“Family”

What does that word even mean anymore? For me, it used to mean everything. Today, it means shit. 

Since my mother died, it hasn’t and will never be the same. 

I have a Dad that abandoned us pretty much after my parents divorced almost 40 yrs ago. He’s living his life and makes no effort at all. He came to mom’s funeral. He said he “had to be there for us kids”. He was late arriving and left right after the burial. Before that, it had been years since we saw him. Lots of years. I talked to him occasionally on the phone. Usually telling him I needed him to make an effort,etc. He said he would but never did. After

Mom died, I specifically told him I needed him to be there more because I needed a parent in my life. Well that never happened. He called 3 times after that. Once to tell me that he was having surgery on his prostate. Once to tell me he was getting a divorce from his 4th wife after 27 yrs and once to tell me he was having bypass surgery. Each time I found myself upset and crying to him about how he is never there and how he is not a father. He always says the same shit. “I know I need to do better”...”If I dont hear from you,

I assume everything is fine”...”I’m sorry” along with a million other excuses. Why was it so hard to keep in contact with your kids? Kids that you chose to adopt. I stopped making the effort and gave up. He doesn’t contact my siblings either. Except he stays at my brothers every year when he is in town for a chiropractic seminar.  He sees his kids. He doesn’t try to see my sister or her kids. She washed her hands of him years ago. So today, I have no mother and no father. I have no parents at all. He doesn’t know more than half of his grandkids. 

I wrote about my brother in a previous blog. Update on that. We are literally dead to each other. I found out tonight that he’s been in the hospital for a few days with some breathing problems. We may not be talking but as a human being, I care about his health. I decided to text him out of concern. Here is how that went...

Nice, huh? My gut reaction was to be mean as fuck. I wasn’t expecting a sweet response. But I was hoping that even though we don’t talk, there was an unspoken “love” somewhere for the simple reason that we are supposed to be family. By drivel, I don’t know if he meant my petty post that he already responded to from last year or if he read my blog about him somehow. Either way, fuck him. He is dead to me. Sadly, everything I said in my response to him was true though. If his girlfriend is reading my blogs, good...and to you, I say go fuck yourself..youre not only a homewrecking whore, youre also a family wrecking twat. When the day comes that my brother cheats on you (and he will because he has cheated on all his girlfriends and wife, he cheated WITH you, after all) and leaves you and that baby, karma will have finally hit you.

I won’t go into my relationship with my sister. It’s up and down but all I can say is that I’ve been there for her, always making an effort but it’s not reciprocated. That is a realization that came to me tonight. It is what it is and only time will tell what happens.

My oldest brother, we barely talk. Case closed. 

I just hung up with Sean because he doesn’t get it. He can’t understand why I was crying and can’t understand how I’m truly feeling. Yes, I cut him out of this because I don’t think anyone knows. I also feel like no one cares. This isn’t a poor me statement. It’s just how I see it. I put myself out there. I make myself available to everyone I care about. I choose to go out of my way to help whoever I can. That’s who my mother was, that’s how I am. Everyone’s happiness comes before me. I want everyone to be ok and I make it a point for people I care about to know and feel that I care. Because I do. I’m a fixer. My problems or issues don’t matter. But then, I have times like tonight where I literally wonder if anyone would come to my funeral if I died. God, I sound fucking pathetic. But it’s true. I have 4 friends that I can honestly say give a fuck about my well being. Even they aren’t close (physically) so I still feel completely alone and isolated. 

I’m typing this in bed. On my phone. My first blog I’ve done from my phone in this way. I am currently thinking that I have no parents anymore. I pretty much have no siblings. The rest of my family doesn’t care. I have a million cousins but we aren’t close. I have aunts and uncles that I rarely talk to. I talk to my mother’s sister regularly but not too much. Mostly because nothing changes with me. I update her on the kids and Sean,

see how she is and that’s about it. My sister goes to see her and helps her out. She’s the only one who does. Well her and my mom’s cousin, who I don’t think ever liked me but I’m ok with that. I have a husband across the world that can’t fathom what I’m going through. I have 3 daughters that I won’t let take any of this on because I’M the Mom and they have their own lives. Everyone I know has their own lives and I don’t like putting my shit on others at all. 

I realized tonight that my family consists of my husband and my kids. My sister most of the time, my sister in law and my aunt. The rest are relatives. Related through mutual family members. That doesnt mean I dont like them. Its just how it is. When we moved away from Delaware when I was 7, that made it so my huge family in Philly wasnt in our lives growing up.

I tried to keep my family together after Mom died. We no longer speak to my stepdad of 29 yrs. We cut ties shortly after Mom passed. But I did my best to keep us siblings united. I was the only one who lived out of state but I did my best. Now it is broken and it cant be repaired. At 46 yrs old, as all of our kids are older..there is distance that cant ever be fixed. 

**I started this last night but I stopped. As usual, my emotions got the best of me and I shut it down. Shut myself down completely.**

My first thought when I woke up this morning "I CANT BELIEVE THAT MY FAMILY IS DONE. I CANT GET OVER ALL OF THE BULLSHIT AND DYSFUNCTION" which always brings me to the thought that if my mom were still alive, it wouldn't be this way. How did all of us turn out like we did when we were raised by the same parents? How is it that I give a shit and no one else does? Why do I refuse to accept shitty behavior from people where some just let it happen and dont say a word? How are they so ok with how fucked up things are? I will never know these answers. We are all in our 40s. We are set in our ways. It is what it is. What it is though, its a FUCKING SHAME. I cant change others. I cant make others see or give a damn about what I see or feel. I also refuse to give in to the point where I accept bullshit that is unacceptable. I dont care who it is. "Family" or not. Not being blood related never affected my family. It was never an issue. Until now. So I guess I see now that that as much as my parents tried and wanted this amazing family with children they CHOSE, they adopted...its not amazing at all. If you care about someone, if someone is important to you, you make contact to see how they are, you make an effort to be a part of their life. It should not be one sided. You should give a damn if they are struggling or just care enough to say "I love you and Im here" every now and then. 

Do I regret my blog about my brother? NOPE. Its how I feel and I shouldnt have to not voice that for fear of how it will make him feel. He has NEVER cared about anyone's feelings on anything. Im an open book, I dont give a shit about what people think. Now I can say that I dont give a shit about what people do.

There is a reason God put this house in our sights when we decided to buy a home. Texas is home, far far away from Georgia. There is a reason that God put Sean in my life knowing his Army career would take me away from Georgia at some point. So perhaps this is how its supposed to be. I can question it as much as I want but I dont want to do that. Feeling alone, feeling isolated and knowing that I have no family in my life anymore sucks. It hurts. Literally hurts my heart. I know I cant change it though. Im making myself sick over it. I have no idea when I will be ok again. This on top of everything else has me to a point where Im not comfortable. Im on edge, Im shutting the few who give a damn out intentionally. I refuse to be a burden. Ive always handled my shit alone so this time cant be any different. The few I have texted in the last 24 hours, part of me regrets it because I dont want to appear weak. I dont want pity and I dont want anyone to think Im losing it...but I am. Maybe some depression has set in. Maybe menopause is starting, maybe being alone 90% of the time is getting to me. All I DO know is that my kids are ok, their lives are moving along the way theyre supposed to. Thats really all that matters to me. They were raised with MY family values and they were raised knowing that family means everything. The bond they have cant be broken. I dont want to see whats happening with me EVER happen to them and Im confident that it wont. The 3 of them are best friends and I know it will always be like that and I can only pray that after Im gone, it will continue. 

Im not ok, Im not doing well and I dont know when I will be ok. Thats real talk. My heart hurts. My head hurts. My spirit hurts. I dont know where this strong, willful, positive Brooke is anymore. I know I have to find her if I want to get over this huge hurdle. Praying I can find my way soon because being lost is totally out of my comfort zone and feeling like this is not how I want to spend my days. My head and my life is in a tailspin and Im getting quite dizzy from it all. The light that is supposedly at the end of the tunnel is quite blurry.

Im not asking for pity. I dont want it. Im not even asking for concern. In my head, any concern would feel fake to me anyway right now. Im just writing down thoughts that come to my head. Trying to make sense of it. Wanting to see in black and white how fucked up I really am. Looking back on this entire blog in the future to see how I felt at specific times. Getting vulnerable is not who I am but I dont care anymore. Im tired of feeling like I have to have my shit together when I all I want to do is give up. Real. Raw. This is who I am, this is who Ive become. Judge me if you want. No one's thoughts or opinions matter. Trying is over rated. Being too caring is over rated. Putting yourself out for people to see the real you can be good but it can also be very painful...that is, until you become so numb to pain that you literally wake up and go through each day like a robot. 

Family....its who you CHOOSE. Relatives are simply those related to you. Thankful for the friends who are my family. Very grateful.

For any "family" that reads this...or stalkers...my intention isnt to upset anyone, to piss anyone off but Im an honest person and if you cant respect that, thats an issue you need to look at. I dont condemn anyone for being a callous, uncaring, surface, unloving person only for the fact that you are who you are. I may not like this about you and I may distance myself because of this, but I respect your right to be the person you want to be. This is who I am and I wont sugarcoat shit. My feelings are my feelings and no one can tell me they are wrong or right. They just are.

Dear Husband, Youre A DICK!

YALL WANT REAL AND RAW?! WELL HERE YA GO..NO HOLDS BARRED. THIS IS REAL LIFE.

Yesterday I was annoyed but I kept on with my day. FTed my BFFL for life and as I was talking about how Ive been feeling, I kind of got choked up. I stopped myself because crying just isnt what I do. I went on with my day, watched DWTS and picked up my kiddo from work. Around 10pm I went upstairs and got into bed, as usual. That's when my annoyance from the entire day turned into a big FUCK YOU to Sean.

He called, started off ok. Talked about random stuff. I told him Ive been annoyed and felt like shit all day. So WHY THE FUCK would he keep annoying me in his attempt to make me feel better?! This is what he does. He thinks if I laugh just a little, its great. NO! Its not! I wasnt laughing because you were funny, I was laughing because youre a fucking idiot! I was getting pissed because somewhere in your fucked up head, you think pissing me off further is hilarious. Like, are we not on the same planet?! If I tell you "Just stop! Youre annoying me even more" and you continue...its going to turn into "Youre a fucking asshole, I cant stand you!" which is EXACTLY what happened. Youve been with me for 13 yrs and you STILL dont get it. You STILL dont understand that I dont need stupid jokes, stupid comments or stupidity in general when I feel like this. Do you realize that this last week, Ive been privately missing the fuck out of you?! NOPE! Do you know that I have been physically sick because at times I want you here so badly?! NOPE! The reason you dont know is because I dont feel like I should tell you. Your response would be fucking ridiculous. You would say something stupid and not get what Im feeling. So no, you havent seen that part of me but it exists. I dont show my raw emotional side to anyone really. I need more than an "I know" from my fucking husband! Your communication skills have always sucked, as much as weve discussed this throughout our relationship and yet still, this is how you are. 

I decided at one last attempt to change the subject. Ive been needing to send a care package to him. I suck at that, yes. But yesterday I thought that I want to get another bunch of pictures printed out of the family to send him. He needed some updated ones. Ive been missing him and looking at pics and getting all in my feels lately. When I bring it up, it turns out that the first bunch of pics I sent him werent taped up on his wall or even taped in his wall locker in his room. They werent in a drawer in his desk, or on his headboard. Theyre in a god damn envelope put away on a shelf in his locker. Probably at the bottom of a pile of shit in there. A fucking bomb exploded in my head! Are you fucking kidding me?! No fucking wonder you are totally detached from me, the kids, my feeling, etc. I dont give a FUCK that you see my face every day! His reason for them being in there? "I dont want them fucked up or getting dusty" FUCK THAT AND FUCK YOU! Needless to say, I went kind of postal and told him Im not sending a god damn thing. I told him that Im done, I hate you and I dont want to talk to him anymore. He tried to diffuse my anger, not happening. So he said he needed to go to bed and told me that I did, too. My response "Yea I do, FUCK YOU" and hung up on him. I texted him that Im sick of his shit, I dont want to talk to him for a LONG WHILE or until its necessary and I dont see anything important coming up so I was done. Of course its still unread. Knowing him, he either went to the batting cages or he turned on his Xbox to play his dumbass games or stayed up till all hours watching Netflix. I honestly dont even give a fuck. Thats what he does. He is a FUCKING ASSHOLE!

Ive told him numerous times that we dont need to talk every night. We run out of shit to talk about. This is a "luxury" that we have now that we didnt when he was deployed with the Army. He says he WILL call me every night because "thats what I do". Ok, the thought of it is cute. But I think we are passed that cute stage in our marriage and its not really necessary. If something comes up, I can text him during his work shift. Hes not in a combat zone, I have 0 worries that he would talk to other women. The only other thing he may do is catch up on his porn. I dont even give a fuck about that. It comes with the territory and hes a dude so its whatever. 

Im a brat, Im self righteous, Im downright fucking mean. I say mean shit a lot. It may not be the right way to handle shit but I really need my point to get across to him. I feel like he's so passive, he just blows me off and blows my anger off because he thinks Ill just "get over it". Ummm WRONG! It will sit there and build and build and then I really unleash. WHY THE FUCK do I have to get to that point in order for you to truly understand?! 

He is stuck in his own world there and its easy for him to turn my world off, like a light switch. He goes on with his day or night and doesnt think about the issues we are having. Especially not to the extent that I do. Maybe its because thats ALL I have to do with my time or maybe he truly just thinks all is great or will be so he doesnt have to put any thought or effort into anything.

BULLSHIT!

I wont be the only one working at trying to keep this marriage going. I wont be the only one to stress about shit. I wont be the only one feeling like shit for days because things arent good between us. I wont spend all my time trying to come up with ways to make you truly understand where Im coming from and what I need. Yes, your life over there is monotonous. Nothing changes. Same routine every day. Mine too, for the most part but I have to live in THIS world and deal with everything that comes along. Things do change here. People change and its time you change a little. If you want to stay stagnant because youre too full of your world to see what Im going through, then simply GO FUCK YOURSELF.

See, Im not in a coddling place with our marriage anymore. Ive had these issues many times before. Pointed out how selfish youve been, etc. It always goes back to this. Of course, Im being a bitch. Because I need you to see that Ive grown and just because you THINK I have it all under control, you KNOW I definitely dont. NONE of this is news to you.

My husband is supposed to be my best friend. The ONE person that knows me inside and out. The ONE person I can be vulnerable with, be emotional with and be happy with. Well, we arent best friends. I cant cry in front of him because he doesnt know how to react to it. I cant get vulnerable with him because I refuse to let my guard down like that. He sees me as this strong Superwoman and thats how I try to be at all times. I dont break down to him. He doesnt know how to make it better. Soooo, here we are. Yes, we tell each other everything. We are first priority with each other. I think what we are is HABITUAL more than anything. Of course, there is love there. However, is it that deep down soul shaking love that soulmates have? I honestly dont know. I dont feel it from his side and if I feel it, I wont let it be known. The sad part is....this cant be fixed while he is 7600 miles away. This is what I mean when I say that our issues cant be resolved like normal couples can do. 

Babe, I love you. I need you to really see that even though you are doing your part in taking care of our family and I couldnt be more grateful...you really need to learn and train yourself to take care of me, my feelings, my heart. NO ONE can do that like you can. I dont want anyone to do that for me. Its not the girls' job to make sure Im ok. Its not their job to make sure that Im happy. Its YOURS! 

No, Im not gonna sit here and say Im done, its over, I want a divorce because in reality, thats not true. I will say that I dont want to live like this anymore and I want to feel like I truly have my other half that is in tune with me like I am with him. Im not putting all the blame on you either. I feel as though I cant do my part and be 100 with you if all I get from you is a "its whatever" kind of response, reaction or feeling. You take for granted that I will always be here. That may be true but if you care, you will want me to be here living as happy a life as I can given our circumstances. If you give a shit, you wont want me to be this raging bitch that Im so good at being. 

So today, I dont want to talk to him. I dont want to see his face. I will stay in my shit. Be pissy and keep going on with life. Im sure 90% of you dont give a flying fuck about how I feel or where Im at in life but this is for me, so along with my darling husband, FUCK YOU TOO! 

TODAY IS MY "I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING" DAY. 

Im entitled so be it. Im over all the bullshit and today, Im over everyone. 

Frustration doesnt cover it today. Im pissed the fuck off and honestly, I have no idea how or when it will go away.

I dont think Im perfect in any way and I dont think I know everything whatsoever. I dont deal with things the "correct" way and I dont handle situations right, most of the time. Im better at giving advice than taking it. Im a bitch and if you piss me off, Im a bigger bitch. Its who I am and how I deal. Im not an emotional person in that tears rarely fall. I usually tell my kids and friends, "find a solution"...."fuck being sad or angry, use that time to fix whatever is wrong"..."Only YOU can make things better for YOU"....Umm yea, all that shit, FUCK IT! NOT TODAY!

Sean is subscribed to my blog. He fully supports it. He knows when I post one. Today, I could care less if he reads this and no, I wont send him the link. I honestly DO NOT CARE right now.

So here is to Tuesday...the day my NOT GIVING A FUCK is out in FULL FORCE. Oh well, life goes on, right?