Social Media vs Reality

I think a lot of people are confused when it comes to thinking they know me. You only know what I want you to know. You only know what I choose to post. So here is the breakdown to clear up any misconceptions or assumptions....

Social Media

• I am strong
• Im obsessed with my kids
• My kids are smartasses
• My marriage is gold
• I can handle anything put in front of me
• My circle is tiny
• Im caring, empathetic, sympathetic and compassionate
• Im an introvert
• Im obsessed with the Patriots
• Football season is my favorite time of year
• I hate cold
• I love Summer
• Aging gives me anxiety
• I miss my mother
• My ex is a piece of shit
• I dont leave my house
• My dogs run this house
• I love baking and cooking

Reality

• Im on the brink of losing my shit on a daily basis
• Some days, I just dont want to wake up
• My marriage is almost nonexistent due to the distance
• I literally have a Facetime marriage
• Disconnection on both ends happens on a weekly basis
• My kids are strong willed, like me, so there is arguing A LOT
• I only trust a handful of females in my life
• My family in Georgia is the epitome of dysfunctional
• I dont talk to either of my brothers
• My dad is on my FB but I dont speak to him either
• Im struggling every day with the kids being grown 
• I feel like a failure as a mother every day
• I havent accepted my mother's suicide (it will be 10 yrs next month)
• My kids arent perfect
• My house is never immaculate
• I avoid outside interaction with everyone
• Financial struggles are the root of my problems currently
• I cuss my children out when they push me to a certain point
• I feel like its too late to do anything with my life
• Im unmotivated
• I miss my REAL best friends so bad it physically hurts
• I am SO tired of not having my husband here

Well, you get the gist. I will post a subliminal meme or quote at times but that doesnt mean I will just get over it and be ok. Truth be told, Im not ok. I dont know what will make me ok or when I will be ok. I can tell you that sometimes, it slips my mind that Im even married because I am literally living an entire life alone. There are times I wish all of my kids were stable in their lives, moved out and being taken care of or taking care of themselves. I fail because I dont know how to be a mother to adults. At their ages, they know it all. My advice or suggestions fall on deaf ears most of the time. The only thing they notice now is that I cant rescue them when they get in a jam financially anymore. We live in a huge house. Its full now. But what is it all for? So I can wake up every day, look at it all and be grateful? Of course I am. Im grateful for everything we have but Im also devastated at the things we dont have or cant provide. In the end, its my fault for poor management of my household. Sean works, I cant ask anything else from him. Do I think he wants to be home? Honestly, no. I dont. Hes in such a zone, hes content where he is...where he wanted to be, with who wants to be with. His Soldier mentality never left him so I guess Im realizing it never will and he needs what he has now to be happy in his life. Ive become an obligation and it bothers the hell out of me but it is what it is. I play it off  as we've been together over 14 yrs, this is just life...but this isnt a way to live.

Do I post all of my woes and bullshit on social media? Hell no! Main reason being that there is no way in hell that out of my 650+ "friends" on FB and my 600+ followers on IG...a fraction of them actually give a shit about my life or how Im doing. The other reason, its no one's business and no one wants to see negative, dark shit across their feeds daily. Only FOUR people know what's going on daily with me. Sometimes, I dont even stay accountable with them. 

Im choosing to open up here because why not? Im not fake, Im not one to say life is perfect when its anything but. Im not one to see a positive quote and apply it to myself. Im not the person who is gonna look on the bright side of things. 

This is just me right now. I am who I am. Hopefully one day, I will find a way to true happiness and fulfillment. I miss the days when life was good. When all the kids were really ok. When struggling wasnt such a issue. 

To my people, Ive been a shitty friend and I am very sorry. I know each of you are going through things. Just know I am thinking of you, praying for you and although, you all know Im here for you...I havent been and I suck. 

To everyone else who reads this...welcome to my TRUE reality. Now you dont have to assume my life is perfect, my kids are spoiled brats and I have everything in the world because that could not be further from the truth. 

I dont want or need sympathy or pity. This is just me being real and raw. Its honestly the only way I know how to be, whether its good or bad. I'm sure I'll get out of this mindset at some point and I am aware that I am the only one who can change me. Just bear with me...or dont. I'm not perfect, Im not Suzy Sunshine and  I never will be. 

Strength Comes In Numbers

Wow! Its 2 days before Thanksgiving...what an insane couple of months Ive had!

Ive been thinking a lot lately...about life, my family, my friends...trying to figure out how I got to the point Im at. How I keep surviving each day. Just to give an idea of whats happened in my life the last couple of months...

*My ex mother in law passed away in September, my girls' Nana who Ive always stayed close to..
 This was a HARD loss for everyone. Its always tough when a matriarch passes away. My girls first loss as adults. We made the trip to Atlanta for her funeral. Talk about a range of emotions. We were n the area that I lived in with my ex, surrounded by memories and places and people from my abusive past with my ex husband. I had to hold it down and be strong for my kids. I was there to support them and help them deal with one of the biggest losses of their lives. Emotions ran high for everyone that week. It was good to see people I havent seen in decades. I also got to visit my mother's grave, saw my aunt and the rest of my family minus my brothers. I was able to see ALL of my nieces and nephews which was awesome! My sister and I buried our issues and reconciled and I am most grateful for that.

*Sean came home unexpectedly. The consulate in Iraq shut down per the state department and basically, he was/is out of work. While I was happy he was coming home, I was also scared. We work great as a team and even if I didnt know how we would make it, I knew we would somehow. Currently, he is set to go to Afghanistan on a new contract so its just a waiting game at this point. In the meantime, Im loving having him home and Im so grateful he is home for Thanksgiving.

*My youngest daughter and I had a MAJOR fallout. Without going into detail...she was gone and I didnt talk to her and I didnt for sure know where she was for 2 days. It was the most devastating, heartbreaking 2 days EVER. During that time, I felt like a failure as a mother. Struggling to stick to my guns about demanding respect but at the same time, wanting to cave and give in to her just to have her home. I wanted to give up completely. She is JUST LIKE ME. We clash but its never been this bad. I wanted to die. I wanted to not exist. I felt I was to blame for everything negative in my children's lives. Sean was home but he stayed out of it for the most part because he knew that her and I had to get through this. Her sisters were there for her and for me but in the end, her and I had to deal with it. After some hard realizations on both of our parts, after a long talk and after some wonderful advice from my tribe of angels (my besties), we got through it. We have an understanding and through it all, she was receptive to what I need from her as I was to her.

* Sean and I took a quick surprise trip to Oklahoma to surprise my Bestie for her birthday. What a FABULOUS weekend! They are moving so I was so glad to see her and her family!

All thats happened had me thinking a lot about who and what I get my strength from. How do I literally deal with the day to day bullshit of LIFE?! My people. Thats how. I am fortunate enough to have a handful of people in my life who are there 100% for me. Even when I dont want to reach out, they know and they have my back consistently. I need people to call me on my bullshit, uplift me, encourage me and give me support when I have no faith in myself. There are days when I dont want to wake up. I dont want to talk to anyone. When all of a sudden, I get a text from one of  my people asking how I am or what's up or if I'm ok. I get reminded of all the trials and tribulations Ive been through in my life and how I am still standing tall today. I get reminded that I have strength to deal with anything that comes along. I am reminded to have faith. I am told how special I truly am. How I impact other lives and the positivity I bring to their lives. Advice that is given is priceless. Before you know it, I am feeling competent again and I KNOW I can handle whatever comes along.

My daughters are also a HUGE part of where I get my strength and will to keep going. They are grown. I felt as though I wasnt needed anymore. They have their lives and my job raising them is done. HELL NO ITS NOT!  I specifically remember days when I literally felt useless and I was just done. Ive even told them on occasion that Im done. Truth be told, I will never be done. The thought of hanging on JUST because I have 3 children who I created, needed me to, has gotten me through some dark days. They might be raised but I know that I will ALWAYS have to be that pillar of strength for them. Being a mother to adults has challenges. Thankfully Ive seen that they still need me, just in a different capacity. I am enough. I am #1 with them and that alone gets me through the toughest of times.

Sean is my rock. His communication skills may suck at times, but without a doubt, he is there for me to the best of his ability. I no longer have expectations of him. I accept him for who he is completely. I make more of an effort to understand things from his side. Finally realizing we work better as a team has definitely been an epiphany for me.  From this angle, I know I am loved, I know I am taken care of and I know someone has my best interest in mind 100!

Faith and spirituality has been a huge factor for me lately. The unknown is scary. But its inevitable. I have learned that I need to truly have faith that things are going to be ok. I may not know how but failing is not an option so together, we will find a way to make every and any thing work. Ive done a lot of soul searching alone and with my close friends. I am open to a lot more about myself. It feels like Im learning something new every day. For the first time in a long while, I finally feel like I am cared about and loved by others. I feel it in my heart and soul that I am worthy of being loved. I dont have to take on everything by myself and there is nothing wrong with leaning on others when I feel lost. Definitely a hard pill for this strong willed, I can handle everything on my own, woman to swallow.

Through my family, through my best friends...life is not so dreary and bleak anymore for me. I see a light. It may be foggy at times but its there. I no longer feel like I am alone for the first time in forever. I DO have friends that truly care about my well being. I have a husband who loves me to no end and I have 3 amazing daughters who see me as their world. I dont have to take on every thing that comes up by myself and I dont have to have all of the answers. I have faith, hope and trust and that has become enough for me. I dont HAVE to have all the answers. I need positivity and good vibes in order for my mind and soul to be complete and I have that, finally.

My oldest daughter is moving back home this week. Finally done with her ex boyfriend of 7 yrs and she is ready to start a new life. I could not be more thrilled for her! She is strong like her mom and her future looks so bright. She hasnt lived with me since she was 17, she is now 24. It will be challenging at times but we will make it through it, like always.

So life keeps coming, throwing curve balls all the time...I feel like Ive found ways to cope and handle things in a manner that is healthy and prosperous for me and for everyone involved.

Find yourself a handful of people that bring light to your life. Find faith and hope that things happen how they are supposed to and everything happens for a reason. Dig deep inside to find your inner strength that you never knew existed. If that is hard for you, lean on your people. Let them uplift you until you can keep yourself up.

I dont know how I would survive without my people. It just wouldnt be possible and I could not be more grateful. I wont have negativity in my life anymore. I wont be emotionally or mentally drained by anyone because I have others depending on me to be strong. Peace, love and light sounds so cliche but its so spot on. Its how I must live my life today. Sean, my daughters, my family, Clara, Mel, Laurie, Carmen, Nancy (who doesnt even have social media anymore lol) and the others, you know who you are....you are my strength, you are my reason, you are my heart. Thank you for being who you are and thank you for loving me unconditionally and being there for me even when I didnt want anyone. FOREVER THANKFUL!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!! Hope 2019 brings you all you want and more!

I'm A Walking Double Standard Hypocrite

Yup, that's me and for the FIRST time, I can own that shit!

Like most people, I can give advice...GREAT advice...but in my own world, I dont apply it. I dont even have an answer as to why that is. Maybe its because everyone else's problems matter more than mine in my eyes. It could be because I dont "off" my shit on other people. I dont like burdening others with my problems, feelings, issues, etc. No one cares about what Im going through. No one gives a shit about my daily struggles. No one cares about my emotional or mental well being. What matters to me is that everyone I am surrounded by or stay in touch with is doing ok. That they are happy, content and living life to their fullest potential. People come to ME, no way in hell do I reach out. Yet, I preach that problems cant be solved alone. I preach for my friends to reach out for help. I tell my friends "we will get through this together" or "I will carry you until youre strong enough to carry yourself" or "Im there for you at any time or place"..."You are not alone"...

So why in the hell does this not apply to myself?! Why cant I let people in to help me? Because I dont feel like Im worth the trouble. I can handle my shit on my own and I dont need anyone's help or guidance. I dont feel like my problems or anything Im going through is important. Everyone else comes before me. I think I learned this from my mother. Being selfless, caring and nurturing. While those are wonderful traits to have, Ive realized that it can also bite me in the ass...HARD! Whether its putting myself in a position to get taken advantage of, whether its allowing people to suck the life out of me, making it so I feel like I just dont matter to anyone. The worst thing about this is, Im totally fine with that. Like how fucked up is that???

So yesterday was a SHITTY DAY! Like it was absolutely terrible. I gave no fucks. I just didnt care. I was more than willing to go through whatever it was alone. I was not willing to put anymore effort into making things better. I dont like to say I gave up but that is exactly what I did. I was DONE! It would pass and Id be fine eventually. In reality, Id been feeling negative for a while now. How did I deal? I snapped at my kids. I snapped at my husband. I turned dumb shit into huge issues and let that fester into resentment. I used all the minor bullshit to allow me to unleash all my anger towards life onto him. I also engulfed myself in other things. Other people. Distractions. I can say now that as devastating as it is, I let the natural disasters around the world affect me in a way that it redirected my sadness about my own life to others. I cried for days about Hurricane Harvey and the devastation. Of course, it was horrible. Of course it was worrisome. But in hindsight, to let it affect me as bad a it did...ummm no. In a way, I subconsciously used that as an outlet.

I posted a blog yesterday of quotes which pretty much explained how I was feeling. The lazy way of expressing myself. Well, a very close friend, I can definitely say she is a best friend of mine, called me. Literally at the height of my IDGAF state of mind. I was so irate, I was currently arguing with my husband over text messages and there she was, her FT call came through. Talk about unleashing the gates of hell. I fucking raged! I was so fucking angry at my husband. I vented to her, I let a lot of it out. I didnt ask for her to hear me out, it just happened. Looking at her as I did this, I could see that she was in shock. She has seen me pissed off but never irate like this and I could see she literally didnt know what to say or do. Im the one who has it together. Im the one who comes up with solutions. She is the emotional one. She is the one that I build up when shes upset. We've been friends since about since 2007-2008. She has seen me go through some shit..in my life, in my relationship, you name it. Shes always been supportive. We have definitely been through a lot together. After we hung up yesterday, I was still off. Very off. That evening, her boyfriend texted me. As it turns out, her boyfriend is a battle buddy of Sean's and one of his few best friends. N and J have been together for over 2 years and yes, I take credit for them meeting, TOTALLY lol J and I have obviously been friends for a very long time. He and Sean are brothers but he and I have also formed a friendship of our own through the years. Its even been said that he and I talk more than him and Sean. To us, totally normal. Im a chick so Im here to talk real shit with him. Sean and J are dudes so when they talk, its about dude stuff, stupid shit, Army days....regular guy stuff but to them, that is what makes them KNOW how close they were. Besides youre not going to see dudes talk to each other about feeling, relationships, etc. J and Sean are guy's guys. Demented, twisted, smartass, straight up brothers. 

Back to his text....

"Alright Hooker, N tells me yall are back to square one. Spill the beans"

Of course I didnt mind that N told J about Sean and I. I expected it. They both love us and they want us ok. Ive talked to them both through the years when Sean and I have had problems before. I even flew J out to visit a couple years ago to snap some reality into Sean. That didnt happen but nonetheless, the visit was great, much needed and the surprise made it totally worth it. It had been 10 yrs since they saw each other. I have been there for J and N through problems in their relationship. Its good when a person knows both people well enough that they can be neutral and 100% honest about shit. Thats how we are with each other. No bullshit, no sugarcoating, no pussy footing...its more like "Mother Fucker, tell me whats up and then Ill tell you where YOU went wrong" or somewhere along those lines. Its honesty at its purest. That kind of friendship is very special. Its from a place of pure love, as rude as we get with each other, its true lol

N "recruited" J into this because with my dominant personality, she felt like he could talk to me and get down to the real issues I was having. I can honestly say that NO ONE has EVER talked to me the way J does. Even my husband says that. My kids get a kick out of hearing him me call me out on my shit because no one does. I dont allow it and I dont take it well so I project all that shit elsewhere. I cant do that with J. He is literally is in my face, here is what youre doing and gives me a male's point of view on what he thinks of the situation. Whats even better is that he knows Sean as well, in some ways better, than me. J doesnt give a damn if I get pissed at him because me hearing the truth and getting mad is better than me being in denial about what I THINK is the problem. He knows I love him and if I get pissed, Ill get over it. I love our dynamic though. He wont hesitate in calling me a dumbass mother fucker because I refuse to see Sean's side of anything. Because Im so self righteous and because Im hypocritical...TO THE MAX.

Well I proceeded to ATTEMPT to unleash to J everything I unleashed to N earlier. Well that didnt go over the same AT ALL! It turned into what is the REAL issue and why am I so pissed at little shit to the extreme it got to. Every little issue I THOUGHT I had, J had a rebuttal in that my expectations of Sean were unreal...as in not realistic at all. I was contradictory, I was hypocritical and talk about double standard...absofuckinglutely. NEVER has my relationship and the fact that Im a bratty bitch been thrown back at me...EVER! It was a rude awakening but one that I needed badly. So after alot of talking, me ALMOST crying, it all came out. What the deep seeded issue was. Why Ive been so angry and so SAD. See, I wasnt angry...annoyed but I wasnt angry at Sean at all. Bottom line, I was SAD. VERY SAD. Sadness is an emotion that I dont allow myself to feel at all. Its much easier for me to get pissed and project on to others, mostly my husband who doesnt deserve it. My sadness is because simply...

I WANT MY HUSBAND HOME.

Hearing those words, saying those words felt like a flood rushing over me. I am tired of being alone. I am struggling to find my place in this world. I am struggling with taking care of me. Brooke doesnt matter. Brooke can handle anything that comes her way. Shes fucking SUPERWOMAN and being vulnerable is NOT in her nature. Being vulnerable to the ONE person she should be with is definitely not in her nature. She is has to be strong and have her shit together and NO ONE can see her be "weak" whatsoever. She doesnt need anyone to help her with anything. SHE CAN DO IT ALL ALONE because shes a badass and can deal. Sean doesnt need to know what she is dealing with on the real because he cant handle it. He doesnt need to take on her issues because he doesnt need stress added to his life over there.

Well, Brooke is a hard headed, delusional, self righteous DUMBASS.

As J and N are pointing all of this out to me, Im realizing all of what they are saying is true. I dont WANT to have this disconnection with my husband. I want to be able to trust him enough to take care of me emotionally. But god damm, letting these walls down...IDK man! Letting him see me cry, allowing him to be there for me, accepting the love I know he has for me...sooooo difficult for me. Ive always been the strong one, the dominant one, the one with all the answers. He's been the emotionless, blank, hard working, passive one that doesnt say half of what is on his mind for fear that I will chop his fucking head off (another realization I had during this "intervention"). Sean even compared me to a praying mantis, you know, the one that bites the head off her mate. Yea, totally true and totally me.

I wasnt sure if Sean would call me at our normal time because the last texts we had were not nice at all and he knew I was in a rage. Part of me thought he would but part of me didnt just for the fact he knows Im a bitch when Im in this place. He called. I declined to let J and N know he was calling..a second later Sean texts me "Come on"...I hang up with J and N and I call him back. 

"We have to figure this shit out"...30 mins later, I was a blubbering fool. I couldnt breathe out of my nose because it was so stuffy from crying. Granted, I tilted my phone to the ceiling at times, it was hard for me to look directly at him during this but the flood gates opened...well, more likely EXPLODED. Surprisingly, I allowed myself to see how he felt, too. The things he doesnt tell me came out. The feelings he is usually passive about were seen and felt. So I WASNT alone! OMG! The every day life he misses out on is hard for him. Being tired of being alone, he gets it. Me being the one who takes care of everything, he acknowledges it. He even offered to help pay half the bills online for me if I gave him the login and passwords lol His way of trying to take some of life's bullshit off my shoulders. I finally opened my eyes to his thoughts and feelings and the way he was dealing with our situation. I allowed myself to break down and be vulnerable, trusting him to nurture my true feelings. Putting this on him like I am supposed to. Allowing my HUSBAND to be there for me. Well, this was a totally new concept to me. In reality, if I cant open up to my husband and allow him to share OUR life together, what the fuck?! Right?! So during this deep conversation, of course I talked to him and explained in depth why I need him to do certain things, the real reason why certain things bother me. He heard me out, he understood where I was coming from and he agreed to try harder. Thats all I can ask for. Its not gonna happen overnight so I cant expect it to. 

From this "new experience", the one thing that J threw at me, the thing that sticks out and is on repeat in my head...MY EXPECTATIONS OF SEAN ARE UNREALISTIC. The responses I WANT him to have to me are unrealistic, for him. I cant expect him to act a certain way, react a certain way or do a specific thing JUST because its what I want from him. Especially if Im not making an effort to think of his feelings or how he is dealing with things. 

All of the times hes taken me for granted, Ive done the same obviously so how can I get so mad if Im doing the exact same thing? Because no one has called me out on it until now because the double standard thing is how Ive always been. How can I give such good advice to everyone else when I dont apply it to my own life? Because Im a hypocrite. Plain and simple. I need to get my shit togther and be willing to be completely open with the important people in my life before I can advise others to do that. I need to have faith in MY relationship and MY husband before I can tell others to do the same. I have to trust my husband to take care of me in the ways I obviously need before I can tell anyone else to let their walls down with their partner. 

Im not perfect. Apparently I DONT have my shit together like I like to think I do. I am a strong person but I am not bulletproof so my Superwoman cape is going in the closet for a while. At least until I can find a balance. Being vulnerable doesnt have to be scary, not when the people that matter most in your life love and care for you. 

Through all of his self awareness, trust me when I say that I STILL know what Im talking about when my friends come to me. I STILL have the answers that will work. I just need to apply them to my life. So I will use this post as a letter to myself that I can look back at to remind myself of the way I NEED to be.

Lesson learned. All I can do is work on it from this point on. My walls are high and thick. One brick, one level at a time.

Im adding this screenshot because it means the world to me and to Sean. He sent this to me as I was talking to Sean. If he gets pissed, oh well...he will deny it because hes a hard-ass so yea, I have proof what a softie he is...he is the REAL DEAL!