My Letter To Mom

Dear Mom,

Its been almost 10 yrs since you left us. Since you took yourself from us. While I finally understand why, it still hurts like it was yesterday. Yes, you made sure your kids and grandkids were stable in their lives...you left us a legacy that will live on...you provided financial means for all of us..but the physical pain of you not being here is unbearable at times.

I think of you EVERY single day. Random thoughts as I cook, bake, see something or hear something that reminds me of you. I think about how you would handle things that come up. What advice you would give. Although I try my hardest to do right by you, I fail at times. We mention you pretty much every day.

Everything that youve missed. Your grandkids' Graduations, Bailey's wedding, meeting her amazing husband. The guidance Brittany could have used in her adult life from you. Brandy growing into the exact replica of me. The transition that Sean made from Soldier to civilian. Our life in Louisiana ans Texas. Among all of the other events and life that has happened in the last 10 yrs.

Life has changed so much. Sometimes I think that things wouldnt be like this if you were still here. The dysfunction with David and his poor decisions. The rift with him and I. Mark being so lost and confused in his life. Esther and her life...you would be proud of her. She has taken on your role of being there for your sister, trying her best to keep family traditions going. All of our kids miss you so much. Im grateful my girls had the memories they have with you. All of the time you spent with them. All of the love you showed. It will stay with them forever.

For me personally...I am just crushed without you. Recently, Brandy and I went through a rough spot. It brought me back to you and I when I was growing up. I dont like to think about the bad stuff. I dont like to think of the dysfunction in our own family. I want to remember you being the supportive mother I had as an adult. The AMAZING grandmother you were. The loving mother in law you were. As an adult..when you died, I was scared. I had to solely depend on my decisions in life and trust that I was doing things right. I no longer had you to guide me, advise me, help me through the rough spots. Today, that is one thing I miss so much. Would you be proud of how I turned out? Would you be proud of how the girls were raised? All I can do now is feel confident that Im doing the best I can and yes, you would be proud. Im not perfect and of course there are things you would yell at me for, you would be disappointed in...but I cant beat myself up for that anymore.

You would be 73 years old. I wonder what kind of grandmother you wouldve been. How you wouldve handled watching time go by, watching all the kids become adults. Life is so different now. Yesterday, I found a pair of your earrings in Brandy's room and I cleaned them. I had flashbacks of when you wore them. I took out your engagement ring. I wonder if you would still be married to Bob today. Hes gone now too. Hes buried with you. We havent spoken to him since you passed but if I know you, as soon as he passed...you were right there bitching and nagging him like always...like he deserved. You shocked us with your will but it finally gave us all a sense of your true feelings about your marriage. I want to thank you for doing what you felt was necessary to give the 4 of us a family after Dad left. Bob was not the best, he was the worst in a lot of ways...but you sacrificed your true happiness so we could have a family.When he passed last year, I let go of all the hate Ive felt. I felt pity for him. Now I rarely think of him at all.

Esther and I had a rough patch but all is good now. She is the only one who can relate to my feelings about you on every level. We talk about you all the time. David and Mark live their lives how they choose but her and I will always remain close...because of you. Bryce is doing amazing. The other kids are all thriving. I cant help but know that their lives would be so much richer if you were here.

It took me a lot of years to accept what you did and why. Its taken me a lot longer to be ok with it all. The feelings of anger I had are gone. You are pain free..you are at peace and you trusted we would be ok. I was scared that memories would fade. NOT EVEN CLOSE!

I will never forget the last time I saw you. You were so serene. You had me lay in your lap like I did when I was little and you stroked my hair. You took in everything more than usual. You were calm. This was 2 weeks before you did what you did. Im sure you had it planned at this time but you were so loving. Im so grateful you had that last week with my girls.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed and feel like I cant do life anymore. But I can. I have you looking out for me, I have you looking out for my family and I need to live my life how you wouldve wanted. Im sorry I couldnt help you more than I did. Im sorry I couldnt take your pain away. Im sorry that you did the only thing you felt you could. Im sorry you arent here today. No, I dont blame myself and I dont blame you. I blame Bob but now thats he gone, I cant even do that anymore. It is what it is and life has to go on. The memories are priceless. The lessons you taught all of us are immeasurable. The legacy you left will go on forever, through each generation. You will always be remembered as a loving mother and grandmother. You put everyone else before you. You cared more than people deserved and you never gave up. Thats right, you may have taken your own life but it was because you didnt want to burden anyone, so again...you cared for others more than yourself to the very end. You are and always will be the most selfless person I will ever know. I pray some of your traits have been passed down to us.

I love you so much. I miss you every second of every day. Please continue to watch over us. Please send signs that you are with us. You are gone physically but you will never be gone from the depths of my soul and my heart. I am who I am because of you...Im grateful for our time, Im grateful that you adopted me and you are the only mother I'll ever know. The anger, frustration and resentment are gone. Its all about love and forgiveness...because that is what I envision you would want. ALL of us will be ok. ALL of us will continue living...ALL of us will get through each trial and tribulation that comes along...you didnt raise us to be weak.

I pray you hear me when I talk to you. I will never stop.

I LOVE YOU!

Love,
Brooke

"I MISS HER TOO"

Its pretty amazing how hearing those 4 simple words could make my heart explode yet give me the most serene feeling EVER! It's also ironic that I'm writing this today, as I was reminded by FB memories that my Grandmother passed 6 years ago today, at 100 yrs old.

On Mother's Day, I had the thought that I wanted to call my mother's best friend, Linda. I talk to her husband and daughter sometimes and we keep up with each other on FB, however Linda doesnt have FB and I havent actually spoken to her since Mom's funeral. Time got away from me, as usual, so I finally called her yesterday.

That phone call had such an unexpected, profound effect on me. A little backstory. Linda and Lee have known me since I was 7-8 years old. They have a daughter a few years older than me. They have been there and seen me growing up. From the massive rebellious teenager, to being in an unhealthy first marriage (Lee actually represented my ex husband in court one time lol), to being a mother times 3 and now...being 47 with all of my children grown. My mother and Linda had one of those genuine, REAL friendships. Honest to the core, whether they liked it or not. Always there. Acceptance and unconditional love. Mom was quirky, Linda wasnt. Perfect BFF match, right? Linda was the ONLY person EVER that my mother allowed to smoke in her house. Linda refused to come over if she couldnt so Mom made the exception for her. You have to remember, this was back in the 80s so today's society taboos were NOT what they were back then. The point is, Linda has been in my mom's life and my life since I can remember.

Yesterday, I began talking to her about Mom. I choked up, of course. I cannot tell you what it meant to me to finally talk to someone who gets it. Yes, I know my friends who have lost parents get it but not like this. She knew Mom better than anyone. No explanation of anything was needed, except one. She never knew exactly how Mom died. She knew it was suicide but she had no idea of the details of how she did it, my stepdad's involvement, etc. I began to tell her what happened. Immediately it brought me back to that phone call. I relived every moment from that day to the entire week of her funeral. Giving her details and telling her how things went down within the family after the funeral and so on. Writing those details is SO different from speaking them. Something I havent done since around the time Mom died in 2009. Linda just listened. She knows the drama that was in our family. She knows my siblings and I. I didnt have to elaborate or explain ONE thing because she just knew. It was a relief for me to get all of this out, as I would discover after we hung up. The one thing she said quite a few times during our conversation made my heart drop to my knees. I feel like its the most significant thing anyone has said to me in YEARS. She said "I MISS HER TOO". I could hear the sadness in her voice. I could hear the love in her voice. It hit me later how much hearing that from her truly meant. It meant that someone other than my siblings and family missed Mom as much as I do. She knew Mom the way I did. She felt my loss. It was an epiphany. Ive spoken to distant family about Mom before but since she passed, I had NEVER talked to anyone about her to the extent Linda and I discussed. We reminisced, we laughed, I updated her on all of my drama with my siblings lol and we talked about the place I am today, with my kids grown, etc. I told her that I talk to Mom a lot, she told me to keep doing that and not to stop. Ive heard that before from friends and people I love but hearing it from her took it to another level.

Linda's daughter Caren knew my mom like I did, as well. Mom was there for her as a young adult so she saw Mom how I saw her. Mom was there when her babies were born, she was there for some trying times in her life. Because of this, Caren and I always got along and had this bond. When I found her on FB, after SO MANY years, I cried tears of joy. To this day, I know I can call her anytime and just talk about Mom until Im blue in the face and she will listen to me, cry with me and empathize with me like only a few can. She will always be my sister.

Ive been in a state of denial since Mom passed. Denying that I HAD to deal with it and all of the emotions that came along with it. I just refused. I wouldnt allow myself to break down. I wouldnt allow myself to feel the deep hurt that Ive had deep inside for so long. My dear friend, who I met through my Bestie (its her sister) has taken the time to talk with me and guide me through this process. She is definitely a Godsend. I can honestly say that I have started to come to terms with everything and I am learning to finally deal with it. However, Ive realized through this process that its not about just breaking down completely and then being ok. For me, its about utilizing the people in my life that I CAN go to when I need to talk about Mom. People like Linda, my aunt, Caren, Lee...people other than my siblings who knew Mom and can truly empathize in the pain I feel without explaining why. I realized yesterday how healing it is for me. Talking to people that loved my mother like I do. Talking about her to people that knew her and knew her heart. Sometimes, I want to just call distant relatives to talk about her. But I dont. I dont want to be a bother. Today, I know I have those I can call at anytime and feel confident that they GET IT.

So today, my healing continues. As my last child graduates, I know there are others that feel the absence of my mother in the same way I do. They KNOW how proud she would be. They KNOW she is looking down with the biggest smile on her beautiful face. For the first time since she passed, I can finally say I have a sense of moving forward. Ive stayed stagnant in this gray area where she is concerned for so long and its been eating me up. Now, I have a peaceful feeling. I can begin to really deal with this loss knowing I will be ok. Things happen for a reason and there is a time for everything.

This is my time.

Side note: its also time to get my ass in gear and get ready for my husband to come home from overseas and get my house and heart ready for my baby to graduate high school next week!

9 Years Has Passed..April 26, 2009

It's hard to believe that it's been 9 years since my mom passed away. Some days, it just doesnt seem real and other days, it seems all TOO real. I remember the last time I saw her, the evening I got the call, etc like it was yesterday. It just dawned on me that on this date, 9 years ago, was the last time I saw my mother alive.

We were bringing the girls to Atlanta for Spring Break to spend it with my parents. I was going to California and flying out of Atlanta. When we got to Mom's, I noticed her in a very calm place. She seemed like she was taking every thing in for the first time. Enjoying the kids, big smile on her face and just acting happy. By this time, she wasnt too mobile so she went to lie down in her room. She called me back and had me sit next to her. She had me lay my head in her lap while she ran her fingers through my hair like she did when I was a little girl. At that moment, I was 10 years old again. I remember thinking it was strange but nonetheless, I took it all in. Looking back, I am SO grateful the girls had that week with her.

August 2007 

April 26, 2009..around 5 or 6, I got the call from my sister. "Mom's dead. She committed suicide". My entire world shattered at that moment. I fell to the floor and just screamed. I remember calling my Bestie as soon as I was able to speak. The following hours were a daze. Brittany immediately freaked out...Bailey wasnt even home so I had to tell her when she arrived from her friend's house. Brandy was sad, confused and a little lost. Getting Sean's emergency leave approved, packing to go to Atlanta, etc. One memory that sticks out for some odd reason is when we drove on post to head back to Atlanta. We pull up to the gate, it was about 430am...this gate guard gives us this cheery "Good morning!" He looks at me and tells me "Smile, its going to be a great day!" I looked at him with evil eyes and said "My mom just died so today will NOT be a good day". He was shocked and felt like shit but at that moment, I could care less. Going on no sleep, we arrived at my brother's house at 8am. I couldnt go to my mom's house. David and Esther were at Mom's when the paramedics came and took her away.  I remember that during this time, Im wondering what the hell happened. Something wasnt right and I felt it in my gut. However, I carried on and did what I had to do. My siblings, my aunt, my stepfather and I all went to the funeral home to make arrangements. In the middle of planning my mothers funeral, Bob said "We have all these credit cards together, how would I get her name off of them" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I was pissed and just shocked. Plans were made and the obituary came out. Well, it turned out that my brother is the one who wrote it. Why him, I have NO idea. But he put my name down as Brooke Brown...I had been married to Sean CONOVER for 3 years at this time. I was so pissed but there was nothing I could do. I remember meeting my aunt and siblings at my grandmother's nursing home to tell her that her child had passed away. She was in her late 90s. She could barely speak but watching her rock back and forth and moan "My baby" broke my heart. My aunt made the decision not to tell her when the funeral was because she didnt think she could handle it. She was at the house after the funeral was over though.

At the funeral, the family was given the option to go see her one more time. I wouldnt let my kids see her but I decided to go. I refused to go see her at the funeral home. But I decided I needed to see her this last time. Sean walked in with me. When I saw her, I fell to my knees. Looking back, I wish I hadnt seen her because that is my last memory of her. The service, burial, etc was nice but I was glad it was over

This whole time, my siblings and I just didnt understand a lot of things. So many unanswered questions. Mom left a note. It said to tell everyone she had a heart attack in her sleep. She left a list of Bob's medication schedule and doctors appts, etc.  After the funeral, I was in town for 4 more days. The night after, we were gathered in the office at Mom's house. It was me, my brother and his wife, my stepsister and her husband and Bob. Out of the blue, my brother blurted out "Did you do it? Did you have anything to do with it?" His answer "I cant answer that for legal reasons" UMM WHAT?! We had a hunch he was involved but couldnt put it together. Without going into detail, we realized there was NO WAY my mother couldve taken her life the way she did alone. She had to have assistance. Well, his answer didnt sit well at all. My brother lunged at my stepdad. Me and my sister in law were trying to get between them while screaming for Sean to come in there. He was entertaining the kids in the living room. My stepsisters husband jumped up which was pointless. A 50 something yr old dude gonna fight my pissed off 30 something yr old Colombian brother. Not so much. Sean came in, grabbed my brother and dragged him out of the house. We gathered the kids and left. During this time, before the drama, my sister in law found a journal on mom's computer that she kept. She printed it out so we could all have a copy. There, we saw how miserable she was on a daily basis. How depressed she was and how she just wanted it to end. Well after things calmed down, we were correct. My stepfather assisted my mother in killing herself. It turned out that in February, she ordered a book called "The Final Exit". A book about painless suicide. She told Bob not tell us. Well FUCK THAT. He shouldve told HER children her plans. All the drama had subsided and I had voiced days later that I wanted to go through Mom's things to get some things to keep for my children. That caused a shitstorm of its own. It turned out that my sister and I went over there. Bob had my mom's belongings laid out in the sun room like a fucking garage sale. It was pretty disgusting to see. I took some of Mom's things but I was specifically looking for a multi carat diamond ring that my grandma had given my mom. Bob had "no idea" what I was talking about. That was a total crock of shit. It came time for me to leave the house and leave town. I looked at Bob and said "Im sorry but to me, you will always be the man that killed my mom". He said "I dont want to be that". Oh well, it is what it is. I left and that was the last time I was ever at Mom's house. The house I grew up in.

The weeks and months that followed were kind of a blur. Her will came out and was probated, etc. It was then that we finally knew my mom's true feelings. She left Bob the house that was paid off, their joint checking and savings accounts and THAT WAS IT. She left all of her investments and her money to us 4 kids. She left her life insurance and her pension to the grandkids. 

We got back home and we had to prepare to PCS to Fort Polk, La. Sean was able to defer his orders a couple of months because I had no idea what I would need to do as far as her estate or legal things associated with her passing. We were only 4 hours from Atlanta at this time at Fort Stewart, Ga. 

In July, we moved. Thats about the time when all of the will and legalities began. My stepfather started to come at us with "reasons" he needed money. Well, seeing that we never got along, how he made my mother miserable, it was a big NOPE! The 4 of us agreed to pay for the funeral. How he came up with a $20K amount is beyond me but as it was we paid him that amount. After that, contact was hardly ever. I knew that in a year, I would have to see him again when we went back for Mom's headstone dedication (Its Jewish tradition). 

When we went back in 2010, it was a wonderful gathering. The 10 grandkids all putting rocks around her marker. The family and close friends just being together and remembering her. It turns out that my stepdad picked out her marker. We were pissed for many reasons. It was plain, simple and never mentioned being  a "loving sister" as her and my aunt were best friends. The marker also had room for my stepfather's name. As it turned out, they purchased a plot together. When I would go to the cemetary, I covered his side because he didnt deserve to be buried next to Mom.

The Aftermath

As time went on, Mom was never far from my mind, my heart, my conversations, etc. In 2012, we got orders to move to Fort Hood, Texas. We went to Georgia in 2013. I havent been back since then. The kids have a few times. They have my ex's side of the family there. 

When I think about it, I have NEVER grieved losing my mother. I never broke down. There have been times when its almost happened but Ive stopped myself. I feel like if I do, I will never stop crying. Instead, I talk about her, I remember her every single day. Throughout the years, Ive come to a place of being completely lost. Since she died, Ive had NO ONE to to let me know if Im making the right decisions in life. NO ONE to show me the unconditional love and acceptance that only a mother can give. I had to learn to trust my own decisions and trust that she would be proud of them. Relationships dwindled within our family through the years. As a matter of fact, after my mother's dedication in 2010, I had not spoken to my stepdad at all. None of us really have, except David...and even that wasnt very often. 

Mom was the foundation of our family. We got together for her and because of her. After she died, there was no one to keep it together. I tried and tried but in the end, it didnt work. You could call it "family drama" but to me, it just is what it is. I no longer talk to my brother, David. Mark is just doing his own thing and currently, my sister and I arent speaking except for text arguments here and there. Some of the reasons for this are in my previous blogs. The one thought that runs through my mind DAILY is "If Mom were here, NONE of this would be happening". There is no one to mediate. There is no one to call out the others. There is no "reason" to make things better. I honestly think I have struggled with this the most. My siblings have a very selfish way about them and if it doesnt affect them or their lives, its easy to just blow off and forget. I take on everyone's feelings and emotions. I made the decision to cut off the people in my life that cant accept me or appreciate me for who I am. I wont be taken for granted or treated like crap anymore. I wont tolerate certain behaviors from people. I became selfish in the sense that MY family and my sanity had to come first.

9 yrs later. Today. I sit here in my home in Texas. Preparing for my youngest to graduate high school. Just one more event that Mom will be missing. Thankfully Brandy will be wearing Mom's pearls at Graduation just as Bailey did at hers in 2015. I have no desire to ever go back to Georgia. The ONLY reason I want to go is to visit Mom. My siblings and my aunt dont ever go, which angers me to no end. I would give anything to be able to go sit with her whenever I wanted to. Our family is no longer. There is so much anger and resentment from everyone towards everyone, its unfixable. Too many hurtful things have been said and done. Im struggling with accepting all of this. But I will, in time. On New Years Eve, I got a text...not even a phone call...from my sister. She heard from our brother, through text, that Bob (our stepdad) had died. No other details. Not even a date of when he passed. So I did some digging, called my aunt and got the details. Apparently, he had cancer that was removed. It came back aggressively and he passed away at home on Dec 27, 2017. He had his adult children there. I never stayed in contact with them either. I was feeling some kind of way when I heard this. I hated this man. I wished bad things on him for the way he treated us and the way he treated Mom and finally, for assisting Mom is her suicide. I wasnt sad but I wasnt happy. I was even annoyed that he was being buried next to Mom. I found his obit and it was obviously written by his daughter...barely mentioned Mom and only mentioned our first names. Its whatever and I dont even care about it. I did the cordial thing and even sent flowers and a sympathy card to his kids and grandkids when I found out. I can say that with him gone, most of the anger Ive had towards him is gone. I cant hate him anymore. Honestly, I just picture my mom berating the hell out of him in the afterlife and it is deserved. I know she will deal with him now.

It took me so long to come to terms and accept why Mom chose to end her own life. It was so selfish. How could she leave us like that?! I get it now. I understand how with her unexplained illness and pain, she could never live her life dependent on anyone because that just wasnt her. The time that she did this, all of her children were in a stable place in their lives. That explains the serenity I felt from her the last time I saw before she passed. She prepared for this and prepared for her kids and grandkids to be taken care of. She had actually changed her will a few months prior. She had it all under control and handled, for lack of better terms. I resented Bob all this time because he shouldve and couldve done more to make her life easier. He couldve helped more than he did. Every single day I wish Mom was here. Life for all of us would be so different than it is today. I have her cookbook collection and as many times as Ive tried, I cant bring myself to look through them. I have a box full of her things and I go through it once a year however, when I start to lose it, I close it up and compose myself. I have a few of her clothing items that just hang in the closet. I have my memories. Im so scared that one day, those will fade.

 My mother wanted me. She chose me. She handpicked me out of the other kids in that orphanage. She spent her life trying to make me feel wanted, even if others never did. For that, I am grateful. She was the best hands on grandmother ever! Her grandkids were literally her main JOY. When I had Brittany, her first grandchild, I never imagined that she could and would be such an amazing grandmother. Im so glad she had the years that she did with them. 

There are just so many questions that I need answers to. I need reassurance from the only person that I believed in without a doubt. I need guidance. I need to know if Im living the right way. Raising my kids the right way. Making her proud. A huge part of me feels like I am but there will always be that piece that is left wondering. I know she is at peace and pain free. Sometimes I struggle with if she is truly watching over us. I want to believe this so I do. I want to believe that when I think of her and talk to her, she knows and she hears me. It feels like every day, I wait for some sign from her that everything will be ok. Sometimes little things happen and sometimes nothing happens. I just have to have faith that Im doing the best I can. I have to believe that she IS proud of me. Life must go on and although every day is a struggle without her, I have to keep living and moving forward.  All of the things and events that she's missed, the kids growing up..it breaks my heart to think about it. That is where I am today. Lots of heartbreak of everything that has transpired since she passed. Ive begun to grieve her, little bits at a time but I always stop myself. I dont feel like I can handle all of the emotion that comes along with it. I pride myself with the strength I have. Not many people see me break down. I dont allow myself to break down. Something deep inside stops me from doing it. Im scared to do it. Im scared to go through the emotions it will bring out. Im scared of the aftermath of it all. I shed a few tears, cry it out for a few and let it go. I pray that one day, I am able to fully deal with this the right way. For now, I will keep remembering her. I will live each day the way I need to. Whatever happens between my siblings and I will just happen. I know Ive done all I could without losing myself completely. This is life today for me. Lots of questions and lots of confusion. Thankfully, I have distractions to keep me from totally going insane. 

What will happen from this point on? I have NO CLUE! The future scares me. Feeling alone scares me. Knowing I dont have that ONE person in my life anymore scares me. Im almost 50 yrs old and all I can do is live life each day and whatever happens, happens. My family turmoil may never be fixed. Like Ive learned to accept and somewhat deal with Mom's death, I will learn to accept and adapt to this.

Let me add that this life altering situation has made me view suicide from a totally different viewpoint. Since this happened, Ive had friends that have commited suicide, attempted suicide and had thought of suicide. This is NOT the answer. I feel sad when anyone feels like this is their only option. HOWEVER, for my mother, I understood. I really had no choice but to put myself in her situation. For me to be able to move on, I had to accept this. Its a touchy subject for me. Its a sensitive subject for me. If anyone ever feels like this is the only way out of your situation or problems, get in touch with me. I can guarantee I can help you find other ways to cope. Suicide is nothing to take lightly. Sadly, I had to find out the hard way.