"I MISS HER TOO"

Its pretty amazing how hearing those 4 simple words could make my heart explode yet give me the most serene feeling EVER! It's also ironic that I'm writing this today, as I was reminded by FB memories that my Grandmother passed 6 years ago today, at 100 yrs old.

On Mother's Day, I had the thought that I wanted to call my mother's best friend, Linda. I talk to her husband and daughter sometimes and we keep up with each other on FB, however Linda doesnt have FB and I havent actually spoken to her since Mom's funeral. Time got away from me, as usual, so I finally called her yesterday.

That phone call had such an unexpected, profound effect on me. A little backstory. Linda and Lee have known me since I was 7-8 years old. They have a daughter a few years older than me. They have been there and seen me growing up. From the massive rebellious teenager, to being in an unhealthy first marriage (Lee actually represented my ex husband in court one time lol), to being a mother times 3 and now...being 47 with all of my children grown. My mother and Linda had one of those genuine, REAL friendships. Honest to the core, whether they liked it or not. Always there. Acceptance and unconditional love. Mom was quirky, Linda wasnt. Perfect BFF match, right? Linda was the ONLY person EVER that my mother allowed to smoke in her house. Linda refused to come over if she couldnt so Mom made the exception for her. You have to remember, this was back in the 80s so today's society taboos were NOT what they were back then. The point is, Linda has been in my mom's life and my life since I can remember.

Yesterday, I began talking to her about Mom. I choked up, of course. I cannot tell you what it meant to me to finally talk to someone who gets it. Yes, I know my friends who have lost parents get it but not like this. She knew Mom better than anyone. No explanation of anything was needed, except one. She never knew exactly how Mom died. She knew it was suicide but she had no idea of the details of how she did it, my stepdad's involvement, etc. I began to tell her what happened. Immediately it brought me back to that phone call. I relived every moment from that day to the entire week of her funeral. Giving her details and telling her how things went down within the family after the funeral and so on. Writing those details is SO different from speaking them. Something I havent done since around the time Mom died in 2009. Linda just listened. She knows the drama that was in our family. She knows my siblings and I. I didnt have to elaborate or explain ONE thing because she just knew. It was a relief for me to get all of this out, as I would discover after we hung up. The one thing she said quite a few times during our conversation made my heart drop to my knees. I feel like its the most significant thing anyone has said to me in YEARS. She said "I MISS HER TOO". I could hear the sadness in her voice. I could hear the love in her voice. It hit me later how much hearing that from her truly meant. It meant that someone other than my siblings and family missed Mom as much as I do. She knew Mom the way I did. She felt my loss. It was an epiphany. Ive spoken to distant family about Mom before but since she passed, I had NEVER talked to anyone about her to the extent Linda and I discussed. We reminisced, we laughed, I updated her on all of my drama with my siblings lol and we talked about the place I am today, with my kids grown, etc. I told her that I talk to Mom a lot, she told me to keep doing that and not to stop. Ive heard that before from friends and people I love but hearing it from her took it to another level.

Linda's daughter Caren knew my mom like I did, as well. Mom was there for her as a young adult so she saw Mom how I saw her. Mom was there when her babies were born, she was there for some trying times in her life. Because of this, Caren and I always got along and had this bond. When I found her on FB, after SO MANY years, I cried tears of joy. To this day, I know I can call her anytime and just talk about Mom until Im blue in the face and she will listen to me, cry with me and empathize with me like only a few can. She will always be my sister.

Ive been in a state of denial since Mom passed. Denying that I HAD to deal with it and all of the emotions that came along with it. I just refused. I wouldnt allow myself to break down. I wouldnt allow myself to feel the deep hurt that Ive had deep inside for so long. My dear friend, who I met through my Bestie (its her sister) has taken the time to talk with me and guide me through this process. She is definitely a Godsend. I can honestly say that I have started to come to terms with everything and I am learning to finally deal with it. However, Ive realized through this process that its not about just breaking down completely and then being ok. For me, its about utilizing the people in my life that I CAN go to when I need to talk about Mom. People like Linda, my aunt, Caren, Lee...people other than my siblings who knew Mom and can truly empathize in the pain I feel without explaining why. I realized yesterday how healing it is for me. Talking to people that loved my mother like I do. Talking about her to people that knew her and knew her heart. Sometimes, I want to just call distant relatives to talk about her. But I dont. I dont want to be a bother. Today, I know I have those I can call at anytime and feel confident that they GET IT.

So today, my healing continues. As my last child graduates, I know there are others that feel the absence of my mother in the same way I do. They KNOW how proud she would be. They KNOW she is looking down with the biggest smile on her beautiful face. For the first time since she passed, I can finally say I have a sense of moving forward. Ive stayed stagnant in this gray area where she is concerned for so long and its been eating me up. Now, I have a peaceful feeling. I can begin to really deal with this loss knowing I will be ok. Things happen for a reason and there is a time for everything.

This is my time.

Side note: its also time to get my ass in gear and get ready for my husband to come home from overseas and get my house and heart ready for my baby to graduate high school next week!