs. Actually going to bed with him, etc. Its insane but somehow, Im keeping my sanity...by a thread.

Hmmm...what else do I have this Thursday.......

Well, a lot but this is all Im going to write about. I could literally write a novel right now so I will leave this like it is.

Just be grateful each day...for the good people in your life. Fuck the half assed ones. Be kind....you never know what someone is going through. Be yourself....you are here to live your life, what other people wanna think or say should have no reflection on what you want to do. Love the life you have....you only have one!

Happy Almost Thanksgiving!

Updated at 5:53pm....
I just had to hang up with Sean because I cant handle all of the uncertainty or the I dont knows anymore. Im literally at my breaking point...I think. Not gonna let him see me cry or lash out at him so better to just hang up. No fucking clue when he is coming home

Veterans Day 2017

Veterans Day is a day that is huge in my family. My affiliation with the veterans that have touched my life include my husband who served 15 yrs in the Army. His grandfather who was in the Navy. My ex father in law (dec. 2000) was in the Navy. My ex brother in law was in the Army (we are still close). My son in law is currently serving in the Army. Both of his parents are Army veterans and his sister is currently serving in the Army, along with his uncle being an Army veteran. Along with these heroes, of course, I cant forget the MANY veterans in our military family...friends that have become family. This military community as a whole is one huge family. My best friends today are strong women who I met in "this life". If you havent lived it, you wouldnt understand that bonds and ties that bring us together. The most tight knit, courageous, brave group of women Ive ever come across.

My husband did 2 combat tours in Iraq. He was in Kosovo, Korea and Germany in addition to the many training months and schools in the states, away from home. This is the life we know. This is the life the girls were raised in. Its no surprise that my daughter married the son of 2 veterans and made the decision to enlist himself after they graduated high school. He is an amazing young man and an outstanding young Soldier who is fast tracking his way to a stellar career.

When I tell my husband "Happy Veterans Day", he hates it. He hates being thanked for his service. He honestly feels like he joined because his life was going nowhere in Maine. It was his only option, he felt. He did his job for 15 years and he ETSed (got out when his contract expired). Last night during our Facetime call, I said it to him...he had this look of "oh shut up" and made a joke out of it. That was concerning to me so I began a discussion about it. I told him he needed to reflect on his time in service as more than "just doing his job". Think of the experiences he's had, the bonds he's made. The brothers he gained. I explained to him why people thank him. He may see his enlistment as a do or die choice but others see it as a choice he made to fight for our country. Its bigger in other's eyes. However, sadly..TOO MANY veterans feel like my husband. It was their job, they shouldnt be thanked and they get very uncomfortable when people thank them. Ive had to tell my husband how to respond when someone thanks him ...simply say "Thank you for your support".

For me, I like to take today and make it a day of reflection. I think about those we lost that gave the ultimate sacrifice. I think about their families. I think about those that are still missing and never came home from previous wars long ago. I also reflect on our military life and how very grateful I am to have these people in my life today and what an honor it is to know these heroes. Ive seen what they go through, I know what makes them heroes. The ups and downs of serving this country. Most of our friends dont want thanks, they dont want recognition but they sure as hell deserve it and then some. Our children arent like "normal, civilian" kids. They are so resilient, courageous and strong is an understatement. Our kids were raised where its normal to have one parent gone a majority of the time and its not because he/she wants to but because its his/her job and his/her job is to serve this awesome country. They are raised with more pride than the usual little kid. Not every kid gets to say their daddy or mommy is an American Hero.

Last night, we were talking and I mentioned that Brandy isnt phased whether he is home or not. Not in a bad way. Just in a way that it is normal for her that hes not home consistently. I told him in her eyes, he's been leaving her since she was 4. I wasnt blaming him or saying it in a bad way. Just trying to explain where she is coming from. She's almost 18 now. He has been home for 70 days since October 2015. He deploys as a contractor now. He said that saying it like that was like "Whoaaa" to him. She doesnt resent him whatsoever. This is the norm for her and for us. But I sensed some guilt from his side. He doesnt tend to look at the big picture of any situation much so I point it out sometimes. The girls and I dont blame him at all for not being here. Instead, we are so grateful for the sacrifices he's made to fight for this country. The sacrifices hes made for our family to have a roof over our heads and food on our table. This is what WE signed up for when I signed that marriage certificate. Its not an easy road to go down at all but it is definitely worth it. 

My Soldier doesnt take pride in himself or his service. He is the most humble and downplayed Soldier I know. He never likes to make it known he was in. Before he got out, he despised wearing his uniform after work hours anywhere out in public. He refused to use his military ID to board flights earlier. He wasnt hiding his job, he just went out of his way to not make it known. He cringed when I would make him stand at sports events we went to that asked service members to stand and be recognized. He HATED doing that. So while he never had much pride for his service, the girls and I have plenty for him. He doesnt see the good in what hes done...like many veterans...but we do, the rest of the country does. The courage and sacrifice these men and women have made and continue to make is the most selfless thing a person can do.

So THANK YOU to all of those who have served or are currently serving our nation. You are HEROES in every sense of the word. I am thankful every day however today is the perfect day to make it known to any and everyone. Take today and let people appreciate you. Accept the love, the gratitude and even the free meals youll get today! You deserve this and more and you all will never be forgotten! To those that gave the ultimate sacrifice for this country, you will be remembered by this grateful nation and your memory will live on eternally.

Teachers Are Role Models

When I think of teachers, educators, adults that choose to work within the education system, I would like to think of these people as role models, motivators, adults that kids can respect and look up to..receive guidance from, trust and be supportive.

Seeing that my 3 kids were never problem kids in school as far as behavior, etc...maybe I am just blind to the way teachers interact with students these days. Of course Ive seen viral videos of students fighting with teachers, teachers degrading students but Ive never seen it or dealt with it firsthand. Ive also never heard of it being prominent in the schools my children have attended.

This morning was stressful for me. My daughter texts me that her teacher/coach is being rude. This "teacher" has ALWAYS been great with his filmers, very funny..very laid back and friendly..maybe weird even but the kids liked him. Of course I ask what happened. She calls me in tears..not just sniffling but stuttering through her tears telling me what happened. My child is not an emotional kid so when she's so pissed and upset to where she is crying, its pretty serious. I told her to go straight to the counselor's office where they really hustled to find her counselor seeing that she was so upset. This "teacher" is not even a certified teacher. He is a "coach" that ONLY deals with filmers at the school, which my kid has done the last 2 years for her PE credit. The way he talked to my child set me on fucking fire..like I was about to get dressed and drive there and confront this asshole to his face. During this incident, my daughter was told "Get out of here, just leave" ummm she was where the filmers go for first period. She said no so he told her to to the weight room...mind you, thats where the football team was working out...so she refused. The reason for him telling her to leave is yet to come. He said to her "GET OUT OF HERE, IM DONE WITH YOU" "You cant be in here so leave!" Where the fuck is she supposed to go seeing as THAT is exactly where she goes for first period?! ...ok so lets backtrack to yesterday. We were supposed to go out of town this past weekend but plans fell through. My child did the responsible thing and let her coach know that she couldnt film the game on Friday night. Keep in mind, this was her last home football game of her high school career and it was Senior night. We didnt go out of town so she went to the football game. Why wouldnt she? He had the game covered with filmers already. She goes to school Monday and gets greeted with "Hey Liar" and he continues to call her a liar numerous times. He is overheard telling someone "I just cant wait to hear her stupid excuses". 

After she called me this morning with what happened, I was DONE with HIM! How dare he talk to my child or any child like this?! What if she was a depressed student who hated life and then heard "IM DONE WITH YOU" with a hateful attitude from a TEACHER?! So I made a call to the school, then I made a direct call to him. He called me back and ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! I went the fuck off like Ive never done before. He was like a cowering puppy. He apologized more times than I can count as I berated him for the way he dealt with my kid, telling him that he needs to communicate with his students instead of being a dick to them just because he's pissed. He was pissed because she was at the game and didnt let him know so he thought she lied about leaving town just so she didnt have to film. WRONG MOTHER FUCKER! That one is on ME! No, she doesnt have to report her entire life to you and you HAD that filming covered so wtf wouldnt she go to the game since she was able?! I was so livid! This dude has seemed a little off to me since Ive known of him. I will go as far as to say he is childish. As Im letting him know all of my issues, he is listening to my "suggestions" then he says "Youre right, I dont have kids so I really dont know how to deal with them" UMMMM WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WORKING AT A HIGH SCHOOL WHERE YOU INTERACT AND ARE IN CHARGE OF ....KIDS?!!!! UGH! Why am I having to tell YOU how to interact and deal with teenagers?! Needless to say, my mouth dropped then I continued to speak my mind. Those that know me can figure out how that went. I let him know that if he had any issues, if he just talked to my daughter, she would respond and if that became an issue, he shouldve called me...HER PARENT. Because that's what teachers do, they call parents if they have a problem with a student. They dont call names and act rude and mean just because they are pissed. My child is far from perfect and she has an attitude but no way in hell is any adult, much less her teacher, going to speak to her in the manner he did or say the things he said to her. I made it clear to him that my daughter's last semester of high school will NOT be fucked up because of this incident and I do NOT expect any repercussions from this phone call to fall on her. He understood...or I hope he did. Im not going to apologize for having my child's back when she did nothing wrong while a teacher decides to act like a child and talk down to her like she is shit. FUCK THAT! I will strip you of any dignity you have if you fuck with my kids. I dont know what will happen tomorrow but I am leaving that up to my daughter and her counselor to figure out. I am confidant they will figure out something.

This afternoon, I see a Snap post from someone who goes to the high school and its a teacher telling a kid "Nothing good happens when you talk" Yes, Im sure it was in a joking manner but I was shocked. Then I see a video from an Atlanta news station of a teacher that has been suspended because he was recorded telling a student some seriously messed up things. Ill post the link below..

http://www.fox5atlanta.com/news/teacher-on-leave-after-allegedly-threatening-student 

Granted, the student may have been disrespectful and unruly...but when did it become ok for educators to say this type of shit to students?! Its NEVER ok!

When I think of teachers and those that work in the education field, I would like to think they do it because they are genuine in caring for children. They truly want to be a part in possibly changing a child's life. Thankfully, my children have had AMAZING teachers during their school years and to this day...with them being in their 20s and my last one graduating in June, they still talk about the impacts certain teachers have had on their lives today. I still keep in touch with them because they are that special and I cannot thank them enough for all they did to help and guide my kids while they were their students.

I dont understand why people that work in education (mostly high schools) feel like its ok to speak to CHILDREN in this manner. It hurts my heart. These kids spend more time with these teachers than they do their own parents. I feel its a responsibility of these teachers and educators to know what type of role they play in each student's life. You are there to teach, guide, listen, support and motivate these KIDS to be the best they can be, especially when these kids cant see that in themselves. It saddens me to see this kind of stuff happening. Of course, there will be trouble makers and disruptive students...but they are kids. I do NOT agree with any kind of abuse towards teachers, verbal or anything. However, as the ADULT...the TEACHER, you should know how to handle situations accordingly. If these teachers talk down to them, degrade them...how are they supposed to realize that they are worth better than that in life? No child deserves this...not even an 18 high school Senior that is a legal adult but still in high school trying to graduate. If a student's life at home is terrible, he/she should be able to come to school and feel safe and cared about. 

To all the educators that have had my children as students, I love you and I am forever grateful for the part you all have had in molding my children. Always supporting them, helping them and being there for them. For all the educators that I know, thank you for your caring and selfless ways. You are underappreciated so know that I appreciate you and what you do.

My last shout out is to the most amazing guidance counselor Ive ever known. Not only have 2 of my kids had this person but my son in law has too. This person made it possible for my kids (all 3) to graduate. He pushed them, he guided them, he goes out of his way to make sure his students know he cares for them. He has their back and does whatever he can so his "kids" WILL succeed. Ive never known an educator to be so invested in their students as he is. Just outstanding and he is definitely one educator that will be talked about and kept on a pedestal in my family for years to come.

Finally...THANK THE LORD that my last child is graduating in 7 mths! No more papers to sign, no more school hours and no more school drama. I will be done!

The Little Things

GRATITUDE...its such a small word with a really broad spectrum. 

I'm having some internal struggles so what better way to get my mind right than to write about how grateful I am...for the smallest things to the biggest things. November is the perfect month to think about this and maybe it will get me out of this negative place.

Some may find it weird, but every single day, when I wake up and carry on with my day, I find myself grateful for the smallest things. Im grateful when I cook that I have every cooking utensil that I could ever need. I look at the fact that I have drawers of overflowing silverware and cabinets overflowing with glasses and cups. That may sound ridiculous but its true. I look in my pantry and I am grateful that it has food in it. I find myself with this feeling of gratitude with everything I see and touch in my daily life. I have everything I need plus some in a home that is mine. As I look around, Im thankful that I have something as ridiculous as too many slotted spoons. Crazy, right? When you think about it, its not really that insane.

15-20 years ago, I never imagined that I would be in a solid marriage, that my kids would be successful adults, that I would own a beautiful home filled with everything we could need or want. Never in my life would I have imagined that if I needed something, I could just go get it. Just like that. No, this isnt me boasting at all...this is me realizing how grateful I am for my life. The fact that I went from struggling to get diapers for my babies, never having a real home, wondering what food pantry I could go to each month to get free food to having the amazing things I have now. 

Some might say I dont deserve this because I never worked, that I depended on a man for everything. To those, I say GO FUCK YOURSELF! How fucking wrong you are. Im not going to go the "stay at home moms have the hardest job ever, etc" route. I will just say that just because I dont have an out of home job, that doesnt mean my life is lazy as fuck and I lie around on my couch eating twinkies all day. Taking care of a household is HUGE. ESPECIALLY with a husband/father who is deployed. Granted, its different now because my kids are adults but there are still challenges and things that I have to take care. Handling finances is HUGE. Ive been doing this the last 13 years. My husband never knows how much is in the bank, couldnt pay a bill if he had to. Thats MY JOB. I could go on and on and tell you about what my "jobs" really are but I wont. I will say that I am thankful that Im trusted enough to handle our entire life. My husband has that much faith in me that he doesnt question what I spend where or on what because he knows the necessities are taken care of. The kids have what they need, the dogs are spoiled and our bills get paid. I am SUPER grateful that my husband AND I made the decision TOGETHER years ago that I would stay home with the kids and be there for them every minute of every day as they grew up. When assholes want to throw in my face that I dont work, my response is "Nope. Because I dont fucking have to." Thats the truth and Im very grateful for this. My husband and I have a great life that he has provided for us. Like all marriages, its not all roses and holy shit do we have issues BUT...we make it work, the way we WANT because its OUR life.

Gratitude is important. Its important to remember, on a daily basis. The small circle of friends in my life are TOP on my list of things Im grateful for. Being accepted for the bitch you are is HUGE. For someone to accept you in all your glory or failures or shortcomings is rare. To truly understand a person and love them unconditionally is even more rare. I dont know what I would do without these SUPER WOMEN in my life. 

My daughters are RAD AS HELL. Yes, they have attitudes, they dont listen to me all the time but they are living their lives on their terms...and surviving. To me, that is everything. Im not a perfect mom but looking at them, I can be grateful that Ive raised them with morals, values and confidence. They are responsible thriving young women and they know they can have whatever they want in life if you work for it. Could not be prouder of them. Like their mom, they refuse to be disrespected, they stand up for what they believe in and have hearts of gold. What more could a mother ask for in her children?

In every day life, its easy to be negative. Its easy to think about things you dont have, why your life cant be the fairy tale inside your head. Having OH WOE IS ME, POOR ME pity moments are ok. As long as you snap out of it and see life for what it is and be grateful for what you DO have. Youre alive...number 1. Your health. A roof over your head and clothes on your back. Food in your fridge. Basic things. Let that gratitude turn your mind on to the big things. If you cant see the positives around you, you are making a decision to be unhappy and that is just not healthy. Just now, I looked to my left and saw a bottle of bleach. Yes, Im grateful for that bottle of bleach because some people dont have that! Its the LITTLE THINGS that can make you grateful for the big things. Be grateful that you have milk in your fridge. Be grateful that you have a shower to stay clean.  Even something as little being grateful that you have a toothbrush. There are people in this world, in this country that would do anything to have a margin of what you have so dont take anything for granted. Trust in God that while you may not have everything you want, you will have everything you need. BIG DIFFERENCE. Dont compare your life to others. Doing that will almost ALWAYS make you feel inadequate. Its not a competition. Its your life. Make it the way you want. Dont be that one upper. The one that has to have the best of everything just so you can show it off to make yourself feel superior. FUCK THAT BULLSHIT. Be human, have a heart and be kind. Thats more important than having the new iPhone X first, or getting the newest fashion trend, etc. No one gives a fuck what you have. They give a fuck about who you are. 

Im seeing my friend post the 30 Days Of Gratitude on FB...Here is a list of things I am grateful for. 

1. My family,  my husband and daughters, their significant others and my dogs.

2. My health. It could be better but I am alive and kicking

3. My tribe. My people that love me unconditionally.

4. The privileges that I am blessed with in life, whether its materialistic or otherwise

5. LESSONS LEARNED! If not for these lessons, I would be a bigger train wreck than I already am lol

6. The extended family that we have that actually give a damn about us and make the effort to show us.

7. Being a homeowner, finally. Living in Texas forever.

8. The undying love I receive from the people I love most in this world.

This list could go on forever but you get the gist. Take a moment out of your day and be grateful. It can fill holes in your heart, bring you back down to earth and can make you realize that life is really not as hard as you think it is. Find pleasure in little things. Simple things. You will be shocked at how much peace it can bring you. 

The LAST Word

Ive spent way too much of my time stressing over this. NO MORE!


I’m the reason my mom took her life. 

My ex husband didn’t kill me. Hate to disappoint this piece of shit. 

He’s a minority yet calls me a racial slur and I ruined my mother’s life. Yes I left his name so there is no mistake who this is from...I couldve left his business phone number and contact info but for now, I wont. Those that know him, know who he is and what he does and where.

I woke up with these statements ringing in my ear. Over and over again. Statements degrading my character, lies about my life, berating me, disrespecting my kids and my husband, things worse than you would wish on your worst enemy. Causing me to doubt the love my mother and aunt had and have for me, etc. Yesterday was hell. Today is a new day. I give no fucks about this person. I give no fucks who knows about this person and sadly I say, I only wish the worst for this person. It takes a really big piece of shit to allow these things and worse to be said to anyone, much less a family member.

While these things hurt to read, I’ve made the decision to consider the source and wash my hands of this altogether. Not saying Karma won’t get him in the end  but saying that I will no longer waste my emotion or energy on an individual that is so miserable he can’t see straight. I have a couple of amazing family members, the most supportive best friends anyone could wish for, 3 beautiful successful daughters and a loving husband. Life is too short to spend it stressing over shit that doesn’t matter. People that have no effect or relevance in your life. I could totally let this break me. I could easily get depressed and sit in this and read the emails over and over again, wondering how my brother and I got to this point. FUCK THAT!!! This is him. This is who he is and his issues and guilt and his inability to be decent is solely on him. I will not let this stop me from being the caring, thoughtful, good person that I am. No way in hell am I going to give this bastard or his girlfriend power over my emotions or me at all. Today, I am the strong, willful, determined badass that Ive always been. My life is great..ok, I miss my husband but...my kids are great and my circle of people are amazing. This deployment has had me at a breaking point but I got myself out of it every time. If it werent for my select friends, it couldve gotten bad. Having a strong, unconditional support system is everything. 

Today I choose happy. I will surround myself with my positive people. I will be grateful for the life I have. I will spread love and joy to those who need it and I will take care of me. I cant and wont depend on others to fix me. I have the tools, I will execute what I know. I know deep in my soul the relationship I had with my mother and NO ONE will discount that or take that away from me. Especially not some psychotic fucktard with anger and guilt issues. 

Ive spoken to my attorney in Ga and if this evil person wants to pursue a lawsuit against me, good luck lol His emails are enough to make him look like the losing idiot he truly is. Ive spoken to our aunt and she helped me see a lot. No one in our family is taking sides as I dont expect them to. But now they are aware and saw with their own eyes what a hateful person he is. 

Life for me will continue. I have some amazing things coming up. Most important, my husband will be home soon..if only for a month but I will take what I can get. He will be home for Christmas for the first time in 3 years...I hope! I got some great news yesterday that a very special person in my life may be moving here. That right there is a sign from God! My girls lives are kicking ass and exciting things are going on with them. Today happens to be my 12 yr Engagement Anniversary so today is about PURE LOVE! No time and no need for the anger and sorrow! I feel free and I feel good. I will cap this day off by going out to do a little Christmas shopping because buying things for my kids and making them smile is my favorite thing in the world! Yall have a great week!! Happy Halloween!

Delusional Narcissistic Oxymoron

No need to rehash the past bullshit because plenty of present bullshit has happened. First off, this is my blog, where I can post what I want. Bitch, talk shit, be emotional or be a bitch. Its a way to get my feelings out without having to explain to individuals what is up with me. This is me 100%. 

Now, with that being said...my brother, David, has shown his true colors and how sick and twisted he truly is..

I heard he was in the hospital with breathing problems, high blood pressure etc. He had surgery and is now on a heart monitor. We dont speak but I decided to be a decent person and send him a get well text. He responded shitty, I responded shitty...it was done and over with, he could be on his deathbed and I wouldnt blink an eye of concern at this point. He told me to go to hell so be it. 

This past week, out of the blue, I get notifications that his "gf/illegitimate baby momma" has liked 2 of my posts on Instagram. Therefore obviously stalking my social media..for what reason? Who the fuck knows. I havent spoken of her in over a year nor did I plan to. She is trash and why waste my time? Right? When I saw this, I laughed and then got kind of WTF about it. Her psycho level is starting to show. Yea, I can be petty so I decided to entertain this. I posted a meme about being a homewrecker, knowing she would see it...letting her know I was aware she was being a creepy stalker. The stupid little girl decided to MESSAGE me directly on IG. Really?! I proceeded to tell her she is a psycho, etc..she acted oblivious about her creeping on my shit until I showed her screenshots. Her response "Bye. lol" Okkkkkkkkkk! She had to specifically search my name on social media. We have no mutual friends on any platform. She saw my blog by obviously clicking on my links on FB or IG. I dont care about that. The fact that she literally types my name in to search for me proves she is a psycho stalker who clearly needs to get some hobbies. Let your crazy shine, BITCH!

David seems to hate drama so I decided to email him to get his girl in check. Showed him the screenshots detailing how SHE began this back and forth and how SHE came at me first. Hoping he would tell her to stop her childish shit. Oh how wrong I was!

We exchanged emails back and forth and in these emails, I truly saw how mentally unstable he is. How DELUSIONAL and NARCISSISTIC he really is. Like a SEVERE clinical case. This sorry ass mother fucker tries to throw some past shit in my face from over 20 yrs ago that he THINKS went on. He was not in my life then. He saw me once a year at Moms for holiday get togethers. I sure as shit would never give him details on how my life was going. Here is a comical example.....he accused me of having sex with a man in a hotel room with my baby in a carseat in the room...Number 1. That never happened Number 2. Lets say it did...HOW THE FUCK WOULD HE KNOW?! Because I reported details of my life like that to him? LOLOL!! No one in their right mind would divulge those details to ANYONE lol This is what I mean by he is DELUSIONAL. He asked me how many abortions Ive had..NONE. He was mistaken me for someone else we know. Like the shit in his head is soooo off but the sick part is he believes this stuff really happened and happened how he says. We barely saw each other and barely talked from the time we were teenagers! So why would he think he knows anything about my life or how it went? He has chosen to go back and forth in emails being cruel as hell, talking about my life when I had babies. My kids are now grown and FUCKING AMAZING young women. Why he feels talking shit about the way past is beyond me. He is wrong but whatever I went through in my life or whatever my kids went through, they came out PRETTY DAMN GOOD and that is what matters. He actually called my daughter names in this email! WHO DOES THAT?! He wants to talk about appearances yet his gf is fat as fuck and so is he...oxymoron, for sure.

The things he spewed made me literally question his sanity because they were so out of reality, I was shocked at his take on things. Where things got disgusting is this mother fucker BLAMED ME for our mother's suicide. He went on to say that Ive only disappointed and embarrassed my mother to the point it killed her. That could not be further from the truth. He was never around for our mother. The last thing she said to him when she saw him, over a month before she died, was that he was getting fat. Mind you, he passed her exit every single day to and from work. He only called her to tell her his work accomplishments. Never to tell her hi or see how she was. Again, something he would never take responsibility for. I can handle him calling me names, trash, whore, etc...but for him to say that had me shook. Not in an upset way but in a disgusted way. How much hatred do you have to have in your heart to tell your sister she was an embarrassment to the point their Mom killed herself?! He gave a million reasons why mom killed herself and put them all on me, while at the same time, praised his own self proclaimed perfect life. You are an ex convict who went to prison. You hated me so much back then, you left me your truck to take care of when you were in prison. Youre such a selfish asshole, no one knew you got arrested until the day before your trial and sentencing. You left home at 16 because you refused to stop doing drugs. You cheated on your girlfriend of 10 yrs, then cheated on your wife twice and had 2 other kids, one of which you STILL have nothing to do with. You neglected your own family and threw them away for a girl half your age. You were NEVER a part of ours as a whole so who the fuck are you to say shit??? You have never done anything for anyone but yourself. You opened your restaurant with your inheritance and proceeded to treat your staff like shit. Its plain as day on your reviews that have been left on Yelp and Facebook...oh yea, I guess you forgot that your business FB page is attached to my old account seeing as YOU had me set it up for you 4 years ago, yet you say we havent had a relationship since 2009. You accused me of living off of Moms death money...you dipshit, we all got the same amount and if you had ANY clue which you clearly dont, you would know that the money I got from Moms inheritance was gone years ago. SO TRY AGAIN. Im not the one that STOLE our other brother's inheritance for yourself to use and to give your mistress part of...HIS MONEY. You want to criticize my marriage because you arent capable of having a marriage worth anything. Lets thank our absentee father for that...the one you think you are so close to but know nothing about yet you take after him in every way possible. Not a good thing or in a good way. So ignorant towards everyone that you gave the funeral home my name as Brooke Brown when I had been married for 3 years to Sean so on mom's obituary, it has my wrong name. Again, your ignorance and stupidity proven. You wanted to step up when Mom died...because you know you were a shitty son when she was alive. Pretty perfect life you have....SHIIIIIIT!

Disgusting comment #2 by him...so my Hispanic brother with 2 half African American kids and an African American girlfriend (which surprised us all because he was a huge racist back in the day and used the N word regularly) decided to call me a GOOK! A FUCKING GOOK! Are you kidding me????? Again, OXYMORON. Kind of goes along with the voicemail he left me a year ago calling me white trash....he left this vm for me IN FRONT of his 10 yr old son. For those millenials that dont know this term, like my daughters lol...a gook is a racial slur towards Asians in the same context as the N word. That doesnt surprise me really but it was shocking to see how low he has stooped. Especially at 46 yrs old. 

Click below for an example of what I am dealing with. I think I added it right lol If the window says download to hear, do it..promise its just a sound bite audio 

After his last email, it dawned on me how sick he really is. It hit me that he is literally projecting his guilt for being a crappy son/husband/father/human onto me and blaming me for everything. He cant look at how disappointing he was to our mother. He refuses to see that being successful in the working world means shit to a mother who just wants a child's love. You can be a millionaire but if youre neglecting family and being an absentee person, all the money in the world means shit. At this point, it was obvious he has conjured up events to make that projection stronger and more hateful. I was his scapegoat. Of course, he would never see it this way. One thing I did learn from Mom is ability to see beyond what people show you. I can read people from a mile away. By their words, actions, how they interact with people. My siblings and I always knew David was an asshole, it was just part of him. However, I now see what a deranged, SICK, narcissistic, delusional, HORRIBLE person he is. There are lines that should not be crossed. He crossed them. There are things that should not be said. He said them. Just to hurt me. The thing is, my blood pressure isnt boiling over like his from this. My heart isnt in bad shape because of this like his is. Im not hurt. A VERY tiny part of me pitys him because it must suck to be such a terrible human being. I feel sorry for his 4 kids that he has with his wife because I love them to death and their father is disgusting. The huge part of me just doesnt care anymore. If he died from a heart attack tomorrow, I would not go to the funeral and it wouldnt affect my life whatsoever. He chose this route. He chose to make this as ugly as its gotten. Did I feed into it? Yes I did only because I will NOT sit by and allow anyone to attack my character, my family and especially my kids. I dont give a fuck who you are. I am very blessed to have the amazing people in my life that I have. THANK YOU to those who listened to me during this BS and support me. Love you all! Those that choose to be poison can simply fuck off. 

Our sister is NOT in the middle of this and I would never want or expect her to be. She can go on and be civil to them and she will. Her and I are fine. I showed her the emails only so she could see with her own two eyes the shit that came out of her brother. I can assure you that I have separated my relationship with her and I from my relationship or lack of, with our brother. 

As far as his wife and I, we talk. We are close but I have also separated him from our relationship. She knows I support her and knows how much I love the kids and we update each other on our kids and thats about it. She knows Im at my wits end with David. The sad part is he blames her. He thinks she is "feeding" me info. First, she doesnt. Second, she wouldnt because I dont give a fuck and she knows this. Him being the narcissist that he is, of course he thinks all revolves around him. Sorry to disappoint. I DID tell her to hurry up with the divorce because David is in for one hell of a shock the day their divorce is finalized. Consequences for the clusterfuck of lies and bullshit. I wont tolerate this whatsoever so when everything is said, his reputation and his name will be blasted all over Atlanta. Guess when you are part of a HUGE city community and your name is well known, what you say matters and things do come back and bite you in the ass. Karma is nailing him...his health issues. Karma will kick his ass for the ugly heart he has. Im just gonna be an awesome sister and help it out a little :)

Is this petty? Yup! Is it vindictive? I would think so. Is it mean? Somewhat. BUT unless you live a crystal clear PERFECT life, you need to watch what you say and do to people because there are consequences to everything. I can and do let go of a lot of unnecessary drama. I forgive a lot. I choose to overlook a lot. Not this time. I dont care about the hateful, untrue words you said to me whatsoever. But you came for my kids, my marriage and worst of all, you disrespected MY mother's memory. Your day is coming and I will be waiting in the wings to laugh and smile because you FINALLY got what YOU deserve. I dont need to boast how perfect my life and family are. You do enough of that for the entire planet. I know, they know, my circle knows...knows me and how we live and who we are. You have no fucking clue...because you chose not to have one.

Yall, dont have an ugly heart. Dont be a disgusting person. Be mad, have arguments but never bring kids into it. Dont be a racist ignorant jerk. Own up to your mistakes and change to make you a better person. Living with such darkness and hatred is just unhealthy...and who knows, its known to cause health problems!

Love And Light, My Loves!!!! 

Surviving...One Day At A Time

If I have you on FB, you've probably read my story about domestic violence, how it affected me and shaped me into who I am today. I'll post what I wrote...

"About to get personal but this is so the silent ones can know that they are NOT ALONE:

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Not a lot know but I am a SURVIVOR. I endured a very abusive relationship in my first marriage. It went on for over 10 years, through 3 pregnancies. I was 20 yrs old when I met him. It got worse as the years went on. It started with a smack across my face and progressed into black eyes, constant bruises, a broken collar bone, getting beat when I was pregnant (all 3 times), being woken up and yanked out of bed by my hair, threats, terrorizing, being hit WHILE I had my babies in my arms, etc. I stayed because I felt like I had no other option. It was easier to stay in a "comfortable" situation then to leave and start over with 3 babies and nothing. I made excuses, I even lied under oath for him. So I took all the abuse, It happened every and any where, in a back room during family get togethers, in front of "friends", it didnt matter. Extreme physical, emotional, mental, verbal...I stayed calm so my babies wouldnt freak out. I just took it and prayed each incident would just get over with. I NEVER fought back because I had to stay calm for my babies. After my youngest was born, my life took a turn and I FINALLY realized that I could NOT raise my daughters in this environment any longer. I WONT DO IT. He was doing another stay in his home aka jail so I stopped taking collect calls, stopped going to visit and I WAS DONE! It took me a LONG time to figure out that it wasnt my fault. That this was NOT what LOVE is. Love is all I was looking for. In my sick mind, I thought because he cared enough to go psycho on me, he loved me. NOT TRUE WHATSOEVER. I thought that I was the ONLY one who knew him, I thought I could save him and change him. He didnt care about me or the 3 kids we created. He would leave us for days on end, no money, no food. I had to depend on family to bring me diapers and milk. I HAD ENOUGH! My mom got me a good job with the State of Georgia and my life took a turn. I struggled for a few years but I wasnt getting hit on a daily basis so that was HUGE. I finally divorced him while he was in jail and that was the end of it. He has NO part in MY kids' lives. By HIS choice. I never badmouthed or tried to make the kids hate him bcos I KNEW when they were old enough, his actions would tell them all they needed to know. I was right. Fast forward to now....

I have a man who adores me, who TRULY loves me, TRULY loves my girls as his own and has raised them as his own. He has shown me what real love is about. Has NEVER laid a hand on me or been aggressive in ANY WAY! Ive also learned that I will NEVER let anyone control me EVER AGAIN. Going through that time in my life was a night mare, but I came out STRONGER, TOUGHER, MORE ASSERTIVE AND MORE APPRECIATIVE OF WHAT IS REAL. My daughters are STRONG, CONFIDENT, INDEPENDENT, ALPHA PERSONALITIES, PROUD and I KNOW they will NEVER take ANY TYPE of abuse from a man in ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. They know what REAL LOVE is, they know what RESPECT is and they will NOT settle for less. Im SO PROUD of how they have turned out. Their lives, this outcome was the most important thing to me. I can say today that I AM A SURVIVOR. Those going through this, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There IS a better life for you! When all hope is gone, when you cant see a light at the end of the tunnel, Im here to tell you that there IS ONE...SHINING BRIGHT! Im here for ANYONE that needs to talk, vent, share their story. I promise you, I CAN relate and there IS A WAY OUT! I know this is long, I know its personal but I want people to be AWARE...not because its DV Awareness Month...but because we are ALL human, we ALL have our stories and THIS one is mine to share! Thank God, the outcome is AMAZING. Not all are. I dont want props, I dont want pity, I just wanted to share this because if it helps ONE person, that is validation for me. I did what I had to do and made it out alive and stronger than ever. You can too! 

Sorry this is so lengthy but this is REAL, its an epidemic and its needs to STOP! NO ONE DESERVES THIS."

This is just part of my story so I wanted to elaborate. Going through this was literally the most difficult time in my life. You would think that once youre out of a situation like this, you are all better. NOPE! There is still fear, insecurity, feeling unworthy, etc. To this day, I still suffer from the effects. Some of it good, a lot of it bad.

People tell me all the time how strong I am, how assertive I am, how tough I am. I honestly feel like I have no other choice but to live that way. However, it also has its downfalls. I am a bitch, I am almost unemotional in situations. I dont let anyone have power over my feelings. But inside, I know I struggle with myself. Every day. You could say I have some PTSD from this but I dont like to look at it like that. I am a survivor. My babies counted on me and I did what I had to do to make sure they were raised right. 

Domestic Violence comes in so many forms.  What I suffered through, I find myself dishing it out. I can be verbally abusive, emotionally abusive and mentally abusive. Its wrong. I have no excuse for it and I wont make any. When I feel wronged or I feel threatened, words are my ammunition. I need to learn to find a better way, as hard as it is. I think its that fear of being controlled. That fear of letting someone have power over my feelings or allowing someone to make me feel a certain way. Not gonna happen. In my 46 yrs, I am nowhere NEAR perfect. I dont have all the answers. I know the right way to handle things but executing that is harder than you think. 

When I hear about DV situations, its sickens me. When people I know are going through it, I feel their pain. I was too much of a coward to leave my situation but today, I tell these women to get the hell out any way you can. One slap leads to worse. Being called a bitch every day leads to being slapped. Once a certain behavior is allowed, it continues. Regardless of promises that it will stop. Your well being, the well being of your children has to be priority. Turn to loved ones, turn to advocates, turn to shelters. It may seem hopeless but its not and I PROMISE...down the road, you will come out stronger and wiser. 

As I write this, one incident comes to mind. My ex and I were living on a friend's property. I was pregnant with my 3rd daughter. I cant remember what started it but I came out of it with a goose egg on my forehead the size of a golf ball...literally. I think he head butted me but its vague. I went to our friend's main house. I was convinced to call the police. If I recall, my ex had just come off a drug binge so he was crashed out at our place. I sat up on the hill at their house and watched the police come and take him out in handcuffs. Why did my heart sink? Why did I instantly regret what I did? Why did I feel sorry for him? I'm the one who is injured because of him. But I was devastated. I was to blame and all the bullshit from the result of this arrest was my fault. I cant remember what happened after that but he was "out" when our daughter was born so nothing came of it, Most likely, I dropped charges, as usual. 
These feelings of responsibility and guilt were all too often. Always wondering how I couldve avoided this shit from happening. Truth be told, I couldnt. Still, after years of the abuse and bullshit...the "love" I had for him, the loyalty...it was everything. If he could just understand and see that he was my world, he would stop beating me, stop leaving us for drugs and whores and we could finally be a family again. How SICK does a person have to be to think like that?! I was THAT sick!! It took MANY years to figure out that he would never change. That it wasnt my fault and that my life and my babies could not go through this anymore. 

When I finally left, it was hard but I had 3 lives dependent on me so I had to keep moving on. I felt free, empowered and ready to make a life for me and my girls. Thats exactly what I did. I had help from family but I was doing it. There was drama during this time obviously but I knew I wasnt going back to that bullshit. Ive seen him a few times and it just made me even more grateful for getting out when I did. He chose his life path which was to stay in trouble with the law, etc. His life has been one incarceration after another. I always kept tabs on where he was for peace of mind.

Today in 2017, he is in prison. Again. About 4 years ago, we were at a point that we could actually talk on the phone...or more like him cutting me off with every word I said. It was awkward because when I would call the girls' Nana (we have always stayed close), he would answer the phone. It usually turned into yelling matches with me attempting to let him know that Im not the same person  I was back then and he was NOT going to talk to me the way he was accustomed. It usually ended with me hanging up on him. Well I had a moment and I sent him $20 when he was locked up. He needed reading glasses or something. I had to do that through a website.Well a few months ago, I got an email from him. I was SHOOK! I didnt realize that the website kept me in that system so thats how he reached me. The first 3 weeks was ridiculous. It was a back and forth argument. His sister told me that he and I are very volatile together and that could not be more true. Him having this arrogant attitude and me trying to drill into his head what he has done to me...and the girls. For the FIRST time, I had the chance to get out everything Ive ever wanted to say to him for the last 15 years...WITH NO INTERRUPTION! Fuck yea I was gonna take advantage of it! So I went off! Told him what he did, how he fucked up, how he made us feel, the long term effects its had on us, etc. I let it ALL out and it felt damn good! I even told him to fuck off a few times and called him a piece of shit which felt awesome..I could finally say those things to him without getting hit or without any fear. When he is sober, when his mind is "clear", he can think straight and feel some kind of emotion. I took that for everything it was worth. After so many back and forth emails, he apologized. I think it was sincere but it was more likely sincere because he was clean and sober and couldnt get fucked up to drown out his guilt. He finally acknowledged the things he had done to us. For now. Then it turned into him asking me to do this for him, call that person, etc. Nope. Im not his messenger and Im not gonna relay messages to people for him. I was nice and sent him pictures of the girls. Partly so he could see how amazing and beautiful they turned out with no help or influence from him. I was in a few of the pics. Well now came the load of crap....."You are the love of my life" "Youre the reason it never worked out with any other woman" "No one could ever compare to you" "I still love you" "I regret what Ive done every minute of every day" I QUICKLY shut that shit down. I told him he cant tell me he loves me. Im married and its disrespectful. Then came the asking of pics of me, how beautiful I am, how I brighten his days, etc. Umm NOPE again! I told him Im not sending any more pics with me in it. Only the girls. Im not his anything anymore so it just wasnt happening. 

While its weird that we communicate, the girls dont get it...not many would. I know without a doubt that when he gets out, I wont hear from him and he will go back to whatever he does which is get into trouble again. I dont want to contact him then. He will never know my address. I email him now just because. I feel good that I got everything out to him that was stuffed down for so long. I cant say that I forgive him fully but I can be civil. Idk if its the fact that we created 3 lives together or what. I dont consider him in my life. I dont consider him in the girls lives. Im just updating him on how they are doing. Maybe somewhere deep down I have some sort of pity for him but I think that could go along with my sickness of having Battered Womans Syndrome. Who knows. The fact that we communicate on occasion doesnt affect me anymore. I know I will never let him in my life physically, emotionally or mentally. I also will never forget the HELL he put me through. So I have a clear mind and a clear train of thought with all of this. 

It the end, its about my healing. The lessons I learned. The experiences I went through and came out of. Hating takes a lot of energy and as I get older, its just not worth it. The girls are all adults now and as always, IF they choose to contact him at some point, that is their decision. Sean and I will support them and have their back in any decision they make. My ex knows how they feel about him. I didnt mince any words at all. He needs to realize the anger and hate they have towards him and why. If they want to cuss him out, they have every right to. Its totally their choice to deal with this however they choose to, when ever they choose, if at all. They know they have us and other family that will stand behind them and protect them. 

In hindsight, I was with this abuser from the time I was 20 until I was 29 physically and of course, in and out until I was in my early 30s. That was almost 30 yrs ago. WOW! Forgiveness is not an easy thing. Im not there. I dont think I ever will but for me, I got some closure that was needed. That is good enough for me, at this time. Knowing he will never affect my current life, knowing that no man will ever lay a hand on me or control me or make me feel worthless again is enough for me. My babies are amazing young women. I am no longer a victim. I am a survivor and I rose above this time in my life and I feel stronger than ever as far as this is concerned. 

If you are living in this black hole of despair, pain and desperation...you can find your way out and see sunshine again. Ive been there, a lot of women have...it takes a lot of hard work but its attainable. I PROMISE! Reach out to friends, loved ones, even strangers...shelters, churches, advocates, organizations..if you need help, contact me, I will do whatever I can and try to point you in the right direction. The feelings that victims have of hopelessness are all too real. Ive been there and its a dark place. Thank God I got out of my situation and was able to overcome a lot of it. Just reach out...if youre living in a situation like this, what do you have to lose? Nothing...but you have EVERYTHING TO GAIN!


Here are some helpful links:

National Domestic Violence Hotline

DV Shelters In Your Area

Hotline And Shelter Information

Victims Advocates