Dear Husband, Youre A DICK!

YALL WANT REAL AND RAW?! WELL HERE YA GO..NO HOLDS BARRED. THIS IS REAL LIFE.

Yesterday I was annoyed but I kept on with my day. FTed my BFFL for life and as I was talking about how Ive been feeling, I kind of got choked up. I stopped myself because crying just isnt what I do. I went on with my day, watched DWTS and picked up my kiddo from work. Around 10pm I went upstairs and got into bed, as usual. That's when my annoyance from the entire day turned into a big FUCK YOU to Sean.

He called, started off ok. Talked about random stuff. I told him Ive been annoyed and felt like shit all day. So WHY THE FUCK would he keep annoying me in his attempt to make me feel better?! This is what he does. He thinks if I laugh just a little, its great. NO! Its not! I wasnt laughing because you were funny, I was laughing because youre a fucking idiot! I was getting pissed because somewhere in your fucked up head, you think pissing me off further is hilarious. Like, are we not on the same planet?! If I tell you "Just stop! Youre annoying me even more" and you continue...its going to turn into "Youre a fucking asshole, I cant stand you!" which is EXACTLY what happened. Youve been with me for 13 yrs and you STILL dont get it. You STILL dont understand that I dont need stupid jokes, stupid comments or stupidity in general when I feel like this. Do you realize that this last week, Ive been privately missing the fuck out of you?! NOPE! Do you know that I have been physically sick because at times I want you here so badly?! NOPE! The reason you dont know is because I dont feel like I should tell you. Your response would be fucking ridiculous. You would say something stupid and not get what Im feeling. So no, you havent seen that part of me but it exists. I dont show my raw emotional side to anyone really. I need more than an "I know" from my fucking husband! Your communication skills have always sucked, as much as weve discussed this throughout our relationship and yet still, this is how you are. 

I decided at one last attempt to change the subject. Ive been needing to send a care package to him. I suck at that, yes. But yesterday I thought that I want to get another bunch of pictures printed out of the family to send him. He needed some updated ones. Ive been missing him and looking at pics and getting all in my feels lately. When I bring it up, it turns out that the first bunch of pics I sent him werent taped up on his wall or even taped in his wall locker in his room. They werent in a drawer in his desk, or on his headboard. Theyre in a god damn envelope put away on a shelf in his locker. Probably at the bottom of a pile of shit in there. A fucking bomb exploded in my head! Are you fucking kidding me?! No fucking wonder you are totally detached from me, the kids, my feeling, etc. I dont give a FUCK that you see my face every day! His reason for them being in there? "I dont want them fucked up or getting dusty" FUCK THAT AND FUCK YOU! Needless to say, I went kind of postal and told him Im not sending a god damn thing. I told him that Im done, I hate you and I dont want to talk to him anymore. He tried to diffuse my anger, not happening. So he said he needed to go to bed and told me that I did, too. My response "Yea I do, FUCK YOU" and hung up on him. I texted him that Im sick of his shit, I dont want to talk to him for a LONG WHILE or until its necessary and I dont see anything important coming up so I was done. Of course its still unread. Knowing him, he either went to the batting cages or he turned on his Xbox to play his dumbass games or stayed up till all hours watching Netflix. I honestly dont even give a fuck. Thats what he does. He is a FUCKING ASSHOLE!

Ive told him numerous times that we dont need to talk every night. We run out of shit to talk about. This is a "luxury" that we have now that we didnt when he was deployed with the Army. He says he WILL call me every night because "thats what I do". Ok, the thought of it is cute. But I think we are passed that cute stage in our marriage and its not really necessary. If something comes up, I can text him during his work shift. Hes not in a combat zone, I have 0 worries that he would talk to other women. The only other thing he may do is catch up on his porn. I dont even give a fuck about that. It comes with the territory and hes a dude so its whatever. 

Im a brat, Im self righteous, Im downright fucking mean. I say mean shit a lot. It may not be the right way to handle shit but I really need my point to get across to him. I feel like he's so passive, he just blows me off and blows my anger off because he thinks Ill just "get over it". Ummm WRONG! It will sit there and build and build and then I really unleash. WHY THE FUCK do I have to get to that point in order for you to truly understand?! 

He is stuck in his own world there and its easy for him to turn my world off, like a light switch. He goes on with his day or night and doesnt think about the issues we are having. Especially not to the extent that I do. Maybe its because thats ALL I have to do with my time or maybe he truly just thinks all is great or will be so he doesnt have to put any thought or effort into anything.

BULLSHIT!

I wont be the only one working at trying to keep this marriage going. I wont be the only one to stress about shit. I wont be the only one feeling like shit for days because things arent good between us. I wont spend all my time trying to come up with ways to make you truly understand where Im coming from and what I need. Yes, your life over there is monotonous. Nothing changes. Same routine every day. Mine too, for the most part but I have to live in THIS world and deal with everything that comes along. Things do change here. People change and its time you change a little. If you want to stay stagnant because youre too full of your world to see what Im going through, then simply GO FUCK YOURSELF.

See, Im not in a coddling place with our marriage anymore. Ive had these issues many times before. Pointed out how selfish youve been, etc. It always goes back to this. Of course, Im being a bitch. Because I need you to see that Ive grown and just because you THINK I have it all under control, you KNOW I definitely dont. NONE of this is news to you.

My husband is supposed to be my best friend. The ONE person that knows me inside and out. The ONE person I can be vulnerable with, be emotional with and be happy with. Well, we arent best friends. I cant cry in front of him because he doesnt know how to react to it. I cant get vulnerable with him because I refuse to let my guard down like that. He sees me as this strong Superwoman and thats how I try to be at all times. I dont break down to him. He doesnt know how to make it better. Soooo, here we are. Yes, we tell each other everything. We are first priority with each other. I think what we are is HABITUAL more than anything. Of course, there is love there. However, is it that deep down soul shaking love that soulmates have? I honestly dont know. I dont feel it from his side and if I feel it, I wont let it be known. The sad part is....this cant be fixed while he is 7600 miles away. This is what I mean when I say that our issues cant be resolved like normal couples can do. 

Babe, I love you. I need you to really see that even though you are doing your part in taking care of our family and I couldnt be more grateful...you really need to learn and train yourself to take care of me, my feelings, my heart. NO ONE can do that like you can. I dont want anyone to do that for me. Its not the girls' job to make sure Im ok. Its not their job to make sure that Im happy. Its YOURS! 

No, Im not gonna sit here and say Im done, its over, I want a divorce because in reality, thats not true. I will say that I dont want to live like this anymore and I want to feel like I truly have my other half that is in tune with me like I am with him. Im not putting all the blame on you either. I feel as though I cant do my part and be 100 with you if all I get from you is a "its whatever" kind of response, reaction or feeling. You take for granted that I will always be here. That may be true but if you care, you will want me to be here living as happy a life as I can given our circumstances. If you give a shit, you wont want me to be this raging bitch that Im so good at being. 

So today, I dont want to talk to him. I dont want to see his face. I will stay in my shit. Be pissy and keep going on with life. Im sure 90% of you dont give a flying fuck about how I feel or where Im at in life but this is for me, so along with my darling husband, FUCK YOU TOO! 

TODAY IS MY "I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING" DAY. 

Im entitled so be it. Im over all the bullshit and today, Im over everyone. 

Frustration doesnt cover it today. Im pissed the fuck off and honestly, I have no idea how or when it will go away.

I dont think Im perfect in any way and I dont think I know everything whatsoever. I dont deal with things the "correct" way and I dont handle situations right, most of the time. Im better at giving advice than taking it. Im a bitch and if you piss me off, Im a bigger bitch. Its who I am and how I deal. Im not an emotional person in that tears rarely fall. I usually tell my kids and friends, "find a solution"...."fuck being sad or angry, use that time to fix whatever is wrong"..."Only YOU can make things better for YOU"....Umm yea, all that shit, FUCK IT! NOT TODAY!

Sean is subscribed to my blog. He fully supports it. He knows when I post one. Today, I could care less if he reads this and no, I wont send him the link. I honestly DO NOT CARE right now.

So here is to Tuesday...the day my NOT GIVING A FUCK is out in FULL FORCE. Oh well, life goes on, right?