Random Thursday Thoughts....

I am far from perfect. I make mistakes, I say the wrong things, I have times when Im selfish. I can be mean as hell. However, one thing that no one can say about me is that Im not LOYAL. If you are in my heart, in my close knit circle, my loyalty knows no bounds. Ive noticed some things around me lately that has me thinking a lot about this trait. Its not something many have and its not something many know about or care about. To me, its everything.

Loyalty goes far beyond being friends with someone. It means more than sticking up for you when youre not around. Loyalty is a trait that shows the character of a person. Its not talking shit with other people about someone. Its not being a follower and going towards whatever is cool or what everyone else is doing or thinking. Loyalty means you are down 150% with someone. No, you dont have to hate everyone I hate. I have friends, best friends that are friends with people I no longer associate with. That is absolutely ok. I have no insecurities whatsoever because I KNOW that my friend's relationships with these other people have NOTHING to do with me. My name is not brought up. If it is, I am confidant that shit talking does not come into play and I know if it did, that shit would be shut down. Its an amazing feeling to be secure in my friendships like that. Its nice to never have to doubt how someone feels about me. However, if you are close with someone and they associate with someone that you dont..and that friendship revolves around talking shit and drama, that makes you just as bad as they are for feeding into it. Investing time into someone when there is no foundation other than talking smack is ridiculous. My friendships mean a lot to me. Im very picky and choosy about who I open up to. I can tell you the number of people I do this with is less than 5. I save my inner thoughts and feelings for the real people in my life. The ones who wont judge me, the ones who understand me and the ones who lift me up and take joy when I succeed. Take joy in seeing my stress go away. Granted, Ive realized this as Ive gotten older. The peaceful, serene, secure feeling these few bring me make my life easier and Im very grateful. That feeling of being able to trust a person with every emotion inside you, every feeling you have is amazing. TRUST...HUGE!

My girls were raised with morals, with values and with the know-how NOT to be run over and taken advantage of. They were raised not to take shit or be disrespected. As a woman, I know how catty and petty girls can be. Especially through the teenage years. I have always told my kids that if someone hits you, knock the fuck out of them. Well, they are all grown. My advice now is more along the lines of be the bigger person, stay away from drama and you do you. Best advice Ive ever been given. I have a hot temper, like most females, I run on my emotion. Today, I would like to think I have learned ways to go about things in a more productive way. Drama is so out of date. Loyalty, integrity...that is whats up. Let people talk shit, let people keep drama going..its YOUR choice to be a part of it or not. I choose not to. My girls choose not to. We dont respond, we dont reciprocate, we dont feed into that petty bullshit. People who live for this really shows how little they have going on in their lives because this is what they live for. Its pretty pathetic and hopefully whoever lives like this will realize what life is truly about and get some balls and stop being followers and shit talkers. The only one you can control is yourself and everything is a CHOICE.

Having relationships with substance is very important. What made you become friends in the first place? For me, I have things in common, there is an unspoken bond that draws us together. That leads to trust which sets the foundation for something wonderful. That foundation should not be fucked with or taken for granted. People are petty. You can choose not to be. Loyalty is something everyone needs to be reminded of. Are you one of those people that laugh with people or talk shit with people about someone you are "close" to? Or are you one of those people that stand your ground, not giving a fuck what others think and defend your people to the end? I am the latter. My people are the latter. Its called LOYALTY and BEING REAL. I say all the time, do not mess with my man, my kids, my money or my loved ones. These things I will NOT be lenient with. If you have to second guess people, its not a good feeling at all. Thats when you just need to distance yourself. Do some soul searching to find your people. Find your peace. Find your place that is acceptable for you...no one else. People come and go, YOUR people will be there forever, no matter what, never giving you a reason to question them.

Loyalty is a character trait. The character of a person says A LOT! More than you know. When people think of me and my character, I want them to be able to say she is loving, kind, thoughtful, caring, loyal, respectable, trustworthy, etc...I live my life trying to do the right thing. Going out of my way to make sure those I love KNOW I love them. I want them to know Im thinking of them and I make it known that I am there, I am down with them no matter what or when. Life isnt about just me. Im just a small part of it. I make choices for how I want each day to go. Everyone has a choice. You can choose to be a shitty person, backstabbing, rude and disrespectful, petty...but I can tell you, the darkness that leaves in your heart and soul is not worth it. When your name is mentioned, those words are not things I would want to be known for. What you do DOES affect others around you. Think about your actions on a daily basis...would you be proud of yourself??

So on that note and seeing these are random thoughts, here is something else on my mind today...heavily....

I have NO CLUE when my husband will be home. NONE! No time frame, no window...NADA! Its an issue with the stupid Iraqi govt and the dragging ass they are doing issuing visas. Yes, my husband needs a visa to get back into the country so he can go back to work...
With that being said...I am STRUGGLING every single day to let go, let God. Every day I wake up, I hope I will get that text "My visa came through, Ill be home..." Every night when he calls, my first question "Have you heard anything?" My hopes are fading. Its all up in the air going so many directions. I dont know if he will be home for Christmas. He hasnt been the past 2 years. I dont know if he will be home at all in 2017 or when I will see him. Frustrated is a major understatement right now. It COULD be May when I see him...see the clusterfuck of emotions yet?! All I DO know is that he will be here by June 1 to see our daughter graduate high school. I havent seen him since Feb when he was home last. I want to be fucking pissed. I want to lose it. I want to break things. I want to blame someone. I want to cry. I want to have a pity party. I forgot what a hug feels like...much less all the other things that go with that. Im mad, sad, angry and want to lash out. I want to give up. I want to tell him come home, fuck this job and we will be poor but we will be together. HOWEVER, I am holding it together. I am keeping my cool and I am taking it day by day, hoping for the best but not expecting shit. Im slowly making holiday plans, of course they could change but its a start. I tell myself every day "BROOKE, DONT FUCKING LOSE IT TODAY". Like literally tell myself that...OUT LOUD. I am doing my best to stay in the present. I am being accountable to my family and my close friends with the ups and downs of my emotions so they dont spiral out of control. I am investing my thoughts into my people and doing whatever I can to help whoever I can whenever I can. Of course, my daily routine is that of a sluggish snail...literally dragging along and not really going anywhere or doing anything. But I am making it through each day without hurting anyone so thats a plus. Thank God my girls understand my level of up and down emotion because they have been understanding, patient angels with me. My tribe listens to me rant and whine and moan and they reassure me that I got this. Its the little things that make this bearable so in reality, those things are HUGE. Im making it, Im surviving...it is what it is. Just know that every single day is a struggle for me. I have constant thoughts running through my mind daily. Going on a date. Going out of town with him for a few days. Him playing with the dogs. Actually going to bed with him, etc. Its insane but somehow, Im keeping my sanity...by a thread.

Hmmm...what else do I have this Thursday.......

Well, a lot but this is all Im going to write about. I could literally write a novel right now so I will leave this like it is.

Just be grateful each day...for the good people in your life. Fuck the half assed ones. Be kind....you never know what someone is going through. Be yourself....you are here to live your life, what other people wanna think or say should have no reflection on what you want to do. Love the life you have....you only have one!

Happy Almost Thanksgiving!

Updated at 5:53pm....
I just had to hang up with Sean because I cant handle all of the uncertainty or the I dont knows anymore. Im literally at my breaking point...I think. Not gonna let him see me cry or lash out at him so better to just hang up. No fucking clue when he is coming home

Veterans Day 2017

Veterans Day is a day that is huge in my family. My affiliation with the veterans that have touched my life include my husband who served 15 yrs in the Army. His grandfather who was in the Navy. My ex father in law (dec. 2000) was in the Navy. My ex brother in law was in the Army (we are still close). My son in law is currently serving in the Army. Both of his parents are Army veterans and his sister is currently serving in the Army, along with his uncle being an Army veteran. Along with these heroes, of course, I cant forget the MANY veterans in our military family...friends that have become family. This military community as a whole is one huge family. My best friends today are strong women who I met in "this life". If you havent lived it, you wouldnt understand that bonds and ties that bring us together. The most tight knit, courageous, brave group of women Ive ever come across.

My husband did 2 combat tours in Iraq. He was in Kosovo, Korea and Germany in addition to the many training months and schools in the states, away from home. This is the life we know. This is the life the girls were raised in. Its no surprise that my daughter married the son of 2 veterans and made the decision to enlist himself after they graduated high school. He is an amazing young man and an outstanding young Soldier who is fast tracking his way to a stellar career.

When I tell my husband "Happy Veterans Day", he hates it. He hates being thanked for his service. He honestly feels like he joined because his life was going nowhere in Maine. It was his only option, he felt. He did his job for 15 years and he ETSed (got out when his contract expired). Last night during our Facetime call, I said it to him...he had this look of "oh shut up" and made a joke out of it. That was concerning to me so I began a discussion about it. I told him he needed to reflect on his time in service as more than "just doing his job". Think of the experiences he's had, the bonds he's made. The brothers he gained. I explained to him why people thank him. He may see his enlistment as a do or die choice but others see it as a choice he made to fight for our country. Its bigger in other's eyes. However, sadly..TOO MANY veterans feel like my husband. It was their job, they shouldnt be thanked and they get very uncomfortable when people thank them. Ive had to tell my husband how to respond when someone thanks him ...simply say "Thank you for your support".

For me, I like to take today and make it a day of reflection. I think about those we lost that gave the ultimate sacrifice. I think about their families. I think about those that are still missing and never came home from previous wars long ago. I also reflect on our military life and how very grateful I am to have these people in my life today and what an honor it is to know these heroes. Ive seen what they go through, I know what makes them heroes. The ups and downs of serving this country. Most of our friends dont want thanks, they dont want recognition but they sure as hell deserve it and then some. Our children arent like "normal, civilian" kids. They are so resilient, courageous and strong is an understatement. Our kids were raised where its normal to have one parent gone a majority of the time and its not because he/she wants to but because its his/her job and his/her job is to serve this awesome country. They are raised with more pride than the usual little kid. Not every kid gets to say their daddy or mommy is an American Hero.

Last night, we were talking and I mentioned that Brandy isnt phased whether he is home or not. Not in a bad way. Just in a way that it is normal for her that hes not home consistently. I told him in her eyes, he's been leaving her since she was 4. I wasnt blaming him or saying it in a bad way. Just trying to explain where she is coming from. She's almost 18 now. He has been home for 70 days since October 2015. He deploys as a contractor now. He said that saying it like that was like "Whoaaa" to him. She doesnt resent him whatsoever. This is the norm for her and for us. But I sensed some guilt from his side. He doesnt tend to look at the big picture of any situation much so I point it out sometimes. The girls and I dont blame him at all for not being here. Instead, we are so grateful for the sacrifices he's made to fight for this country. The sacrifices hes made for our family to have a roof over our heads and food on our table. This is what WE signed up for when I signed that marriage certificate. Its not an easy road to go down at all but it is definitely worth it. 

My Soldier doesnt take pride in himself or his service. He is the most humble and downplayed Soldier I know. He never likes to make it known he was in. Before he got out, he despised wearing his uniform after work hours anywhere out in public. He refused to use his military ID to board flights earlier. He wasnt hiding his job, he just went out of his way to not make it known. He cringed when I would make him stand at sports events we went to that asked service members to stand and be recognized. He HATED doing that. So while he never had much pride for his service, the girls and I have plenty for him. He doesnt see the good in what hes done...like many veterans...but we do, the rest of the country does. The courage and sacrifice these men and women have made and continue to make is the most selfless thing a person can do.

So THANK YOU to all of those who have served or are currently serving our nation. You are HEROES in every sense of the word. I am thankful every day however today is the perfect day to make it known to any and everyone. Take today and let people appreciate you. Accept the love, the gratitude and even the free meals youll get today! You deserve this and more and you all will never be forgotten! To those that gave the ultimate sacrifice for this country, you will be remembered by this grateful nation and your memory will live on eternally.

Teachers Are Role Models

When I think of teachers, educators, adults that choose to work within the education system, I would like to think of these people as role models, motivators, adults that kids can respect and look up to..receive guidance from, trust and be supportive.

Seeing that my 3 kids were never problem kids in school as far as behavior, etc...maybe I am just blind to the way teachers interact with students these days. Of course Ive seen viral videos of students fighting with teachers, teachers degrading students but Ive never seen it or dealt with it firsthand. Ive also never heard of it being prominent in the schools my children have attended.

This morning was stressful for me. My daughter texts me that her teacher/coach is being rude. This "teacher" has ALWAYS been great with his filmers, very funny..very laid back and friendly..maybe weird even but the kids liked him. Of course I ask what happened. She calls me in tears..not just sniffling but stuttering through her tears telling me what happened. My child is not an emotional kid so when she's so pissed and upset to where she is crying, its pretty serious. I told her to go straight to the counselor's office where they really hustled to find her counselor seeing that she was so upset. This "teacher" is not even a certified teacher. He is a "coach" that ONLY deals with filmers at the school, which my kid has done the last 2 years for her PE credit. The way he talked to my child set me on fucking fire..like I was about to get dressed and drive there and confront this asshole to his face. During this incident, my daughter was told "Get out of here, just leave" ummm she was where the filmers go for first period. She said no so he told her to to the weight room...mind you, thats where the football team was working out...so she refused. The reason for him telling her to leave is yet to come. He said to her "GET OUT OF HERE, IM DONE WITH YOU" "You cant be in here so leave!" Where the fuck is she supposed to go seeing as THAT is exactly where she goes for first period?! ...ok so lets backtrack to yesterday. We were supposed to go out of town this past weekend but plans fell through. My child did the responsible thing and let her coach know that she couldnt film the game on Friday night. Keep in mind, this was her last home football game of her high school career and it was Senior night. We didnt go out of town so she went to the football game. Why wouldnt she? He had the game covered with filmers already. She goes to school Monday and gets greeted with "Hey Liar" and he continues to call her a liar numerous times. He is overheard telling someone "I just cant wait to hear her stupid excuses". 

After she called me this morning with what happened, I was DONE with HIM! How dare he talk to my child or any child like this?! What if she was a depressed student who hated life and then heard "IM DONE WITH YOU" with a hateful attitude from a TEACHER?! So I made a call to the school, then I made a direct call to him. He called me back and ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! I went the fuck off like Ive never done before. He was like a cowering puppy. He apologized more times than I can count as I berated him for the way he dealt with my kid, telling him that he needs to communicate with his students instead of being a dick to them just because he's pissed. He was pissed because she was at the game and didnt let him know so he thought she lied about leaving town just so she didnt have to film. WRONG MOTHER FUCKER! That one is on ME! No, she doesnt have to report her entire life to you and you HAD that filming covered so wtf wouldnt she go to the game since she was able?! I was so livid! This dude has seemed a little off to me since Ive known of him. I will go as far as to say he is childish. As Im letting him know all of my issues, he is listening to my "suggestions" then he says "Youre right, I dont have kids so I really dont know how to deal with them" UMMMM WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WORKING AT A HIGH SCHOOL WHERE YOU INTERACT AND ARE IN CHARGE OF ....KIDS?!!!! UGH! Why am I having to tell YOU how to interact and deal with teenagers?! Needless to say, my mouth dropped then I continued to speak my mind. Those that know me can figure out how that went. I let him know that if he had any issues, if he just talked to my daughter, she would respond and if that became an issue, he shouldve called me...HER PARENT. Because that's what teachers do, they call parents if they have a problem with a student. They dont call names and act rude and mean just because they are pissed. My child is far from perfect and she has an attitude but no way in hell is any adult, much less her teacher, going to speak to her in the manner he did or say the things he said to her. I made it clear to him that my daughter's last semester of high school will NOT be fucked up because of this incident and I do NOT expect any repercussions from this phone call to fall on her. He understood...or I hope he did. Im not going to apologize for having my child's back when she did nothing wrong while a teacher decides to act like a child and talk down to her like she is shit. FUCK THAT! I will strip you of any dignity you have if you fuck with my kids. I dont know what will happen tomorrow but I am leaving that up to my daughter and her counselor to figure out. I am confidant they will figure out something.

This afternoon, I see a Snap post from someone who goes to the high school and its a teacher telling a kid "Nothing good happens when you talk" Yes, Im sure it was in a joking manner but I was shocked. Then I see a video from an Atlanta news station of a teacher that has been suspended because he was recorded telling a student some seriously messed up things. Ill post the link below..

http://www.fox5atlanta.com/news/teacher-on-leave-after-allegedly-threatening-student 

Granted, the student may have been disrespectful and unruly...but when did it become ok for educators to say this type of shit to students?! Its NEVER ok!

When I think of teachers and those that work in the education field, I would like to think they do it because they are genuine in caring for children. They truly want to be a part in possibly changing a child's life. Thankfully, my children have had AMAZING teachers during their school years and to this day...with them being in their 20s and my last one graduating in June, they still talk about the impacts certain teachers have had on their lives today. I still keep in touch with them because they are that special and I cannot thank them enough for all they did to help and guide my kids while they were their students.

I dont understand why people that work in education (mostly high schools) feel like its ok to speak to CHILDREN in this manner. It hurts my heart. These kids spend more time with these teachers than they do their own parents. I feel its a responsibility of these teachers and educators to know what type of role they play in each student's life. You are there to teach, guide, listen, support and motivate these KIDS to be the best they can be, especially when these kids cant see that in themselves. It saddens me to see this kind of stuff happening. Of course, there will be trouble makers and disruptive students...but they are kids. I do NOT agree with any kind of abuse towards teachers, verbal or anything. However, as the ADULT...the TEACHER, you should know how to handle situations accordingly. If these teachers talk down to them, degrade them...how are they supposed to realize that they are worth better than that in life? No child deserves this...not even an 18 high school Senior that is a legal adult but still in high school trying to graduate. If a student's life at home is terrible, he/she should be able to come to school and feel safe and cared about. 

To all the educators that have had my children as students, I love you and I am forever grateful for the part you all have had in molding my children. Always supporting them, helping them and being there for them. For all the educators that I know, thank you for your caring and selfless ways. You are underappreciated so know that I appreciate you and what you do.

My last shout out is to the most amazing guidance counselor Ive ever known. Not only have 2 of my kids had this person but my son in law has too. This person made it possible for my kids (all 3) to graduate. He pushed them, he guided them, he goes out of his way to make sure his students know he cares for them. He has their back and does whatever he can so his "kids" WILL succeed. Ive never known an educator to be so invested in their students as he is. Just outstanding and he is definitely one educator that will be talked about and kept on a pedestal in my family for years to come.

Finally...THANK THE LORD that my last child is graduating in 7 mths! No more papers to sign, no more school hours and no more school drama. I will be done!

The Little Things

GRATITUDE...its such a small word with a really broad spectrum. 

I'm having some internal struggles so what better way to get my mind right than to write about how grateful I am...for the smallest things to the biggest things. November is the perfect month to think about this and maybe it will get me out of this negative place.

Some may find it weird, but every single day, when I wake up and carry on with my day, I find myself grateful for the smallest things. Im grateful when I cook that I have every cooking utensil that I could ever need. I look at the fact that I have drawers of overflowing silverware and cabinets overflowing with glasses and cups. That may sound ridiculous but its true. I look in my pantry and I am grateful that it has food in it. I find myself with this feeling of gratitude with everything I see and touch in my daily life. I have everything I need plus some in a home that is mine. As I look around, Im thankful that I have something as ridiculous as too many slotted spoons. Crazy, right? When you think about it, its not really that insane.

15-20 years ago, I never imagined that I would be in a solid marriage, that my kids would be successful adults, that I would own a beautiful home filled with everything we could need or want. Never in my life would I have imagined that if I needed something, I could just go get it. Just like that. No, this isnt me boasting at all...this is me realizing how grateful I am for my life. The fact that I went from struggling to get diapers for my babies, never having a real home, wondering what food pantry I could go to each month to get free food to having the amazing things I have now. 

Some might say I dont deserve this because I never worked, that I depended on a man for everything. To those, I say GO FUCK YOURSELF! How fucking wrong you are. Im not going to go the "stay at home moms have the hardest job ever, etc" route. I will just say that just because I dont have an out of home job, that doesnt mean my life is lazy as fuck and I lie around on my couch eating twinkies all day. Taking care of a household is HUGE. ESPECIALLY with a husband/father who is deployed. Granted, its different now because my kids are adults but there are still challenges and things that I have to take care. Handling finances is HUGE. Ive been doing this the last 13 years. My husband never knows how much is in the bank, couldnt pay a bill if he had to. Thats MY JOB. I could go on and on and tell you about what my "jobs" really are but I wont. I will say that I am thankful that Im trusted enough to handle our entire life. My husband has that much faith in me that he doesnt question what I spend where or on what because he knows the necessities are taken care of. The kids have what they need, the dogs are spoiled and our bills get paid. I am SUPER grateful that my husband AND I made the decision TOGETHER years ago that I would stay home with the kids and be there for them every minute of every day as they grew up. When assholes want to throw in my face that I dont work, my response is "Nope. Because I dont fucking have to." Thats the truth and Im very grateful for this. My husband and I have a great life that he has provided for us. Like all marriages, its not all roses and holy shit do we have issues BUT...we make it work, the way we WANT because its OUR life.

Gratitude is important. Its important to remember, on a daily basis. The small circle of friends in my life are TOP on my list of things Im grateful for. Being accepted for the bitch you are is HUGE. For someone to accept you in all your glory or failures or shortcomings is rare. To truly understand a person and love them unconditionally is even more rare. I dont know what I would do without these SUPER WOMEN in my life. 

My daughters are RAD AS HELL. Yes, they have attitudes, they dont listen to me all the time but they are living their lives on their terms...and surviving. To me, that is everything. Im not a perfect mom but looking at them, I can be grateful that Ive raised them with morals, values and confidence. They are responsible thriving young women and they know they can have whatever they want in life if you work for it. Could not be prouder of them. Like their mom, they refuse to be disrespected, they stand up for what they believe in and have hearts of gold. What more could a mother ask for in her children?

In every day life, its easy to be negative. Its easy to think about things you dont have, why your life cant be the fairy tale inside your head. Having OH WOE IS ME, POOR ME pity moments are ok. As long as you snap out of it and see life for what it is and be grateful for what you DO have. Youre alive...number 1. Your health. A roof over your head and clothes on your back. Food in your fridge. Basic things. Let that gratitude turn your mind on to the big things. If you cant see the positives around you, you are making a decision to be unhappy and that is just not healthy. Just now, I looked to my left and saw a bottle of bleach. Yes, Im grateful for that bottle of bleach because some people dont have that! Its the LITTLE THINGS that can make you grateful for the big things. Be grateful that you have milk in your fridge. Be grateful that you have a shower to stay clean.  Even something as little being grateful that you have a toothbrush. There are people in this world, in this country that would do anything to have a margin of what you have so dont take anything for granted. Trust in God that while you may not have everything you want, you will have everything you need. BIG DIFFERENCE. Dont compare your life to others. Doing that will almost ALWAYS make you feel inadequate. Its not a competition. Its your life. Make it the way you want. Dont be that one upper. The one that has to have the best of everything just so you can show it off to make yourself feel superior. FUCK THAT BULLSHIT. Be human, have a heart and be kind. Thats more important than having the new iPhone X first, or getting the newest fashion trend, etc. No one gives a fuck what you have. They give a fuck about who you are. 

Im seeing my friend post the 30 Days Of Gratitude on FB...Here is a list of things I am grateful for. 

1. My family,  my husband and daughters, their significant others and my dogs.

2. My health. It could be better but I am alive and kicking

3. My tribe. My people that love me unconditionally.

4. The privileges that I am blessed with in life, whether its materialistic or otherwise

5. LESSONS LEARNED! If not for these lessons, I would be a bigger train wreck than I already am lol

6. The extended family that we have that actually give a damn about us and make the effort to show us.

7. Being a homeowner, finally. Living in Texas forever.

8. The undying love I receive from the people I love most in this world.

This list could go on forever but you get the gist. Take a moment out of your day and be grateful. It can fill holes in your heart, bring you back down to earth and can make you realize that life is really not as hard as you think it is. Find pleasure in little things. Simple things. You will be shocked at how much peace it can bring you.