"EX" Doesn't Have To Be An Ugly Word

This week has been an emotional and busy one. Decorating for the holidays...I realized how different this year is, especially because my girls' Nana has passed.

She is my ex mother in law. The Brown/Burgess family are my ex inlaws. But, that doesnt have to mean "ex" in an ugly way, as sometimes is the case.

A little history.....Michael is my ex husband. We were together/married from 1991 until I left him in 2002 and our divorce was final in 2006. Our marriage was anything but a fairy tale. Full of violence, dysfunction and terrible memories. However, the POSITIVE things I gained will last me a lifetime...which are of course, the 3 daughters we created and his family. 

I felt a part of his family as soon as we started seeing each other. Nana and Papa were always welcoming and included me in everything from the start. Even having my own Christmas stocking from the beginning. His sister, brother and the rest of the family became my family. All of the years he was incarcerated and was not there for holidays, birthdays, etc...I was. I realized early on how important families are and that his family was a HUGE part of my life, as well as the girls' lives. My baby shower in 1994 was the first time I met the extended Burgess/Brown family. I didnt know any of the women there lol but I learned who each person was, how they were related and to this day, I can still say I talk to them on FB or when I saw them all in September. Kind, God fearing, faithful family oriented, loving, people. 

I was there to help raise and take part in the lives of his niece and nephew. Ashtin and Joseph were babies practically. Ashtin was barely 2 when I met them! When I had my babies, she was 5. From that point, I couldnt have known what a special part of our lives that she would become. She helped me with ALL of my babies more than any cousin should have. In that time, a special relationship blossomed. Not only were my girls her first best friends, her first cousins...they would go on to all grow up and truly stay the BEST of friends. She is now 28, the amazing mother of 3 herself and I truly consider her family. She is my niece. Not my ex niece. I love her like my own, I yell at her like my own and I am forever grateful for the child and woman she was and has become. Watching Joseph grow up and get his life in order has been a blessing in itself.

My "ex" sister in law...nope! She is my sister in law. My girls are her only blood related nieces (or nephews). We have been through everything! Fought like sisters, tolerated each other when we didnt want to and loved a whole lot more than anything. Especially as we've gotten older. She is the best aunt to the girls. She is the most loyal sister in law I couldve asked for. In 1996, she did something that opened my eyes to what I meant to her....At Christmas, the family get together at Nana and Papas...she saw Michael get violent with me in a back room. I didnt know she saw it. Next thing we know, her and her brother are trading punches in the kitchen which turned into her husband and Michael fighting in the driveway. It happened because she had my back in a bad situation. From that day forward, I knew she would be there for me whenever I needed her. God forgive the idiot who chooses to mess with her nieces! She is a a spitfire like Papa but has a heart of gold, like Nana.

His brother Ashley was more of a dad to the girls when they were babies than Michael was. While Michael was out gallivanting, not caring about his family...Ashley was the one who brought me diapers and milk when I needed it. Ashley would go to the ends of the earth for anyone. One of the biggest hearts EVER! He is my brother in law. Always has been and always will. The girls ADORE him to this day and so do I! He would give the shirt off his back for anyone. His heart is as big as they come. Definitely has part of Nana in him!

Michele...the girls' great aunt...Not only was Brittany named after her, she married Michael and I! Ive always looked at her like I would an aunt. She knows me well so she knows exactly when to shoot me down and when to laugh and agree with me. The memories she shares with us from the older years are priceless. I could listen to her stories about the time she grew up for days!

Nana....what a saint. Im so glad I named Brandy after her! What a tolerant, faith driven amazing woman she was. I dont like calling her my ex mother in law. I just call her Nana! The last time I spoke to her was a few weeks before she passed. NOT ONCE, did she forget to end our conversations with an "I LOVE YOU, HUN". I remember years and years of the girls growing when I would randomly call her just to update on what my girls were up to. I also called her when the girls needed a soft but stern speaking to because they werent listening to me lol  She taught me so much about life. How to take care of babies, how to cook, how to be a wife among many other things. The influence she has on me still applies to my life today. 28 years after I met her. She knew how much I loved her and how much she always meant to me. Of course, she nagged and complained but what mother in law doesnt?! I love that woman with my whole heart and her impact will live on through me and my girls forever.

She wrote Sean a letter some years back, thanking him for taking care of her grandbabies and said she is "forever in his debt"...that is just the kind of woman she was. She was well aware her own son was a shitty father, husband, etc...BUT she never gave up on him, was there for him even when everyone told her he didnt deserve it. Yet, she took time to thank my current husband like that. 

When I left Michael finally, there was a very short time where the family was disappointed in me. VERY SHORT! A lot of families that break up make the choice to exclude the ex's family completely. That thought NEVER crossed my mind. It would have been so selfish of me to take away the love of this family from my girls. To deny them the family that is rightfully theirs.  Its not their fault my marriage didnt work. So that was never even a consideration for me. The girls and the Browns have ALWAYS stayed close. ALWAYS been knee deep involved and a part of each other's lives. Taken part in so many milestones in their lives. Granted, Michael always being in jail made this much easier, but even when he is out...the relationship WE have with the family has never faltered. To this day, now that my girls are adults...they are grateful to me for never keeping them from their family.

How fortunate am I to have an extended family in my life that didnt necessarily have to happen?! When Nana passed in September, I didnt have a second thought of going to Georgia for her funeral. We had somewhat prepared for this for a few years, only because she was aging and it was inevitably going to be her time. As soon as we get the news...almost immediately after she passed, my main concern was being there for my girls and for the family. Sandy, Michele, Ashtin...ALL OF THEM. We got to Georgia and it felt like old times. Sandy stated she wanted me with the family at the service. Without mentioning it, I cant even tell you how much that meant to me. We spent the week with family and it was like nothing has changed. Still close as ever. As her services happened, extended family and family friends that I hadnt seen in YEARS came up to me and were just sweet as can be. Showed me that they remembered me, even liked me and loved my kids. Ive always loved the extended family and going to the annual Burgess reunions was one of my favorite memories of when my kids were babies. 

Papa...the stubborn, rough exterior, doesnt take any bs, outspoken, total southern to the core man he was. I saw that side but our family was so lucky to see a complete different side. He (and Nana) had such a softness, such a vulnerability when it came to ALL their babies. He was the sweetest, most spoiling Papa ever! He is THE Papa that would sneak candy to the babies because they wanted it. Memories of babies on his lap in his recliner just rocking them to sleep. Protective as all get out! He loved Nana more than life. Being a part of their 50th wedding anniversary vow renewal family pictures  meant the world to me. Michael was "away", Brittany was just a baby. He has left quite a legacy and I see him and Nana in my girls every day. Not to mention in Sandy, Ashtin, Joseph and the rest of the family.  Brandy was a baby when he passed but today, she can tell you what kind of man he was, stories that she was told her entire life. She may not remember him but through this family, she knows what a special man their Papa was.

Decorating my tree, I surprisingly got so emotional. Every year since all the babies (even my generation and before), Nana made ornaments for everyone. I have the ones she made for my girls. Putting them up, I can remember each year she gave each one to them. Christmas was everyone's favorite time of year. Christmas at Nana's. Waking up Christmas morning to presents spread out on her couch for the girls from Santa. Her breakfast casserole she made every year. The ham...OH THE HAM!!! When we moved away from Georgia in 2009, I know the girls missed Christmas with the Browns terribly. I did too but not like they did. Knowing that Christmas wont ever be the same again is heartbreaking. Since we moved, EVERY Christmas (Easter, Mothers Day, etc) morning, I always tell my girls "make sure you call Nana". This year I cant say that. But I CAN tell them to make sure they call their Aunt Sandy and Aunt Michele. Traditions will live on. 

I consider myself so lucky to have an additional family still in my life to call my own. They arent "exes". I hate that word. They are just FAMILY. I speak to all of them regularly...my girls do too. Ashtin is still their best friend and the bond that these 4 girls have now is such a beautiful thing to witness. I know Nana and Papa are looking down on their family and would be proud of how strong everyone is. Memories flood our minds, love fills our hearts. While the holidays will never be the same...Joseph said something to me the other day...he said "We will still have great family gatherings"...SO TRUE!! 

My ex husband is my ex for a reason. GOOD reasons...but his family is my family. Always have been and always will be. They have included my current husband from day one. They love him like their own. What more can I ask for?

I shed tears when I think of how much Nana (and Papa) are missed but I am so appreciative of everything they have done for me the last 28 years...the love and lessons they instilled in my daughters.  The lessons they taught me! The faith in God they had lets me know without a doubt that they are in heaven, together again, keeping watch over all of us and smiling.  

28 years as a part of this family. Such a blessing, such a special group of people. I could not have wished for a better family for my daughters. Just because they have nothing to do with Michael, they never have really...that doesnt mean that they cant have anything to do with his family...their family...the family they were born from and into. My girls have so much love from them that it overflows and completely compensates for what they have never received from their own biological "father". 

Since Nana has passed, Ive noticed a change. Sandy, Ashtin, my girls...I can see that they look at life differently. They see it through Nana's eyes and they try to live life the way she would want. 

Bailey is a carbon copy of Nana. Her mannerisms, her emotions, her heart, her compassion. I am very grateful for that! EVERYONE told her how much she was like Nana and I know how much she loves that and takes pride in it. We even compared younger photos of Nana to her and she has a lot of her features. I know Bay takes so much pride in this as well as the rest of the family.

Holidays will be different but there will never be a lack of love and family. Being raised Jewish, the Brown family showed me what family and Christmas time means. 

Im the one who is forever in THEIR debt!

Nana and Papa, you are loved and missed more than you know. Your memory and legacy will carried on through generation after generation of the family YOU created!! Never far from our thoughts and ALWAYS IN OUR HEARTS! 

My Letter To Mom

Dear Mom,

Its been almost 10 yrs since you left us. Since you took yourself from us. While I finally understand why, it still hurts like it was yesterday. Yes, you made sure your kids and grandkids were stable in their lives...you left us a legacy that will live on...you provided financial means for all of us..but the physical pain of you not being here is unbearable at times.

I think of you EVERY single day. Random thoughts as I cook, bake, see something or hear something that reminds me of you. I think about how you would handle things that come up. What advice you would give. Although I try my hardest to do right by you, I fail at times. We mention you pretty much every day.

Everything that youve missed. Your grandkids' Graduations, Bailey's wedding, meeting her amazing husband. The guidance Brittany could have used in her adult life from you. Brandy growing into the exact replica of me. The transition that Sean made from Soldier to civilian. Our life in Louisiana ans Texas. Among all of the other events and life that has happened in the last 10 yrs.

Life has changed so much. Sometimes I think that things wouldnt be like this if you were still here. The dysfunction with David and his poor decisions. The rift with him and I. Mark being so lost and confused in his life. Esther and her life...you would be proud of her. She has taken on your role of being there for your sister, trying her best to keep family traditions going. All of our kids miss you so much. Im grateful my girls had the memories they have with you. All of the time you spent with them. All of the love you showed. It will stay with them forever.

For me personally...I am just crushed without you. Recently, Brandy and I went through a rough spot. It brought me back to you and I when I was growing up. I dont like to think about the bad stuff. I dont like to think of the dysfunction in our own family. I want to remember you being the supportive mother I had as an adult. The AMAZING grandmother you were. The loving mother in law you were. As an adult..when you died, I was scared. I had to solely depend on my decisions in life and trust that I was doing things right. I no longer had you to guide me, advise me, help me through the rough spots. Today, that is one thing I miss so much. Would you be proud of how I turned out? Would you be proud of how the girls were raised? All I can do now is feel confident that Im doing the best I can and yes, you would be proud. Im not perfect and of course there are things you would yell at me for, you would be disappointed in...but I cant beat myself up for that anymore.

You would be 73 years old. I wonder what kind of grandmother you wouldve been. How you wouldve handled watching time go by, watching all the kids become adults. Life is so different now. Yesterday, I found a pair of your earrings in Brandy's room and I cleaned them. I had flashbacks of when you wore them. I took out your engagement ring. I wonder if you would still be married to Bob today. Hes gone now too. Hes buried with you. We havent spoken to him since you passed but if I know you, as soon as he passed...you were right there bitching and nagging him like always...like he deserved. You shocked us with your will but it finally gave us all a sense of your true feelings about your marriage. I want to thank you for doing what you felt was necessary to give the 4 of us a family after Dad left. Bob was not the best, he was the worst in a lot of ways...but you sacrificed your true happiness so we could have a family.When he passed last year, I let go of all the hate Ive felt. I felt pity for him. Now I rarely think of him at all.

Esther and I had a rough patch but all is good now. She is the only one who can relate to my feelings about you on every level. We talk about you all the time. David and Mark live their lives how they choose but her and I will always remain close...because of you. Bryce is doing amazing. The other kids are all thriving. I cant help but know that their lives would be so much richer if you were here.

It took me a lot of years to accept what you did and why. Its taken me a lot longer to be ok with it all. The feelings of anger I had are gone. You are pain free..you are at peace and you trusted we would be ok. I was scared that memories would fade. NOT EVEN CLOSE!

I will never forget the last time I saw you. You were so serene. You had me lay in your lap like I did when I was little and you stroked my hair. You took in everything more than usual. You were calm. This was 2 weeks before you did what you did. Im sure you had it planned at this time but you were so loving. Im so grateful you had that last week with my girls.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed and feel like I cant do life anymore. But I can. I have you looking out for me, I have you looking out for my family and I need to live my life how you wouldve wanted. Im sorry I couldnt help you more than I did. Im sorry I couldnt take your pain away. Im sorry that you did the only thing you felt you could. Im sorry you arent here today. No, I dont blame myself and I dont blame you. I blame Bob but now thats he gone, I cant even do that anymore. It is what it is and life has to go on. The memories are priceless. The lessons you taught all of us are immeasurable. The legacy you left will go on forever, through each generation. You will always be remembered as a loving mother and grandmother. You put everyone else before you. You cared more than people deserved and you never gave up. Thats right, you may have taken your own life but it was because you didnt want to burden anyone, so again...you cared for others more than yourself to the very end. You are and always will be the most selfless person I will ever know. I pray some of your traits have been passed down to us.

I love you so much. I miss you every second of every day. Please continue to watch over us. Please send signs that you are with us. You are gone physically but you will never be gone from the depths of my soul and my heart. I am who I am because of you...Im grateful for our time, Im grateful that you adopted me and you are the only mother I'll ever know. The anger, frustration and resentment are gone. Its all about love and forgiveness...because that is what I envision you would want. ALL of us will be ok. ALL of us will continue living...ALL of us will get through each trial and tribulation that comes along...you didnt raise us to be weak.

I pray you hear me when I talk to you. I will never stop.

I LOVE YOU!

Love,
Brooke

Strength Comes In Numbers

Wow! Its 2 days before Thanksgiving...what an insane couple of months Ive had!

Ive been thinking a lot lately...about life, my family, my friends...trying to figure out how I got to the point Im at. How I keep surviving each day. Just to give an idea of whats happened in my life the last couple of months...

*My ex mother in law passed away in September, my girls' Nana who Ive always stayed close to..
 This was a HARD loss for everyone. Its always tough when a matriarch passes away. My girls first loss as adults. We made the trip to Atlanta for her funeral. Talk about a range of emotions. We were n the area that I lived in with my ex, surrounded by memories and places and people from my abusive past with my ex husband. I had to hold it down and be strong for my kids. I was there to support them and help them deal with one of the biggest losses of their lives. Emotions ran high for everyone that week. It was good to see people I havent seen in decades. I also got to visit my mother's grave, saw my aunt and the rest of my family minus my brothers. I was able to see ALL of my nieces and nephews which was awesome! My sister and I buried our issues and reconciled and I am most grateful for that.

*Sean came home unexpectedly. The consulate in Iraq shut down per the state department and basically, he was/is out of work. While I was happy he was coming home, I was also scared. We work great as a team and even if I didnt know how we would make it, I knew we would somehow. Currently, he is set to go to Afghanistan on a new contract so its just a waiting game at this point. In the meantime, Im loving having him home and Im so grateful he is home for Thanksgiving.

*My youngest daughter and I had a MAJOR fallout. Without going into detail...she was gone and I didnt talk to her and I didnt for sure know where she was for 2 days. It was the most devastating, heartbreaking 2 days EVER. During that time, I felt like a failure as a mother. Struggling to stick to my guns about demanding respect but at the same time, wanting to cave and give in to her just to have her home. I wanted to give up completely. She is JUST LIKE ME. We clash but its never been this bad. I wanted to die. I wanted to not exist. I felt I was to blame for everything negative in my children's lives. Sean was home but he stayed out of it for the most part because he knew that her and I had to get through this. Her sisters were there for her and for me but in the end, her and I had to deal with it. After some hard realizations on both of our parts, after a long talk and after some wonderful advice from my tribe of angels (my besties), we got through it. We have an understanding and through it all, she was receptive to what I need from her as I was to her.

* Sean and I took a quick surprise trip to Oklahoma to surprise my Bestie for her birthday. What a FABULOUS weekend! They are moving so I was so glad to see her and her family!

All thats happened had me thinking a lot about who and what I get my strength from. How do I literally deal with the day to day bullshit of LIFE?! My people. Thats how. I am fortunate enough to have a handful of people in my life who are there 100% for me. Even when I dont want to reach out, they know and they have my back consistently. I need people to call me on my bullshit, uplift me, encourage me and give me support when I have no faith in myself. There are days when I dont want to wake up. I dont want to talk to anyone. When all of a sudden, I get a text from one of  my people asking how I am or what's up or if I'm ok. I get reminded of all the trials and tribulations Ive been through in my life and how I am still standing tall today. I get reminded that I have strength to deal with anything that comes along. I am reminded to have faith. I am told how special I truly am. How I impact other lives and the positivity I bring to their lives. Advice that is given is priceless. Before you know it, I am feeling competent again and I KNOW I can handle whatever comes along.

My daughters are also a HUGE part of where I get my strength and will to keep going. They are grown. I felt as though I wasnt needed anymore. They have their lives and my job raising them is done. HELL NO ITS NOT!  I specifically remember days when I literally felt useless and I was just done. Ive even told them on occasion that Im done. Truth be told, I will never be done. The thought of hanging on JUST because I have 3 children who I created, needed me to, has gotten me through some dark days. They might be raised but I know that I will ALWAYS have to be that pillar of strength for them. Being a mother to adults has challenges. Thankfully Ive seen that they still need me, just in a different capacity. I am enough. I am #1 with them and that alone gets me through the toughest of times.

Sean is my rock. His communication skills may suck at times, but without a doubt, he is there for me to the best of his ability. I no longer have expectations of him. I accept him for who he is completely. I make more of an effort to understand things from his side. Finally realizing we work better as a team has definitely been an epiphany for me.  From this angle, I know I am loved, I know I am taken care of and I know someone has my best interest in mind 100!

Faith and spirituality has been a huge factor for me lately. The unknown is scary. But its inevitable. I have learned that I need to truly have faith that things are going to be ok. I may not know how but failing is not an option so together, we will find a way to make every and any thing work. Ive done a lot of soul searching alone and with my close friends. I am open to a lot more about myself. It feels like Im learning something new every day. For the first time in a long while, I finally feel like I am cared about and loved by others. I feel it in my heart and soul that I am worthy of being loved. I dont have to take on everything by myself and there is nothing wrong with leaning on others when I feel lost. Definitely a hard pill for this strong willed, I can handle everything on my own, woman to swallow.

Through my family, through my best friends...life is not so dreary and bleak anymore for me. I see a light. It may be foggy at times but its there. I no longer feel like I am alone for the first time in forever. I DO have friends that truly care about my well being. I have a husband who loves me to no end and I have 3 amazing daughters who see me as their world. I dont have to take on every thing that comes up by myself and I dont have to have all of the answers. I have faith, hope and trust and that has become enough for me. I dont HAVE to have all the answers. I need positivity and good vibes in order for my mind and soul to be complete and I have that, finally.

My oldest daughter is moving back home this week. Finally done with her ex boyfriend of 7 yrs and she is ready to start a new life. I could not be more thrilled for her! She is strong like her mom and her future looks so bright. She hasnt lived with me since she was 17, she is now 24. It will be challenging at times but we will make it through it, like always.

So life keeps coming, throwing curve balls all the time...I feel like Ive found ways to cope and handle things in a manner that is healthy and prosperous for me and for everyone involved.

Find yourself a handful of people that bring light to your life. Find faith and hope that things happen how they are supposed to and everything happens for a reason. Dig deep inside to find your inner strength that you never knew existed. If that is hard for you, lean on your people. Let them uplift you until you can keep yourself up.

I dont know how I would survive without my people. It just wouldnt be possible and I could not be more grateful. I wont have negativity in my life anymore. I wont be emotionally or mentally drained by anyone because I have others depending on me to be strong. Peace, love and light sounds so cliche but its so spot on. Its how I must live my life today. Sean, my daughters, my family, Clara, Mel, Laurie, Carmen, Nancy (who doesnt even have social media anymore lol) and the others, you know who you are....you are my strength, you are my reason, you are my heart. Thank you for being who you are and thank you for loving me unconditionally and being there for me even when I didnt want anyone. FOREVER THANKFUL!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!! Hope 2019 brings you all you want and more!

Our Crazy Summer!

Highs, Lows, In Betweens...all of its happened this month...

For starters, Sean came home for his 35 days of leave. A week later than we expected but he made it 4 days before Brandy's high school Graduation so that is what mattered. I guess when he stepped off the plane is where the craziness started.

Without going into too much detail, we had a sort of awakening in our marriage that started literally an hour of him being home. End result: our marriage has taken on a new dynamic and our life has taken a turn, kind of. Things I once was confident about, I have doubts. No, he didnt cheat and we didnt break up. He came home a different person this time and we were forced to re evaluate our relationship, once more. It feels like we do this every time he comes home. Mind you, he's only been home 4 times since 2015 but still.So after having one of the longest discussions we've ever had, we knew we both had some work to do, together and alone to get to where we both wanted to be. However, for now, that had to take a back seat because this week was about Brandy.

OUR BABY GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!! We had all the kids here, our friend from Philly flew in. It was an AMAZING week and we could not be more proud. Watching her walk in and walking across that stage was surreal. That was it! She is the last one. THE baby is done! She actually spent Grad night here with her bestie and they went to hang out with some people but nothing too crazy. The next day, we had her Grad party but it was also a double celebration. OUR OTHER BABY GRADUATED!! Bailey graduated Dental Assistant School and is now a Registered Dental Assistant in the state of Texas. She sacrificed a lot to do this. She lived here, away from her husband for 3 mths while she secured her career.

A couple of days after Graduation, Brandy went back to El Paso with Bailey and James. She was gone for 2 mths to just have some fun and decompress. In that time, the 3 of them took a road trip back to Georgia to visit family and then they went to Panama City Beach for a few days. On Father's Day weekend, Sean and I drove to El Paso to spend the weekend with the kids.

We had A LOT of alone time and it was much needed. He went back over on July 6th. In June, my friend's son moved in. He got stationed here. He is like my son so its been great having him here. After Sean went back, Brandy came home a few weeks later and life had begun. She went back to work although now she has her own car and drives herself to and from, which is nice for me.

My house is now semi-full with Matthew and Brandy here. The difference is now, I dont have a routine. No more waking her up for school or planning my schedule around taking her where ever she needs to go. Its been strange but also very nice...

Sean and I celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary in August. Of course he was gone for it but nonetheless, it was a good day! I realized that we have been together A LONG TIME and our relationship changes and grows daily. Its eye opening and its unreal how different we are from when we first got together, 14 yrs ago.

So that was our Summer....I need to start blogging again...lots has happened. It just so happens that Im posting this in November although I started this blog months ago....Stay tuned!

"I MISS HER TOO"

Its pretty amazing how hearing those 4 simple words could make my heart explode yet give me the most serene feeling EVER! It's also ironic that I'm writing this today, as I was reminded by FB memories that my Grandmother passed 6 years ago today, at 100 yrs old.

On Mother's Day, I had the thought that I wanted to call my mother's best friend, Linda. I talk to her husband and daughter sometimes and we keep up with each other on FB, however Linda doesnt have FB and I havent actually spoken to her since Mom's funeral. Time got away from me, as usual, so I finally called her yesterday.

That phone call had such an unexpected, profound effect on me. A little backstory. Linda and Lee have known me since I was 7-8 years old. They have a daughter a few years older than me. They have been there and seen me growing up. From the massive rebellious teenager, to being in an unhealthy first marriage (Lee actually represented my ex husband in court one time lol), to being a mother times 3 and now...being 47 with all of my children grown. My mother and Linda had one of those genuine, REAL friendships. Honest to the core, whether they liked it or not. Always there. Acceptance and unconditional love. Mom was quirky, Linda wasnt. Perfect BFF match, right? Linda was the ONLY person EVER that my mother allowed to smoke in her house. Linda refused to come over if she couldnt so Mom made the exception for her. You have to remember, this was back in the 80s so today's society taboos were NOT what they were back then. The point is, Linda has been in my mom's life and my life since I can remember.

Yesterday, I began talking to her about Mom. I choked up, of course. I cannot tell you what it meant to me to finally talk to someone who gets it. Yes, I know my friends who have lost parents get it but not like this. She knew Mom better than anyone. No explanation of anything was needed, except one. She never knew exactly how Mom died. She knew it was suicide but she had no idea of the details of how she did it, my stepdad's involvement, etc. I began to tell her what happened. Immediately it brought me back to that phone call. I relived every moment from that day to the entire week of her funeral. Giving her details and telling her how things went down within the family after the funeral and so on. Writing those details is SO different from speaking them. Something I havent done since around the time Mom died in 2009. Linda just listened. She knows the drama that was in our family. She knows my siblings and I. I didnt have to elaborate or explain ONE thing because she just knew. It was a relief for me to get all of this out, as I would discover after we hung up. The one thing she said quite a few times during our conversation made my heart drop to my knees. I feel like its the most significant thing anyone has said to me in YEARS. She said "I MISS HER TOO". I could hear the sadness in her voice. I could hear the love in her voice. It hit me later how much hearing that from her truly meant. It meant that someone other than my siblings and family missed Mom as much as I do. She knew Mom the way I did. She felt my loss. It was an epiphany. Ive spoken to distant family about Mom before but since she passed, I had NEVER talked to anyone about her to the extent Linda and I discussed. We reminisced, we laughed, I updated her on all of my drama with my siblings lol and we talked about the place I am today, with my kids grown, etc. I told her that I talk to Mom a lot, she told me to keep doing that and not to stop. Ive heard that before from friends and people I love but hearing it from her took it to another level.

Linda's daughter Caren knew my mom like I did, as well. Mom was there for her as a young adult so she saw Mom how I saw her. Mom was there when her babies were born, she was there for some trying times in her life. Because of this, Caren and I always got along and had this bond. When I found her on FB, after SO MANY years, I cried tears of joy. To this day, I know I can call her anytime and just talk about Mom until Im blue in the face and she will listen to me, cry with me and empathize with me like only a few can. She will always be my sister.

Ive been in a state of denial since Mom passed. Denying that I HAD to deal with it and all of the emotions that came along with it. I just refused. I wouldnt allow myself to break down. I wouldnt allow myself to feel the deep hurt that Ive had deep inside for so long. My dear friend, who I met through my Bestie (its her sister) has taken the time to talk with me and guide me through this process. She is definitely a Godsend. I can honestly say that I have started to come to terms with everything and I am learning to finally deal with it. However, Ive realized through this process that its not about just breaking down completely and then being ok. For me, its about utilizing the people in my life that I CAN go to when I need to talk about Mom. People like Linda, my aunt, Caren, Lee...people other than my siblings who knew Mom and can truly empathize in the pain I feel without explaining why. I realized yesterday how healing it is for me. Talking to people that loved my mother like I do. Talking about her to people that knew her and knew her heart. Sometimes, I want to just call distant relatives to talk about her. But I dont. I dont want to be a bother. Today, I know I have those I can call at anytime and feel confident that they GET IT.

So today, my healing continues. As my last child graduates, I know there are others that feel the absence of my mother in the same way I do. They KNOW how proud she would be. They KNOW she is looking down with the biggest smile on her beautiful face. For the first time since she passed, I can finally say I have a sense of moving forward. Ive stayed stagnant in this gray area where she is concerned for so long and its been eating me up. Now, I have a peaceful feeling. I can begin to really deal with this loss knowing I will be ok. Things happen for a reason and there is a time for everything.

This is my time.

Side note: its also time to get my ass in gear and get ready for my husband to come home from overseas and get my house and heart ready for my baby to graduate high school next week!

Mother's Day...For This Motherless Daughter

Mom passed away a few weeks before Mother's Day. In 2009, I dreaded this holiday. I had so much anxiety. I didnt know how I would feel. I was scared for that day to come. It was hard. As jumbled as my emotions were, I have no idea how I made it through that year.

As the years have passed, its always been a day that makes me sad. How can I celebrate Mother's Day when my mother is no longer here? Its been 9 years...the last few years, how I view this day has changed A LOT!

Now I take Mother's Day to reflect on the memories I have. Im not as sad anymore. I use this day to celebrate other mothers. My friends who are amazing mothers. I also take this day to celebrate the reason why I am a mother. My 3 daughters. I give thanks to them for making me a mom. I reflect on the days they were born and the day I entered this wonderful group of women called "Moms". 

Being a mother is the most important, hardest, most rewarding job in the world. Knowing you gave life to another person, whether its by giving birth or giving them a life through adopting....that you are responsible for this person forever. I never imagined myself having kids when I was a teenager. Now, I could not imagine my life without them. My children gave me a purpose in life. I may not have accomplished a lot but I raised 3 human beings. If that isnt a gift in itself, I dont know what it is. Its not all roses and at times, I just wanted to quit. But you see, that isnt an option. Even as adults, my job as their mom never stops. They still need guidance, support, direction, love that only I can give them.

I get down on myself A LOT. But I take one look at these 3 beautiful women and I know I did SOME thing right. These kids were my saving grace. There is no one else that I would literally die for. They gave me life, love and a reason to keep going at times when I wanted to just stop life. For that, I could not be more grateful.

This is the mindset I choose for Mother's Day. Of course I remember my mother, my grandmother and the important women in my life. Ive learned to be grateful I had them in my life. I let that gratitude keep me from feeling so sad. I learned to enjoy letting my children celebrate me. Its not fair to them if Im sad on the day they want to honor me for being their mom. They shouldnt feel like they have to make up for the fact that my mother is gone. So I try my best to put aside my negative and sad feelings and make it the best I can for them. 

Being a "Motherless Daughter" is difficult but as the years passed, I can really appreciate what my mother truly meant to me. I know she is with me. I know she is probably judging me but she is also proud. I honor her in any way I can on any given day. From my girls wearing her pearls for Graduation. To Brandy wearing her bracelet for Prom. To just going through her things and crying for a few because she is missed so much. I can appreciate that my mother CHOSE me...she adopted me, she allowed me to make her a mother to me. The lessons Ive learned from her, the life knowledge she taught me can never fade. All I can do is pass this knowledge down to my children the best I can. She will never be forgotten, never fade from our memories and conversations. Just because I choose not to be sad on Mother's Day doesnt take anything away from her being so missed, by all of us. It only means that Ive come to the point of accepting what is and making the most of a tough situation. 

Mother's Day...I celebrate ALL MOMS! I honor each and every one of you. We are a force to be reckoned with. NO ONE can do what we do. No one can understand what we go through except each other. I hope each of you are surrounded by love because you deserve that and more.

This year, I will be celebrating my daughter's 2nd wedding anniversary which is the day before Mother's Day. She is here attending school for 3 more weeks and her husband is back home at Ft Bliss. Being separated on their day is hard but as they know, its not the first and wont be the last. Army life is fabulous lol I will also be spending Sunday (and the rest of the week) preparing for my husband's homecoming from his 4th deployment as a civilian. Lots to keep me occupied and busy but I am determined to make it a day filled with smiles and love. 

Up next...our Brandy graduates high school on June 1 and on June 2, Bailey graduates Dental Assistant School. Lots of exciting things happening for our family. Mother's Day is just a day...we should honor mothers...and fathers...and people, EVERY DAY!!!!!

Loneliness Is Addictive

I am alone 90% of the time. My husband has been home for just under 4 mths in the last 3 years. My 2 older kids dont live at home and my youngest who is 18 has her own life...work, friends, school, etc. Most of the time, Im perfectly fine by myself. However, Ive realized that Ive grown accustomed to being alone, you could say addicted in a way. 

I dont work, by choice. I have all the time in the world. I could go out and be social at any given time. I could even get a job. I have no kids to watch, no real parent responsibilities anymore. However, I CHOOSE not to do those things. Im a loner. I literally leave my house once or twice a week to go to the store and run errands. My days consist of cleaning, taking care of my dogs..and staying in my head and thoughts constantly. Since Brandy is still home and I now have Bailey here for a bit, there is more to do and more interaction and chaos. Good chaos but nonetheless, chaos. Ive found myself getting annoyed by it. Of course Im happy my kids are here, but when the house is empty, like now, I just feel more calm and content. 

Being alone has become addictive for me. When I have to go out, I spend over an hour getting ready. If only, so people who see me in public wont look at me and think I dont have my shit together. So they wont see the truth, which is that I have no life. Sadly, I chose this but Im content like this.  I have no desire to have any social interaction with anyone. I have no desire to go out and do spontaneous stuff. I literally prefer staying home in my sweats all day, every day and watching my TV shows that I have scheduled each night of the week. I have an overflowing closet of clothes and shoes that I never wear. They are there "just in case". How stupid is that? I could sell my purse collection for a fortune but I need to keep them all "just in case". I DONT GO ANYWHERE! This is NOT who I used to be.

I used to be the "hostess with the mostest" when the kids were younger. In our early and middle days in the Army. I had get togethers ALL the time. Went out to dinner ALL the time with friends. Threw parties and had tons of people over. I was a total social butterfly. When we lived in Georgia, there wasnt a weekend that went by that I wasnt out with a group of friends. Our entire families. Having dinner, hanging out, having a fabulous time. In Louisiana, it was a repeat of that. We had friends from Georgia there so it was always a great time full of friends that are family to us. When I got to Texas, I had a best friend here and when she PCSed, I just shut down. I do have friends here that Ive met. I have opportunities to hang out with people. I get invites all the time. I just dont go. When Sean started deploying with this job, it took some getting used to again. Now it takes getting used to having him home for just over a month at a time. I have my days where Im sick of doing life alone. The deployments are wearing me down. Im married but Im alone. Sometimes I feel guilty for "enjoying" my life by myself. I get anxiety when he comes home. I get anxiety at the thought of socializing. When these things happen, I absolutely love it. I have a great time and I remember why I love entertaining company. Its just not my go-to persona anymore. Why am I so content and ok with no interaction with people? Why am I so ok with not leaving my house? 

It could be that Im getting older. It could be that I just feel like I cant invest in anyone anymore. This is just who I am today. I dont necessarily like it but Im content. Part of me feels like I have no purpose. The kids are grown. I raised them and I feel like a failure at parenting adult children. Im pushing 50 yrs old. My husband is 38, Im stupid enough to have insecure thoughts to the point we are fighting over shit that has NEVER been an issue before. He loves me, would never betray or hurt me in any way. So why do I convince myself otherwise to the point I truly believe my thoughts?? Am I forcing myself to be ok with the distance between us? Is it finally getting down to the fact that I really CANT take it anymore? People see me as this strong woman that can handle anything that comes my way. Maybe Im reaching a breaking point. Maybe its perimenopause that is causing my emotions and thoughts to go fucking crazy. Maybe its a mid life crisis. Maybe Im just good at stuffing the real shit inside of me down deep enough to where I can ignore it. Maybe being alone has me going literally insane. I honestly dont know the answers. I know what I should do and think, but I block all of that. Who knows, maybe Im comfortable being an insecure, aging, paranoid loner. Is it depression? Could be.

I have a good life. I have great friends. I am just clueless on how to incorporate these things into my happiness. I dont want to reach out to anyone. I dont want to be the needy friend. I always have my shit together...or do I? Not saying Im fake in any way...just saying Im not one to burden people with my issues and problems. Instead, I make myself available to anyone at any time. Seeing people I love struggle is the WORST for me. I want to feel needed yet I dont want to need anyone. Make sense? Not to me either. 

I guess being alone so much has forced me to take a look at myself. Half the time, Im not ok with who I see. The other half is bulletproof and can handle anything and everything that comes my way. My best friends are hundreds of miles away. They have their own lives, their own family and their own things they are going through. Deployments are not easy. I got this, right? Its what we have to do at this point in time. I can deal with this life. Ive been doing it for almost 14 years. Times change. The kids got older. Our bills doubled. Life moves on. This is how I convince myself that I got this in the bag. Today, I dont.

Not only that...this rotation, Sean's job is somewhat dangerous. So I have that to think about too. There is alot happening with Graduation coming fast, Sean will be home in a month, my family bullshit that still weighs heavily on my mind, Mom's Angelversary...etc. Im more content with nothing on the calendar, nothing going on and nothing to think about. Thats just not how life is, though. This Mercury retrograde has life all fucked up for me but hopefully, this too, shall pass...QUICKLY. Im really off lately, Im stressed and Im about to lose my shit daily...but I have to believe that life will calm down soon. I have to believe that its going to be ok....only because I dont know how it could get worse right now. 

Saturday night... Bailey is back in El Paso until Friday. Bran is out with her friends so its just me and the dogs. Im going to watch Greatest Showman for the second time today and 6th time total. That movie makes me feel good for some reason so I love it! Godwilling, getting this out can help me wake up tomorrow with a different mindset. As content as I am being alone, my mindset isnt where its supposed to be. Im going to pray tonight to give me some answers that I definitely need. When shit's out of whack...my family suffers and they dont deserve it.

Just like any addiction, if it gets out of control and if you give in to the addiction, there are consequences. My addiction to being alone has them too and Im suffering these consequences now. Praying it will subside and I can get it in check. Maybe one day, I will decide to put myself out there and learn to be social again. Time will tell. Until then, my DVR awaits and there are always dishes and laundry to do!! 

9 Years Has Passed..April 26, 2009

It's hard to believe that it's been 9 years since my mom passed away. Some days, it just doesnt seem real and other days, it seems all TOO real. I remember the last time I saw her, the evening I got the call, etc like it was yesterday. It just dawned on me that on this date, 9 years ago, was the last time I saw my mother alive.

We were bringing the girls to Atlanta for Spring Break to spend it with my parents. I was going to California and flying out of Atlanta. When we got to Mom's, I noticed her in a very calm place. She seemed like she was taking every thing in for the first time. Enjoying the kids, big smile on her face and just acting happy. By this time, she wasnt too mobile so she went to lie down in her room. She called me back and had me sit next to her. She had me lay my head in her lap while she ran her fingers through my hair like she did when I was a little girl. At that moment, I was 10 years old again. I remember thinking it was strange but nonetheless, I took it all in. Looking back, I am SO grateful the girls had that week with her.

August 2007 

April 26, 2009..around 5 or 6, I got the call from my sister. "Mom's dead. She committed suicide". My entire world shattered at that moment. I fell to the floor and just screamed. I remember calling my Bestie as soon as I was able to speak. The following hours were a daze. Brittany immediately freaked out...Bailey wasnt even home so I had to tell her when she arrived from her friend's house. Brandy was sad, confused and a little lost. Getting Sean's emergency leave approved, packing to go to Atlanta, etc. One memory that sticks out for some odd reason is when we drove on post to head back to Atlanta. We pull up to the gate, it was about 430am...this gate guard gives us this cheery "Good morning!" He looks at me and tells me "Smile, its going to be a great day!" I looked at him with evil eyes and said "My mom just died so today will NOT be a good day". He was shocked and felt like shit but at that moment, I could care less. Going on no sleep, we arrived at my brother's house at 8am. I couldnt go to my mom's house. David and Esther were at Mom's when the paramedics came and took her away.  I remember that during this time, Im wondering what the hell happened. Something wasnt right and I felt it in my gut. However, I carried on and did what I had to do. My siblings, my aunt, my stepfather and I all went to the funeral home to make arrangements. In the middle of planning my mothers funeral, Bob said "We have all these credit cards together, how would I get her name off of them" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I was pissed and just shocked. Plans were made and the obituary came out. Well, it turned out that my brother is the one who wrote it. Why him, I have NO idea. But he put my name down as Brooke Brown...I had been married to Sean CONOVER for 3 years at this time. I was so pissed but there was nothing I could do. I remember meeting my aunt and siblings at my grandmother's nursing home to tell her that her child had passed away. She was in her late 90s. She could barely speak but watching her rock back and forth and moan "My baby" broke my heart. My aunt made the decision not to tell her when the funeral was because she didnt think she could handle it. She was at the house after the funeral was over though.

At the funeral, the family was given the option to go see her one more time. I wouldnt let my kids see her but I decided to go. I refused to go see her at the funeral home. But I decided I needed to see her this last time. Sean walked in with me. When I saw her, I fell to my knees. Looking back, I wish I hadnt seen her because that is my last memory of her. The service, burial, etc was nice but I was glad it was over

This whole time, my siblings and I just didnt understand a lot of things. So many unanswered questions. Mom left a note. It said to tell everyone she had a heart attack in her sleep. She left a list of Bob's medication schedule and doctors appts, etc.  After the funeral, I was in town for 4 more days. The night after, we were gathered in the office at Mom's house. It was me, my brother and his wife, my stepsister and her husband and Bob. Out of the blue, my brother blurted out "Did you do it? Did you have anything to do with it?" His answer "I cant answer that for legal reasons" UMM WHAT?! We had a hunch he was involved but couldnt put it together. Without going into detail, we realized there was NO WAY my mother couldve taken her life the way she did alone. She had to have assistance. Well, his answer didnt sit well at all. My brother lunged at my stepdad. Me and my sister in law were trying to get between them while screaming for Sean to come in there. He was entertaining the kids in the living room. My stepsisters husband jumped up which was pointless. A 50 something yr old dude gonna fight my pissed off 30 something yr old Colombian brother. Not so much. Sean came in, grabbed my brother and dragged him out of the house. We gathered the kids and left. During this time, before the drama, my sister in law found a journal on mom's computer that she kept. She printed it out so we could all have a copy. There, we saw how miserable she was on a daily basis. How depressed she was and how she just wanted it to end. Well after things calmed down, we were correct. My stepfather assisted my mother in killing herself. It turned out that in February, she ordered a book called "The Final Exit". A book about painless suicide. She told Bob not tell us. Well FUCK THAT. He shouldve told HER children her plans. All the drama had subsided and I had voiced days later that I wanted to go through Mom's things to get some things to keep for my children. That caused a shitstorm of its own. It turned out that my sister and I went over there. Bob had my mom's belongings laid out in the sun room like a fucking garage sale. It was pretty disgusting to see. I took some of Mom's things but I was specifically looking for a multi carat diamond ring that my grandma had given my mom. Bob had "no idea" what I was talking about. That was a total crock of shit. It came time for me to leave the house and leave town. I looked at Bob and said "Im sorry but to me, you will always be the man that killed my mom". He said "I dont want to be that". Oh well, it is what it is. I left and that was the last time I was ever at Mom's house. The house I grew up in.

The weeks and months that followed were kind of a blur. Her will came out and was probated, etc. It was then that we finally knew my mom's true feelings. She left Bob the house that was paid off, their joint checking and savings accounts and THAT WAS IT. She left all of her investments and her money to us 4 kids. She left her life insurance and her pension to the grandkids. 

We got back home and we had to prepare to PCS to Fort Polk, La. Sean was able to defer his orders a couple of months because I had no idea what I would need to do as far as her estate or legal things associated with her passing. We were only 4 hours from Atlanta at this time at Fort Stewart, Ga. 

In July, we moved. Thats about the time when all of the will and legalities began. My stepfather started to come at us with "reasons" he needed money. Well, seeing that we never got along, how he made my mother miserable, it was a big NOPE! The 4 of us agreed to pay for the funeral. How he came up with a $20K amount is beyond me but as it was we paid him that amount. After that, contact was hardly ever. I knew that in a year, I would have to see him again when we went back for Mom's headstone dedication (Its Jewish tradition). 

When we went back in 2010, it was a wonderful gathering. The 10 grandkids all putting rocks around her marker. The family and close friends just being together and remembering her. It turns out that my stepdad picked out her marker. We were pissed for many reasons. It was plain, simple and never mentioned being  a "loving sister" as her and my aunt were best friends. The marker also had room for my stepfather's name. As it turned out, they purchased a plot together. When I would go to the cemetary, I covered his side because he didnt deserve to be buried next to Mom.

The Aftermath

As time went on, Mom was never far from my mind, my heart, my conversations, etc. In 2012, we got orders to move to Fort Hood, Texas. We went to Georgia in 2013. I havent been back since then. The kids have a few times. They have my ex's side of the family there. 

When I think about it, I have NEVER grieved losing my mother. I never broke down. There have been times when its almost happened but Ive stopped myself. I feel like if I do, I will never stop crying. Instead, I talk about her, I remember her every single day. Throughout the years, Ive come to a place of being completely lost. Since she died, Ive had NO ONE to to let me know if Im making the right decisions in life. NO ONE to show me the unconditional love and acceptance that only a mother can give. I had to learn to trust my own decisions and trust that she would be proud of them. Relationships dwindled within our family through the years. As a matter of fact, after my mother's dedication in 2010, I had not spoken to my stepdad at all. None of us really have, except David...and even that wasnt very often. 

Mom was the foundation of our family. We got together for her and because of her. After she died, there was no one to keep it together. I tried and tried but in the end, it didnt work. You could call it "family drama" but to me, it just is what it is. I no longer talk to my brother, David. Mark is just doing his own thing and currently, my sister and I arent speaking except for text arguments here and there. Some of the reasons for this are in my previous blogs. The one thought that runs through my mind DAILY is "If Mom were here, NONE of this would be happening". There is no one to mediate. There is no one to call out the others. There is no "reason" to make things better. I honestly think I have struggled with this the most. My siblings have a very selfish way about them and if it doesnt affect them or their lives, its easy to just blow off and forget. I take on everyone's feelings and emotions. I made the decision to cut off the people in my life that cant accept me or appreciate me for who I am. I wont be taken for granted or treated like crap anymore. I wont tolerate certain behaviors from people. I became selfish in the sense that MY family and my sanity had to come first.

9 yrs later. Today. I sit here in my home in Texas. Preparing for my youngest to graduate high school. Just one more event that Mom will be missing. Thankfully Brandy will be wearing Mom's pearls at Graduation just as Bailey did at hers in 2015. I have no desire to ever go back to Georgia. The ONLY reason I want to go is to visit Mom. My siblings and my aunt dont ever go, which angers me to no end. I would give anything to be able to go sit with her whenever I wanted to. Our family is no longer. There is so much anger and resentment from everyone towards everyone, its unfixable. Too many hurtful things have been said and done. Im struggling with accepting all of this. But I will, in time. On New Years Eve, I got a text...not even a phone call...from my sister. She heard from our brother, through text, that Bob (our stepdad) had died. No other details. Not even a date of when he passed. So I did some digging, called my aunt and got the details. Apparently, he had cancer that was removed. It came back aggressively and he passed away at home on Dec 27, 2017. He had his adult children there. I never stayed in contact with them either. I was feeling some kind of way when I heard this. I hated this man. I wished bad things on him for the way he treated us and the way he treated Mom and finally, for assisting Mom is her suicide. I wasnt sad but I wasnt happy. I was even annoyed that he was being buried next to Mom. I found his obit and it was obviously written by his daughter...barely mentioned Mom and only mentioned our first names. Its whatever and I dont even care about it. I did the cordial thing and even sent flowers and a sympathy card to his kids and grandkids when I found out. I can say that with him gone, most of the anger Ive had towards him is gone. I cant hate him anymore. Honestly, I just picture my mom berating the hell out of him in the afterlife and it is deserved. I know she will deal with him now.

It took me so long to come to terms and accept why Mom chose to end her own life. It was so selfish. How could she leave us like that?! I get it now. I understand how with her unexplained illness and pain, she could never live her life dependent on anyone because that just wasnt her. The time that she did this, all of her children were in a stable place in their lives. That explains the serenity I felt from her the last time I saw before she passed. She prepared for this and prepared for her kids and grandkids to be taken care of. She had actually changed her will a few months prior. She had it all under control and handled, for lack of better terms. I resented Bob all this time because he shouldve and couldve done more to make her life easier. He couldve helped more than he did. Every single day I wish Mom was here. Life for all of us would be so different than it is today. I have her cookbook collection and as many times as Ive tried, I cant bring myself to look through them. I have a box full of her things and I go through it once a year however, when I start to lose it, I close it up and compose myself. I have a few of her clothing items that just hang in the closet. I have my memories. Im so scared that one day, those will fade.

 My mother wanted me. She chose me. She handpicked me out of the other kids in that orphanage. She spent her life trying to make me feel wanted, even if others never did. For that, I am grateful. She was the best hands on grandmother ever! Her grandkids were literally her main JOY. When I had Brittany, her first grandchild, I never imagined that she could and would be such an amazing grandmother. Im so glad she had the years that she did with them. 

There are just so many questions that I need answers to. I need reassurance from the only person that I believed in without a doubt. I need guidance. I need to know if Im living the right way. Raising my kids the right way. Making her proud. A huge part of me feels like I am but there will always be that piece that is left wondering. I know she is at peace and pain free. Sometimes I struggle with if she is truly watching over us. I want to believe this so I do. I want to believe that when I think of her and talk to her, she knows and she hears me. It feels like every day, I wait for some sign from her that everything will be ok. Sometimes little things happen and sometimes nothing happens. I just have to have faith that Im doing the best I can. I have to believe that she IS proud of me. Life must go on and although every day is a struggle without her, I have to keep living and moving forward.  All of the things and events that she's missed, the kids growing up..it breaks my heart to think about it. That is where I am today. Lots of heartbreak of everything that has transpired since she passed. Ive begun to grieve her, little bits at a time but I always stop myself. I dont feel like I can handle all of the emotion that comes along with it. I pride myself with the strength I have. Not many people see me break down. I dont allow myself to break down. Something deep inside stops me from doing it. Im scared to do it. Im scared to go through the emotions it will bring out. Im scared of the aftermath of it all. I shed a few tears, cry it out for a few and let it go. I pray that one day, I am able to fully deal with this the right way. For now, I will keep remembering her. I will live each day the way I need to. Whatever happens between my siblings and I will just happen. I know Ive done all I could without losing myself completely. This is life today for me. Lots of questions and lots of confusion. Thankfully, I have distractions to keep me from totally going insane. 

What will happen from this point on? I have NO CLUE! The future scares me. Feeling alone scares me. Knowing I dont have that ONE person in my life anymore scares me. Im almost 50 yrs old and all I can do is live life each day and whatever happens, happens. My family turmoil may never be fixed. Like Ive learned to accept and somewhat deal with Mom's death, I will learn to accept and adapt to this.

Let me add that this life altering situation has made me view suicide from a totally different viewpoint. Since this happened, Ive had friends that have commited suicide, attempted suicide and had thought of suicide. This is NOT the answer. I feel sad when anyone feels like this is their only option. HOWEVER, for my mother, I understood. I really had no choice but to put myself in her situation. For me to be able to move on, I had to accept this. Its a touchy subject for me. Its a sensitive subject for me. If anyone ever feels like this is the only way out of your situation or problems, get in touch with me. I can guarantee I can help you find other ways to cope. Suicide is nothing to take lightly. Sadly, I had to find out the hard way. 

Stay True To YOU

I remember when I was younger, even into my early adulthood, I wanted to be liked and accepted. Doesnt everyone? I never had a specific group of people I hung out with exclusively. I was just all over the place. Friends with anyone. Hoping that someone would find a trait in me that they liked so I could be one of those "lifelong" friends. The BEST FRIEND. Well, what I probably ended up giving people was someone who was rebellious, loved to party, and just went along with whatever. I wasnt a follower but I wasnt a leader either. I just went with the flow.

Fast forward to my early 30s. After a lifetime of complete chaos and negativity, I started the journey to find my TRUE SELF. When I divorced my first husband, somehow that gave me the strength I needed to TRULY find out who I was. I was able to leave an abusive situation of 13 yrs, not knowing what my future would be like. As scary as it was, it was the best decision of my life. I am who I am today because of the lessons Ive learned and the soul searching I did.

This is how Im described today, by people that know me, people that make the effort to get to know the real me. 

I am brutally honest. If I take the time to risk hurting your feelings just so you can better yourself, that shows how much you mean to me. I will risk losing you so you can be better. So you can be happy. Thankfully, most know this and they appreciate this. You cant sugarcoat shit and you surely cant sit by and watch someone you care about constantly self destruct. If you dont do what you can, what kind of friend are you? My love for my people runs deep. If I invest in you, you are worth it. I refuse to tell people what they want to hear. I dont have that in me. 

I speak my mind and I wont apologize for it. I will not walk on eggshells around anyone. I wont not say something just to spare feelings. If I see something fucked up, I will make it known. Why would anyone hide their feelings like that? I discovered by doing that, it just eats you up. It can actually add stress to your life, which no one needs. If you dont speak up, you wont achieve or get what you want. People cant read your mind be vocal about what you want or need.

If you arent contributing to my life in a positive way, I dont need you. Its that simple. Ive been through the fake and barely there friendships. I was talking to an old friend last night...I told her "If you have to wonder where you stand in someone's life, if you have to wonder what you mean to them, BYE" No one should have to wonder if they are cared about. Negativity has no place in my life. I cant handle people that are emotionally and mentally draining anymore. The ones that suck you dry! Im an empath and I tend to take on other's problems and issues. Well, I realized that the only people I will completely invest myself in are my husband, my kids and my tribe. That is who my world revolves around. Dont get me wrong, I am there for anyone, to listen, to help in any way I can. However, if I feel like Im talking to a brick wall and actions are repetitive, I will just slowly step back. Im not about to watch a train wreck continuously crash when you were given ideas and tools to make it a smooth ride.

I love hard. I will do anything in my power to fix whatever is wrong. I do it because I cant stand seeing people suffer. At the same time, if you arent helping yourself, Im done.

When I turned 40, a lot of my thoughts changed. How I view people and how I view life. Ive spent the last 6 years realizing what and who I need in my life so that I will thrive. I can honestly say Ive found it. Be kind, be honest, be loyal and be real. Yes, I require those traits in people I choose to be in my life. Encouragement breeds encouragement. Kindness breeds kindness....and so on.

I dont need a million friends. I dont need to fit in because I stand out in those people who love me for who I am. I dont need to filter how I live. I am worth being loved and liked without having to conform to what people want me to be. I am accepted because I am a good person. I have a huge heart because it makes me feel good to reach out and be there for others. Im a giver because it hurts me to see people struggle. I am loyal because I expect loyalty back. 

In today's world, with social media, its easy to find yourself comparing your life to others. Its almost inevitable. What I found out is that its also really easy to see who is fake as fuck and who isnt. Boasting and sharing are completely different. The perfect lives you see arent all that perfect. The ones who try to keep up with the Joneses are struggling. As much or as hard as it is not to compare your life to others, its IMPERATIVE that you be content with YOUR OWN life. Now, I sit back, scroll through FB, I smile and my heart is filled with joy when I see friends living their best life. I share in the successes. I hurt for their losses. The "perfect" ones...I laugh and just scroll on. I dont think people realize how transparent they really are. I share my joys, I share my lows, I am honest. I dont have the perfect family. I dont have the nicest of things. I also dont share every single detail of every event to where my life looks like a shit show from the outside looking in either lol You know we all have those FB friends who use it as a diary...PLEASE STOP LOL What I do have is MY LIFE. What I do have is plenty of love. If there are people who feel the need to try to impress people...thats pretty sad. 

When my kids get overwhelmed with life....I simply remind them that they have a roof over their heads. Food to eat and their bills are paid. I preach to them about not wasting all the energy of freaking out when in reality, life is good. Im all about solutions. Cry your cry, but dont sit in it. Spend that time figuring out how to fix it. I consider myself a strong person and that is how Ive raised my daughters. 

I guess my point is, you are in control over how you want to live. I choose to live by my rules, my standards and by what makes me feel good. Life is too short to dwell on negativity and allow it to take over your life. You cant MAKE someone do something or FORCE someone to feel a certain way. You CAN decide how you are going to react though. Youre not hurting anyone by looking out for yourself. You have to come first. Being true to you is all that matters. Being your authentic self is a great way to be. People will see this, respect this and maybe even take notes. People may see this and think "Whatever, shes just a mean bitch" LOL  Its nice to not give a damn what people think of me. My people love me. Plain and simple. Its all I need. I wont change for anyone. I can decide to do things differently but in the end, its all about making me happy and my life better. Is this selfish? NOPE! You cant be a better person for anyone until you can be ok with the person you already are.

Again I will say, if you arent real and true, I dont want you in my life. I need genuine people, good hearted people. Uplifting, encouraging, trustworthy and loyal people. I could not be more grateful that I have EXACTLY that because I refuse to settle for anything less!