Its been almost a year since I blogged. That would be because life has turned upside down, a few times and Im at the point where I am just defeated.
Yes, I could read positive quotes about how to take back control of my life, etc...but in reality, does anyone really live by the quotes they read briefly when scrolling through social media? I didnt think so.
I feel like a ticking time bomb about to implode and explode at the same time.
Recap...
Sean got laid off a couple times in 2019 which turned our finances upside down and back numerous times. I cant even begin to explain the toll its taken on us...my whole family. Its not pretty and definitely not fun. He was home a lot and it just turned from bad to worse. Every time I think there is some hope, it turns to shit. Life, my marriage and currently, my kids. Bills are way overdue and everything that comes along with that has my world crashing down right on top of me. Can I get a job (which has been thrown in my face a lot)? Maybe. However I am almost 49, I have no career choice. I have no abilities to do anything other than what Ive known for the last 25 yrs which is be a mom, wife, problem fixer, household manager, etc. I thought for years that THIS is what Im good at. THIS is what Im meant to do. Ironic that Ive given myself to others for so long, I no longer have any sense of who I am.
Having adult children is a challenge. Obviously one Im not up for. Who knew that giving birth to 3 clones of me would be so hard. Now Im starting to see why my life growing up and my adult life was full of uncertainty and turmoil. Im impossible, I have mad anger and resentment and my attitude towards pretty much everything has turned negative.
See, there was a time that I was positive. Negativity had no place in my life. People who sucked the energy out of me emotionally and mentally were phased out of my circle. I tried to speak positivity into existence for myself. It worked for a bit, I actually felt good...but then it all crashed. Currently, I see no light, I see no silver lining and everything around me is falling apart. My husband and I are on such different levels in life, in our growth and I honestly dont know if it can be salvaged. Crazy that Im writing this ON his 40th birthday but I guess I cant control the point of combustion. My girls and I havent talked in 3 days. None of them are living here at the moment. They are all mad at me. I had to make some decisions that have turned my family upside down. I refuse to tolerate anymore disrespect. I refuse to be the punchline to every joke and I refuse to be talked down to. If you dont like how I am, at LEAST respect me for the simple fact that Im your mother. Obviously thats harder for some than others. So be it. My heart is shattered. My emotions are unstable and to be quite blunt, I think about not existing every single day.
Im not gonna sugarcoat or bullshit any of this.
I failed as a parent. I see how my girls are now and I try my hardest not to wonder where I went wrong but its clear as day, I failed. Its not about them being adults and choosing to be who they want, which Ive preached on more than one occasion. When I try to analyze it all, my heart starts racing and I stop before that first tear falls. You can give your children tools on how to survive in life but what a hypocrite I am, as Ive been told plenty. You cant preach independence and self worth if you dont have any of that. How can my own children look up to me or follow my path when it leads nowhere? I have nothing and have no one to blame but myself. We chose for me to stay home and raise the girls therefore I didnt work. When they all got older, I was still holding my family together and taking care of everyone and making sure their lives were smooth. I saved them whenever they got in a jam. I sacrificed money I didnt have to give but gave anyway. I wanted to be the one who made sure my kids never suffered in life. In turn, I feel how I feel today. Not saying I expect anything in return because when I say I would die for my kids...I would in a heartbeat. Seeing them now and how they live their lives, honestly...Im not needed. Thats perfectly ok but because of my own bullshit...I have nothing left for myself. I wish every single day that I could turn back time to them being little so I can either be needed again or redo the mistakes Ive made. When I say I want to run away and that Im done, I want to run away from this feeling. I want to go where my actions and words dont affect anyone. I dont want my girls to not have me around but I dont want my presence to be a negative thing for them or their families.
I failed as a wife. Pleading what you need from your spouse shouldnt have to be a constant in any marriage but thats what its become in mine. You only have so many different ways to get your point across and when youve tried every way possible, what do you do? I have to realize that sometimes, you have to make a decision for everyone because youre the only one strong enough to do it. Well strong is not the right word for me at this point, but you get it. You would think after 15 years together, you should be on the same page and have your relationship down. Well, with him being gone over half that time...more so in the last 5 yrs...its really difficult to make a marriage work for both people. I try my best to be there for everyone, to make sure its all ok...but I see now...I forgot to take care of the one person that matters and that is me. Expectations lead to disappointment. Hopes and dreams arent real. The picture you have in your head is never what the reality of life is.
I fail as a friend. I choose not to be around anyone. That may be because I feel unworthy. No, that is EXACTLY what it is. Im not that uplifting, bright ray of sunshine anymore. I have nothing to offer. I cant be there for anyone when Im living through my own personal hell. I literally confide in 3 people about everything. Well, its to the point where I dont want to do that now because I will NOT be that negative, pathetic friend who always has issues or is constantly miserable. That is who I am now but I refuse to put that on anyone else. To my 2 best friends, I love you, I need you and please dont give up on me completely.
Do I have positive qualities? I do. I care too much, I care too deeply, I want to fix everyone around me, I will go to the ends of the earth for those I love....but given the person I truly am, I realistically cant do anything for anyone anymore.
February is hard for me. Mom's birthday is Valentine's Day so I get anxiety every year leading up to that. This year is a little different. Only because my anxiety is at an all time high. Mom would NOT be proud of me and how Im living but I dont see any other way right now. I often wonder what she would do if she were alive today. The impact she would have on her adult grandchildren. How my life would be if she was alive. Im almost embarrassed to admit she would be disgusted at how depressed and anti social Ive become. The last time I saw her was a few weeks before she committed suicide, when I laid in her bed with my head in her lap, her stroking my hair..I would give ANYTHING for that right now.
I just want to get in my car and drive away...anywhere. I cant. Not only because I now have driving anxiety...but because I cant run from myself. I think I finally see that maybe Im not meant to have that "true love" everyone wants and many seem to have. Im not meant to have life give me a break. I cant remember ever hating myself more and being more disappointed. The way I feel now is much worse than I felt when I was getting my ass kicked daily by my ex husband. Physical wounds are easier to deal with and they eventually go away. Im pushing 50 and have NOTHING to show for it. I have no legacy. I have nothing. My thoughts daily revolve around me not existing and that alone, not affecting one single person. How can a sane person be ok with that revelation? Insane. Add that to my list of shortcomings.
NO, IM NOT HAVING A PITY PARTY , IM NOT FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. IM NOT ASKING FOR WORDS OF ADVICE OR A WAY OUT. THIS IS JUST WHO I AM AND HOW I FEEL. I AM NOT A VICTIM AND AS MUCH AS THIS SEEMS LIKE I FEEL LIKE THAT, ITS NOT HOW I WANT TO DEFINE MYSELF. If you see this as anything else, I honestly dont give a fuck.
Now to clarify a few things..
My kids make me proud every day. They are tackling life on their terms and they will be just fine, with or without me. They dont need my guidance anymore. I would lead them down the wrong road anyway. My first grandchild will be born in May and that is the ONE positive thing that is happening in my life. She will have the best parents ever in Bailey and James. I thank God that my daughter lives her life every way that I didnt. She is responsible in the ways that matter. She married her true best friend at 18 and her life is a REAL LIFE fairy tale in every way. They have the BEST marriage and will have the BEST family ever! Im excited yet sad because I dont know how much I will actually be involved. My other 2 girls are single, independent and finding their way. I just thank God they have each other on this journey.
All I can say is that is that Im sorry Im a disappointment and Im sorry I am not the parent and wife and friend I should be. I just dont have it in me right now. I dont know how I will feel in the future. Given that Sean will be home next week, I just see my anxiety getting worse. A HUGE part of me doesnt even want to be here. I can honestly say that if it werent for my dogs, I probably wouldnt exist. They are the ones who give me the unconditional love I crave. They are the ones who show me love regardless of mistakes Ive made. They are the ones I cuddle up to when Im sad. They are the ones who make me feel important and like I matter to them. Yes, its stupid and strange but it is what it is.
Im getting older, not wiser. I find that social media is toxic so Ive taken a huge step back from that. No one really cares what I post. No one is affected my opinions on anything so why bother. Im not the one who is just gonna post bullshit so my life looks perfect. Im also not gonna post about turmoil either. I know alot have wondered whats going on. Ive ignored messages and texts but here it is. Here is what is REALLY going on with me.
Ive sat here many days and nights and wondered if I died tomorrow, what would my legacy be. I have material things that I want my girls to have. People will say that Im caring but Ill also be known to be a miserable, depressed, anti social loner. It is what it is and as much as I can apologize...this is just WHO I AM.
If this hurts anyone to read, thats not my intention. I feel like writing this all down puts it in perspective for me. As sad as it seems, seeing this all at once is eye opening...just not sure if its for the best or worst. Just understand that Im not the strong, invincible, hard core badass bitch people think I am. I may have been at some point but that person is long gone. I dont know what I will do moving forward, I dont know how I will feel. All I do is take it one day at a time, I wake up each day and count the hours until Im back in bed. Before you feel lied to, Ill admit...I smoke pot at night before I get into bed. I dont care if you dont agree or look down on me for it. It just helps me relax, not think about the day's bullshit so I can actually fall asleep. If you want to judge me, go for it. If you didnt notice before...I truly dont give a fuck what people want to think about me. Ive been doing this for about a year. I can take it or leave it. I choose to take it currently. Trust me, its better than the alternatives Ive considered. I do it alone, I do it only at night. Period.
So there it is...the last year or so all in one place. I can say dont worry about me but any sane person would worry about someone writing and posting all of this. I appreciate you all. I will hopefully find my way one day. I will hopefully be able to see some light in all this darkness. Dont feel bad for me, Dont pity me. Dont get caught up in me. Just pray for me. That is the only thing I will ask of anyone.
Sidenote: Of course my daughter would FT me in the middle of writing this. To see my tears, to see the anguish. Yes, I feel guilty for that too.
To my girls, I love you with all I have. I will love you with every ounce of me until I die. Even after that, my love for you will go on for eternity. No matter what, do not EVER doubt that. I struggle with showing it and I struggle with ways of showing it but in the end, I truly pray you see my true intention behind everything Ive done and everything Ive wanted for you.
My phone is on silent and I wont be answering it or responding to any texts.. I dont have the ability to say anything other than what's in this blog right now. I probably wont mention this again. Again, dont feel bad for me or pity me please. Just pray for me.
For those that I thought gave a damn about me but their actions show different...just ignore all of this because it will be a waste of your time to read anyway.
