"I MISS HER TOO"

Its pretty amazing how hearing those 4 simple words could make my heart explode yet give me the most serene feeling EVER! It's also ironic that I'm writing this today, as I was reminded by FB memories that my Grandmother passed 6 years ago today, at 100 yrs old.

On Mother's Day, I had the thought that I wanted to call my mother's best friend, Linda. I talk to her husband and daughter sometimes and we keep up with each other on FB, however Linda doesnt have FB and I havent actually spoken to her since Mom's funeral. Time got away from me, as usual, so I finally called her yesterday.

That phone call had such an unexpected, profound effect on me. A little backstory. Linda and Lee have known me since I was 7-8 years old. They have a daughter a few years older than me. They have been there and seen me growing up. From the massive rebellious teenager, to being in an unhealthy first marriage (Lee actually represented my ex husband in court one time lol), to being a mother times 3 and now...being 47 with all of my children grown. My mother and Linda had one of those genuine, REAL friendships. Honest to the core, whether they liked it or not. Always there. Acceptance and unconditional love. Mom was quirky, Linda wasnt. Perfect BFF match, right? Linda was the ONLY person EVER that my mother allowed to smoke in her house. Linda refused to come over if she couldnt so Mom made the exception for her. You have to remember, this was back in the 80s so today's society taboos were NOT what they were back then. The point is, Linda has been in my mom's life and my life since I can remember.

Yesterday, I began talking to her about Mom. I choked up, of course. I cannot tell you what it meant to me to finally talk to someone who gets it. Yes, I know my friends who have lost parents get it but not like this. She knew Mom better than anyone. No explanation of anything was needed, except one. She never knew exactly how Mom died. She knew it was suicide but she had no idea of the details of how she did it, my stepdad's involvement, etc. I began to tell her what happened. Immediately it brought me back to that phone call. I relived every moment from that day to the entire week of her funeral. Giving her details and telling her how things went down within the family after the funeral and so on. Writing those details is SO different from speaking them. Something I havent done since around the time Mom died in 2009. Linda just listened. She knows the drama that was in our family. She knows my siblings and I. I didnt have to elaborate or explain ONE thing because she just knew. It was a relief for me to get all of this out, as I would discover after we hung up. The one thing she said quite a few times during our conversation made my heart drop to my knees. I feel like its the most significant thing anyone has said to me in YEARS. She said "I MISS HER TOO". I could hear the sadness in her voice. I could hear the love in her voice. It hit me later how much hearing that from her truly meant. It meant that someone other than my siblings and family missed Mom as much as I do. She knew Mom the way I did. She felt my loss. It was an epiphany. Ive spoken to distant family about Mom before but since she passed, I had NEVER talked to anyone about her to the extent Linda and I discussed. We reminisced, we laughed, I updated her on all of my drama with my siblings lol and we talked about the place I am today, with my kids grown, etc. I told her that I talk to Mom a lot, she told me to keep doing that and not to stop. Ive heard that before from friends and people I love but hearing it from her took it to another level.

Linda's daughter Caren knew my mom like I did, as well. Mom was there for her as a young adult so she saw Mom how I saw her. Mom was there when her babies were born, she was there for some trying times in her life. Because of this, Caren and I always got along and had this bond. When I found her on FB, after SO MANY years, I cried tears of joy. To this day, I know I can call her anytime and just talk about Mom until Im blue in the face and she will listen to me, cry with me and empathize with me like only a few can. She will always be my sister.

Ive been in a state of denial since Mom passed. Denying that I HAD to deal with it and all of the emotions that came along with it. I just refused. I wouldnt allow myself to break down. I wouldnt allow myself to feel the deep hurt that Ive had deep inside for so long. My dear friend, who I met through my Bestie (its her sister) has taken the time to talk with me and guide me through this process. She is definitely a Godsend. I can honestly say that I have started to come to terms with everything and I am learning to finally deal with it. However, Ive realized through this process that its not about just breaking down completely and then being ok. For me, its about utilizing the people in my life that I CAN go to when I need to talk about Mom. People like Linda, my aunt, Caren, Lee...people other than my siblings who knew Mom and can truly empathize in the pain I feel without explaining why. I realized yesterday how healing it is for me. Talking to people that loved my mother like I do. Talking about her to people that knew her and knew her heart. Sometimes, I want to just call distant relatives to talk about her. But I dont. I dont want to be a bother. Today, I know I have those I can call at anytime and feel confident that they GET IT.

So today, my healing continues. As my last child graduates, I know there are others that feel the absence of my mother in the same way I do. They KNOW how proud she would be. They KNOW she is looking down with the biggest smile on her beautiful face. For the first time since she passed, I can finally say I have a sense of moving forward. Ive stayed stagnant in this gray area where she is concerned for so long and its been eating me up. Now, I have a peaceful feeling. I can begin to really deal with this loss knowing I will be ok. Things happen for a reason and there is a time for everything.

This is my time.

Side note: its also time to get my ass in gear and get ready for my husband to come home from overseas and get my house and heart ready for my baby to graduate high school next week!

Mother's Day...For This Motherless Daughter

Mom passed away a few weeks before Mother's Day. In 2009, I dreaded this holiday. I had so much anxiety. I didnt know how I would feel. I was scared for that day to come. It was hard. As jumbled as my emotions were, I have no idea how I made it through that year.

As the years have passed, its always been a day that makes me sad. How can I celebrate Mother's Day when my mother is no longer here? Its been 9 years...the last few years, how I view this day has changed A LOT!

Now I take Mother's Day to reflect on the memories I have. Im not as sad anymore. I use this day to celebrate other mothers. My friends who are amazing mothers. I also take this day to celebrate the reason why I am a mother. My 3 daughters. I give thanks to them for making me a mom. I reflect on the days they were born and the day I entered this wonderful group of women called "Moms". 

Being a mother is the most important, hardest, most rewarding job in the world. Knowing you gave life to another person, whether its by giving birth or giving them a life through adopting....that you are responsible for this person forever. I never imagined myself having kids when I was a teenager. Now, I could not imagine my life without them. My children gave me a purpose in life. I may not have accomplished a lot but I raised 3 human beings. If that isnt a gift in itself, I dont know what it is. Its not all roses and at times, I just wanted to quit. But you see, that isnt an option. Even as adults, my job as their mom never stops. They still need guidance, support, direction, love that only I can give them.

I get down on myself A LOT. But I take one look at these 3 beautiful women and I know I did SOME thing right. These kids were my saving grace. There is no one else that I would literally die for. They gave me life, love and a reason to keep going at times when I wanted to just stop life. For that, I could not be more grateful.

This is the mindset I choose for Mother's Day. Of course I remember my mother, my grandmother and the important women in my life. Ive learned to be grateful I had them in my life. I let that gratitude keep me from feeling so sad. I learned to enjoy letting my children celebrate me. Its not fair to them if Im sad on the day they want to honor me for being their mom. They shouldnt feel like they have to make up for the fact that my mother is gone. So I try my best to put aside my negative and sad feelings and make it the best I can for them. 

Being a "Motherless Daughter" is difficult but as the years passed, I can really appreciate what my mother truly meant to me. I know she is with me. I know she is probably judging me but she is also proud. I honor her in any way I can on any given day. From my girls wearing her pearls for Graduation. To Brandy wearing her bracelet for Prom. To just going through her things and crying for a few because she is missed so much. I can appreciate that my mother CHOSE me...she adopted me, she allowed me to make her a mother to me. The lessons Ive learned from her, the life knowledge she taught me can never fade. All I can do is pass this knowledge down to my children the best I can. She will never be forgotten, never fade from our memories and conversations. Just because I choose not to be sad on Mother's Day doesnt take anything away from her being so missed, by all of us. It only means that Ive come to the point of accepting what is and making the most of a tough situation. 

Mother's Day...I celebrate ALL MOMS! I honor each and every one of you. We are a force to be reckoned with. NO ONE can do what we do. No one can understand what we go through except each other. I hope each of you are surrounded by love because you deserve that and more.

This year, I will be celebrating my daughter's 2nd wedding anniversary which is the day before Mother's Day. She is here attending school for 3 more weeks and her husband is back home at Ft Bliss. Being separated on their day is hard but as they know, its not the first and wont be the last. Army life is fabulous lol I will also be spending Sunday (and the rest of the week) preparing for my husband's homecoming from his 4th deployment as a civilian. Lots to keep me occupied and busy but I am determined to make it a day filled with smiles and love. 

Up next...our Brandy graduates high school on June 1 and on June 2, Bailey graduates Dental Assistant School. Lots of exciting things happening for our family. Mother's Day is just a day...we should honor mothers...and fathers...and people, EVERY DAY!!!!!