The LAST Word

Ive spent way too much of my time stressing over this. NO MORE!


I’m the reason my mom took her life. 

My ex husband didn’t kill me. Hate to disappoint this piece of shit. 

He’s a minority yet calls me a racial slur and I ruined my mother’s life. Yes I left his name so there is no mistake who this is from...I couldve left his business phone number and contact info but for now, I wont. Those that know him, know who he is and what he does and where.

I woke up with these statements ringing in my ear. Over and over again. Statements degrading my character, lies about my life, berating me, disrespecting my kids and my husband, things worse than you would wish on your worst enemy. Causing me to doubt the love my mother and aunt had and have for me, etc. Yesterday was hell. Today is a new day. I give no fucks about this person. I give no fucks who knows about this person and sadly I say, I only wish the worst for this person. It takes a really big piece of shit to allow these things and worse to be said to anyone, much less a family member.

While these things hurt to read, I’ve made the decision to consider the source and wash my hands of this altogether. Not saying Karma won’t get him in the end  but saying that I will no longer waste my emotion or energy on an individual that is so miserable he can’t see straight. I have a couple of amazing family members, the most supportive best friends anyone could wish for, 3 beautiful successful daughters and a loving husband. Life is too short to spend it stressing over shit that doesn’t matter. People that have no effect or relevance in your life. I could totally let this break me. I could easily get depressed and sit in this and read the emails over and over again, wondering how my brother and I got to this point. FUCK THAT!!! This is him. This is who he is and his issues and guilt and his inability to be decent is solely on him. I will not let this stop me from being the caring, thoughtful, good person that I am. No way in hell am I going to give this bastard or his girlfriend power over my emotions or me at all. Today, I am the strong, willful, determined badass that Ive always been. My life is great..ok, I miss my husband but...my kids are great and my circle of people are amazing. This deployment has had me at a breaking point but I got myself out of it every time. If it werent for my select friends, it couldve gotten bad. Having a strong, unconditional support system is everything. 

Today I choose happy. I will surround myself with my positive people. I will be grateful for the life I have. I will spread love and joy to those who need it and I will take care of me. I cant and wont depend on others to fix me. I have the tools, I will execute what I know. I know deep in my soul the relationship I had with my mother and NO ONE will discount that or take that away from me. Especially not some psychotic fucktard with anger and guilt issues. 

Ive spoken to my attorney in Ga and if this evil person wants to pursue a lawsuit against me, good luck lol His emails are enough to make him look like the losing idiot he truly is. Ive spoken to our aunt and she helped me see a lot. No one in our family is taking sides as I dont expect them to. But now they are aware and saw with their own eyes what a hateful person he is. 

Life for me will continue. I have some amazing things coming up. Most important, my husband will be home soon..if only for a month but I will take what I can get. He will be home for Christmas for the first time in 3 years...I hope! I got some great news yesterday that a very special person in my life may be moving here. That right there is a sign from God! My girls lives are kicking ass and exciting things are going on with them. Today happens to be my 12 yr Engagement Anniversary so today is about PURE LOVE! No time and no need for the anger and sorrow! I feel free and I feel good. I will cap this day off by going out to do a little Christmas shopping because buying things for my kids and making them smile is my favorite thing in the world! Yall have a great week!! Happy Halloween!

Delusional Narcissistic Oxymoron

No need to rehash the past bullshit because plenty of present bullshit has happened. First off, this is my blog, where I can post what I want. Bitch, talk shit, be emotional or be a bitch. Its a way to get my feelings out without having to explain to individuals what is up with me. This is me 100%. 

Now, with that being said...my brother, David, has shown his true colors and how sick and twisted he truly is..

I heard he was in the hospital with breathing problems, high blood pressure etc. He had surgery and is now on a heart monitor. We dont speak but I decided to be a decent person and send him a get well text. He responded shitty, I responded shitty...it was done and over with, he could be on his deathbed and I wouldnt blink an eye of concern at this point. He told me to go to hell so be it. 

This past week, out of the blue, I get notifications that his "gf/illegitimate baby momma" has liked 2 of my posts on Instagram. Therefore obviously stalking my social media..for what reason? Who the fuck knows. I havent spoken of her in over a year nor did I plan to. She is trash and why waste my time? Right? When I saw this, I laughed and then got kind of WTF about it. Her psycho level is starting to show. Yea, I can be petty so I decided to entertain this. I posted a meme about being a homewrecker, knowing she would see it...letting her know I was aware she was being a creepy stalker. The stupid little girl decided to MESSAGE me directly on IG. Really?! I proceeded to tell her she is a psycho, etc..she acted oblivious about her creeping on my shit until I showed her screenshots. Her response "Bye. lol" Okkkkkkkkkk! She had to specifically search my name on social media. We have no mutual friends on any platform. She saw my blog by obviously clicking on my links on FB or IG. I dont care about that. The fact that she literally types my name in to search for me proves she is a psycho stalker who clearly needs to get some hobbies. Let your crazy shine, BITCH!

David seems to hate drama so I decided to email him to get his girl in check. Showed him the screenshots detailing how SHE began this back and forth and how SHE came at me first. Hoping he would tell her to stop her childish shit. Oh how wrong I was!

We exchanged emails back and forth and in these emails, I truly saw how mentally unstable he is. How DELUSIONAL and NARCISSISTIC he really is. Like a SEVERE clinical case. This sorry ass mother fucker tries to throw some past shit in my face from over 20 yrs ago that he THINKS went on. He was not in my life then. He saw me once a year at Moms for holiday get togethers. I sure as shit would never give him details on how my life was going. Here is a comical example.....he accused me of having sex with a man in a hotel room with my baby in a carseat in the room...Number 1. That never happened Number 2. Lets say it did...HOW THE FUCK WOULD HE KNOW?! Because I reported details of my life like that to him? LOLOL!! No one in their right mind would divulge those details to ANYONE lol This is what I mean by he is DELUSIONAL. He asked me how many abortions Ive had..NONE. He was mistaken me for someone else we know. Like the shit in his head is soooo off but the sick part is he believes this stuff really happened and happened how he says. We barely saw each other and barely talked from the time we were teenagers! So why would he think he knows anything about my life or how it went? He has chosen to go back and forth in emails being cruel as hell, talking about my life when I had babies. My kids are now grown and FUCKING AMAZING young women. Why he feels talking shit about the way past is beyond me. He is wrong but whatever I went through in my life or whatever my kids went through, they came out PRETTY DAMN GOOD and that is what matters. He actually called my daughter names in this email! WHO DOES THAT?! He wants to talk about appearances yet his gf is fat as fuck and so is he...oxymoron, for sure.

The things he spewed made me literally question his sanity because they were so out of reality, I was shocked at his take on things. Where things got disgusting is this mother fucker BLAMED ME for our mother's suicide. He went on to say that Ive only disappointed and embarrassed my mother to the point it killed her. That could not be further from the truth. He was never around for our mother. The last thing she said to him when she saw him, over a month before she died, was that he was getting fat. Mind you, he passed her exit every single day to and from work. He only called her to tell her his work accomplishments. Never to tell her hi or see how she was. Again, something he would never take responsibility for. I can handle him calling me names, trash, whore, etc...but for him to say that had me shook. Not in an upset way but in a disgusted way. How much hatred do you have to have in your heart to tell your sister she was an embarrassment to the point their Mom killed herself?! He gave a million reasons why mom killed herself and put them all on me, while at the same time, praised his own self proclaimed perfect life. You are an ex convict who went to prison. You hated me so much back then, you left me your truck to take care of when you were in prison. Youre such a selfish asshole, no one knew you got arrested until the day before your trial and sentencing. You left home at 16 because you refused to stop doing drugs. You cheated on your girlfriend of 10 yrs, then cheated on your wife twice and had 2 other kids, one of which you STILL have nothing to do with. You neglected your own family and threw them away for a girl half your age. You were NEVER a part of ours as a whole so who the fuck are you to say shit??? You have never done anything for anyone but yourself. You opened your restaurant with your inheritance and proceeded to treat your staff like shit. Its plain as day on your reviews that have been left on Yelp and Facebook...oh yea, I guess you forgot that your business FB page is attached to my old account seeing as YOU had me set it up for you 4 years ago, yet you say we havent had a relationship since 2009. You accused me of living off of Moms death money...you dipshit, we all got the same amount and if you had ANY clue which you clearly dont, you would know that the money I got from Moms inheritance was gone years ago. SO TRY AGAIN. Im not the one that STOLE our other brother's inheritance for yourself to use and to give your mistress part of...HIS MONEY. You want to criticize my marriage because you arent capable of having a marriage worth anything. Lets thank our absentee father for that...the one you think you are so close to but know nothing about yet you take after him in every way possible. Not a good thing or in a good way. So ignorant towards everyone that you gave the funeral home my name as Brooke Brown when I had been married for 3 years to Sean so on mom's obituary, it has my wrong name. Again, your ignorance and stupidity proven. You wanted to step up when Mom died...because you know you were a shitty son when she was alive. Pretty perfect life you have....SHIIIIIIT!

Disgusting comment #2 by him...so my Hispanic brother with 2 half African American kids and an African American girlfriend (which surprised us all because he was a huge racist back in the day and used the N word regularly) decided to call me a GOOK! A FUCKING GOOK! Are you kidding me????? Again, OXYMORON. Kind of goes along with the voicemail he left me a year ago calling me white trash....he left this vm for me IN FRONT of his 10 yr old son. For those millenials that dont know this term, like my daughters lol...a gook is a racial slur towards Asians in the same context as the N word. That doesnt surprise me really but it was shocking to see how low he has stooped. Especially at 46 yrs old. 

Click below for an example of what I am dealing with. I think I added it right lol If the window says download to hear, do it..promise its just a sound bite audio 

After his last email, it dawned on me how sick he really is. It hit me that he is literally projecting his guilt for being a crappy son/husband/father/human onto me and blaming me for everything. He cant look at how disappointing he was to our mother. He refuses to see that being successful in the working world means shit to a mother who just wants a child's love. You can be a millionaire but if youre neglecting family and being an absentee person, all the money in the world means shit. At this point, it was obvious he has conjured up events to make that projection stronger and more hateful. I was his scapegoat. Of course, he would never see it this way. One thing I did learn from Mom is ability to see beyond what people show you. I can read people from a mile away. By their words, actions, how they interact with people. My siblings and I always knew David was an asshole, it was just part of him. However, I now see what a deranged, SICK, narcissistic, delusional, HORRIBLE person he is. There are lines that should not be crossed. He crossed them. There are things that should not be said. He said them. Just to hurt me. The thing is, my blood pressure isnt boiling over like his from this. My heart isnt in bad shape because of this like his is. Im not hurt. A VERY tiny part of me pitys him because it must suck to be such a terrible human being. I feel sorry for his 4 kids that he has with his wife because I love them to death and their father is disgusting. The huge part of me just doesnt care anymore. If he died from a heart attack tomorrow, I would not go to the funeral and it wouldnt affect my life whatsoever. He chose this route. He chose to make this as ugly as its gotten. Did I feed into it? Yes I did only because I will NOT sit by and allow anyone to attack my character, my family and especially my kids. I dont give a fuck who you are. I am very blessed to have the amazing people in my life that I have. THANK YOU to those who listened to me during this BS and support me. Love you all! Those that choose to be poison can simply fuck off. 

Our sister is NOT in the middle of this and I would never want or expect her to be. She can go on and be civil to them and she will. Her and I are fine. I showed her the emails only so she could see with her own two eyes the shit that came out of her brother. I can assure you that I have separated my relationship with her and I from my relationship or lack of, with our brother. 

As far as his wife and I, we talk. We are close but I have also separated him from our relationship. She knows I support her and knows how much I love the kids and we update each other on our kids and thats about it. She knows Im at my wits end with David. The sad part is he blames her. He thinks she is "feeding" me info. First, she doesnt. Second, she wouldnt because I dont give a fuck and she knows this. Him being the narcissist that he is, of course he thinks all revolves around him. Sorry to disappoint. I DID tell her to hurry up with the divorce because David is in for one hell of a shock the day their divorce is finalized. Consequences for the clusterfuck of lies and bullshit. I wont tolerate this whatsoever so when everything is said, his reputation and his name will be blasted all over Atlanta. Guess when you are part of a HUGE city community and your name is well known, what you say matters and things do come back and bite you in the ass. Karma is nailing him...his health issues. Karma will kick his ass for the ugly heart he has. Im just gonna be an awesome sister and help it out a little :)

Is this petty? Yup! Is it vindictive? I would think so. Is it mean? Somewhat. BUT unless you live a crystal clear PERFECT life, you need to watch what you say and do to people because there are consequences to everything. I can and do let go of a lot of unnecessary drama. I forgive a lot. I choose to overlook a lot. Not this time. I dont care about the hateful, untrue words you said to me whatsoever. But you came for my kids, my marriage and worst of all, you disrespected MY mother's memory. Your day is coming and I will be waiting in the wings to laugh and smile because you FINALLY got what YOU deserve. I dont need to boast how perfect my life and family are. You do enough of that for the entire planet. I know, they know, my circle knows...knows me and how we live and who we are. You have no fucking clue...because you chose not to have one.

Yall, dont have an ugly heart. Dont be a disgusting person. Be mad, have arguments but never bring kids into it. Dont be a racist ignorant jerk. Own up to your mistakes and change to make you a better person. Living with such darkness and hatred is just unhealthy...and who knows, its known to cause health problems!

Love And Light, My Loves!!!! 

Surviving...One Day At A Time

If I have you on FB, you've probably read my story about domestic violence, how it affected me and shaped me into who I am today. I'll post what I wrote...

"About to get personal but this is so the silent ones can know that they are NOT ALONE:

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Not a lot know but I am a SURVIVOR. I endured a very abusive relationship in my first marriage. It went on for over 10 years, through 3 pregnancies. I was 20 yrs old when I met him. It got worse as the years went on. It started with a smack across my face and progressed into black eyes, constant bruises, a broken collar bone, getting beat when I was pregnant (all 3 times), being woken up and yanked out of bed by my hair, threats, terrorizing, being hit WHILE I had my babies in my arms, etc. I stayed because I felt like I had no other option. It was easier to stay in a "comfortable" situation then to leave and start over with 3 babies and nothing. I made excuses, I even lied under oath for him. So I took all the abuse, It happened every and any where, in a back room during family get togethers, in front of "friends", it didnt matter. Extreme physical, emotional, mental, verbal...I stayed calm so my babies wouldnt freak out. I just took it and prayed each incident would just get over with. I NEVER fought back because I had to stay calm for my babies. After my youngest was born, my life took a turn and I FINALLY realized that I could NOT raise my daughters in this environment any longer. I WONT DO IT. He was doing another stay in his home aka jail so I stopped taking collect calls, stopped going to visit and I WAS DONE! It took me a LONG time to figure out that it wasnt my fault. That this was NOT what LOVE is. Love is all I was looking for. In my sick mind, I thought because he cared enough to go psycho on me, he loved me. NOT TRUE WHATSOEVER. I thought that I was the ONLY one who knew him, I thought I could save him and change him. He didnt care about me or the 3 kids we created. He would leave us for days on end, no money, no food. I had to depend on family to bring me diapers and milk. I HAD ENOUGH! My mom got me a good job with the State of Georgia and my life took a turn. I struggled for a few years but I wasnt getting hit on a daily basis so that was HUGE. I finally divorced him while he was in jail and that was the end of it. He has NO part in MY kids' lives. By HIS choice. I never badmouthed or tried to make the kids hate him bcos I KNEW when they were old enough, his actions would tell them all they needed to know. I was right. Fast forward to now....

I have a man who adores me, who TRULY loves me, TRULY loves my girls as his own and has raised them as his own. He has shown me what real love is about. Has NEVER laid a hand on me or been aggressive in ANY WAY! Ive also learned that I will NEVER let anyone control me EVER AGAIN. Going through that time in my life was a night mare, but I came out STRONGER, TOUGHER, MORE ASSERTIVE AND MORE APPRECIATIVE OF WHAT IS REAL. My daughters are STRONG, CONFIDENT, INDEPENDENT, ALPHA PERSONALITIES, PROUD and I KNOW they will NEVER take ANY TYPE of abuse from a man in ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. They know what REAL LOVE is, they know what RESPECT is and they will NOT settle for less. Im SO PROUD of how they have turned out. Their lives, this outcome was the most important thing to me. I can say today that I AM A SURVIVOR. Those going through this, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There IS a better life for you! When all hope is gone, when you cant see a light at the end of the tunnel, Im here to tell you that there IS ONE...SHINING BRIGHT! Im here for ANYONE that needs to talk, vent, share their story. I promise you, I CAN relate and there IS A WAY OUT! I know this is long, I know its personal but I want people to be AWARE...not because its DV Awareness Month...but because we are ALL human, we ALL have our stories and THIS one is mine to share! Thank God, the outcome is AMAZING. Not all are. I dont want props, I dont want pity, I just wanted to share this because if it helps ONE person, that is validation for me. I did what I had to do and made it out alive and stronger than ever. You can too! 

Sorry this is so lengthy but this is REAL, its an epidemic and its needs to STOP! NO ONE DESERVES THIS."

This is just part of my story so I wanted to elaborate. Going through this was literally the most difficult time in my life. You would think that once youre out of a situation like this, you are all better. NOPE! There is still fear, insecurity, feeling unworthy, etc. To this day, I still suffer from the effects. Some of it good, a lot of it bad.

People tell me all the time how strong I am, how assertive I am, how tough I am. I honestly feel like I have no other choice but to live that way. However, it also has its downfalls. I am a bitch, I am almost unemotional in situations. I dont let anyone have power over my feelings. But inside, I know I struggle with myself. Every day. You could say I have some PTSD from this but I dont like to look at it like that. I am a survivor. My babies counted on me and I did what I had to do to make sure they were raised right. 

Domestic Violence comes in so many forms.  What I suffered through, I find myself dishing it out. I can be verbally abusive, emotionally abusive and mentally abusive. Its wrong. I have no excuse for it and I wont make any. When I feel wronged or I feel threatened, words are my ammunition. I need to learn to find a better way, as hard as it is. I think its that fear of being controlled. That fear of letting someone have power over my feelings or allowing someone to make me feel a certain way. Not gonna happen. In my 46 yrs, I am nowhere NEAR perfect. I dont have all the answers. I know the right way to handle things but executing that is harder than you think. 

When I hear about DV situations, its sickens me. When people I know are going through it, I feel their pain. I was too much of a coward to leave my situation but today, I tell these women to get the hell out any way you can. One slap leads to worse. Being called a bitch every day leads to being slapped. Once a certain behavior is allowed, it continues. Regardless of promises that it will stop. Your well being, the well being of your children has to be priority. Turn to loved ones, turn to advocates, turn to shelters. It may seem hopeless but its not and I PROMISE...down the road, you will come out stronger and wiser. 

As I write this, one incident comes to mind. My ex and I were living on a friend's property. I was pregnant with my 3rd daughter. I cant remember what started it but I came out of it with a goose egg on my forehead the size of a golf ball...literally. I think he head butted me but its vague. I went to our friend's main house. I was convinced to call the police. If I recall, my ex had just come off a drug binge so he was crashed out at our place. I sat up on the hill at their house and watched the police come and take him out in handcuffs. Why did my heart sink? Why did I instantly regret what I did? Why did I feel sorry for him? I'm the one who is injured because of him. But I was devastated. I was to blame and all the bullshit from the result of this arrest was my fault. I cant remember what happened after that but he was "out" when our daughter was born so nothing came of it, Most likely, I dropped charges, as usual. 
These feelings of responsibility and guilt were all too often. Always wondering how I couldve avoided this shit from happening. Truth be told, I couldnt. Still, after years of the abuse and bullshit...the "love" I had for him, the loyalty...it was everything. If he could just understand and see that he was my world, he would stop beating me, stop leaving us for drugs and whores and we could finally be a family again. How SICK does a person have to be to think like that?! I was THAT sick!! It took MANY years to figure out that he would never change. That it wasnt my fault and that my life and my babies could not go through this anymore. 

When I finally left, it was hard but I had 3 lives dependent on me so I had to keep moving on. I felt free, empowered and ready to make a life for me and my girls. Thats exactly what I did. I had help from family but I was doing it. There was drama during this time obviously but I knew I wasnt going back to that bullshit. Ive seen him a few times and it just made me even more grateful for getting out when I did. He chose his life path which was to stay in trouble with the law, etc. His life has been one incarceration after another. I always kept tabs on where he was for peace of mind.

Today in 2017, he is in prison. Again. About 4 years ago, we were at a point that we could actually talk on the phone...or more like him cutting me off with every word I said. It was awkward because when I would call the girls' Nana (we have always stayed close), he would answer the phone. It usually turned into yelling matches with me attempting to let him know that Im not the same person  I was back then and he was NOT going to talk to me the way he was accustomed. It usually ended with me hanging up on him. Well I had a moment and I sent him $20 when he was locked up. He needed reading glasses or something. I had to do that through a website.Well a few months ago, I got an email from him. I was SHOOK! I didnt realize that the website kept me in that system so thats how he reached me. The first 3 weeks was ridiculous. It was a back and forth argument. His sister told me that he and I are very volatile together and that could not be more true. Him having this arrogant attitude and me trying to drill into his head what he has done to me...and the girls. For the FIRST time, I had the chance to get out everything Ive ever wanted to say to him for the last 15 years...WITH NO INTERRUPTION! Fuck yea I was gonna take advantage of it! So I went off! Told him what he did, how he fucked up, how he made us feel, the long term effects its had on us, etc. I let it ALL out and it felt damn good! I even told him to fuck off a few times and called him a piece of shit which felt awesome..I could finally say those things to him without getting hit or without any fear. When he is sober, when his mind is "clear", he can think straight and feel some kind of emotion. I took that for everything it was worth. After so many back and forth emails, he apologized. I think it was sincere but it was more likely sincere because he was clean and sober and couldnt get fucked up to drown out his guilt. He finally acknowledged the things he had done to us. For now. Then it turned into him asking me to do this for him, call that person, etc. Nope. Im not his messenger and Im not gonna relay messages to people for him. I was nice and sent him pictures of the girls. Partly so he could see how amazing and beautiful they turned out with no help or influence from him. I was in a few of the pics. Well now came the load of crap....."You are the love of my life" "Youre the reason it never worked out with any other woman" "No one could ever compare to you" "I still love you" "I regret what Ive done every minute of every day" I QUICKLY shut that shit down. I told him he cant tell me he loves me. Im married and its disrespectful. Then came the asking of pics of me, how beautiful I am, how I brighten his days, etc. Umm NOPE again! I told him Im not sending any more pics with me in it. Only the girls. Im not his anything anymore so it just wasnt happening. 

While its weird that we communicate, the girls dont get it...not many would. I know without a doubt that when he gets out, I wont hear from him and he will go back to whatever he does which is get into trouble again. I dont want to contact him then. He will never know my address. I email him now just because. I feel good that I got everything out to him that was stuffed down for so long. I cant say that I forgive him fully but I can be civil. Idk if its the fact that we created 3 lives together or what. I dont consider him in my life. I dont consider him in the girls lives. Im just updating him on how they are doing. Maybe somewhere deep down I have some sort of pity for him but I think that could go along with my sickness of having Battered Womans Syndrome. Who knows. The fact that we communicate on occasion doesnt affect me anymore. I know I will never let him in my life physically, emotionally or mentally. I also will never forget the HELL he put me through. So I have a clear mind and a clear train of thought with all of this. 

It the end, its about my healing. The lessons I learned. The experiences I went through and came out of. Hating takes a lot of energy and as I get older, its just not worth it. The girls are all adults now and as always, IF they choose to contact him at some point, that is their decision. Sean and I will support them and have their back in any decision they make. My ex knows how they feel about him. I didnt mince any words at all. He needs to realize the anger and hate they have towards him and why. If they want to cuss him out, they have every right to. Its totally their choice to deal with this however they choose to, when ever they choose, if at all. They know they have us and other family that will stand behind them and protect them. 

In hindsight, I was with this abuser from the time I was 20 until I was 29 physically and of course, in and out until I was in my early 30s. That was almost 30 yrs ago. WOW! Forgiveness is not an easy thing. Im not there. I dont think I ever will but for me, I got some closure that was needed. That is good enough for me, at this time. Knowing he will never affect my current life, knowing that no man will ever lay a hand on me or control me or make me feel worthless again is enough for me. My babies are amazing young women. I am no longer a victim. I am a survivor and I rose above this time in my life and I feel stronger than ever as far as this is concerned. 

If you are living in this black hole of despair, pain and desperation...you can find your way out and see sunshine again. Ive been there, a lot of women have...it takes a lot of hard work but its attainable. I PROMISE! Reach out to friends, loved ones, even strangers...shelters, churches, advocates, organizations..if you need help, contact me, I will do whatever I can and try to point you in the right direction. The feelings that victims have of hopelessness are all too real. Ive been there and its a dark place. Thank God I got out of my situation and was able to overcome a lot of it. Just reach out...if youre living in a situation like this, what do you have to lose? Nothing...but you have EVERYTHING TO GAIN!


Here are some helpful links:

National Domestic Violence Hotline

DV Shelters In Your Area

Hotline And Shelter Information

Victims Advocates

“Family”

What does that word even mean anymore? For me, it used to mean everything. Today, it means shit. 

Since my mother died, it hasn’t and will never be the same. 

I have a Dad that abandoned us pretty much after my parents divorced almost 40 yrs ago. He’s living his life and makes no effort at all. He came to mom’s funeral. He said he “had to be there for us kids”. He was late arriving and left right after the burial. Before that, it had been years since we saw him. Lots of years. I talked to him occasionally on the phone. Usually telling him I needed him to make an effort,etc. He said he would but never did. After

Mom died, I specifically told him I needed him to be there more because I needed a parent in my life. Well that never happened. He called 3 times after that. Once to tell me that he was having surgery on his prostate. Once to tell me he was getting a divorce from his 4th wife after 27 yrs and once to tell me he was having bypass surgery. Each time I found myself upset and crying to him about how he is never there and how he is not a father. He always says the same shit. “I know I need to do better”...”If I dont hear from you,

I assume everything is fine”...”I’m sorry” along with a million other excuses. Why was it so hard to keep in contact with your kids? Kids that you chose to adopt. I stopped making the effort and gave up. He doesn’t contact my siblings either. Except he stays at my brothers every year when he is in town for a chiropractic seminar.  He sees his kids. He doesn’t try to see my sister or her kids. She washed her hands of him years ago. So today, I have no mother and no father. I have no parents at all. He doesn’t know more than half of his grandkids. 

I wrote about my brother in a previous blog. Update on that. We are literally dead to each other. I found out tonight that he’s been in the hospital for a few days with some breathing problems. We may not be talking but as a human being, I care about his health. I decided to text him out of concern. Here is how that went...

Nice, huh? My gut reaction was to be mean as fuck. I wasn’t expecting a sweet response. But I was hoping that even though we don’t talk, there was an unspoken “love” somewhere for the simple reason that we are supposed to be family. By drivel, I don’t know if he meant my petty post that he already responded to from last year or if he read my blog about him somehow. Either way, fuck him. He is dead to me. Sadly, everything I said in my response to him was true though. If his girlfriend is reading my blogs, good...and to you, I say go fuck yourself..youre not only a homewrecking whore, youre also a family wrecking twat. When the day comes that my brother cheats on you (and he will because he has cheated on all his girlfriends and wife, he cheated WITH you, after all) and leaves you and that baby, karma will have finally hit you.

I won’t go into my relationship with my sister. It’s up and down but all I can say is that I’ve been there for her, always making an effort but it’s not reciprocated. That is a realization that came to me tonight. It is what it is and only time will tell what happens.

My oldest brother, we barely talk. Case closed. 

I just hung up with Sean because he doesn’t get it. He can’t understand why I was crying and can’t understand how I’m truly feeling. Yes, I cut him out of this because I don’t think anyone knows. I also feel like no one cares. This isn’t a poor me statement. It’s just how I see it. I put myself out there. I make myself available to everyone I care about. I choose to go out of my way to help whoever I can. That’s who my mother was, that’s how I am. Everyone’s happiness comes before me. I want everyone to be ok and I make it a point for people I care about to know and feel that I care. Because I do. I’m a fixer. My problems or issues don’t matter. But then, I have times like tonight where I literally wonder if anyone would come to my funeral if I died. God, I sound fucking pathetic. But it’s true. I have 4 friends that I can honestly say give a fuck about my well being. Even they aren’t close (physically) so I still feel completely alone and isolated. 

I’m typing this in bed. On my phone. My first blog I’ve done from my phone in this way. I am currently thinking that I have no parents anymore. I pretty much have no siblings. The rest of my family doesn’t care. I have a million cousins but we aren’t close. I have aunts and uncles that I rarely talk to. I talk to my mother’s sister regularly but not too much. Mostly because nothing changes with me. I update her on the kids and Sean,

see how she is and that’s about it. My sister goes to see her and helps her out. She’s the only one who does. Well her and my mom’s cousin, who I don’t think ever liked me but I’m ok with that. I have a husband across the world that can’t fathom what I’m going through. I have 3 daughters that I won’t let take any of this on because I’M the Mom and they have their own lives. Everyone I know has their own lives and I don’t like putting my shit on others at all. 

I realized tonight that my family consists of my husband and my kids. My sister most of the time, my sister in law and my aunt. The rest are relatives. Related through mutual family members. That doesnt mean I dont like them. Its just how it is. When we moved away from Delaware when I was 7, that made it so my huge family in Philly wasnt in our lives growing up.

I tried to keep my family together after Mom died. We no longer speak to my stepdad of 29 yrs. We cut ties shortly after Mom passed. But I did my best to keep us siblings united. I was the only one who lived out of state but I did my best. Now it is broken and it cant be repaired. At 46 yrs old, as all of our kids are older..there is distance that cant ever be fixed. 

**I started this last night but I stopped. As usual, my emotions got the best of me and I shut it down. Shut myself down completely.**

My first thought when I woke up this morning "I CANT BELIEVE THAT MY FAMILY IS DONE. I CANT GET OVER ALL OF THE BULLSHIT AND DYSFUNCTION" which always brings me to the thought that if my mom were still alive, it wouldn't be this way. How did all of us turn out like we did when we were raised by the same parents? How is it that I give a shit and no one else does? Why do I refuse to accept shitty behavior from people where some just let it happen and dont say a word? How are they so ok with how fucked up things are? I will never know these answers. We are all in our 40s. We are set in our ways. It is what it is. What it is though, its a FUCKING SHAME. I cant change others. I cant make others see or give a damn about what I see or feel. I also refuse to give in to the point where I accept bullshit that is unacceptable. I dont care who it is. "Family" or not. Not being blood related never affected my family. It was never an issue. Until now. So I guess I see now that that as much as my parents tried and wanted this amazing family with children they CHOSE, they adopted...its not amazing at all. If you care about someone, if someone is important to you, you make contact to see how they are, you make an effort to be a part of their life. It should not be one sided. You should give a damn if they are struggling or just care enough to say "I love you and Im here" every now and then. 

Do I regret my blog about my brother? NOPE. Its how I feel and I shouldnt have to not voice that for fear of how it will make him feel. He has NEVER cared about anyone's feelings on anything. Im an open book, I dont give a shit about what people think. Now I can say that I dont give a shit about what people do.

There is a reason God put this house in our sights when we decided to buy a home. Texas is home, far far away from Georgia. There is a reason that God put Sean in my life knowing his Army career would take me away from Georgia at some point. So perhaps this is how its supposed to be. I can question it as much as I want but I dont want to do that. Feeling alone, feeling isolated and knowing that I have no family in my life anymore sucks. It hurts. Literally hurts my heart. I know I cant change it though. Im making myself sick over it. I have no idea when I will be ok again. This on top of everything else has me to a point where Im not comfortable. Im on edge, Im shutting the few who give a damn out intentionally. I refuse to be a burden. Ive always handled my shit alone so this time cant be any different. The few I have texted in the last 24 hours, part of me regrets it because I dont want to appear weak. I dont want pity and I dont want anyone to think Im losing it...but I am. Maybe some depression has set in. Maybe menopause is starting, maybe being alone 90% of the time is getting to me. All I DO know is that my kids are ok, their lives are moving along the way theyre supposed to. Thats really all that matters to me. They were raised with MY family values and they were raised knowing that family means everything. The bond they have cant be broken. I dont want to see whats happening with me EVER happen to them and Im confident that it wont. The 3 of them are best friends and I know it will always be like that and I can only pray that after Im gone, it will continue. 

Im not ok, Im not doing well and I dont know when I will be ok. Thats real talk. My heart hurts. My head hurts. My spirit hurts. I dont know where this strong, willful, positive Brooke is anymore. I know I have to find her if I want to get over this huge hurdle. Praying I can find my way soon because being lost is totally out of my comfort zone and feeling like this is not how I want to spend my days. My head and my life is in a tailspin and Im getting quite dizzy from it all. The light that is supposedly at the end of the tunnel is quite blurry.

Im not asking for pity. I dont want it. Im not even asking for concern. In my head, any concern would feel fake to me anyway right now. Im just writing down thoughts that come to my head. Trying to make sense of it. Wanting to see in black and white how fucked up I really am. Looking back on this entire blog in the future to see how I felt at specific times. Getting vulnerable is not who I am but I dont care anymore. Im tired of feeling like I have to have my shit together when I all I want to do is give up. Real. Raw. This is who I am, this is who Ive become. Judge me if you want. No one's thoughts or opinions matter. Trying is over rated. Being too caring is over rated. Putting yourself out for people to see the real you can be good but it can also be very painful...that is, until you become so numb to pain that you literally wake up and go through each day like a robot. 

Family....its who you CHOOSE. Relatives are simply those related to you. Thankful for the friends who are my family. Very grateful.

For any "family" that reads this...or stalkers...my intention isnt to upset anyone, to piss anyone off but Im an honest person and if you cant respect that, thats an issue you need to look at. I dont condemn anyone for being a callous, uncaring, surface, unloving person only for the fact that you are who you are. I may not like this about you and I may distance myself because of this, but I respect your right to be the person you want to be. This is who I am and I wont sugarcoat shit. My feelings are my feelings and no one can tell me they are wrong or right. They just are.

Frenemies

fren·e·myˈfrenəmi/noun plural noun: frenemies a person with whom one is friendly despite a fundamental dislike or rivalry.

So I was mopping my floors and this topic just crossed my mind. I have some of these. Here is what they are to me. For the most part, its people that act like my friend, need me when its convenient always knowing Im there for everyone, people that talk you up to you...yet talk MAD shit about you to others behind your back. Making fun of them, making fun of things they do or say. Basically making you out to be a joke amongst their people. Making subliminal posts on social media. Inside jokes about you to others. Truth be told, no one gives a shit really and subliminal posts are just attention seeking behaviors. They are in your life, on your social media, know your life for the most part but feel the need to talk shit to make themselves feel better about their own pathetic existence. The thing is, I know who these "friends" are. Its not cute, its not funny...honestly, its pretty fucking disgusting. To give the facade that you are caring, loving..to the point that people open up to you just to realize what a big mistake it is. I think the biggest part of this "trend" is that its TRANSPARENT as hell. At least for me it is.

This could not be more true.

Some could say its narcissistic. I'll just say its shitty and it says a lot about a person's character. I think when you get into your late 20s and up, you would realize that being kind and genuine is the best way a person could act. Sadly, people that portray that persona on the outside but are shitty on the inside, its obvious. Im not saying Im an angel by any means, but I can say that Im not going to be someone's friend and talk mad shit or cruel shit to others about them behind their back. Do I get frustrated with friends? Of course and I let them know in a loving way because thats what TRUE FRIENDS do. Those that know me know that I keep shit 100. I am too old to be fake, beat around the bush or bullshit people. Ive cut people out of my life with no explanation, no warning, nothing..just for the simple fact that I choose not have shitty people in my life or around me. 

Live your life, be true to you, do what you feel is right for your life and your sanity. Just dont be a two faced, backstabbing, shit talking bitch or asshole to people you claim to care about. Middle and high school was a long time go. The need to be accepted is over rated. Find your OWN identity and live your real life. I actually feel kind of stupid blogging about this but its heavy on my mind so I needed to get it out. If you read this and it fits you, get ta steppin and delete yourself from my world because I have no room for this in my life. Negativity, bullshit...Im done. My "friends list" is gonna take a major dump. The people I open up to will be fewer. So my dear FRENEMIES...when your fake ass comes to me for anything, dont be shocked when my phone isnt answered. 

There is a lot going on in my little circle which makes everything else is really insignificant. I wont be entertaining this with who, what, where, why or how. It is what it is and this is how I feel. MY world which includes my husband, my daughters and my few REAL friends are the ones that deserve my time, my energy and my love. Everyone else, I care but not enough to invest any of myself any further into BULLSHIT. So if anyone has anything they want to say to me, go for it. If not, keep being that frenemy because you know, everyone needs those, right? LOL Its sad, its pathetic and its not the way a human should be. 

ON THAT NOTE, I WILL CLOSE THIS..I HAVE TOO MUCH TO DO TO GET READY FOR MY HUSBAND TO COME HOME...IN LESS THAN 2 MONTHS!!!!

FOR THE REAL ONES, I LOVE YOU...FOR THE WANNA BE REAL ONES, DO SOME RESEARCH AND BECOME REAL...FOR THE FAKE FRENEMIES, AS MUCH I MAY LIKE YOU OR EVEN LOVE YOU, IM DONE..YOULL SEE SOONER OR LATER.. BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS THAT IN THEIR LIFE.