FAMILY vs RELATIVES

Im feeling some kind of way and its taking all I have to keep my emotions in check and not totally lash out or have a breakdown...so what better outlet than writing?! If any family members are offended by this, that is on you. Ive ignored a lot of the bullshit to this point. So now I am prepared to get this out and BE DONE.

My "FAMILY" is huge. My grandfather had 10 brothers and sisters so you can imagine the lineage just from them alone. This is my mother's side. My dad's side is much smaller. Obviously, you know I was adopted, so were my siblings. I have NO blood relatives that I know of except my children. Family was everything to me for such a long time. Especially as I got older and started having my own children. Well, here I sit at 46 yrs old and I can say with confidence...Blood, DNA, Adoption...DONT make people family. Since my mom died in 2009, my "family" has become almost non existent and dysfunctional. Parts were non existent before but now, its all clear as day and I decided not to accept this...in my life.

Family are the people you CHOOSE. Family are the ones who genuinely care and put forth the effort to show that they care. They have concern for your well being. Family is non judgmental. Family is full of unconditional love and undying support...NO MATTER what their own opinions are. Family checks in with each other. They communicate to touch base. A sign that they actually give a shit. When you hurt, they hurt. You get the gist of what Im saying. Well, Ive come to realize that I have family, but we are connected at the heart. There is no blood or legalities binding us together. The "family" I have through my adoption are just RELATIVES. Boy, do I have a SHIT TON of those! 

What triggered this? My dear ol "Dad". I was a Daddy's girl until I was 8. Or so I thought. My parents divorced when I was 9. One year after he brought our family from Delaware to Georgia so he could follow his chiropractic dream (and also apparently cheat on my mom) After the divorce, he went from being a weekend dad to being nothing. As an adult and after time and time again...telling him how I feel, being angry, giving chances and begging him to be a dad...I GIVE UP! The last time I saw him was at mom's funeral. He said he "had to be there for us kids". Yea Dad, you were late to the service and left the second they lowered her in the ground. Thanks for coming. Still, in my mind, I had one parent left. I remember telling him that I needed him to step up and be there after Mom died for me. I wasnt close to my stepdad, ever. But yea, that didnt happen. I got a few phone calls through the years to be told he had different health issues. I got a call to inform me that he was divorcing his 4th wife of 26 years. EVERY time I talked to him, I told him what I needed from him. He says he would do better. That is determined to be a LIE. Mind you, every year he goes to Atlanta for a seminar at Life College. He calls my "brother" and stays with him. Does he contact him before or after he is there? Nope. 

So last year, my dad popped up as a suggestion on Facebook. Awesome, right? Not so much. He ghosts on there..to the point I forget he's even on there. Until last night. I checked in to the airport when Sean left on Sunday. Late Tuesday night I see that my dad had commented my post. I'll post screen shots because I deleted his comment and the back and forth. I decided that his bullshit would not poison that post. It was about my husband, NOT HIM. Mind you, I havent spoken to him in YEARS. I dont know him anymore and apparently, he is continuing his weird, eccentric, ridiculous way of life. I want nothing to do with it.

So as you can see, Im obviously angry. You can also see, any feelings I stated or any sign of frustration was discounted. That did it for me. He has never been there for me and he's made it quite obvious he never will be. He's off in his own la la land and he can have it. I want nothing to do with it. If he keeps up with me through what I post on FB, so be it. Let him see everything he is missing out on. He has met my children TWICE in over 23 years. That speaks volumes. He doesnt know names, birthdays or who's who. My oldest brother doesnt have a relationship with him..nor any of us really. My asshole brother who is dead to me is just like dad so of course, they communicate somewhat. My sister has nothing to do with him and washed her hands of him a long long time ago, rightfully so.

Well last night, I couldnt fall asleep. My mind was racing trying to sort out all of this fuckery in my head. Realizations came to light. I HAVE NO PARENTS. Mom is gone, Dad is non existent. I found out my stepdad died, 5 days after it happened. We were never close to begin with. That got me thinking of the rest of my "family". They are pretty non existent, as well. How do you go from being so close to a sibling to not speaking for months and months? It is what it is. 

My definition of family has changed drastically. Just because I am related doesnt mean shit. Phone calls by me go unanswered. If I dont matter to someone, if Im not considered.......why the hell should I continue to make an effort? I SHOULDNT and I WONT anymore. This will probably upset some people. If so, Im sorry but I have to come first. Ive done everything I can to put forth an effort to keep relationships in tact, keep them going...with no reciprocation. Im done. This goes for siblings, nieces, nephews, relatives by marriage, cousins, aunts, uncles, distant relatives, in laws, etc. If anyone wants to know how I am, they have my contact info but Im sure I wont hear a word. Only because I havent up to this point. Yes, people keep up with my life from the things I post on Facebook. They can see how the kids are, how I am, etc. But if you prefer a relationship on social media rather than a genuine relationship...that is exactly how I will see you. 

My FAMILY are my friends who I am blessed with to have in my life. These people check on me, they contact me regularly to make sure my life is good and make sure I am ok. Not on Facebook,  not on any social media. Through actual phone conversations, Facetimes and texts. REAL LIFE interaction. Through these people, I know I am cared about. I feel it in my heart. I know that my feelings matter. I dont feel alone. I am SO grateful that I have people like this in my life. When Sean left again, I was prepared to sulk and be sad. On my own. I wasnt allowed to do that. My people immediately started checking on me...for days...just to make sure I was ok. Did my "family" do that? Fuck no they didnt. NO ONE. Come to think of it, no one called or anything the entire 6 weeks Sean was home. Me posting pics shows how much we enjoyed having him home shouldnt be the way you assume everything is good...or bad if it is. If you give a fuck, you would call or at least text. My chosen family are the ones who genuinely shared in our joy of being reunited. They shared in our sadness of being separated again. They are the ones who see and feel the pain I felt when he left, as much as I posted about being ok and staying positive. They see the REAL me. I felt the support and love deep in my soul. These are the ones who I am happy to bring along on this journey called MY LIFE. If others choose not to take part, that is on them. Im not making the effort anymore.

I was abandoned when I was 3 days old. Ive spent 46 years learning that I was loved. My mother made it a point to make sure I KNEW I was loved and wanted. Today, Im not going to stress over that anymore. My daughters, my husband, those LUCKY enough to be in my REAL LIFE...that's all I need. Social media relationships are all good, its nice to keep up with people. However, if you consider yourself family, it should go beyond a damn keyboard. 

A quick word about my in laws. Sean loves his family. He's passive. For years, I pushed him to have more contact with all of them. He did and its improved tremendously. He doesnt see an issue with not talking to his family for long periods of time. I never understood that. Until recently. I no longer push this issue because with him, as well...I wont make the effort towards anyone that doesnt reciprocate in any way. While he may be passive about his lack of contact with his family, it annoys me. However, its his family and he can do what he wants with it. I decided to step back and let go of that altogether. How often his parents contact him is no longer a concern of mine. Personally, it bothers me because my husband deserves more than he gets. A couple calls and emails a year wouldnt cut it for me. But for him, he's fine with it. So as much as it annoys me, I have to let him handle that. He knows he has me and I will support him with whatever he chooses to do or not do regarding this. For reasons I wont go into, we dont speak to his mother at all. With good reason...HOWEVER, if the day comes where he wants to contact her, I will support him and stand behind him on that. I wont have anything to do with her but that is his mother and he can handle this as he sees fit. My role is this part is not wanting to see my husband hurt in any way. I am protective over him and his heart. On that note, I have to add that I love my brother in law and I love the relationship they have with each other. He and I have come a long way and that is ONE relationship that Sean has that I will always push to stay as great as it is.

My husband shows me and tells me that me and the girls are all he needs. Well they are all I need. My small circle are the people who bring light into our lives. They WANT to be a part of my life. My people are who show me love, respect, concern and support. My people. My FAMILY. Relatives are relative. Thats all. You can be related to 100 people all over but if ONE person reaches out and shows you that you matter..that you are loved, that is all the FAMILY you need. NO ONE should have to beg anyone for love, for compassion, for understanding, for consideration...if it doesnt happen naturally..those people may not be for you. Thank goodness I have been blessed with the best. Whoever chooses to not be a part of me...they can watch from afar. Just remember, not EVERYTHING is posted on social media and believe me when I say, there is SO much more to what you may read. You cant force anyone to love you or care about you. All you can do is devote your energy to the ones who do and the ones you never have to question.

So, to my REAL FAMILY! I cant express the love and devotion I have for you all. I would be lost without you. You lift me up when Im down. You catch me when I fall. You love me, accept me and care for me, unconditionally. You share in my joy, you cry when I cry. No matter what, you all are there for me...even when I dont want anyone. You make the effort. You see behind the words I write because you care. Because you want to be a part of my life. For that, I thank you. For that, I love you. You all know who you are. Its VERY few. You all know how much you mean to me. You all know I would go to the ends of the earth for you....because thats how FAMILY works. That's what FAMILIES do for each other.