"EX" Doesn't Have To Be An Ugly Word

This week has been an emotional and busy one. Decorating for the holidays...I realized how different this year is, especially because my girls' Nana has passed.

She is my ex mother in law. The Brown/Burgess family are my ex inlaws. But, that doesnt have to mean "ex" in an ugly way, as sometimes is the case.

A little history.....Michael is my ex husband. We were together/married from 1991 until I left him in 2002 and our divorce was final in 2006. Our marriage was anything but a fairy tale. Full of violence, dysfunction and terrible memories. However, the POSITIVE things I gained will last me a lifetime...which are of course, the 3 daughters we created and his family. 

I felt a part of his family as soon as we started seeing each other. Nana and Papa were always welcoming and included me in everything from the start. Even having my own Christmas stocking from the beginning. His sister, brother and the rest of the family became my family. All of the years he was incarcerated and was not there for holidays, birthdays, etc...I was. I realized early on how important families are and that his family was a HUGE part of my life, as well as the girls' lives. My baby shower in 1994 was the first time I met the extended Burgess/Brown family. I didnt know any of the women there lol but I learned who each person was, how they were related and to this day, I can still say I talk to them on FB or when I saw them all in September. Kind, God fearing, faithful family oriented, loving, people. 

I was there to help raise and take part in the lives of his niece and nephew. Ashtin and Joseph were babies practically. Ashtin was barely 2 when I met them! When I had my babies, she was 5. From that point, I couldnt have known what a special part of our lives that she would become. She helped me with ALL of my babies more than any cousin should have. In that time, a special relationship blossomed. Not only were my girls her first best friends, her first cousins...they would go on to all grow up and truly stay the BEST of friends. She is now 28, the amazing mother of 3 herself and I truly consider her family. She is my niece. Not my ex niece. I love her like my own, I yell at her like my own and I am forever grateful for the child and woman she was and has become. Watching Joseph grow up and get his life in order has been a blessing in itself.

My "ex" sister in law...nope! She is my sister in law. My girls are her only blood related nieces (or nephews). We have been through everything! Fought like sisters, tolerated each other when we didnt want to and loved a whole lot more than anything. Especially as we've gotten older. She is the best aunt to the girls. She is the most loyal sister in law I couldve asked for. In 1996, she did something that opened my eyes to what I meant to her....At Christmas, the family get together at Nana and Papas...she saw Michael get violent with me in a back room. I didnt know she saw it. Next thing we know, her and her brother are trading punches in the kitchen which turned into her husband and Michael fighting in the driveway. It happened because she had my back in a bad situation. From that day forward, I knew she would be there for me whenever I needed her. God forgive the idiot who chooses to mess with her nieces! She is a a spitfire like Papa but has a heart of gold, like Nana.

His brother Ashley was more of a dad to the girls when they were babies than Michael was. While Michael was out gallivanting, not caring about his family...Ashley was the one who brought me diapers and milk when I needed it. Ashley would go to the ends of the earth for anyone. One of the biggest hearts EVER! He is my brother in law. Always has been and always will. The girls ADORE him to this day and so do I! He would give the shirt off his back for anyone. His heart is as big as they come. Definitely has part of Nana in him!

Michele...the girls' great aunt...Not only was Brittany named after her, she married Michael and I! Ive always looked at her like I would an aunt. She knows me well so she knows exactly when to shoot me down and when to laugh and agree with me. The memories she shares with us from the older years are priceless. I could listen to her stories about the time she grew up for days!

Nana....what a saint. Im so glad I named Brandy after her! What a tolerant, faith driven amazing woman she was. I dont like calling her my ex mother in law. I just call her Nana! The last time I spoke to her was a few weeks before she passed. NOT ONCE, did she forget to end our conversations with an "I LOVE YOU, HUN". I remember years and years of the girls growing when I would randomly call her just to update on what my girls were up to. I also called her when the girls needed a soft but stern speaking to because they werent listening to me lol  She taught me so much about life. How to take care of babies, how to cook, how to be a wife among many other things. The influence she has on me still applies to my life today. 28 years after I met her. She knew how much I loved her and how much she always meant to me. Of course, she nagged and complained but what mother in law doesnt?! I love that woman with my whole heart and her impact will live on through me and my girls forever.

She wrote Sean a letter some years back, thanking him for taking care of her grandbabies and said she is "forever in his debt"...that is just the kind of woman she was. She was well aware her own son was a shitty father, husband, etc...BUT she never gave up on him, was there for him even when everyone told her he didnt deserve it. Yet, she took time to thank my current husband like that. 

When I left Michael finally, there was a very short time where the family was disappointed in me. VERY SHORT! A lot of families that break up make the choice to exclude the ex's family completely. That thought NEVER crossed my mind. It would have been so selfish of me to take away the love of this family from my girls. To deny them the family that is rightfully theirs.  Its not their fault my marriage didnt work. So that was never even a consideration for me. The girls and the Browns have ALWAYS stayed close. ALWAYS been knee deep involved and a part of each other's lives. Taken part in so many milestones in their lives. Granted, Michael always being in jail made this much easier, but even when he is out...the relationship WE have with the family has never faltered. To this day, now that my girls are adults...they are grateful to me for never keeping them from their family.

How fortunate am I to have an extended family in my life that didnt necessarily have to happen?! When Nana passed in September, I didnt have a second thought of going to Georgia for her funeral. We had somewhat prepared for this for a few years, only because she was aging and it was inevitably going to be her time. As soon as we get the news...almost immediately after she passed, my main concern was being there for my girls and for the family. Sandy, Michele, Ashtin...ALL OF THEM. We got to Georgia and it felt like old times. Sandy stated she wanted me with the family at the service. Without mentioning it, I cant even tell you how much that meant to me. We spent the week with family and it was like nothing has changed. Still close as ever. As her services happened, extended family and family friends that I hadnt seen in YEARS came up to me and were just sweet as can be. Showed me that they remembered me, even liked me and loved my kids. Ive always loved the extended family and going to the annual Burgess reunions was one of my favorite memories of when my kids were babies. 

Papa...the stubborn, rough exterior, doesnt take any bs, outspoken, total southern to the core man he was. I saw that side but our family was so lucky to see a complete different side. He (and Nana) had such a softness, such a vulnerability when it came to ALL their babies. He was the sweetest, most spoiling Papa ever! He is THE Papa that would sneak candy to the babies because they wanted it. Memories of babies on his lap in his recliner just rocking them to sleep. Protective as all get out! He loved Nana more than life. Being a part of their 50th wedding anniversary vow renewal family pictures  meant the world to me. Michael was "away", Brittany was just a baby. He has left quite a legacy and I see him and Nana in my girls every day. Not to mention in Sandy, Ashtin, Joseph and the rest of the family.  Brandy was a baby when he passed but today, she can tell you what kind of man he was, stories that she was told her entire life. She may not remember him but through this family, she knows what a special man their Papa was.

Decorating my tree, I surprisingly got so emotional. Every year since all the babies (even my generation and before), Nana made ornaments for everyone. I have the ones she made for my girls. Putting them up, I can remember each year she gave each one to them. Christmas was everyone's favorite time of year. Christmas at Nana's. Waking up Christmas morning to presents spread out on her couch for the girls from Santa. Her breakfast casserole she made every year. The ham...OH THE HAM!!! When we moved away from Georgia in 2009, I know the girls missed Christmas with the Browns terribly. I did too but not like they did. Knowing that Christmas wont ever be the same again is heartbreaking. Since we moved, EVERY Christmas (Easter, Mothers Day, etc) morning, I always tell my girls "make sure you call Nana". This year I cant say that. But I CAN tell them to make sure they call their Aunt Sandy and Aunt Michele. Traditions will live on. 

I consider myself so lucky to have an additional family still in my life to call my own. They arent "exes". I hate that word. They are just FAMILY. I speak to all of them regularly...my girls do too. Ashtin is still their best friend and the bond that these 4 girls have now is such a beautiful thing to witness. I know Nana and Papa are looking down on their family and would be proud of how strong everyone is. Memories flood our minds, love fills our hearts. While the holidays will never be the same...Joseph said something to me the other day...he said "We will still have great family gatherings"...SO TRUE!! 

My ex husband is my ex for a reason. GOOD reasons...but his family is my family. Always have been and always will be. They have included my current husband from day one. They love him like their own. What more can I ask for?

I shed tears when I think of how much Nana (and Papa) are missed but I am so appreciative of everything they have done for me the last 28 years...the love and lessons they instilled in my daughters.  The lessons they taught me! The faith in God they had lets me know without a doubt that they are in heaven, together again, keeping watch over all of us and smiling.  

28 years as a part of this family. Such a blessing, such a special group of people. I could not have wished for a better family for my daughters. Just because they have nothing to do with Michael, they never have really...that doesnt mean that they cant have anything to do with his family...their family...the family they were born from and into. My girls have so much love from them that it overflows and completely compensates for what they have never received from their own biological "father". 

Since Nana has passed, Ive noticed a change. Sandy, Ashtin, my girls...I can see that they look at life differently. They see it through Nana's eyes and they try to live life the way she would want. 

Bailey is a carbon copy of Nana. Her mannerisms, her emotions, her heart, her compassion. I am very grateful for that! EVERYONE told her how much she was like Nana and I know how much she loves that and takes pride in it. We even compared younger photos of Nana to her and she has a lot of her features. I know Bay takes so much pride in this as well as the rest of the family.

Holidays will be different but there will never be a lack of love and family. Being raised Jewish, the Brown family showed me what family and Christmas time means. 

Im the one who is forever in THEIR debt!

Nana and Papa, you are loved and missed more than you know. Your memory and legacy will carried on through generation after generation of the family YOU created!! Never far from our thoughts and ALWAYS IN OUR HEARTS! 

FAMILY vs RELATIVES pt. 2...Hubby's Reaction

God love this man! I am so blessed to have such a supportive, loving, HILARIOUS husband 💓
Of course I filled him in and this is his reaction about my dad..well, part of it lol

He is my calm...please say a prayer for him as he goes back across the pond tomorrow. Safe travels, my love!

FAMILY vs RELATIVES

Im feeling some kind of way and its taking all I have to keep my emotions in check and not totally lash out or have a breakdown...so what better outlet than writing?! If any family members are offended by this, that is on you. Ive ignored a lot of the bullshit to this point. So now I am prepared to get this out and BE DONE.

My "FAMILY" is huge. My grandfather had 10 brothers and sisters so you can imagine the lineage just from them alone. This is my mother's side. My dad's side is much smaller. Obviously, you know I was adopted, so were my siblings. I have NO blood relatives that I know of except my children. Family was everything to me for such a long time. Especially as I got older and started having my own children. Well, here I sit at 46 yrs old and I can say with confidence...Blood, DNA, Adoption...DONT make people family. Since my mom died in 2009, my "family" has become almost non existent and dysfunctional. Parts were non existent before but now, its all clear as day and I decided not to accept this...in my life.

Family are the people you CHOOSE. Family are the ones who genuinely care and put forth the effort to show that they care. They have concern for your well being. Family is non judgmental. Family is full of unconditional love and undying support...NO MATTER what their own opinions are. Family checks in with each other. They communicate to touch base. A sign that they actually give a shit. When you hurt, they hurt. You get the gist of what Im saying. Well, Ive come to realize that I have family, but we are connected at the heart. There is no blood or legalities binding us together. The "family" I have through my adoption are just RELATIVES. Boy, do I have a SHIT TON of those! 

What triggered this? My dear ol "Dad". I was a Daddy's girl until I was 8. Or so I thought. My parents divorced when I was 9. One year after he brought our family from Delaware to Georgia so he could follow his chiropractic dream (and also apparently cheat on my mom) After the divorce, he went from being a weekend dad to being nothing. As an adult and after time and time again...telling him how I feel, being angry, giving chances and begging him to be a dad...I GIVE UP! The last time I saw him was at mom's funeral. He said he "had to be there for us kids". Yea Dad, you were late to the service and left the second they lowered her in the ground. Thanks for coming. Still, in my mind, I had one parent left. I remember telling him that I needed him to step up and be there after Mom died for me. I wasnt close to my stepdad, ever. But yea, that didnt happen. I got a few phone calls through the years to be told he had different health issues. I got a call to inform me that he was divorcing his 4th wife of 26 years. EVERY time I talked to him, I told him what I needed from him. He says he would do better. That is determined to be a LIE. Mind you, every year he goes to Atlanta for a seminar at Life College. He calls my "brother" and stays with him. Does he contact him before or after he is there? Nope. 

So last year, my dad popped up as a suggestion on Facebook. Awesome, right? Not so much. He ghosts on there..to the point I forget he's even on there. Until last night. I checked in to the airport when Sean left on Sunday. Late Tuesday night I see that my dad had commented my post. I'll post screen shots because I deleted his comment and the back and forth. I decided that his bullshit would not poison that post. It was about my husband, NOT HIM. Mind you, I havent spoken to him in YEARS. I dont know him anymore and apparently, he is continuing his weird, eccentric, ridiculous way of life. I want nothing to do with it.

So as you can see, Im obviously angry. You can also see, any feelings I stated or any sign of frustration was discounted. That did it for me. He has never been there for me and he's made it quite obvious he never will be. He's off in his own la la land and he can have it. I want nothing to do with it. If he keeps up with me through what I post on FB, so be it. Let him see everything he is missing out on. He has met my children TWICE in over 23 years. That speaks volumes. He doesnt know names, birthdays or who's who. My oldest brother doesnt have a relationship with him..nor any of us really. My asshole brother who is dead to me is just like dad so of course, they communicate somewhat. My sister has nothing to do with him and washed her hands of him a long long time ago, rightfully so.

Well last night, I couldnt fall asleep. My mind was racing trying to sort out all of this fuckery in my head. Realizations came to light. I HAVE NO PARENTS. Mom is gone, Dad is non existent. I found out my stepdad died, 5 days after it happened. We were never close to begin with. That got me thinking of the rest of my "family". They are pretty non existent, as well. How do you go from being so close to a sibling to not speaking for months and months? It is what it is. 

My definition of family has changed drastically. Just because I am related doesnt mean shit. Phone calls by me go unanswered. If I dont matter to someone, if Im not considered.......why the hell should I continue to make an effort? I SHOULDNT and I WONT anymore. This will probably upset some people. If so, Im sorry but I have to come first. Ive done everything I can to put forth an effort to keep relationships in tact, keep them going...with no reciprocation. Im done. This goes for siblings, nieces, nephews, relatives by marriage, cousins, aunts, uncles, distant relatives, in laws, etc. If anyone wants to know how I am, they have my contact info but Im sure I wont hear a word. Only because I havent up to this point. Yes, people keep up with my life from the things I post on Facebook. They can see how the kids are, how I am, etc. But if you prefer a relationship on social media rather than a genuine relationship...that is exactly how I will see you. 

My FAMILY are my friends who I am blessed with to have in my life. These people check on me, they contact me regularly to make sure my life is good and make sure I am ok. Not on Facebook,  not on any social media. Through actual phone conversations, Facetimes and texts. REAL LIFE interaction. Through these people, I know I am cared about. I feel it in my heart. I know that my feelings matter. I dont feel alone. I am SO grateful that I have people like this in my life. When Sean left again, I was prepared to sulk and be sad. On my own. I wasnt allowed to do that. My people immediately started checking on me...for days...just to make sure I was ok. Did my "family" do that? Fuck no they didnt. NO ONE. Come to think of it, no one called or anything the entire 6 weeks Sean was home. Me posting pics shows how much we enjoyed having him home shouldnt be the way you assume everything is good...or bad if it is. If you give a fuck, you would call or at least text. My chosen family are the ones who genuinely shared in our joy of being reunited. They shared in our sadness of being separated again. They are the ones who see and feel the pain I felt when he left, as much as I posted about being ok and staying positive. They see the REAL me. I felt the support and love deep in my soul. These are the ones who I am happy to bring along on this journey called MY LIFE. If others choose not to take part, that is on them. Im not making the effort anymore.

I was abandoned when I was 3 days old. Ive spent 46 years learning that I was loved. My mother made it a point to make sure I KNEW I was loved and wanted. Today, Im not going to stress over that anymore. My daughters, my husband, those LUCKY enough to be in my REAL LIFE...that's all I need. Social media relationships are all good, its nice to keep up with people. However, if you consider yourself family, it should go beyond a damn keyboard. 

A quick word about my in laws. Sean loves his family. He's passive. For years, I pushed him to have more contact with all of them. He did and its improved tremendously. He doesnt see an issue with not talking to his family for long periods of time. I never understood that. Until recently. I no longer push this issue because with him, as well...I wont make the effort towards anyone that doesnt reciprocate in any way. While he may be passive about his lack of contact with his family, it annoys me. However, its his family and he can do what he wants with it. I decided to step back and let go of that altogether. How often his parents contact him is no longer a concern of mine. Personally, it bothers me because my husband deserves more than he gets. A couple calls and emails a year wouldnt cut it for me. But for him, he's fine with it. So as much as it annoys me, I have to let him handle that. He knows he has me and I will support him with whatever he chooses to do or not do regarding this. For reasons I wont go into, we dont speak to his mother at all. With good reason...HOWEVER, if the day comes where he wants to contact her, I will support him and stand behind him on that. I wont have anything to do with her but that is his mother and he can handle this as he sees fit. My role is this part is not wanting to see my husband hurt in any way. I am protective over him and his heart. On that note, I have to add that I love my brother in law and I love the relationship they have with each other. He and I have come a long way and that is ONE relationship that Sean has that I will always push to stay as great as it is.

My husband shows me and tells me that me and the girls are all he needs. Well they are all I need. My small circle are the people who bring light into our lives. They WANT to be a part of my life. My people are who show me love, respect, concern and support. My people. My FAMILY. Relatives are relative. Thats all. You can be related to 100 people all over but if ONE person reaches out and shows you that you matter..that you are loved, that is all the FAMILY you need. NO ONE should have to beg anyone for love, for compassion, for understanding, for consideration...if it doesnt happen naturally..those people may not be for you. Thank goodness I have been blessed with the best. Whoever chooses to not be a part of me...they can watch from afar. Just remember, not EVERYTHING is posted on social media and believe me when I say, there is SO much more to what you may read. You cant force anyone to love you or care about you. All you can do is devote your energy to the ones who do and the ones you never have to question.

So, to my REAL FAMILY! I cant express the love and devotion I have for you all. I would be lost without you. You lift me up when Im down. You catch me when I fall. You love me, accept me and care for me, unconditionally. You share in my joy, you cry when I cry. No matter what, you all are there for me...even when I dont want anyone. You make the effort. You see behind the words I write because you care. Because you want to be a part of my life. For that, I thank you. For that, I love you. You all know who you are. Its VERY few. You all know how much you mean to me. You all know I would go to the ends of the earth for you....because thats how FAMILY works. That's what FAMILIES do for each other.