"EX" Doesn't Have To Be An Ugly Word

This week has been an emotional and busy one. Decorating for the holidays...I realized how different this year is, especially because my girls' Nana has passed.

She is my ex mother in law. The Brown/Burgess family are my ex inlaws. But, that doesnt have to mean "ex" in an ugly way, as sometimes is the case.

A little history.....Michael is my ex husband. We were together/married from 1991 until I left him in 2002 and our divorce was final in 2006. Our marriage was anything but a fairy tale. Full of violence, dysfunction and terrible memories. However, the POSITIVE things I gained will last me a lifetime...which are of course, the 3 daughters we created and his family. 

I felt a part of his family as soon as we started seeing each other. Nana and Papa were always welcoming and included me in everything from the start. Even having my own Christmas stocking from the beginning. His sister, brother and the rest of the family became my family. All of the years he was incarcerated and was not there for holidays, birthdays, etc...I was. I realized early on how important families are and that his family was a HUGE part of my life, as well as the girls' lives. My baby shower in 1994 was the first time I met the extended Burgess/Brown family. I didnt know any of the women there lol but I learned who each person was, how they were related and to this day, I can still say I talk to them on FB or when I saw them all in September. Kind, God fearing, faithful family oriented, loving, people. 

I was there to help raise and take part in the lives of his niece and nephew. Ashtin and Joseph were babies practically. Ashtin was barely 2 when I met them! When I had my babies, she was 5. From that point, I couldnt have known what a special part of our lives that she would become. She helped me with ALL of my babies more than any cousin should have. In that time, a special relationship blossomed. Not only were my girls her first best friends, her first cousins...they would go on to all grow up and truly stay the BEST of friends. She is now 28, the amazing mother of 3 herself and I truly consider her family. She is my niece. Not my ex niece. I love her like my own, I yell at her like my own and I am forever grateful for the child and woman she was and has become. Watching Joseph grow up and get his life in order has been a blessing in itself.

My "ex" sister in law...nope! She is my sister in law. My girls are her only blood related nieces (or nephews). We have been through everything! Fought like sisters, tolerated each other when we didnt want to and loved a whole lot more than anything. Especially as we've gotten older. She is the best aunt to the girls. She is the most loyal sister in law I couldve asked for. In 1996, she did something that opened my eyes to what I meant to her....At Christmas, the family get together at Nana and Papas...she saw Michael get violent with me in a back room. I didnt know she saw it. Next thing we know, her and her brother are trading punches in the kitchen which turned into her husband and Michael fighting in the driveway. It happened because she had my back in a bad situation. From that day forward, I knew she would be there for me whenever I needed her. God forgive the idiot who chooses to mess with her nieces! She is a a spitfire like Papa but has a heart of gold, like Nana.

His brother Ashley was more of a dad to the girls when they were babies than Michael was. While Michael was out gallivanting, not caring about his family...Ashley was the one who brought me diapers and milk when I needed it. Ashley would go to the ends of the earth for anyone. One of the biggest hearts EVER! He is my brother in law. Always has been and always will. The girls ADORE him to this day and so do I! He would give the shirt off his back for anyone. His heart is as big as they come. Definitely has part of Nana in him!

Michele...the girls' great aunt...Not only was Brittany named after her, she married Michael and I! Ive always looked at her like I would an aunt. She knows me well so she knows exactly when to shoot me down and when to laugh and agree with me. The memories she shares with us from the older years are priceless. I could listen to her stories about the time she grew up for days!

Nana....what a saint. Im so glad I named Brandy after her! What a tolerant, faith driven amazing woman she was. I dont like calling her my ex mother in law. I just call her Nana! The last time I spoke to her was a few weeks before she passed. NOT ONCE, did she forget to end our conversations with an "I LOVE YOU, HUN". I remember years and years of the girls growing when I would randomly call her just to update on what my girls were up to. I also called her when the girls needed a soft but stern speaking to because they werent listening to me lol  She taught me so much about life. How to take care of babies, how to cook, how to be a wife among many other things. The influence she has on me still applies to my life today. 28 years after I met her. She knew how much I loved her and how much she always meant to me. Of course, she nagged and complained but what mother in law doesnt?! I love that woman with my whole heart and her impact will live on through me and my girls forever.

She wrote Sean a letter some years back, thanking him for taking care of her grandbabies and said she is "forever in his debt"...that is just the kind of woman she was. She was well aware her own son was a shitty father, husband, etc...BUT she never gave up on him, was there for him even when everyone told her he didnt deserve it. Yet, she took time to thank my current husband like that. 

When I left Michael finally, there was a very short time where the family was disappointed in me. VERY SHORT! A lot of families that break up make the choice to exclude the ex's family completely. That thought NEVER crossed my mind. It would have been so selfish of me to take away the love of this family from my girls. To deny them the family that is rightfully theirs.  Its not their fault my marriage didnt work. So that was never even a consideration for me. The girls and the Browns have ALWAYS stayed close. ALWAYS been knee deep involved and a part of each other's lives. Taken part in so many milestones in their lives. Granted, Michael always being in jail made this much easier, but even when he is out...the relationship WE have with the family has never faltered. To this day, now that my girls are adults...they are grateful to me for never keeping them from their family.

How fortunate am I to have an extended family in my life that didnt necessarily have to happen?! When Nana passed in September, I didnt have a second thought of going to Georgia for her funeral. We had somewhat prepared for this for a few years, only because she was aging and it was inevitably going to be her time. As soon as we get the news...almost immediately after she passed, my main concern was being there for my girls and for the family. Sandy, Michele, Ashtin...ALL OF THEM. We got to Georgia and it felt like old times. Sandy stated she wanted me with the family at the service. Without mentioning it, I cant even tell you how much that meant to me. We spent the week with family and it was like nothing has changed. Still close as ever. As her services happened, extended family and family friends that I hadnt seen in YEARS came up to me and were just sweet as can be. Showed me that they remembered me, even liked me and loved my kids. Ive always loved the extended family and going to the annual Burgess reunions was one of my favorite memories of when my kids were babies. 

Papa...the stubborn, rough exterior, doesnt take any bs, outspoken, total southern to the core man he was. I saw that side but our family was so lucky to see a complete different side. He (and Nana) had such a softness, such a vulnerability when it came to ALL their babies. He was the sweetest, most spoiling Papa ever! He is THE Papa that would sneak candy to the babies because they wanted it. Memories of babies on his lap in his recliner just rocking them to sleep. Protective as all get out! He loved Nana more than life. Being a part of their 50th wedding anniversary vow renewal family pictures  meant the world to me. Michael was "away", Brittany was just a baby. He has left quite a legacy and I see him and Nana in my girls every day. Not to mention in Sandy, Ashtin, Joseph and the rest of the family.  Brandy was a baby when he passed but today, she can tell you what kind of man he was, stories that she was told her entire life. She may not remember him but through this family, she knows what a special man their Papa was.

Decorating my tree, I surprisingly got so emotional. Every year since all the babies (even my generation and before), Nana made ornaments for everyone. I have the ones she made for my girls. Putting them up, I can remember each year she gave each one to them. Christmas was everyone's favorite time of year. Christmas at Nana's. Waking up Christmas morning to presents spread out on her couch for the girls from Santa. Her breakfast casserole she made every year. The ham...OH THE HAM!!! When we moved away from Georgia in 2009, I know the girls missed Christmas with the Browns terribly. I did too but not like they did. Knowing that Christmas wont ever be the same again is heartbreaking. Since we moved, EVERY Christmas (Easter, Mothers Day, etc) morning, I always tell my girls "make sure you call Nana". This year I cant say that. But I CAN tell them to make sure they call their Aunt Sandy and Aunt Michele. Traditions will live on. 

I consider myself so lucky to have an additional family still in my life to call my own. They arent "exes". I hate that word. They are just FAMILY. I speak to all of them regularly...my girls do too. Ashtin is still their best friend and the bond that these 4 girls have now is such a beautiful thing to witness. I know Nana and Papa are looking down on their family and would be proud of how strong everyone is. Memories flood our minds, love fills our hearts. While the holidays will never be the same...Joseph said something to me the other day...he said "We will still have great family gatherings"...SO TRUE!! 

My ex husband is my ex for a reason. GOOD reasons...but his family is my family. Always have been and always will be. They have included my current husband from day one. They love him like their own. What more can I ask for?

I shed tears when I think of how much Nana (and Papa) are missed but I am so appreciative of everything they have done for me the last 28 years...the love and lessons they instilled in my daughters.  The lessons they taught me! The faith in God they had lets me know without a doubt that they are in heaven, together again, keeping watch over all of us and smiling.  

28 years as a part of this family. Such a blessing, such a special group of people. I could not have wished for a better family for my daughters. Just because they have nothing to do with Michael, they never have really...that doesnt mean that they cant have anything to do with his family...their family...the family they were born from and into. My girls have so much love from them that it overflows and completely compensates for what they have never received from their own biological "father". 

Since Nana has passed, Ive noticed a change. Sandy, Ashtin, my girls...I can see that they look at life differently. They see it through Nana's eyes and they try to live life the way she would want. 

Bailey is a carbon copy of Nana. Her mannerisms, her emotions, her heart, her compassion. I am very grateful for that! EVERYONE told her how much she was like Nana and I know how much she loves that and takes pride in it. We even compared younger photos of Nana to her and she has a lot of her features. I know Bay takes so much pride in this as well as the rest of the family.

Holidays will be different but there will never be a lack of love and family. Being raised Jewish, the Brown family showed me what family and Christmas time means. 

Im the one who is forever in THEIR debt!

Nana and Papa, you are loved and missed more than you know. Your memory and legacy will carried on through generation after generation of the family YOU created!! Never far from our thoughts and ALWAYS IN OUR HEARTS! 

My Letter To Mom

Dear Mom,

Its been almost 10 yrs since you left us. Since you took yourself from us. While I finally understand why, it still hurts like it was yesterday. Yes, you made sure your kids and grandkids were stable in their lives...you left us a legacy that will live on...you provided financial means for all of us..but the physical pain of you not being here is unbearable at times.

I think of you EVERY single day. Random thoughts as I cook, bake, see something or hear something that reminds me of you. I think about how you would handle things that come up. What advice you would give. Although I try my hardest to do right by you, I fail at times. We mention you pretty much every day.

Everything that youve missed. Your grandkids' Graduations, Bailey's wedding, meeting her amazing husband. The guidance Brittany could have used in her adult life from you. Brandy growing into the exact replica of me. The transition that Sean made from Soldier to civilian. Our life in Louisiana ans Texas. Among all of the other events and life that has happened in the last 10 yrs.

Life has changed so much. Sometimes I think that things wouldnt be like this if you were still here. The dysfunction with David and his poor decisions. The rift with him and I. Mark being so lost and confused in his life. Esther and her life...you would be proud of her. She has taken on your role of being there for your sister, trying her best to keep family traditions going. All of our kids miss you so much. Im grateful my girls had the memories they have with you. All of the time you spent with them. All of the love you showed. It will stay with them forever.

For me personally...I am just crushed without you. Recently, Brandy and I went through a rough spot. It brought me back to you and I when I was growing up. I dont like to think about the bad stuff. I dont like to think of the dysfunction in our own family. I want to remember you being the supportive mother I had as an adult. The AMAZING grandmother you were. The loving mother in law you were. As an adult..when you died, I was scared. I had to solely depend on my decisions in life and trust that I was doing things right. I no longer had you to guide me, advise me, help me through the rough spots. Today, that is one thing I miss so much. Would you be proud of how I turned out? Would you be proud of how the girls were raised? All I can do now is feel confident that Im doing the best I can and yes, you would be proud. Im not perfect and of course there are things you would yell at me for, you would be disappointed in...but I cant beat myself up for that anymore.

You would be 73 years old. I wonder what kind of grandmother you wouldve been. How you wouldve handled watching time go by, watching all the kids become adults. Life is so different now. Yesterday, I found a pair of your earrings in Brandy's room and I cleaned them. I had flashbacks of when you wore them. I took out your engagement ring. I wonder if you would still be married to Bob today. Hes gone now too. Hes buried with you. We havent spoken to him since you passed but if I know you, as soon as he passed...you were right there bitching and nagging him like always...like he deserved. You shocked us with your will but it finally gave us all a sense of your true feelings about your marriage. I want to thank you for doing what you felt was necessary to give the 4 of us a family after Dad left. Bob was not the best, he was the worst in a lot of ways...but you sacrificed your true happiness so we could have a family.When he passed last year, I let go of all the hate Ive felt. I felt pity for him. Now I rarely think of him at all.

Esther and I had a rough patch but all is good now. She is the only one who can relate to my feelings about you on every level. We talk about you all the time. David and Mark live their lives how they choose but her and I will always remain close...because of you. Bryce is doing amazing. The other kids are all thriving. I cant help but know that their lives would be so much richer if you were here.

It took me a lot of years to accept what you did and why. Its taken me a lot longer to be ok with it all. The feelings of anger I had are gone. You are pain free..you are at peace and you trusted we would be ok. I was scared that memories would fade. NOT EVEN CLOSE!

I will never forget the last time I saw you. You were so serene. You had me lay in your lap like I did when I was little and you stroked my hair. You took in everything more than usual. You were calm. This was 2 weeks before you did what you did. Im sure you had it planned at this time but you were so loving. Im so grateful you had that last week with my girls.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed and feel like I cant do life anymore. But I can. I have you looking out for me, I have you looking out for my family and I need to live my life how you wouldve wanted. Im sorry I couldnt help you more than I did. Im sorry I couldnt take your pain away. Im sorry that you did the only thing you felt you could. Im sorry you arent here today. No, I dont blame myself and I dont blame you. I blame Bob but now thats he gone, I cant even do that anymore. It is what it is and life has to go on. The memories are priceless. The lessons you taught all of us are immeasurable. The legacy you left will go on forever, through each generation. You will always be remembered as a loving mother and grandmother. You put everyone else before you. You cared more than people deserved and you never gave up. Thats right, you may have taken your own life but it was because you didnt want to burden anyone, so again...you cared for others more than yourself to the very end. You are and always will be the most selfless person I will ever know. I pray some of your traits have been passed down to us.

I love you so much. I miss you every second of every day. Please continue to watch over us. Please send signs that you are with us. You are gone physically but you will never be gone from the depths of my soul and my heart. I am who I am because of you...Im grateful for our time, Im grateful that you adopted me and you are the only mother I'll ever know. The anger, frustration and resentment are gone. Its all about love and forgiveness...because that is what I envision you would want. ALL of us will be ok. ALL of us will continue living...ALL of us will get through each trial and tribulation that comes along...you didnt raise us to be weak.

I pray you hear me when I talk to you. I will never stop.

I LOVE YOU!

Love,
Brooke

The LAST Word

Ive spent way too much of my time stressing over this. NO MORE!


I’m the reason my mom took her life. 

My ex husband didn’t kill me. Hate to disappoint this piece of shit. 

He’s a minority yet calls me a racial slur and I ruined my mother’s life. Yes I left his name so there is no mistake who this is from...I couldve left his business phone number and contact info but for now, I wont. Those that know him, know who he is and what he does and where.

I woke up with these statements ringing in my ear. Over and over again. Statements degrading my character, lies about my life, berating me, disrespecting my kids and my husband, things worse than you would wish on your worst enemy. Causing me to doubt the love my mother and aunt had and have for me, etc. Yesterday was hell. Today is a new day. I give no fucks about this person. I give no fucks who knows about this person and sadly I say, I only wish the worst for this person. It takes a really big piece of shit to allow these things and worse to be said to anyone, much less a family member.

While these things hurt to read, I’ve made the decision to consider the source and wash my hands of this altogether. Not saying Karma won’t get him in the end  but saying that I will no longer waste my emotion or energy on an individual that is so miserable he can’t see straight. I have a couple of amazing family members, the most supportive best friends anyone could wish for, 3 beautiful successful daughters and a loving husband. Life is too short to spend it stressing over shit that doesn’t matter. People that have no effect or relevance in your life. I could totally let this break me. I could easily get depressed and sit in this and read the emails over and over again, wondering how my brother and I got to this point. FUCK THAT!!! This is him. This is who he is and his issues and guilt and his inability to be decent is solely on him. I will not let this stop me from being the caring, thoughtful, good person that I am. No way in hell am I going to give this bastard or his girlfriend power over my emotions or me at all. Today, I am the strong, willful, determined badass that Ive always been. My life is great..ok, I miss my husband but...my kids are great and my circle of people are amazing. This deployment has had me at a breaking point but I got myself out of it every time. If it werent for my select friends, it couldve gotten bad. Having a strong, unconditional support system is everything. 

Today I choose happy. I will surround myself with my positive people. I will be grateful for the life I have. I will spread love and joy to those who need it and I will take care of me. I cant and wont depend on others to fix me. I have the tools, I will execute what I know. I know deep in my soul the relationship I had with my mother and NO ONE will discount that or take that away from me. Especially not some psychotic fucktard with anger and guilt issues. 

Ive spoken to my attorney in Ga and if this evil person wants to pursue a lawsuit against me, good luck lol His emails are enough to make him look like the losing idiot he truly is. Ive spoken to our aunt and she helped me see a lot. No one in our family is taking sides as I dont expect them to. But now they are aware and saw with their own eyes what a hateful person he is. 

Life for me will continue. I have some amazing things coming up. Most important, my husband will be home soon..if only for a month but I will take what I can get. He will be home for Christmas for the first time in 3 years...I hope! I got some great news yesterday that a very special person in my life may be moving here. That right there is a sign from God! My girls lives are kicking ass and exciting things are going on with them. Today happens to be my 12 yr Engagement Anniversary so today is about PURE LOVE! No time and no need for the anger and sorrow! I feel free and I feel good. I will cap this day off by going out to do a little Christmas shopping because buying things for my kids and making them smile is my favorite thing in the world! Yall have a great week!! Happy Halloween!

MY TRIBE

Friendships come in ALL different ways. You have people you know, acquaintances, friends, close friends, BFFs, BFFL and THE Bestie (yes, these are all different lol) In my old age, Ive had a lot of reality checks about these types of relationships in my life. A lot of lessons learned, a lot of knowledge that I try to pass on to my daughters. No thanks to social media and this world that revolves around technology, friendships are much easy to begin and grow....or fade out and end. 

As a teenager, I was a social butterfly. I didnt have a true BFF or Bestie. I was everyone's friend or acquaintance...of course I was, I was at parties every weekend! I just went the flow and didnt invest too much of me into any one person. I had people that I hung out with regularly but no one that I had this lifetime, special bond with. With social media, of course Ive connected with 100s of friends from high school and Im all cool with them. I respect them, communicate with them and its awesome to connect after all these years and Im thankful for that. 

Lets fast forward to the last 15 yrs of my life. As a new Army girlfriend then wife..with social media making a HUGE impression on life as we know it... I put myself out there to meet new people. People that could relate and teach me about this new way of life. As you will read, my life has been forever impacted by the people Ive met, the friends Ive lost and the lessons I learned.

My first few years in this Army life, I met a BUNCH of ladies from a Fort Stewart Facebook group. We all decided to meet for lunch one day. I kid you not, there were probably about 15 women there, or more. For me, it was awkward. I wasnt one to go out and meet up with a bunch of strangers but I knew it would be good for me so I went. we all met and got along and I scoped out who I thought I would click with. This group of ladies had more get togethers. Some involved our families and some didnt but it was fun! It was nice sharing laughs and sharing our similar lives together. As time went on, the ladies found out who they could relate to and who they couldnt but there was no bad blood. We all got along. Then of course, drama ensued. As it usually does with women. Different bullshit went on and there were she said she said moments, arguing, just stupid drama. This was 2006 and as of today, I still talk to maybe a handful of these girls. I would consider these women good friends, lifelong friends and some acquaintances. Some I cant stand and dont waste my time on whatsoever, Ive kicked those people to the curb. I dont have the time or energy for bullshit friendships or fake ass people. If you cant add anything worthwhile to my life, I dont need you in it. Honestly, the reason I probably still communicate with a majority of the ones I do is because of Facebook. Facebook has made friendships SO LAZY! Im guilty of it too. You keep up with everyone's lives reading their FB status or posts but you never actually text or talk on the phone. Its not a bad thing and Im grateful for a platform like FB for that reason, alone.

In 2007, I was adjusting to this Army Wife Life pretty good. Learning the dos and donts and everything in between. In 2007, the ENTIRE 3rd Infantry Division deployed. What did that mean? An entire Army town filled with bored Army wives lol Through friends, I met an ENTIRE different group of ladies. It was amazing! We had kids the same age, we had A LOT in common with each other, they were around my age and we werent about the she said she said bullshit,or so I thought at the time lol. It was refreshing. During this time, we had so many great times! Dinners out, themed parties, lunches, school programs, play dates, birthday parties, holiday celebrations, pool days...so much fun! Our kids went to school together..it was amazing. This group of ladies were my thing. Some were closer than others, but we all got along wonderfully. When the guys came home from a 14 mth deployment, it was even better! Families getting together for festivals, LOTS of dinners out..hanging out in the parking lot socializing, kids playing for what seemed like hours. Us women ALWAYS had what we called "photo shoots" where ever we went. I LOVED these families with all of my heart. Eventually, we all broke into "groups" I guess you could say...I found MY people and stuck with them. When the guys got back, PCS orders were handed out and we were all about to separated. PCSing is part of this life. It happens but you find out then, that no matter the distance, TRUE FRIENDSHIPS stand the test of distance and time. Some people fell out, some didnt and the ones that didnt, I can say to this day...they are like true family. Spats and drama will happen but these special ones, nothing can tear you apart. Because the bond you share could never be broken.

We all went our separate ways. However, my family was SO fortunate to get stationed at the same place our BESTIES were! We were SO excited. While Ft Polk is the armpit of the Army, we KNEW we could make it with them by being with us. We also had some very close friends that got orders there so we werent too disappointed because we had our Fort Stewart family at Ft Puke with us. Ohhh the glorious feeling I got when the housing we got was the next street over from our Besties! Seriously, this made life worthwhile while living in HELL. As I lived there, as the kids met other kids, more people were added to my life. My kids' friends' parents, etc. I was the hostess with the mostest there. I had parties all the time. People over constantly. Birthday parties were HUGE! I went all out. Of course I still kept in contact with the few people I was at Stewart with because those are the ones that matter to me. They were stationed elsewhere but our bonds never faltered. Not only did I have my BESTIE FOR THE RESTIE at Polk with me, I met my BFFL. I met her through my kid and we clicked instantly!

#SOULSISTERS

I think it was around 2010, maybe 2011..my BESTIE and I had a falling out. It was stupid and the cause is seriously a blur. It had to do with our young kids at the time but I dont dwell on it because that had to be one of the most devastating events in my life. Literally. She came to my house and we had a confrontation in my front yard and our 7 kids saw and heard it all. I remember choking back tears and I kneeled down to give her 3 yr old a birthday gift I had gotten her. I told her that I loved her and to be a good girl with my voice cracking. I just remember going back in my house crying. My heart was broken and I had NO idea how it got this point. Shortly after this, they got orders back to Fort Stewart. I also somehow found out she was pregnant with her 5th daughter. When I found out, I was crushed. I couldnt share this joy with her. I couldnt celebrate another beautiful baby girl with her and her family. After she left, I was withdrawn some and I stuck to the few friends I trusted and was ok with but I was crushed. My BFFL hung out every other day. We shared the rest of our time at Polk together. We became sisters. Then THEY got orders to PCS. They were headed to Fort Hood. When she left, I was done. Like REALLY done. I isolated myself and just didnt care about much from that point. I had friends but it wasnt the same as having my BESTIE and my 

As the years passed, I missed my BESTIE more than you could imagine. Losing her affected me in so many ways. Since that happened, I always felt like something was missing from my life. I never felt complete again and I closed myself off from people more than ever. At Fort Hood, I had NO desire to put myself out there and meet new people. Yes, I had to but I couldnt bring myself to fully invest into any relationships. I had my BFFL and that was enough for me..until she left. Through these years, since our falling out, I talked to a mutual friend that we had. She is also my BESTIE, total sisters. (I'll refer to her as CG and my Bestie that I had a falling with as MB.) So every time CG and I talked, MB got brought up because I was just SO DOWN and missed her so much. I kind of knew what was going on in her life because like any "normal" person, I would look at her family's social media. But I never had the guts to reach out. CG knew how I felt, she knew the bond MB and I had and she was there to talk me through it. Like literally, my heart ached. She empathized with me and through it all, I felt loved and secure in OUR friendship. I knew she was my SOUL SISTER for life. We've been there for each other through some major times and to this day, we may not talk alot but the love never dwindles and if we need each other, we are there. Period. Thats the kind of person CG is. Love her with my whole heart.

BESTIES FOR THE RESTIE

I didnt know if MB ever thought about me or even missed me. I figured I just didnt exist to her or her family. Until 2016...she liked a pic of mine on Instagram. I immediately panicked. It had been SO many years that had gone by. I called CG and freaked. Did she mean to do that?! Was this an olive branch?! This HAD to be a mistake!! Like WHAT?! I literally felt like our friendship was dead to her and she moved on not looking back. I was hurting for years but she never knew that. So after I got my pulse back..I decided to put my pride aside and reach out to her. I emailed her a long email telling her that I wasnt sure if it was a mistake but I was pleasantly surprised. I apologized for any part I had in our falling out, I told her how often I thought of her and I missed her and her family. She had the baby and it killed me that I missed out on that and missed out on all of her kids' lives...who I loved and love like my own. I told her that Ive felt a void in my life and that void was her. Thankfully, she responded. I was scared to open it because I was expecting a polite "fuck off forever" kind of thing lol I think I was in tears the 2nd line down. She told me she was so glad I reached out, shes missed me and my family, how we were ALWAYS family, etc. We agreed that our falling out was ridiculously about our kids..who were barely teens at the time...now they are ADULTS! Graduated and mine is married! I dont think my heart couldve filled up anymore than it did as I read that email. It was OVERFLOWING, as was my face with tears. We replied back and forth for a bit. I immediately called my husband and my girls and CG and told them that MB and I were good! The best part about that is that my family AND CG knew how much I had missed her and our friendship and were elated for us. The friendship between our kids had faded and I sensed a feeling of relief from my girls. See, MB and I have 8 daughters between us. 7 back then. They are so alike as they are all just like their moms in that families stick together no matter what. Sadly, our kids felt like they couldnt continue friendships if their moms couldnt. Heartbreaking to know I put my girls through that. 

So MB and I added each other on social media. Shit, both of our families added everyone back on social media. It was SO FUCKING AMAZING! The 7 B's were back along with a new, spunky little H! i swear to God, we literally picked up like no time had gone by. It was YEARS but it felt like yesterday we were having a dinner party together. They are now in Oklahoma, only 5 hours away! We caught up on each other's lives and how much our babies have grown. The youngest B was barely walking when I saw her last...she has grown into this BEAUTIFUL little girl who is just the SWEETEST princess ever. All of our girls have grown but it feels like we never missed a beat. Her 3 youngest barely remember me (H has never met me) but today, they love me like Ive been there their entire lives. WE ARE BESTIES FOR THE RESTIE. WE ARE FAMILY. WE WILL NEVER LET OUR FRIENDSHIP OR LOVE FADE EVER AGAIN! Her life is so hectic as you can imagine with 5 daughters and a husband while mine is way less hectic with only one kid left at home..but this last year+ has been the BEST EVER! We have been there for each other through everything. We share things that only we can share with each other. The relationship we have with each other's babies hasnt faltered.We truly love each other's kids like our own. I just have to drive my lazy ass up to Okla so we can flood her house with all the tears that will be shed at our reunion. 

2 weeks after she had a baby..HOT AS FUCK!

MB and CG are truly MY TRIBE. We lift each other up. We are there at the drop of a dime if any of us needs an ear. We encourage each other to be the BEST BADASS PERSON we can be. We feed off each other's positivity and we tell the negativity to FUCK OFF. We can be 15000% honest about any and everything. When one of us is feeling shitty or in a negative place, the others bring out the best and see the positive. We share our ups and downs and everything in between. We can go years without seeing each other, we have! We can go months without talking on the phone and NOTHING changes. Our group texts make my heart full. The things we share are unreachable to most people. The PURE LOVE we have for each other is insurmountable. Since these 2 have been in my life, its FULL. The void I once had for so many years is overflowing with love for these women. No matter what or when or where, we are down like no others. EVERYONE NEEDS A BESTIE like we have. How can you live a full, grateful, amazing life without one?! Im grateful, blessed and knowing I always have these 2 in my corner makes me the happiest! When I feel alone and like I have no one, I KNOW I have these girls. Its all I really need. So that saying 

"Sometimes your circle decreases in size but increases in value"

could not be more true. 

Ive learned alot about friendships since Ive gotten older. You dont need a shit ton of friends. You dont need to have 20 women who are you BFFs. You need a few that you know will be there and who get you. You need a few #SoulSisters. You cant surround yourself with negativity. You cant constantly let the joy be sucked out of you by other people. I need strong, confident, assertive women around me. Because that's how I strive to be. I need women that help me grow and that I help grow. I need women that get me. Make progress in your life, make good choices and decisions. Dont sit on your pity pot for any amount of time. Be around who you want to be. Be with those that support you and will grow with you. Be with women who empower you and bring out your absolute best. Women who share your highs and lows with the same emotion you do. 

So go out and find your tribe. Make sure they are worth your time, your emotion and your heart. When you have a tribe, you are never alone and you will always have ones that have your back...FOREVER.

MY TRIBE

Parking Lot Photo Shoots (Baby Bean in MB's tummy)

Disconnection

This saying could not be more true.....Its happened to my marriage many times in the 13 years we've been together.

At this moment, the disconnection between us is REAL. I want to blame the deployment, I want to blame him. The bad thing is I DO blame him TO him. 

My husband isnt the most romantic, most mature man. I will blame his parents and the way he was raised and I will blame the Army and the fact that he was Infantry for 14 yrs. If you dont know, Infantry Soldiers aka Grunts are not known for their maturity levels...of course they arent stupid but if you know military people, you know they are foul, smartass, gross and immature as hell lol Its the just way they are. Ive fully accepted that in my husband. I will admit, he is freakin hilarious. His friends are great and funny as hell too. Here is where it gets hard for me...

I am 8.5 yrs older than him. As our marriage grew, as we grew..I feel like we grew in different ways. I had a lot of realizations as I entered my 40s. Hes not even 40 yrs old yet and then throw in the Grunt mentality..Lord help me.

As the years went on, we had major struggles and I literally had to tell him where I was at and how I needed him to be about certain things. It was all driving me crazy! Even to the point I wondered if there was an older man out there and I needed to be with because it seemed like my husband would never grow up.

So today...right before I started this, I hung up on his FT call and texted him

"Dont call me tonight or for a few days. I mean it"

So that is what I do when he annoys me to a point or pisses me off. Is that the right thing to do? Probably not. However, it saved me from screaming my head off and calling him all sorts of names and going postal....because that is what I do when Im pissed the hell off. What makes it worse, he just literally sits there with a blank look on his face with no emotion, no response, NOTHING. That in itself has ALWAYS pissed me off about him. His lack of response has caused major fights between us, while he was home AND deployed. Being deployed now, its different. We dont really get to resolve issues. He isnt here to where I can actually see a change. How it ends up is, he apologizes, I say things wont change and I am aggravated until eventually I see there is no point and it just gets dropped.

MY problem with that, it festers inside and I literally explode on his ass at least once a month. Usually when Im PMSing which he is on top of most of the time. He is very passive, too chill and puts off the feeling that he doesnt give a shit. He RARELY voices it, if he does at all. Hes just not that emotional, mushy, sweet talker kind of man. He was at one point but that was many many years ago. In the "honeymoon phase" of our relationship. 

The thing about his passiveness that is a POSITIVE is that he meshes so well with our girls. They go to him when they want calm advice, calm feedback or want to laugh. Dad is the good cop, Ive always been the bad cop. It works for me because he DOES support me and talks to the girls calmly but tells them exactly what I say in a different tone so they actually listen. So in that way, it works and we even each other out. We have our parental roles and the girls know who to go to for what.

What sucks about deployment disconnection...there is no kissing and making up. There is no comforting hugging or holding. There is obviously no makeup sex. So how the fuck do you resolve problems and work through them being 7600 miles apart for months on end???

In a few days, probably sooner because he is relentless about calling me daily. If I dont answer, or decline his call, he calls any or all of the girls to get me on the phone. Usually my youngest since she's at home with me and she brings her phone to me.I will calmly tell him why I got pissed, what annoys the fuck out of me, etc..he will say he's sorry. I will tell him this shit cant keep happening and he will say he understands and will work on it. Then it will be great for a few weeks until something else comes up. Welcome to my rollercoaster ride.

Stuff that DOESNT cross my mind when things are bad...Divorce. That is not an option. Its almost happened a few times but we both came to the conclusion a long time ago that we are forever. No matter what. There is no one else we would want to be pissed off at than each other, if that makes sense. Now will I make him sleep in the spare room and be a bitch for days on end when hes home? Fuck yes because Ive done it a few times before. But us actually separating and ending our marriage isnt an option. Our marriage may not be 100% jolly and happy but it works for us. Another thing that doesnt come to mind is distractions. No, neither of us are looking for distractions from our problems. There is 150% trust between us and we know without a doubt, its only us for each other. So he continues to work, I continue to be in a shitty mood. Usually very snappy with the kids. They call Dad to tell him to make things better because Mom is being a bitch, etc...

The disconnect is inevitable. We are literally worlds apart. Its figuring out how to deal with it without being destructive. Its about finding a way to communicate to your spouse about what's going on in a way they will listen and understand. So I need this few days to calm down, to realize that I do love him and that this is another thing we will get passed. The girls pretty much ALWAYS side with him which is annoying but also wonderful. I love the relationship he has with them. It has nothing to do with me but that is an entire other blog lol

Marriage is fucking HARD. Put distance in there, its harder! But it CAN be done and it CAN work. Its takes a lot but if youre in it 100%, things will always find a way. Its about having total faith in your partner and in what you share together. Its about knowing that you will grow old with this person. Accepting that neither of us is perfect. No where close. Also, no one else would put up with either of us except us.

Writing this blog has actually calmed me down but being a self righteous bitch in these situations, I probably still wont talk to him if he calls. Let him realize himself what made me angry. Let him think it over. Let me think about stuff. Then we will come together and laugh together and talk about our days, as usual.

LOVE ISN'T PERFECT, IT JUST HAS TO BE PERFECT FOR YOU.

If this is any indication what my husband is like, I just bought him this coffee mug and he LOVED it and was completely thrilled lol