Strength Comes In Numbers

Wow! Its 2 days before Thanksgiving...what an insane couple of months Ive had!

Ive been thinking a lot lately...about life, my family, my friends...trying to figure out how I got to the point Im at. How I keep surviving each day. Just to give an idea of whats happened in my life the last couple of months...

*My ex mother in law passed away in September, my girls' Nana who Ive always stayed close to..
 This was a HARD loss for everyone. Its always tough when a matriarch passes away. My girls first loss as adults. We made the trip to Atlanta for her funeral. Talk about a range of emotions. We were n the area that I lived in with my ex, surrounded by memories and places and people from my abusive past with my ex husband. I had to hold it down and be strong for my kids. I was there to support them and help them deal with one of the biggest losses of their lives. Emotions ran high for everyone that week. It was good to see people I havent seen in decades. I also got to visit my mother's grave, saw my aunt and the rest of my family minus my brothers. I was able to see ALL of my nieces and nephews which was awesome! My sister and I buried our issues and reconciled and I am most grateful for that.

*Sean came home unexpectedly. The consulate in Iraq shut down per the state department and basically, he was/is out of work. While I was happy he was coming home, I was also scared. We work great as a team and even if I didnt know how we would make it, I knew we would somehow. Currently, he is set to go to Afghanistan on a new contract so its just a waiting game at this point. In the meantime, Im loving having him home and Im so grateful he is home for Thanksgiving.

*My youngest daughter and I had a MAJOR fallout. Without going into detail...she was gone and I didnt talk to her and I didnt for sure know where she was for 2 days. It was the most devastating, heartbreaking 2 days EVER. During that time, I felt like a failure as a mother. Struggling to stick to my guns about demanding respect but at the same time, wanting to cave and give in to her just to have her home. I wanted to give up completely. She is JUST LIKE ME. We clash but its never been this bad. I wanted to die. I wanted to not exist. I felt I was to blame for everything negative in my children's lives. Sean was home but he stayed out of it for the most part because he knew that her and I had to get through this. Her sisters were there for her and for me but in the end, her and I had to deal with it. After some hard realizations on both of our parts, after a long talk and after some wonderful advice from my tribe of angels (my besties), we got through it. We have an understanding and through it all, she was receptive to what I need from her as I was to her.

* Sean and I took a quick surprise trip to Oklahoma to surprise my Bestie for her birthday. What a FABULOUS weekend! They are moving so I was so glad to see her and her family!

All thats happened had me thinking a lot about who and what I get my strength from. How do I literally deal with the day to day bullshit of LIFE?! My people. Thats how. I am fortunate enough to have a handful of people in my life who are there 100% for me. Even when I dont want to reach out, they know and they have my back consistently. I need people to call me on my bullshit, uplift me, encourage me and give me support when I have no faith in myself. There are days when I dont want to wake up. I dont want to talk to anyone. When all of a sudden, I get a text from one of  my people asking how I am or what's up or if I'm ok. I get reminded of all the trials and tribulations Ive been through in my life and how I am still standing tall today. I get reminded that I have strength to deal with anything that comes along. I am reminded to have faith. I am told how special I truly am. How I impact other lives and the positivity I bring to their lives. Advice that is given is priceless. Before you know it, I am feeling competent again and I KNOW I can handle whatever comes along.

My daughters are also a HUGE part of where I get my strength and will to keep going. They are grown. I felt as though I wasnt needed anymore. They have their lives and my job raising them is done. HELL NO ITS NOT!  I specifically remember days when I literally felt useless and I was just done. Ive even told them on occasion that Im done. Truth be told, I will never be done. The thought of hanging on JUST because I have 3 children who I created, needed me to, has gotten me through some dark days. They might be raised but I know that I will ALWAYS have to be that pillar of strength for them. Being a mother to adults has challenges. Thankfully Ive seen that they still need me, just in a different capacity. I am enough. I am #1 with them and that alone gets me through the toughest of times.

Sean is my rock. His communication skills may suck at times, but without a doubt, he is there for me to the best of his ability. I no longer have expectations of him. I accept him for who he is completely. I make more of an effort to understand things from his side. Finally realizing we work better as a team has definitely been an epiphany for me.  From this angle, I know I am loved, I know I am taken care of and I know someone has my best interest in mind 100!

Faith and spirituality has been a huge factor for me lately. The unknown is scary. But its inevitable. I have learned that I need to truly have faith that things are going to be ok. I may not know how but failing is not an option so together, we will find a way to make every and any thing work. Ive done a lot of soul searching alone and with my close friends. I am open to a lot more about myself. It feels like Im learning something new every day. For the first time in a long while, I finally feel like I am cared about and loved by others. I feel it in my heart and soul that I am worthy of being loved. I dont have to take on everything by myself and there is nothing wrong with leaning on others when I feel lost. Definitely a hard pill for this strong willed, I can handle everything on my own, woman to swallow.

Through my family, through my best friends...life is not so dreary and bleak anymore for me. I see a light. It may be foggy at times but its there. I no longer feel like I am alone for the first time in forever. I DO have friends that truly care about my well being. I have a husband who loves me to no end and I have 3 amazing daughters who see me as their world. I dont have to take on every thing that comes up by myself and I dont have to have all of the answers. I have faith, hope and trust and that has become enough for me. I dont HAVE to have all the answers. I need positivity and good vibes in order for my mind and soul to be complete and I have that, finally.

My oldest daughter is moving back home this week. Finally done with her ex boyfriend of 7 yrs and she is ready to start a new life. I could not be more thrilled for her! She is strong like her mom and her future looks so bright. She hasnt lived with me since she was 17, she is now 24. It will be challenging at times but we will make it through it, like always.

So life keeps coming, throwing curve balls all the time...I feel like Ive found ways to cope and handle things in a manner that is healthy and prosperous for me and for everyone involved.

Find yourself a handful of people that bring light to your life. Find faith and hope that things happen how they are supposed to and everything happens for a reason. Dig deep inside to find your inner strength that you never knew existed. If that is hard for you, lean on your people. Let them uplift you until you can keep yourself up.

I dont know how I would survive without my people. It just wouldnt be possible and I could not be more grateful. I wont have negativity in my life anymore. I wont be emotionally or mentally drained by anyone because I have others depending on me to be strong. Peace, love and light sounds so cliche but its so spot on. Its how I must live my life today. Sean, my daughters, my family, Clara, Mel, Laurie, Carmen, Nancy (who doesnt even have social media anymore lol) and the others, you know who you are....you are my strength, you are my reason, you are my heart. Thank you for being who you are and thank you for loving me unconditionally and being there for me even when I didnt want anyone. FOREVER THANKFUL!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!! Hope 2019 brings you all you want and more!

Loneliness Is Addictive

I am alone 90% of the time. My husband has been home for just under 4 mths in the last 3 years. My 2 older kids dont live at home and my youngest who is 18 has her own life...work, friends, school, etc. Most of the time, Im perfectly fine by myself. However, Ive realized that Ive grown accustomed to being alone, you could say addicted in a way. 

I dont work, by choice. I have all the time in the world. I could go out and be social at any given time. I could even get a job. I have no kids to watch, no real parent responsibilities anymore. However, I CHOOSE not to do those things. Im a loner. I literally leave my house once or twice a week to go to the store and run errands. My days consist of cleaning, taking care of my dogs..and staying in my head and thoughts constantly. Since Brandy is still home and I now have Bailey here for a bit, there is more to do and more interaction and chaos. Good chaos but nonetheless, chaos. Ive found myself getting annoyed by it. Of course Im happy my kids are here, but when the house is empty, like now, I just feel more calm and content. 

Being alone has become addictive for me. When I have to go out, I spend over an hour getting ready. If only, so people who see me in public wont look at me and think I dont have my shit together. So they wont see the truth, which is that I have no life. Sadly, I chose this but Im content like this.  I have no desire to have any social interaction with anyone. I have no desire to go out and do spontaneous stuff. I literally prefer staying home in my sweats all day, every day and watching my TV shows that I have scheduled each night of the week. I have an overflowing closet of clothes and shoes that I never wear. They are there "just in case". How stupid is that? I could sell my purse collection for a fortune but I need to keep them all "just in case". I DONT GO ANYWHERE! This is NOT who I used to be.

I used to be the "hostess with the mostest" when the kids were younger. In our early and middle days in the Army. I had get togethers ALL the time. Went out to dinner ALL the time with friends. Threw parties and had tons of people over. I was a total social butterfly. When we lived in Georgia, there wasnt a weekend that went by that I wasnt out with a group of friends. Our entire families. Having dinner, hanging out, having a fabulous time. In Louisiana, it was a repeat of that. We had friends from Georgia there so it was always a great time full of friends that are family to us. When I got to Texas, I had a best friend here and when she PCSed, I just shut down. I do have friends here that Ive met. I have opportunities to hang out with people. I get invites all the time. I just dont go. When Sean started deploying with this job, it took some getting used to again. Now it takes getting used to having him home for just over a month at a time. I have my days where Im sick of doing life alone. The deployments are wearing me down. Im married but Im alone. Sometimes I feel guilty for "enjoying" my life by myself. I get anxiety when he comes home. I get anxiety at the thought of socializing. When these things happen, I absolutely love it. I have a great time and I remember why I love entertaining company. Its just not my go-to persona anymore. Why am I so content and ok with no interaction with people? Why am I so ok with not leaving my house? 

It could be that Im getting older. It could be that I just feel like I cant invest in anyone anymore. This is just who I am today. I dont necessarily like it but Im content. Part of me feels like I have no purpose. The kids are grown. I raised them and I feel like a failure at parenting adult children. Im pushing 50 yrs old. My husband is 38, Im stupid enough to have insecure thoughts to the point we are fighting over shit that has NEVER been an issue before. He loves me, would never betray or hurt me in any way. So why do I convince myself otherwise to the point I truly believe my thoughts?? Am I forcing myself to be ok with the distance between us? Is it finally getting down to the fact that I really CANT take it anymore? People see me as this strong woman that can handle anything that comes my way. Maybe Im reaching a breaking point. Maybe its perimenopause that is causing my emotions and thoughts to go fucking crazy. Maybe its a mid life crisis. Maybe Im just good at stuffing the real shit inside of me down deep enough to where I can ignore it. Maybe being alone has me going literally insane. I honestly dont know the answers. I know what I should do and think, but I block all of that. Who knows, maybe Im comfortable being an insecure, aging, paranoid loner. Is it depression? Could be.

I have a good life. I have great friends. I am just clueless on how to incorporate these things into my happiness. I dont want to reach out to anyone. I dont want to be the needy friend. I always have my shit together...or do I? Not saying Im fake in any way...just saying Im not one to burden people with my issues and problems. Instead, I make myself available to anyone at any time. Seeing people I love struggle is the WORST for me. I want to feel needed yet I dont want to need anyone. Make sense? Not to me either. 

I guess being alone so much has forced me to take a look at myself. Half the time, Im not ok with who I see. The other half is bulletproof and can handle anything and everything that comes my way. My best friends are hundreds of miles away. They have their own lives, their own family and their own things they are going through. Deployments are not easy. I got this, right? Its what we have to do at this point in time. I can deal with this life. Ive been doing it for almost 14 years. Times change. The kids got older. Our bills doubled. Life moves on. This is how I convince myself that I got this in the bag. Today, I dont.

Not only that...this rotation, Sean's job is somewhat dangerous. So I have that to think about too. There is alot happening with Graduation coming fast, Sean will be home in a month, my family bullshit that still weighs heavily on my mind, Mom's Angelversary...etc. Im more content with nothing on the calendar, nothing going on and nothing to think about. Thats just not how life is, though. This Mercury retrograde has life all fucked up for me but hopefully, this too, shall pass...QUICKLY. Im really off lately, Im stressed and Im about to lose my shit daily...but I have to believe that life will calm down soon. I have to believe that its going to be ok....only because I dont know how it could get worse right now. 

Saturday night... Bailey is back in El Paso until Friday. Bran is out with her friends so its just me and the dogs. Im going to watch Greatest Showman for the second time today and 6th time total. That movie makes me feel good for some reason so I love it! Godwilling, getting this out can help me wake up tomorrow with a different mindset. As content as I am being alone, my mindset isnt where its supposed to be. Im going to pray tonight to give me some answers that I definitely need. When shit's out of whack...my family suffers and they dont deserve it.

Just like any addiction, if it gets out of control and if you give in to the addiction, there are consequences. My addiction to being alone has them too and Im suffering these consequences now. Praying it will subside and I can get it in check. Maybe one day, I will decide to put myself out there and learn to be social again. Time will tell. Until then, my DVR awaits and there are always dishes and laundry to do!! 

FAMILY vs RELATIVES

Im feeling some kind of way and its taking all I have to keep my emotions in check and not totally lash out or have a breakdown...so what better outlet than writing?! If any family members are offended by this, that is on you. Ive ignored a lot of the bullshit to this point. So now I am prepared to get this out and BE DONE.

My "FAMILY" is huge. My grandfather had 10 brothers and sisters so you can imagine the lineage just from them alone. This is my mother's side. My dad's side is much smaller. Obviously, you know I was adopted, so were my siblings. I have NO blood relatives that I know of except my children. Family was everything to me for such a long time. Especially as I got older and started having my own children. Well, here I sit at 46 yrs old and I can say with confidence...Blood, DNA, Adoption...DONT make people family. Since my mom died in 2009, my "family" has become almost non existent and dysfunctional. Parts were non existent before but now, its all clear as day and I decided not to accept this...in my life.

Family are the people you CHOOSE. Family are the ones who genuinely care and put forth the effort to show that they care. They have concern for your well being. Family is non judgmental. Family is full of unconditional love and undying support...NO MATTER what their own opinions are. Family checks in with each other. They communicate to touch base. A sign that they actually give a shit. When you hurt, they hurt. You get the gist of what Im saying. Well, Ive come to realize that I have family, but we are connected at the heart. There is no blood or legalities binding us together. The "family" I have through my adoption are just RELATIVES. Boy, do I have a SHIT TON of those! 

What triggered this? My dear ol "Dad". I was a Daddy's girl until I was 8. Or so I thought. My parents divorced when I was 9. One year after he brought our family from Delaware to Georgia so he could follow his chiropractic dream (and also apparently cheat on my mom) After the divorce, he went from being a weekend dad to being nothing. As an adult and after time and time again...telling him how I feel, being angry, giving chances and begging him to be a dad...I GIVE UP! The last time I saw him was at mom's funeral. He said he "had to be there for us kids". Yea Dad, you were late to the service and left the second they lowered her in the ground. Thanks for coming. Still, in my mind, I had one parent left. I remember telling him that I needed him to step up and be there after Mom died for me. I wasnt close to my stepdad, ever. But yea, that didnt happen. I got a few phone calls through the years to be told he had different health issues. I got a call to inform me that he was divorcing his 4th wife of 26 years. EVERY time I talked to him, I told him what I needed from him. He says he would do better. That is determined to be a LIE. Mind you, every year he goes to Atlanta for a seminar at Life College. He calls my "brother" and stays with him. Does he contact him before or after he is there? Nope. 

So last year, my dad popped up as a suggestion on Facebook. Awesome, right? Not so much. He ghosts on there..to the point I forget he's even on there. Until last night. I checked in to the airport when Sean left on Sunday. Late Tuesday night I see that my dad had commented my post. I'll post screen shots because I deleted his comment and the back and forth. I decided that his bullshit would not poison that post. It was about my husband, NOT HIM. Mind you, I havent spoken to him in YEARS. I dont know him anymore and apparently, he is continuing his weird, eccentric, ridiculous way of life. I want nothing to do with it.

So as you can see, Im obviously angry. You can also see, any feelings I stated or any sign of frustration was discounted. That did it for me. He has never been there for me and he's made it quite obvious he never will be. He's off in his own la la land and he can have it. I want nothing to do with it. If he keeps up with me through what I post on FB, so be it. Let him see everything he is missing out on. He has met my children TWICE in over 23 years. That speaks volumes. He doesnt know names, birthdays or who's who. My oldest brother doesnt have a relationship with him..nor any of us really. My asshole brother who is dead to me is just like dad so of course, they communicate somewhat. My sister has nothing to do with him and washed her hands of him a long long time ago, rightfully so.

Well last night, I couldnt fall asleep. My mind was racing trying to sort out all of this fuckery in my head. Realizations came to light. I HAVE NO PARENTS. Mom is gone, Dad is non existent. I found out my stepdad died, 5 days after it happened. We were never close to begin with. That got me thinking of the rest of my "family". They are pretty non existent, as well. How do you go from being so close to a sibling to not speaking for months and months? It is what it is. 

My definition of family has changed drastically. Just because I am related doesnt mean shit. Phone calls by me go unanswered. If I dont matter to someone, if Im not considered.......why the hell should I continue to make an effort? I SHOULDNT and I WONT anymore. This will probably upset some people. If so, Im sorry but I have to come first. Ive done everything I can to put forth an effort to keep relationships in tact, keep them going...with no reciprocation. Im done. This goes for siblings, nieces, nephews, relatives by marriage, cousins, aunts, uncles, distant relatives, in laws, etc. If anyone wants to know how I am, they have my contact info but Im sure I wont hear a word. Only because I havent up to this point. Yes, people keep up with my life from the things I post on Facebook. They can see how the kids are, how I am, etc. But if you prefer a relationship on social media rather than a genuine relationship...that is exactly how I will see you. 

My FAMILY are my friends who I am blessed with to have in my life. These people check on me, they contact me regularly to make sure my life is good and make sure I am ok. Not on Facebook,  not on any social media. Through actual phone conversations, Facetimes and texts. REAL LIFE interaction. Through these people, I know I am cared about. I feel it in my heart. I know that my feelings matter. I dont feel alone. I am SO grateful that I have people like this in my life. When Sean left again, I was prepared to sulk and be sad. On my own. I wasnt allowed to do that. My people immediately started checking on me...for days...just to make sure I was ok. Did my "family" do that? Fuck no they didnt. NO ONE. Come to think of it, no one called or anything the entire 6 weeks Sean was home. Me posting pics shows how much we enjoyed having him home shouldnt be the way you assume everything is good...or bad if it is. If you give a fuck, you would call or at least text. My chosen family are the ones who genuinely shared in our joy of being reunited. They shared in our sadness of being separated again. They are the ones who see and feel the pain I felt when he left, as much as I posted about being ok and staying positive. They see the REAL me. I felt the support and love deep in my soul. These are the ones who I am happy to bring along on this journey called MY LIFE. If others choose not to take part, that is on them. Im not making the effort anymore.

I was abandoned when I was 3 days old. Ive spent 46 years learning that I was loved. My mother made it a point to make sure I KNEW I was loved and wanted. Today, Im not going to stress over that anymore. My daughters, my husband, those LUCKY enough to be in my REAL LIFE...that's all I need. Social media relationships are all good, its nice to keep up with people. However, if you consider yourself family, it should go beyond a damn keyboard. 

A quick word about my in laws. Sean loves his family. He's passive. For years, I pushed him to have more contact with all of them. He did and its improved tremendously. He doesnt see an issue with not talking to his family for long periods of time. I never understood that. Until recently. I no longer push this issue because with him, as well...I wont make the effort towards anyone that doesnt reciprocate in any way. While he may be passive about his lack of contact with his family, it annoys me. However, its his family and he can do what he wants with it. I decided to step back and let go of that altogether. How often his parents contact him is no longer a concern of mine. Personally, it bothers me because my husband deserves more than he gets. A couple calls and emails a year wouldnt cut it for me. But for him, he's fine with it. So as much as it annoys me, I have to let him handle that. He knows he has me and I will support him with whatever he chooses to do or not do regarding this. For reasons I wont go into, we dont speak to his mother at all. With good reason...HOWEVER, if the day comes where he wants to contact her, I will support him and stand behind him on that. I wont have anything to do with her but that is his mother and he can handle this as he sees fit. My role is this part is not wanting to see my husband hurt in any way. I am protective over him and his heart. On that note, I have to add that I love my brother in law and I love the relationship they have with each other. He and I have come a long way and that is ONE relationship that Sean has that I will always push to stay as great as it is.

My husband shows me and tells me that me and the girls are all he needs. Well they are all I need. My small circle are the people who bring light into our lives. They WANT to be a part of my life. My people are who show me love, respect, concern and support. My people. My FAMILY. Relatives are relative. Thats all. You can be related to 100 people all over but if ONE person reaches out and shows you that you matter..that you are loved, that is all the FAMILY you need. NO ONE should have to beg anyone for love, for compassion, for understanding, for consideration...if it doesnt happen naturally..those people may not be for you. Thank goodness I have been blessed with the best. Whoever chooses to not be a part of me...they can watch from afar. Just remember, not EVERYTHING is posted on social media and believe me when I say, there is SO much more to what you may read. You cant force anyone to love you or care about you. All you can do is devote your energy to the ones who do and the ones you never have to question.

So, to my REAL FAMILY! I cant express the love and devotion I have for you all. I would be lost without you. You lift me up when Im down. You catch me when I fall. You love me, accept me and care for me, unconditionally. You share in my joy, you cry when I cry. No matter what, you all are there for me...even when I dont want anyone. You make the effort. You see behind the words I write because you care. Because you want to be a part of my life. For that, I thank you. For that, I love you. You all know who you are. Its VERY few. You all know how much you mean to me. You all know I would go to the ends of the earth for you....because thats how FAMILY works. That's what FAMILIES do for each other.