Stay True To YOU

I remember when I was younger, even into my early adulthood, I wanted to be liked and accepted. Doesnt everyone? I never had a specific group of people I hung out with exclusively. I was just all over the place. Friends with anyone. Hoping that someone would find a trait in me that they liked so I could be one of those "lifelong" friends. The BEST FRIEND. Well, what I probably ended up giving people was someone who was rebellious, loved to party, and just went along with whatever. I wasnt a follower but I wasnt a leader either. I just went with the flow.

Fast forward to my early 30s. After a lifetime of complete chaos and negativity, I started the journey to find my TRUE SELF. When I divorced my first husband, somehow that gave me the strength I needed to TRULY find out who I was. I was able to leave an abusive situation of 13 yrs, not knowing what my future would be like. As scary as it was, it was the best decision of my life. I am who I am today because of the lessons Ive learned and the soul searching I did.

This is how Im described today, by people that know me, people that make the effort to get to know the real me. 

I am brutally honest. If I take the time to risk hurting your feelings just so you can better yourself, that shows how much you mean to me. I will risk losing you so you can be better. So you can be happy. Thankfully, most know this and they appreciate this. You cant sugarcoat shit and you surely cant sit by and watch someone you care about constantly self destruct. If you dont do what you can, what kind of friend are you? My love for my people runs deep. If I invest in you, you are worth it. I refuse to tell people what they want to hear. I dont have that in me. 

I speak my mind and I wont apologize for it. I will not walk on eggshells around anyone. I wont not say something just to spare feelings. If I see something fucked up, I will make it known. Why would anyone hide their feelings like that? I discovered by doing that, it just eats you up. It can actually add stress to your life, which no one needs. If you dont speak up, you wont achieve or get what you want. People cant read your mind be vocal about what you want or need.

If you arent contributing to my life in a positive way, I dont need you. Its that simple. Ive been through the fake and barely there friendships. I was talking to an old friend last night...I told her "If you have to wonder where you stand in someone's life, if you have to wonder what you mean to them, BYE" No one should have to wonder if they are cared about. Negativity has no place in my life. I cant handle people that are emotionally and mentally draining anymore. The ones that suck you dry! Im an empath and I tend to take on other's problems and issues. Well, I realized that the only people I will completely invest myself in are my husband, my kids and my tribe. That is who my world revolves around. Dont get me wrong, I am there for anyone, to listen, to help in any way I can. However, if I feel like Im talking to a brick wall and actions are repetitive, I will just slowly step back. Im not about to watch a train wreck continuously crash when you were given ideas and tools to make it a smooth ride.

I love hard. I will do anything in my power to fix whatever is wrong. I do it because I cant stand seeing people suffer. At the same time, if you arent helping yourself, Im done.

When I turned 40, a lot of my thoughts changed. How I view people and how I view life. Ive spent the last 6 years realizing what and who I need in my life so that I will thrive. I can honestly say Ive found it. Be kind, be honest, be loyal and be real. Yes, I require those traits in people I choose to be in my life. Encouragement breeds encouragement. Kindness breeds kindness....and so on.

I dont need a million friends. I dont need to fit in because I stand out in those people who love me for who I am. I dont need to filter how I live. I am worth being loved and liked without having to conform to what people want me to be. I am accepted because I am a good person. I have a huge heart because it makes me feel good to reach out and be there for others. Im a giver because it hurts me to see people struggle. I am loyal because I expect loyalty back. 

In today's world, with social media, its easy to find yourself comparing your life to others. Its almost inevitable. What I found out is that its also really easy to see who is fake as fuck and who isnt. Boasting and sharing are completely different. The perfect lives you see arent all that perfect. The ones who try to keep up with the Joneses are struggling. As much or as hard as it is not to compare your life to others, its IMPERATIVE that you be content with YOUR OWN life. Now, I sit back, scroll through FB, I smile and my heart is filled with joy when I see friends living their best life. I share in the successes. I hurt for their losses. The "perfect" ones...I laugh and just scroll on. I dont think people realize how transparent they really are. I share my joys, I share my lows, I am honest. I dont have the perfect family. I dont have the nicest of things. I also dont share every single detail of every event to where my life looks like a shit show from the outside looking in either lol You know we all have those FB friends who use it as a diary...PLEASE STOP LOL What I do have is MY LIFE. What I do have is plenty of love. If there are people who feel the need to try to impress people...thats pretty sad. 

When my kids get overwhelmed with life....I simply remind them that they have a roof over their heads. Food to eat and their bills are paid. I preach to them about not wasting all the energy of freaking out when in reality, life is good. Im all about solutions. Cry your cry, but dont sit in it. Spend that time figuring out how to fix it. I consider myself a strong person and that is how Ive raised my daughters. 

I guess my point is, you are in control over how you want to live. I choose to live by my rules, my standards and by what makes me feel good. Life is too short to dwell on negativity and allow it to take over your life. You cant MAKE someone do something or FORCE someone to feel a certain way. You CAN decide how you are going to react though. Youre not hurting anyone by looking out for yourself. You have to come first. Being true to you is all that matters. Being your authentic self is a great way to be. People will see this, respect this and maybe even take notes. People may see this and think "Whatever, shes just a mean bitch" LOL  Its nice to not give a damn what people think of me. My people love me. Plain and simple. Its all I need. I wont change for anyone. I can decide to do things differently but in the end, its all about making me happy and my life better. Is this selfish? NOPE! You cant be a better person for anyone until you can be ok with the person you already are.

Again I will say, if you arent real and true, I dont want you in my life. I need genuine people, good hearted people. Uplifting, encouraging, trustworthy and loyal people. I could not be more grateful that I have EXACTLY that because I refuse to settle for anything less!

FAMILY vs RELATIVES pt. 2...Hubby's Reaction

God love this man! I am so blessed to have such a supportive, loving, HILARIOUS husband 💓
Of course I filled him in and this is his reaction about my dad..well, part of it lol

He is my calm...please say a prayer for him as he goes back across the pond tomorrow. Safe travels, my love!

FAMILY vs RELATIVES

Im feeling some kind of way and its taking all I have to keep my emotions in check and not totally lash out or have a breakdown...so what better outlet than writing?! If any family members are offended by this, that is on you. Ive ignored a lot of the bullshit to this point. So now I am prepared to get this out and BE DONE.

My "FAMILY" is huge. My grandfather had 10 brothers and sisters so you can imagine the lineage just from them alone. This is my mother's side. My dad's side is much smaller. Obviously, you know I was adopted, so were my siblings. I have NO blood relatives that I know of except my children. Family was everything to me for such a long time. Especially as I got older and started having my own children. Well, here I sit at 46 yrs old and I can say with confidence...Blood, DNA, Adoption...DONT make people family. Since my mom died in 2009, my "family" has become almost non existent and dysfunctional. Parts were non existent before but now, its all clear as day and I decided not to accept this...in my life.

Family are the people you CHOOSE. Family are the ones who genuinely care and put forth the effort to show that they care. They have concern for your well being. Family is non judgmental. Family is full of unconditional love and undying support...NO MATTER what their own opinions are. Family checks in with each other. They communicate to touch base. A sign that they actually give a shit. When you hurt, they hurt. You get the gist of what Im saying. Well, Ive come to realize that I have family, but we are connected at the heart. There is no blood or legalities binding us together. The "family" I have through my adoption are just RELATIVES. Boy, do I have a SHIT TON of those! 

What triggered this? My dear ol "Dad". I was a Daddy's girl until I was 8. Or so I thought. My parents divorced when I was 9. One year after he brought our family from Delaware to Georgia so he could follow his chiropractic dream (and also apparently cheat on my mom) After the divorce, he went from being a weekend dad to being nothing. As an adult and after time and time again...telling him how I feel, being angry, giving chances and begging him to be a dad...I GIVE UP! The last time I saw him was at mom's funeral. He said he "had to be there for us kids". Yea Dad, you were late to the service and left the second they lowered her in the ground. Thanks for coming. Still, in my mind, I had one parent left. I remember telling him that I needed him to step up and be there after Mom died for me. I wasnt close to my stepdad, ever. But yea, that didnt happen. I got a few phone calls through the years to be told he had different health issues. I got a call to inform me that he was divorcing his 4th wife of 26 years. EVERY time I talked to him, I told him what I needed from him. He says he would do better. That is determined to be a LIE. Mind you, every year he goes to Atlanta for a seminar at Life College. He calls my "brother" and stays with him. Does he contact him before or after he is there? Nope. 

So last year, my dad popped up as a suggestion on Facebook. Awesome, right? Not so much. He ghosts on there..to the point I forget he's even on there. Until last night. I checked in to the airport when Sean left on Sunday. Late Tuesday night I see that my dad had commented my post. I'll post screen shots because I deleted his comment and the back and forth. I decided that his bullshit would not poison that post. It was about my husband, NOT HIM. Mind you, I havent spoken to him in YEARS. I dont know him anymore and apparently, he is continuing his weird, eccentric, ridiculous way of life. I want nothing to do with it.

So as you can see, Im obviously angry. You can also see, any feelings I stated or any sign of frustration was discounted. That did it for me. He has never been there for me and he's made it quite obvious he never will be. He's off in his own la la land and he can have it. I want nothing to do with it. If he keeps up with me through what I post on FB, so be it. Let him see everything he is missing out on. He has met my children TWICE in over 23 years. That speaks volumes. He doesnt know names, birthdays or who's who. My oldest brother doesnt have a relationship with him..nor any of us really. My asshole brother who is dead to me is just like dad so of course, they communicate somewhat. My sister has nothing to do with him and washed her hands of him a long long time ago, rightfully so.

Well last night, I couldnt fall asleep. My mind was racing trying to sort out all of this fuckery in my head. Realizations came to light. I HAVE NO PARENTS. Mom is gone, Dad is non existent. I found out my stepdad died, 5 days after it happened. We were never close to begin with. That got me thinking of the rest of my "family". They are pretty non existent, as well. How do you go from being so close to a sibling to not speaking for months and months? It is what it is. 

My definition of family has changed drastically. Just because I am related doesnt mean shit. Phone calls by me go unanswered. If I dont matter to someone, if Im not considered.......why the hell should I continue to make an effort? I SHOULDNT and I WONT anymore. This will probably upset some people. If so, Im sorry but I have to come first. Ive done everything I can to put forth an effort to keep relationships in tact, keep them going...with no reciprocation. Im done. This goes for siblings, nieces, nephews, relatives by marriage, cousins, aunts, uncles, distant relatives, in laws, etc. If anyone wants to know how I am, they have my contact info but Im sure I wont hear a word. Only because I havent up to this point. Yes, people keep up with my life from the things I post on Facebook. They can see how the kids are, how I am, etc. But if you prefer a relationship on social media rather than a genuine relationship...that is exactly how I will see you. 

My FAMILY are my friends who I am blessed with to have in my life. These people check on me, they contact me regularly to make sure my life is good and make sure I am ok. Not on Facebook,  not on any social media. Through actual phone conversations, Facetimes and texts. REAL LIFE interaction. Through these people, I know I am cared about. I feel it in my heart. I know that my feelings matter. I dont feel alone. I am SO grateful that I have people like this in my life. When Sean left again, I was prepared to sulk and be sad. On my own. I wasnt allowed to do that. My people immediately started checking on me...for days...just to make sure I was ok. Did my "family" do that? Fuck no they didnt. NO ONE. Come to think of it, no one called or anything the entire 6 weeks Sean was home. Me posting pics shows how much we enjoyed having him home shouldnt be the way you assume everything is good...or bad if it is. If you give a fuck, you would call or at least text. My chosen family are the ones who genuinely shared in our joy of being reunited. They shared in our sadness of being separated again. They are the ones who see and feel the pain I felt when he left, as much as I posted about being ok and staying positive. They see the REAL me. I felt the support and love deep in my soul. These are the ones who I am happy to bring along on this journey called MY LIFE. If others choose not to take part, that is on them. Im not making the effort anymore.

I was abandoned when I was 3 days old. Ive spent 46 years learning that I was loved. My mother made it a point to make sure I KNEW I was loved and wanted. Today, Im not going to stress over that anymore. My daughters, my husband, those LUCKY enough to be in my REAL LIFE...that's all I need. Social media relationships are all good, its nice to keep up with people. However, if you consider yourself family, it should go beyond a damn keyboard. 

A quick word about my in laws. Sean loves his family. He's passive. For years, I pushed him to have more contact with all of them. He did and its improved tremendously. He doesnt see an issue with not talking to his family for long periods of time. I never understood that. Until recently. I no longer push this issue because with him, as well...I wont make the effort towards anyone that doesnt reciprocate in any way. While he may be passive about his lack of contact with his family, it annoys me. However, its his family and he can do what he wants with it. I decided to step back and let go of that altogether. How often his parents contact him is no longer a concern of mine. Personally, it bothers me because my husband deserves more than he gets. A couple calls and emails a year wouldnt cut it for me. But for him, he's fine with it. So as much as it annoys me, I have to let him handle that. He knows he has me and I will support him with whatever he chooses to do or not do regarding this. For reasons I wont go into, we dont speak to his mother at all. With good reason...HOWEVER, if the day comes where he wants to contact her, I will support him and stand behind him on that. I wont have anything to do with her but that is his mother and he can handle this as he sees fit. My role is this part is not wanting to see my husband hurt in any way. I am protective over him and his heart. On that note, I have to add that I love my brother in law and I love the relationship they have with each other. He and I have come a long way and that is ONE relationship that Sean has that I will always push to stay as great as it is.

My husband shows me and tells me that me and the girls are all he needs. Well they are all I need. My small circle are the people who bring light into our lives. They WANT to be a part of my life. My people are who show me love, respect, concern and support. My people. My FAMILY. Relatives are relative. Thats all. You can be related to 100 people all over but if ONE person reaches out and shows you that you matter..that you are loved, that is all the FAMILY you need. NO ONE should have to beg anyone for love, for compassion, for understanding, for consideration...if it doesnt happen naturally..those people may not be for you. Thank goodness I have been blessed with the best. Whoever chooses to not be a part of me...they can watch from afar. Just remember, not EVERYTHING is posted on social media and believe me when I say, there is SO much more to what you may read. You cant force anyone to love you or care about you. All you can do is devote your energy to the ones who do and the ones you never have to question.

So, to my REAL FAMILY! I cant express the love and devotion I have for you all. I would be lost without you. You lift me up when Im down. You catch me when I fall. You love me, accept me and care for me, unconditionally. You share in my joy, you cry when I cry. No matter what, you all are there for me...even when I dont want anyone. You make the effort. You see behind the words I write because you care. Because you want to be a part of my life. For that, I thank you. For that, I love you. You all know who you are. Its VERY few. You all know how much you mean to me. You all know I would go to the ends of the earth for you....because thats how FAMILY works. That's what FAMILIES do for each other.