"EX" Doesn't Have To Be An Ugly Word

This week has been an emotional and busy one. Decorating for the holidays...I realized how different this year is, especially because my girls' Nana has passed.

She is my ex mother in law. The Brown/Burgess family are my ex inlaws. But, that doesnt have to mean "ex" in an ugly way, as sometimes is the case.

A little history.....Michael is my ex husband. We were together/married from 1991 until I left him in 2002 and our divorce was final in 2006. Our marriage was anything but a fairy tale. Full of violence, dysfunction and terrible memories. However, the POSITIVE things I gained will last me a lifetime...which are of course, the 3 daughters we created and his family. 

I felt a part of his family as soon as we started seeing each other. Nana and Papa were always welcoming and included me in everything from the start. Even having my own Christmas stocking from the beginning. His sister, brother and the rest of the family became my family. All of the years he was incarcerated and was not there for holidays, birthdays, etc...I was. I realized early on how important families are and that his family was a HUGE part of my life, as well as the girls' lives. My baby shower in 1994 was the first time I met the extended Burgess/Brown family. I didnt know any of the women there lol but I learned who each person was, how they were related and to this day, I can still say I talk to them on FB or when I saw them all in September. Kind, God fearing, faithful family oriented, loving, people. 

I was there to help raise and take part in the lives of his niece and nephew. Ashtin and Joseph were babies practically. Ashtin was barely 2 when I met them! When I had my babies, she was 5. From that point, I couldnt have known what a special part of our lives that she would become. She helped me with ALL of my babies more than any cousin should have. In that time, a special relationship blossomed. Not only were my girls her first best friends, her first cousins...they would go on to all grow up and truly stay the BEST of friends. She is now 28, the amazing mother of 3 herself and I truly consider her family. She is my niece. Not my ex niece. I love her like my own, I yell at her like my own and I am forever grateful for the child and woman she was and has become. Watching Joseph grow up and get his life in order has been a blessing in itself.

My "ex" sister in law...nope! She is my sister in law. My girls are her only blood related nieces (or nephews). We have been through everything! Fought like sisters, tolerated each other when we didnt want to and loved a whole lot more than anything. Especially as we've gotten older. She is the best aunt to the girls. She is the most loyal sister in law I couldve asked for. In 1996, she did something that opened my eyes to what I meant to her....At Christmas, the family get together at Nana and Papas...she saw Michael get violent with me in a back room. I didnt know she saw it. Next thing we know, her and her brother are trading punches in the kitchen which turned into her husband and Michael fighting in the driveway. It happened because she had my back in a bad situation. From that day forward, I knew she would be there for me whenever I needed her. God forgive the idiot who chooses to mess with her nieces! She is a a spitfire like Papa but has a heart of gold, like Nana.

His brother Ashley was more of a dad to the girls when they were babies than Michael was. While Michael was out gallivanting, not caring about his family...Ashley was the one who brought me diapers and milk when I needed it. Ashley would go to the ends of the earth for anyone. One of the biggest hearts EVER! He is my brother in law. Always has been and always will. The girls ADORE him to this day and so do I! He would give the shirt off his back for anyone. His heart is as big as they come. Definitely has part of Nana in him!

Michele...the girls' great aunt...Not only was Brittany named after her, she married Michael and I! Ive always looked at her like I would an aunt. She knows me well so she knows exactly when to shoot me down and when to laugh and agree with me. The memories she shares with us from the older years are priceless. I could listen to her stories about the time she grew up for days!

Nana....what a saint. Im so glad I named Brandy after her! What a tolerant, faith driven amazing woman she was. I dont like calling her my ex mother in law. I just call her Nana! The last time I spoke to her was a few weeks before she passed. NOT ONCE, did she forget to end our conversations with an "I LOVE YOU, HUN". I remember years and years of the girls growing when I would randomly call her just to update on what my girls were up to. I also called her when the girls needed a soft but stern speaking to because they werent listening to me lol  She taught me so much about life. How to take care of babies, how to cook, how to be a wife among many other things. The influence she has on me still applies to my life today. 28 years after I met her. She knew how much I loved her and how much she always meant to me. Of course, she nagged and complained but what mother in law doesnt?! I love that woman with my whole heart and her impact will live on through me and my girls forever.

She wrote Sean a letter some years back, thanking him for taking care of her grandbabies and said she is "forever in his debt"...that is just the kind of woman she was. She was well aware her own son was a shitty father, husband, etc...BUT she never gave up on him, was there for him even when everyone told her he didnt deserve it. Yet, she took time to thank my current husband like that. 

When I left Michael finally, there was a very short time where the family was disappointed in me. VERY SHORT! A lot of families that break up make the choice to exclude the ex's family completely. That thought NEVER crossed my mind. It would have been so selfish of me to take away the love of this family from my girls. To deny them the family that is rightfully theirs.  Its not their fault my marriage didnt work. So that was never even a consideration for me. The girls and the Browns have ALWAYS stayed close. ALWAYS been knee deep involved and a part of each other's lives. Taken part in so many milestones in their lives. Granted, Michael always being in jail made this much easier, but even when he is out...the relationship WE have with the family has never faltered. To this day, now that my girls are adults...they are grateful to me for never keeping them from their family.

How fortunate am I to have an extended family in my life that didnt necessarily have to happen?! When Nana passed in September, I didnt have a second thought of going to Georgia for her funeral. We had somewhat prepared for this for a few years, only because she was aging and it was inevitably going to be her time. As soon as we get the news...almost immediately after she passed, my main concern was being there for my girls and for the family. Sandy, Michele, Ashtin...ALL OF THEM. We got to Georgia and it felt like old times. Sandy stated she wanted me with the family at the service. Without mentioning it, I cant even tell you how much that meant to me. We spent the week with family and it was like nothing has changed. Still close as ever. As her services happened, extended family and family friends that I hadnt seen in YEARS came up to me and were just sweet as can be. Showed me that they remembered me, even liked me and loved my kids. Ive always loved the extended family and going to the annual Burgess reunions was one of my favorite memories of when my kids were babies. 

Papa...the stubborn, rough exterior, doesnt take any bs, outspoken, total southern to the core man he was. I saw that side but our family was so lucky to see a complete different side. He (and Nana) had such a softness, such a vulnerability when it came to ALL their babies. He was the sweetest, most spoiling Papa ever! He is THE Papa that would sneak candy to the babies because they wanted it. Memories of babies on his lap in his recliner just rocking them to sleep. Protective as all get out! He loved Nana more than life. Being a part of their 50th wedding anniversary vow renewal family pictures  meant the world to me. Michael was "away", Brittany was just a baby. He has left quite a legacy and I see him and Nana in my girls every day. Not to mention in Sandy, Ashtin, Joseph and the rest of the family.  Brandy was a baby when he passed but today, she can tell you what kind of man he was, stories that she was told her entire life. She may not remember him but through this family, she knows what a special man their Papa was.

Decorating my tree, I surprisingly got so emotional. Every year since all the babies (even my generation and before), Nana made ornaments for everyone. I have the ones she made for my girls. Putting them up, I can remember each year she gave each one to them. Christmas was everyone's favorite time of year. Christmas at Nana's. Waking up Christmas morning to presents spread out on her couch for the girls from Santa. Her breakfast casserole she made every year. The ham...OH THE HAM!!! When we moved away from Georgia in 2009, I know the girls missed Christmas with the Browns terribly. I did too but not like they did. Knowing that Christmas wont ever be the same again is heartbreaking. Since we moved, EVERY Christmas (Easter, Mothers Day, etc) morning, I always tell my girls "make sure you call Nana". This year I cant say that. But I CAN tell them to make sure they call their Aunt Sandy and Aunt Michele. Traditions will live on. 

I consider myself so lucky to have an additional family still in my life to call my own. They arent "exes". I hate that word. They are just FAMILY. I speak to all of them regularly...my girls do too. Ashtin is still their best friend and the bond that these 4 girls have now is such a beautiful thing to witness. I know Nana and Papa are looking down on their family and would be proud of how strong everyone is. Memories flood our minds, love fills our hearts. While the holidays will never be the same...Joseph said something to me the other day...he said "We will still have great family gatherings"...SO TRUE!! 

My ex husband is my ex for a reason. GOOD reasons...but his family is my family. Always have been and always will be. They have included my current husband from day one. They love him like their own. What more can I ask for?

I shed tears when I think of how much Nana (and Papa) are missed but I am so appreciative of everything they have done for me the last 28 years...the love and lessons they instilled in my daughters.  The lessons they taught me! The faith in God they had lets me know without a doubt that they are in heaven, together again, keeping watch over all of us and smiling.  

28 years as a part of this family. Such a blessing, such a special group of people. I could not have wished for a better family for my daughters. Just because they have nothing to do with Michael, they never have really...that doesnt mean that they cant have anything to do with his family...their family...the family they were born from and into. My girls have so much love from them that it overflows and completely compensates for what they have never received from their own biological "father". 

Since Nana has passed, Ive noticed a change. Sandy, Ashtin, my girls...I can see that they look at life differently. They see it through Nana's eyes and they try to live life the way she would want. 

Bailey is a carbon copy of Nana. Her mannerisms, her emotions, her heart, her compassion. I am very grateful for that! EVERYONE told her how much she was like Nana and I know how much she loves that and takes pride in it. We even compared younger photos of Nana to her and she has a lot of her features. I know Bay takes so much pride in this as well as the rest of the family.

Holidays will be different but there will never be a lack of love and family. Being raised Jewish, the Brown family showed me what family and Christmas time means. 

Im the one who is forever in THEIR debt!

Nana and Papa, you are loved and missed more than you know. Your memory and legacy will carried on through generation after generation of the family YOU created!! Never far from our thoughts and ALWAYS IN OUR HEARTS! 

My Letter To Mom

Dear Mom,

Its been almost 10 yrs since you left us. Since you took yourself from us. While I finally understand why, it still hurts like it was yesterday. Yes, you made sure your kids and grandkids were stable in their lives...you left us a legacy that will live on...you provided financial means for all of us..but the physical pain of you not being here is unbearable at times.

I think of you EVERY single day. Random thoughts as I cook, bake, see something or hear something that reminds me of you. I think about how you would handle things that come up. What advice you would give. Although I try my hardest to do right by you, I fail at times. We mention you pretty much every day.

Everything that youve missed. Your grandkids' Graduations, Bailey's wedding, meeting her amazing husband. The guidance Brittany could have used in her adult life from you. Brandy growing into the exact replica of me. The transition that Sean made from Soldier to civilian. Our life in Louisiana ans Texas. Among all of the other events and life that has happened in the last 10 yrs.

Life has changed so much. Sometimes I think that things wouldnt be like this if you were still here. The dysfunction with David and his poor decisions. The rift with him and I. Mark being so lost and confused in his life. Esther and her life...you would be proud of her. She has taken on your role of being there for your sister, trying her best to keep family traditions going. All of our kids miss you so much. Im grateful my girls had the memories they have with you. All of the time you spent with them. All of the love you showed. It will stay with them forever.

For me personally...I am just crushed without you. Recently, Brandy and I went through a rough spot. It brought me back to you and I when I was growing up. I dont like to think about the bad stuff. I dont like to think of the dysfunction in our own family. I want to remember you being the supportive mother I had as an adult. The AMAZING grandmother you were. The loving mother in law you were. As an adult..when you died, I was scared. I had to solely depend on my decisions in life and trust that I was doing things right. I no longer had you to guide me, advise me, help me through the rough spots. Today, that is one thing I miss so much. Would you be proud of how I turned out? Would you be proud of how the girls were raised? All I can do now is feel confident that Im doing the best I can and yes, you would be proud. Im not perfect and of course there are things you would yell at me for, you would be disappointed in...but I cant beat myself up for that anymore.

You would be 73 years old. I wonder what kind of grandmother you wouldve been. How you wouldve handled watching time go by, watching all the kids become adults. Life is so different now. Yesterday, I found a pair of your earrings in Brandy's room and I cleaned them. I had flashbacks of when you wore them. I took out your engagement ring. I wonder if you would still be married to Bob today. Hes gone now too. Hes buried with you. We havent spoken to him since you passed but if I know you, as soon as he passed...you were right there bitching and nagging him like always...like he deserved. You shocked us with your will but it finally gave us all a sense of your true feelings about your marriage. I want to thank you for doing what you felt was necessary to give the 4 of us a family after Dad left. Bob was not the best, he was the worst in a lot of ways...but you sacrificed your true happiness so we could have a family.When he passed last year, I let go of all the hate Ive felt. I felt pity for him. Now I rarely think of him at all.

Esther and I had a rough patch but all is good now. She is the only one who can relate to my feelings about you on every level. We talk about you all the time. David and Mark live their lives how they choose but her and I will always remain close...because of you. Bryce is doing amazing. The other kids are all thriving. I cant help but know that their lives would be so much richer if you were here.

It took me a lot of years to accept what you did and why. Its taken me a lot longer to be ok with it all. The feelings of anger I had are gone. You are pain free..you are at peace and you trusted we would be ok. I was scared that memories would fade. NOT EVEN CLOSE!

I will never forget the last time I saw you. You were so serene. You had me lay in your lap like I did when I was little and you stroked my hair. You took in everything more than usual. You were calm. This was 2 weeks before you did what you did. Im sure you had it planned at this time but you were so loving. Im so grateful you had that last week with my girls.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed and feel like I cant do life anymore. But I can. I have you looking out for me, I have you looking out for my family and I need to live my life how you wouldve wanted. Im sorry I couldnt help you more than I did. Im sorry I couldnt take your pain away. Im sorry that you did the only thing you felt you could. Im sorry you arent here today. No, I dont blame myself and I dont blame you. I blame Bob but now thats he gone, I cant even do that anymore. It is what it is and life has to go on. The memories are priceless. The lessons you taught all of us are immeasurable. The legacy you left will go on forever, through each generation. You will always be remembered as a loving mother and grandmother. You put everyone else before you. You cared more than people deserved and you never gave up. Thats right, you may have taken your own life but it was because you didnt want to burden anyone, so again...you cared for others more than yourself to the very end. You are and always will be the most selfless person I will ever know. I pray some of your traits have been passed down to us.

I love you so much. I miss you every second of every day. Please continue to watch over us. Please send signs that you are with us. You are gone physically but you will never be gone from the depths of my soul and my heart. I am who I am because of you...Im grateful for our time, Im grateful that you adopted me and you are the only mother I'll ever know. The anger, frustration and resentment are gone. Its all about love and forgiveness...because that is what I envision you would want. ALL of us will be ok. ALL of us will continue living...ALL of us will get through each trial and tribulation that comes along...you didnt raise us to be weak.

I pray you hear me when I talk to you. I will never stop.

I LOVE YOU!

Love,
Brooke

Strength Comes In Numbers

Wow! Its 2 days before Thanksgiving...what an insane couple of months Ive had!

Ive been thinking a lot lately...about life, my family, my friends...trying to figure out how I got to the point Im at. How I keep surviving each day. Just to give an idea of whats happened in my life the last couple of months...

*My ex mother in law passed away in September, my girls' Nana who Ive always stayed close to..
 This was a HARD loss for everyone. Its always tough when a matriarch passes away. My girls first loss as adults. We made the trip to Atlanta for her funeral. Talk about a range of emotions. We were n the area that I lived in with my ex, surrounded by memories and places and people from my abusive past with my ex husband. I had to hold it down and be strong for my kids. I was there to support them and help them deal with one of the biggest losses of their lives. Emotions ran high for everyone that week. It was good to see people I havent seen in decades. I also got to visit my mother's grave, saw my aunt and the rest of my family minus my brothers. I was able to see ALL of my nieces and nephews which was awesome! My sister and I buried our issues and reconciled and I am most grateful for that.

*Sean came home unexpectedly. The consulate in Iraq shut down per the state department and basically, he was/is out of work. While I was happy he was coming home, I was also scared. We work great as a team and even if I didnt know how we would make it, I knew we would somehow. Currently, he is set to go to Afghanistan on a new contract so its just a waiting game at this point. In the meantime, Im loving having him home and Im so grateful he is home for Thanksgiving.

*My youngest daughter and I had a MAJOR fallout. Without going into detail...she was gone and I didnt talk to her and I didnt for sure know where she was for 2 days. It was the most devastating, heartbreaking 2 days EVER. During that time, I felt like a failure as a mother. Struggling to stick to my guns about demanding respect but at the same time, wanting to cave and give in to her just to have her home. I wanted to give up completely. She is JUST LIKE ME. We clash but its never been this bad. I wanted to die. I wanted to not exist. I felt I was to blame for everything negative in my children's lives. Sean was home but he stayed out of it for the most part because he knew that her and I had to get through this. Her sisters were there for her and for me but in the end, her and I had to deal with it. After some hard realizations on both of our parts, after a long talk and after some wonderful advice from my tribe of angels (my besties), we got through it. We have an understanding and through it all, she was receptive to what I need from her as I was to her.

* Sean and I took a quick surprise trip to Oklahoma to surprise my Bestie for her birthday. What a FABULOUS weekend! They are moving so I was so glad to see her and her family!

All thats happened had me thinking a lot about who and what I get my strength from. How do I literally deal with the day to day bullshit of LIFE?! My people. Thats how. I am fortunate enough to have a handful of people in my life who are there 100% for me. Even when I dont want to reach out, they know and they have my back consistently. I need people to call me on my bullshit, uplift me, encourage me and give me support when I have no faith in myself. There are days when I dont want to wake up. I dont want to talk to anyone. When all of a sudden, I get a text from one of  my people asking how I am or what's up or if I'm ok. I get reminded of all the trials and tribulations Ive been through in my life and how I am still standing tall today. I get reminded that I have strength to deal with anything that comes along. I am reminded to have faith. I am told how special I truly am. How I impact other lives and the positivity I bring to their lives. Advice that is given is priceless. Before you know it, I am feeling competent again and I KNOW I can handle whatever comes along.

My daughters are also a HUGE part of where I get my strength and will to keep going. They are grown. I felt as though I wasnt needed anymore. They have their lives and my job raising them is done. HELL NO ITS NOT!  I specifically remember days when I literally felt useless and I was just done. Ive even told them on occasion that Im done. Truth be told, I will never be done. The thought of hanging on JUST because I have 3 children who I created, needed me to, has gotten me through some dark days. They might be raised but I know that I will ALWAYS have to be that pillar of strength for them. Being a mother to adults has challenges. Thankfully Ive seen that they still need me, just in a different capacity. I am enough. I am #1 with them and that alone gets me through the toughest of times.

Sean is my rock. His communication skills may suck at times, but without a doubt, he is there for me to the best of his ability. I no longer have expectations of him. I accept him for who he is completely. I make more of an effort to understand things from his side. Finally realizing we work better as a team has definitely been an epiphany for me.  From this angle, I know I am loved, I know I am taken care of and I know someone has my best interest in mind 100!

Faith and spirituality has been a huge factor for me lately. The unknown is scary. But its inevitable. I have learned that I need to truly have faith that things are going to be ok. I may not know how but failing is not an option so together, we will find a way to make every and any thing work. Ive done a lot of soul searching alone and with my close friends. I am open to a lot more about myself. It feels like Im learning something new every day. For the first time in a long while, I finally feel like I am cared about and loved by others. I feel it in my heart and soul that I am worthy of being loved. I dont have to take on everything by myself and there is nothing wrong with leaning on others when I feel lost. Definitely a hard pill for this strong willed, I can handle everything on my own, woman to swallow.

Through my family, through my best friends...life is not so dreary and bleak anymore for me. I see a light. It may be foggy at times but its there. I no longer feel like I am alone for the first time in forever. I DO have friends that truly care about my well being. I have a husband who loves me to no end and I have 3 amazing daughters who see me as their world. I dont have to take on every thing that comes up by myself and I dont have to have all of the answers. I have faith, hope and trust and that has become enough for me. I dont HAVE to have all the answers. I need positivity and good vibes in order for my mind and soul to be complete and I have that, finally.

My oldest daughter is moving back home this week. Finally done with her ex boyfriend of 7 yrs and she is ready to start a new life. I could not be more thrilled for her! She is strong like her mom and her future looks so bright. She hasnt lived with me since she was 17, she is now 24. It will be challenging at times but we will make it through it, like always.

So life keeps coming, throwing curve balls all the time...I feel like Ive found ways to cope and handle things in a manner that is healthy and prosperous for me and for everyone involved.

Find yourself a handful of people that bring light to your life. Find faith and hope that things happen how they are supposed to and everything happens for a reason. Dig deep inside to find your inner strength that you never knew existed. If that is hard for you, lean on your people. Let them uplift you until you can keep yourself up.

I dont know how I would survive without my people. It just wouldnt be possible and I could not be more grateful. I wont have negativity in my life anymore. I wont be emotionally or mentally drained by anyone because I have others depending on me to be strong. Peace, love and light sounds so cliche but its so spot on. Its how I must live my life today. Sean, my daughters, my family, Clara, Mel, Laurie, Carmen, Nancy (who doesnt even have social media anymore lol) and the others, you know who you are....you are my strength, you are my reason, you are my heart. Thank you for being who you are and thank you for loving me unconditionally and being there for me even when I didnt want anyone. FOREVER THANKFUL!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!! Hope 2019 brings you all you want and more!

Mother's Day...For This Motherless Daughter

Mom passed away a few weeks before Mother's Day. In 2009, I dreaded this holiday. I had so much anxiety. I didnt know how I would feel. I was scared for that day to come. It was hard. As jumbled as my emotions were, I have no idea how I made it through that year.

As the years have passed, its always been a day that makes me sad. How can I celebrate Mother's Day when my mother is no longer here? Its been 9 years...the last few years, how I view this day has changed A LOT!

Now I take Mother's Day to reflect on the memories I have. Im not as sad anymore. I use this day to celebrate other mothers. My friends who are amazing mothers. I also take this day to celebrate the reason why I am a mother. My 3 daughters. I give thanks to them for making me a mom. I reflect on the days they were born and the day I entered this wonderful group of women called "Moms". 

Being a mother is the most important, hardest, most rewarding job in the world. Knowing you gave life to another person, whether its by giving birth or giving them a life through adopting....that you are responsible for this person forever. I never imagined myself having kids when I was a teenager. Now, I could not imagine my life without them. My children gave me a purpose in life. I may not have accomplished a lot but I raised 3 human beings. If that isnt a gift in itself, I dont know what it is. Its not all roses and at times, I just wanted to quit. But you see, that isnt an option. Even as adults, my job as their mom never stops. They still need guidance, support, direction, love that only I can give them.

I get down on myself A LOT. But I take one look at these 3 beautiful women and I know I did SOME thing right. These kids were my saving grace. There is no one else that I would literally die for. They gave me life, love and a reason to keep going at times when I wanted to just stop life. For that, I could not be more grateful.

This is the mindset I choose for Mother's Day. Of course I remember my mother, my grandmother and the important women in my life. Ive learned to be grateful I had them in my life. I let that gratitude keep me from feeling so sad. I learned to enjoy letting my children celebrate me. Its not fair to them if Im sad on the day they want to honor me for being their mom. They shouldnt feel like they have to make up for the fact that my mother is gone. So I try my best to put aside my negative and sad feelings and make it the best I can for them. 

Being a "Motherless Daughter" is difficult but as the years passed, I can really appreciate what my mother truly meant to me. I know she is with me. I know she is probably judging me but she is also proud. I honor her in any way I can on any given day. From my girls wearing her pearls for Graduation. To Brandy wearing her bracelet for Prom. To just going through her things and crying for a few because she is missed so much. I can appreciate that my mother CHOSE me...she adopted me, she allowed me to make her a mother to me. The lessons Ive learned from her, the life knowledge she taught me can never fade. All I can do is pass this knowledge down to my children the best I can. She will never be forgotten, never fade from our memories and conversations. Just because I choose not to be sad on Mother's Day doesnt take anything away from her being so missed, by all of us. It only means that Ive come to the point of accepting what is and making the most of a tough situation. 

Mother's Day...I celebrate ALL MOMS! I honor each and every one of you. We are a force to be reckoned with. NO ONE can do what we do. No one can understand what we go through except each other. I hope each of you are surrounded by love because you deserve that and more.

This year, I will be celebrating my daughter's 2nd wedding anniversary which is the day before Mother's Day. She is here attending school for 3 more weeks and her husband is back home at Ft Bliss. Being separated on their day is hard but as they know, its not the first and wont be the last. Army life is fabulous lol I will also be spending Sunday (and the rest of the week) preparing for my husband's homecoming from his 4th deployment as a civilian. Lots to keep me occupied and busy but I am determined to make it a day filled with smiles and love. 

Up next...our Brandy graduates high school on June 1 and on June 2, Bailey graduates Dental Assistant School. Lots of exciting things happening for our family. Mother's Day is just a day...we should honor mothers...and fathers...and people, EVERY DAY!!!!!

Loneliness Is Addictive

I am alone 90% of the time. My husband has been home for just under 4 mths in the last 3 years. My 2 older kids dont live at home and my youngest who is 18 has her own life...work, friends, school, etc. Most of the time, Im perfectly fine by myself. However, Ive realized that Ive grown accustomed to being alone, you could say addicted in a way. 

I dont work, by choice. I have all the time in the world. I could go out and be social at any given time. I could even get a job. I have no kids to watch, no real parent responsibilities anymore. However, I CHOOSE not to do those things. Im a loner. I literally leave my house once or twice a week to go to the store and run errands. My days consist of cleaning, taking care of my dogs..and staying in my head and thoughts constantly. Since Brandy is still home and I now have Bailey here for a bit, there is more to do and more interaction and chaos. Good chaos but nonetheless, chaos. Ive found myself getting annoyed by it. Of course Im happy my kids are here, but when the house is empty, like now, I just feel more calm and content. 

Being alone has become addictive for me. When I have to go out, I spend over an hour getting ready. If only, so people who see me in public wont look at me and think I dont have my shit together. So they wont see the truth, which is that I have no life. Sadly, I chose this but Im content like this.  I have no desire to have any social interaction with anyone. I have no desire to go out and do spontaneous stuff. I literally prefer staying home in my sweats all day, every day and watching my TV shows that I have scheduled each night of the week. I have an overflowing closet of clothes and shoes that I never wear. They are there "just in case". How stupid is that? I could sell my purse collection for a fortune but I need to keep them all "just in case". I DONT GO ANYWHERE! This is NOT who I used to be.

I used to be the "hostess with the mostest" when the kids were younger. In our early and middle days in the Army. I had get togethers ALL the time. Went out to dinner ALL the time with friends. Threw parties and had tons of people over. I was a total social butterfly. When we lived in Georgia, there wasnt a weekend that went by that I wasnt out with a group of friends. Our entire families. Having dinner, hanging out, having a fabulous time. In Louisiana, it was a repeat of that. We had friends from Georgia there so it was always a great time full of friends that are family to us. When I got to Texas, I had a best friend here and when she PCSed, I just shut down. I do have friends here that Ive met. I have opportunities to hang out with people. I get invites all the time. I just dont go. When Sean started deploying with this job, it took some getting used to again. Now it takes getting used to having him home for just over a month at a time. I have my days where Im sick of doing life alone. The deployments are wearing me down. Im married but Im alone. Sometimes I feel guilty for "enjoying" my life by myself. I get anxiety when he comes home. I get anxiety at the thought of socializing. When these things happen, I absolutely love it. I have a great time and I remember why I love entertaining company. Its just not my go-to persona anymore. Why am I so content and ok with no interaction with people? Why am I so ok with not leaving my house? 

It could be that Im getting older. It could be that I just feel like I cant invest in anyone anymore. This is just who I am today. I dont necessarily like it but Im content. Part of me feels like I have no purpose. The kids are grown. I raised them and I feel like a failure at parenting adult children. Im pushing 50 yrs old. My husband is 38, Im stupid enough to have insecure thoughts to the point we are fighting over shit that has NEVER been an issue before. He loves me, would never betray or hurt me in any way. So why do I convince myself otherwise to the point I truly believe my thoughts?? Am I forcing myself to be ok with the distance between us? Is it finally getting down to the fact that I really CANT take it anymore? People see me as this strong woman that can handle anything that comes my way. Maybe Im reaching a breaking point. Maybe its perimenopause that is causing my emotions and thoughts to go fucking crazy. Maybe its a mid life crisis. Maybe Im just good at stuffing the real shit inside of me down deep enough to where I can ignore it. Maybe being alone has me going literally insane. I honestly dont know the answers. I know what I should do and think, but I block all of that. Who knows, maybe Im comfortable being an insecure, aging, paranoid loner. Is it depression? Could be.

I have a good life. I have great friends. I am just clueless on how to incorporate these things into my happiness. I dont want to reach out to anyone. I dont want to be the needy friend. I always have my shit together...or do I? Not saying Im fake in any way...just saying Im not one to burden people with my issues and problems. Instead, I make myself available to anyone at any time. Seeing people I love struggle is the WORST for me. I want to feel needed yet I dont want to need anyone. Make sense? Not to me either. 

I guess being alone so much has forced me to take a look at myself. Half the time, Im not ok with who I see. The other half is bulletproof and can handle anything and everything that comes my way. My best friends are hundreds of miles away. They have their own lives, their own family and their own things they are going through. Deployments are not easy. I got this, right? Its what we have to do at this point in time. I can deal with this life. Ive been doing it for almost 14 years. Times change. The kids got older. Our bills doubled. Life moves on. This is how I convince myself that I got this in the bag. Today, I dont.

Not only that...this rotation, Sean's job is somewhat dangerous. So I have that to think about too. There is alot happening with Graduation coming fast, Sean will be home in a month, my family bullshit that still weighs heavily on my mind, Mom's Angelversary...etc. Im more content with nothing on the calendar, nothing going on and nothing to think about. Thats just not how life is, though. This Mercury retrograde has life all fucked up for me but hopefully, this too, shall pass...QUICKLY. Im really off lately, Im stressed and Im about to lose my shit daily...but I have to believe that life will calm down soon. I have to believe that its going to be ok....only because I dont know how it could get worse right now. 

Saturday night... Bailey is back in El Paso until Friday. Bran is out with her friends so its just me and the dogs. Im going to watch Greatest Showman for the second time today and 6th time total. That movie makes me feel good for some reason so I love it! Godwilling, getting this out can help me wake up tomorrow with a different mindset. As content as I am being alone, my mindset isnt where its supposed to be. Im going to pray tonight to give me some answers that I definitely need. When shit's out of whack...my family suffers and they dont deserve it.

Just like any addiction, if it gets out of control and if you give in to the addiction, there are consequences. My addiction to being alone has them too and Im suffering these consequences now. Praying it will subside and I can get it in check. Maybe one day, I will decide to put myself out there and learn to be social again. Time will tell. Until then, my DVR awaits and there are always dishes and laundry to do!! 

Veterans Day 2017

Veterans Day is a day that is huge in my family. My affiliation with the veterans that have touched my life include my husband who served 15 yrs in the Army. His grandfather who was in the Navy. My ex father in law (dec. 2000) was in the Navy. My ex brother in law was in the Army (we are still close). My son in law is currently serving in the Army. Both of his parents are Army veterans and his sister is currently serving in the Army, along with his uncle being an Army veteran. Along with these heroes, of course, I cant forget the MANY veterans in our military family...friends that have become family. This military community as a whole is one huge family. My best friends today are strong women who I met in "this life". If you havent lived it, you wouldnt understand that bonds and ties that bring us together. The most tight knit, courageous, brave group of women Ive ever come across.

My husband did 2 combat tours in Iraq. He was in Kosovo, Korea and Germany in addition to the many training months and schools in the states, away from home. This is the life we know. This is the life the girls were raised in. Its no surprise that my daughter married the son of 2 veterans and made the decision to enlist himself after they graduated high school. He is an amazing young man and an outstanding young Soldier who is fast tracking his way to a stellar career.

When I tell my husband "Happy Veterans Day", he hates it. He hates being thanked for his service. He honestly feels like he joined because his life was going nowhere in Maine. It was his only option, he felt. He did his job for 15 years and he ETSed (got out when his contract expired). Last night during our Facetime call, I said it to him...he had this look of "oh shut up" and made a joke out of it. That was concerning to me so I began a discussion about it. I told him he needed to reflect on his time in service as more than "just doing his job". Think of the experiences he's had, the bonds he's made. The brothers he gained. I explained to him why people thank him. He may see his enlistment as a do or die choice but others see it as a choice he made to fight for our country. Its bigger in other's eyes. However, sadly..TOO MANY veterans feel like my husband. It was their job, they shouldnt be thanked and they get very uncomfortable when people thank them. Ive had to tell my husband how to respond when someone thanks him ...simply say "Thank you for your support".

For me, I like to take today and make it a day of reflection. I think about those we lost that gave the ultimate sacrifice. I think about their families. I think about those that are still missing and never came home from previous wars long ago. I also reflect on our military life and how very grateful I am to have these people in my life today and what an honor it is to know these heroes. Ive seen what they go through, I know what makes them heroes. The ups and downs of serving this country. Most of our friends dont want thanks, they dont want recognition but they sure as hell deserve it and then some. Our children arent like "normal, civilian" kids. They are so resilient, courageous and strong is an understatement. Our kids were raised where its normal to have one parent gone a majority of the time and its not because he/she wants to but because its his/her job and his/her job is to serve this awesome country. They are raised with more pride than the usual little kid. Not every kid gets to say their daddy or mommy is an American Hero.

Last night, we were talking and I mentioned that Brandy isnt phased whether he is home or not. Not in a bad way. Just in a way that it is normal for her that hes not home consistently. I told him in her eyes, he's been leaving her since she was 4. I wasnt blaming him or saying it in a bad way. Just trying to explain where she is coming from. She's almost 18 now. He has been home for 70 days since October 2015. He deploys as a contractor now. He said that saying it like that was like "Whoaaa" to him. She doesnt resent him whatsoever. This is the norm for her and for us. But I sensed some guilt from his side. He doesnt tend to look at the big picture of any situation much so I point it out sometimes. The girls and I dont blame him at all for not being here. Instead, we are so grateful for the sacrifices he's made to fight for this country. The sacrifices hes made for our family to have a roof over our heads and food on our table. This is what WE signed up for when I signed that marriage certificate. Its not an easy road to go down at all but it is definitely worth it. 

My Soldier doesnt take pride in himself or his service. He is the most humble and downplayed Soldier I know. He never likes to make it known he was in. Before he got out, he despised wearing his uniform after work hours anywhere out in public. He refused to use his military ID to board flights earlier. He wasnt hiding his job, he just went out of his way to not make it known. He cringed when I would make him stand at sports events we went to that asked service members to stand and be recognized. He HATED doing that. So while he never had much pride for his service, the girls and I have plenty for him. He doesnt see the good in what hes done...like many veterans...but we do, the rest of the country does. The courage and sacrifice these men and women have made and continue to make is the most selfless thing a person can do.

So THANK YOU to all of those who have served or are currently serving our nation. You are HEROES in every sense of the word. I am thankful every day however today is the perfect day to make it known to any and everyone. Take today and let people appreciate you. Accept the love, the gratitude and even the free meals youll get today! You deserve this and more and you all will never be forgotten! To those that gave the ultimate sacrifice for this country, you will be remembered by this grateful nation and your memory will live on eternally.