Strength Comes In Numbers

Wow! Its 2 days before Thanksgiving...what an insane couple of months Ive had!

Ive been thinking a lot lately...about life, my family, my friends...trying to figure out how I got to the point Im at. How I keep surviving each day. Just to give an idea of whats happened in my life the last couple of months...

*My ex mother in law passed away in September, my girls' Nana who Ive always stayed close to..
 This was a HARD loss for everyone. Its always tough when a matriarch passes away. My girls first loss as adults. We made the trip to Atlanta for her funeral. Talk about a range of emotions. We were n the area that I lived in with my ex, surrounded by memories and places and people from my abusive past with my ex husband. I had to hold it down and be strong for my kids. I was there to support them and help them deal with one of the biggest losses of their lives. Emotions ran high for everyone that week. It was good to see people I havent seen in decades. I also got to visit my mother's grave, saw my aunt and the rest of my family minus my brothers. I was able to see ALL of my nieces and nephews which was awesome! My sister and I buried our issues and reconciled and I am most grateful for that.

*Sean came home unexpectedly. The consulate in Iraq shut down per the state department and basically, he was/is out of work. While I was happy he was coming home, I was also scared. We work great as a team and even if I didnt know how we would make it, I knew we would somehow. Currently, he is set to go to Afghanistan on a new contract so its just a waiting game at this point. In the meantime, Im loving having him home and Im so grateful he is home for Thanksgiving.

*My youngest daughter and I had a MAJOR fallout. Without going into detail...she was gone and I didnt talk to her and I didnt for sure know where she was for 2 days. It was the most devastating, heartbreaking 2 days EVER. During that time, I felt like a failure as a mother. Struggling to stick to my guns about demanding respect but at the same time, wanting to cave and give in to her just to have her home. I wanted to give up completely. She is JUST LIKE ME. We clash but its never been this bad. I wanted to die. I wanted to not exist. I felt I was to blame for everything negative in my children's lives. Sean was home but he stayed out of it for the most part because he knew that her and I had to get through this. Her sisters were there for her and for me but in the end, her and I had to deal with it. After some hard realizations on both of our parts, after a long talk and after some wonderful advice from my tribe of angels (my besties), we got through it. We have an understanding and through it all, she was receptive to what I need from her as I was to her.

* Sean and I took a quick surprise trip to Oklahoma to surprise my Bestie for her birthday. What a FABULOUS weekend! They are moving so I was so glad to see her and her family!

All thats happened had me thinking a lot about who and what I get my strength from. How do I literally deal with the day to day bullshit of LIFE?! My people. Thats how. I am fortunate enough to have a handful of people in my life who are there 100% for me. Even when I dont want to reach out, they know and they have my back consistently. I need people to call me on my bullshit, uplift me, encourage me and give me support when I have no faith in myself. There are days when I dont want to wake up. I dont want to talk to anyone. When all of a sudden, I get a text from one of  my people asking how I am or what's up or if I'm ok. I get reminded of all the trials and tribulations Ive been through in my life and how I am still standing tall today. I get reminded that I have strength to deal with anything that comes along. I am reminded to have faith. I am told how special I truly am. How I impact other lives and the positivity I bring to their lives. Advice that is given is priceless. Before you know it, I am feeling competent again and I KNOW I can handle whatever comes along.

My daughters are also a HUGE part of where I get my strength and will to keep going. They are grown. I felt as though I wasnt needed anymore. They have their lives and my job raising them is done. HELL NO ITS NOT!  I specifically remember days when I literally felt useless and I was just done. Ive even told them on occasion that Im done. Truth be told, I will never be done. The thought of hanging on JUST because I have 3 children who I created, needed me to, has gotten me through some dark days. They might be raised but I know that I will ALWAYS have to be that pillar of strength for them. Being a mother to adults has challenges. Thankfully Ive seen that they still need me, just in a different capacity. I am enough. I am #1 with them and that alone gets me through the toughest of times.

Sean is my rock. His communication skills may suck at times, but without a doubt, he is there for me to the best of his ability. I no longer have expectations of him. I accept him for who he is completely. I make more of an effort to understand things from his side. Finally realizing we work better as a team has definitely been an epiphany for me.  From this angle, I know I am loved, I know I am taken care of and I know someone has my best interest in mind 100!

Faith and spirituality has been a huge factor for me lately. The unknown is scary. But its inevitable. I have learned that I need to truly have faith that things are going to be ok. I may not know how but failing is not an option so together, we will find a way to make every and any thing work. Ive done a lot of soul searching alone and with my close friends. I am open to a lot more about myself. It feels like Im learning something new every day. For the first time in a long while, I finally feel like I am cared about and loved by others. I feel it in my heart and soul that I am worthy of being loved. I dont have to take on everything by myself and there is nothing wrong with leaning on others when I feel lost. Definitely a hard pill for this strong willed, I can handle everything on my own, woman to swallow.

Through my family, through my best friends...life is not so dreary and bleak anymore for me. I see a light. It may be foggy at times but its there. I no longer feel like I am alone for the first time in forever. I DO have friends that truly care about my well being. I have a husband who loves me to no end and I have 3 amazing daughters who see me as their world. I dont have to take on every thing that comes up by myself and I dont have to have all of the answers. I have faith, hope and trust and that has become enough for me. I dont HAVE to have all the answers. I need positivity and good vibes in order for my mind and soul to be complete and I have that, finally.

My oldest daughter is moving back home this week. Finally done with her ex boyfriend of 7 yrs and she is ready to start a new life. I could not be more thrilled for her! She is strong like her mom and her future looks so bright. She hasnt lived with me since she was 17, she is now 24. It will be challenging at times but we will make it through it, like always.

So life keeps coming, throwing curve balls all the time...I feel like Ive found ways to cope and handle things in a manner that is healthy and prosperous for me and for everyone involved.

Find yourself a handful of people that bring light to your life. Find faith and hope that things happen how they are supposed to and everything happens for a reason. Dig deep inside to find your inner strength that you never knew existed. If that is hard for you, lean on your people. Let them uplift you until you can keep yourself up.

I dont know how I would survive without my people. It just wouldnt be possible and I could not be more grateful. I wont have negativity in my life anymore. I wont be emotionally or mentally drained by anyone because I have others depending on me to be strong. Peace, love and light sounds so cliche but its so spot on. Its how I must live my life today. Sean, my daughters, my family, Clara, Mel, Laurie, Carmen, Nancy (who doesnt even have social media anymore lol) and the others, you know who you are....you are my strength, you are my reason, you are my heart. Thank you for being who you are and thank you for loving me unconditionally and being there for me even when I didnt want anyone. FOREVER THANKFUL!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!! Hope 2019 brings you all you want and more!

I'm A Walking Double Standard Hypocrite

Yup, that's me and for the FIRST time, I can own that shit!

Like most people, I can give advice...GREAT advice...but in my own world, I dont apply it. I dont even have an answer as to why that is. Maybe its because everyone else's problems matter more than mine in my eyes. It could be because I dont "off" my shit on other people. I dont like burdening others with my problems, feelings, issues, etc. No one cares about what Im going through. No one gives a shit about my daily struggles. No one cares about my emotional or mental well being. What matters to me is that everyone I am surrounded by or stay in touch with is doing ok. That they are happy, content and living life to their fullest potential. People come to ME, no way in hell do I reach out. Yet, I preach that problems cant be solved alone. I preach for my friends to reach out for help. I tell my friends "we will get through this together" or "I will carry you until youre strong enough to carry yourself" or "Im there for you at any time or place"..."You are not alone"...

So why in the hell does this not apply to myself?! Why cant I let people in to help me? Because I dont feel like Im worth the trouble. I can handle my shit on my own and I dont need anyone's help or guidance. I dont feel like my problems or anything Im going through is important. Everyone else comes before me. I think I learned this from my mother. Being selfless, caring and nurturing. While those are wonderful traits to have, Ive realized that it can also bite me in the ass...HARD! Whether its putting myself in a position to get taken advantage of, whether its allowing people to suck the life out of me, making it so I feel like I just dont matter to anyone. The worst thing about this is, Im totally fine with that. Like how fucked up is that???

So yesterday was a SHITTY DAY! Like it was absolutely terrible. I gave no fucks. I just didnt care. I was more than willing to go through whatever it was alone. I was not willing to put anymore effort into making things better. I dont like to say I gave up but that is exactly what I did. I was DONE! It would pass and Id be fine eventually. In reality, Id been feeling negative for a while now. How did I deal? I snapped at my kids. I snapped at my husband. I turned dumb shit into huge issues and let that fester into resentment. I used all the minor bullshit to allow me to unleash all my anger towards life onto him. I also engulfed myself in other things. Other people. Distractions. I can say now that as devastating as it is, I let the natural disasters around the world affect me in a way that it redirected my sadness about my own life to others. I cried for days about Hurricane Harvey and the devastation. Of course, it was horrible. Of course it was worrisome. But in hindsight, to let it affect me as bad a it did...ummm no. In a way, I subconsciously used that as an outlet.

I posted a blog yesterday of quotes which pretty much explained how I was feeling. The lazy way of expressing myself. Well, a very close friend, I can definitely say she is a best friend of mine, called me. Literally at the height of my IDGAF state of mind. I was so irate, I was currently arguing with my husband over text messages and there she was, her FT call came through. Talk about unleashing the gates of hell. I fucking raged! I was so fucking angry at my husband. I vented to her, I let a lot of it out. I didnt ask for her to hear me out, it just happened. Looking at her as I did this, I could see that she was in shock. She has seen me pissed off but never irate like this and I could see she literally didnt know what to say or do. Im the one who has it together. Im the one who comes up with solutions. She is the emotional one. She is the one that I build up when shes upset. We've been friends since about since 2007-2008. She has seen me go through some shit..in my life, in my relationship, you name it. Shes always been supportive. We have definitely been through a lot together. After we hung up yesterday, I was still off. Very off. That evening, her boyfriend texted me. As it turns out, her boyfriend is a battle buddy of Sean's and one of his few best friends. N and J have been together for over 2 years and yes, I take credit for them meeting, TOTALLY lol J and I have obviously been friends for a very long time. He and Sean are brothers but he and I have also formed a friendship of our own through the years. Its even been said that he and I talk more than him and Sean. To us, totally normal. Im a chick so Im here to talk real shit with him. Sean and J are dudes so when they talk, its about dude stuff, stupid shit, Army days....regular guy stuff but to them, that is what makes them KNOW how close they were. Besides youre not going to see dudes talk to each other about feeling, relationships, etc. J and Sean are guy's guys. Demented, twisted, smartass, straight up brothers. 

Back to his text....

"Alright Hooker, N tells me yall are back to square one. Spill the beans"

Of course I didnt mind that N told J about Sean and I. I expected it. They both love us and they want us ok. Ive talked to them both through the years when Sean and I have had problems before. I even flew J out to visit a couple years ago to snap some reality into Sean. That didnt happen but nonetheless, the visit was great, much needed and the surprise made it totally worth it. It had been 10 yrs since they saw each other. I have been there for J and N through problems in their relationship. Its good when a person knows both people well enough that they can be neutral and 100% honest about shit. Thats how we are with each other. No bullshit, no sugarcoating, no pussy footing...its more like "Mother Fucker, tell me whats up and then Ill tell you where YOU went wrong" or somewhere along those lines. Its honesty at its purest. That kind of friendship is very special. Its from a place of pure love, as rude as we get with each other, its true lol

N "recruited" J into this because with my dominant personality, she felt like he could talk to me and get down to the real issues I was having. I can honestly say that NO ONE has EVER talked to me the way J does. Even my husband says that. My kids get a kick out of hearing him me call me out on my shit because no one does. I dont allow it and I dont take it well so I project all that shit elsewhere. I cant do that with J. He is literally is in my face, here is what youre doing and gives me a male's point of view on what he thinks of the situation. Whats even better is that he knows Sean as well, in some ways better, than me. J doesnt give a damn if I get pissed at him because me hearing the truth and getting mad is better than me being in denial about what I THINK is the problem. He knows I love him and if I get pissed, Ill get over it. I love our dynamic though. He wont hesitate in calling me a dumbass mother fucker because I refuse to see Sean's side of anything. Because Im so self righteous and because Im hypocritical...TO THE MAX.

Well I proceeded to ATTEMPT to unleash to J everything I unleashed to N earlier. Well that didnt go over the same AT ALL! It turned into what is the REAL issue and why am I so pissed at little shit to the extreme it got to. Every little issue I THOUGHT I had, J had a rebuttal in that my expectations of Sean were unreal...as in not realistic at all. I was contradictory, I was hypocritical and talk about double standard...absofuckinglutely. NEVER has my relationship and the fact that Im a bratty bitch been thrown back at me...EVER! It was a rude awakening but one that I needed badly. So after alot of talking, me ALMOST crying, it all came out. What the deep seeded issue was. Why Ive been so angry and so SAD. See, I wasnt angry...annoyed but I wasnt angry at Sean at all. Bottom line, I was SAD. VERY SAD. Sadness is an emotion that I dont allow myself to feel at all. Its much easier for me to get pissed and project on to others, mostly my husband who doesnt deserve it. My sadness is because simply...

I WANT MY HUSBAND HOME.

Hearing those words, saying those words felt like a flood rushing over me. I am tired of being alone. I am struggling to find my place in this world. I am struggling with taking care of me. Brooke doesnt matter. Brooke can handle anything that comes her way. Shes fucking SUPERWOMAN and being vulnerable is NOT in her nature. Being vulnerable to the ONE person she should be with is definitely not in her nature. She is has to be strong and have her shit together and NO ONE can see her be "weak" whatsoever. She doesnt need anyone to help her with anything. SHE CAN DO IT ALL ALONE because shes a badass and can deal. Sean doesnt need to know what she is dealing with on the real because he cant handle it. He doesnt need to take on her issues because he doesnt need stress added to his life over there.

Well, Brooke is a hard headed, delusional, self righteous DUMBASS.

As J and N are pointing all of this out to me, Im realizing all of what they are saying is true. I dont WANT to have this disconnection with my husband. I want to be able to trust him enough to take care of me emotionally. But god damm, letting these walls down...IDK man! Letting him see me cry, allowing him to be there for me, accepting the love I know he has for me...sooooo difficult for me. Ive always been the strong one, the dominant one, the one with all the answers. He's been the emotionless, blank, hard working, passive one that doesnt say half of what is on his mind for fear that I will chop his fucking head off (another realization I had during this "intervention"). Sean even compared me to a praying mantis, you know, the one that bites the head off her mate. Yea, totally true and totally me.

I wasnt sure if Sean would call me at our normal time because the last texts we had were not nice at all and he knew I was in a rage. Part of me thought he would but part of me didnt just for the fact he knows Im a bitch when Im in this place. He called. I declined to let J and N know he was calling..a second later Sean texts me "Come on"...I hang up with J and N and I call him back. 

"We have to figure this shit out"...30 mins later, I was a blubbering fool. I couldnt breathe out of my nose because it was so stuffy from crying. Granted, I tilted my phone to the ceiling at times, it was hard for me to look directly at him during this but the flood gates opened...well, more likely EXPLODED. Surprisingly, I allowed myself to see how he felt, too. The things he doesnt tell me came out. The feelings he is usually passive about were seen and felt. So I WASNT alone! OMG! The every day life he misses out on is hard for him. Being tired of being alone, he gets it. Me being the one who takes care of everything, he acknowledges it. He even offered to help pay half the bills online for me if I gave him the login and passwords lol His way of trying to take some of life's bullshit off my shoulders. I finally opened my eyes to his thoughts and feelings and the way he was dealing with our situation. I allowed myself to break down and be vulnerable, trusting him to nurture my true feelings. Putting this on him like I am supposed to. Allowing my HUSBAND to be there for me. Well, this was a totally new concept to me. In reality, if I cant open up to my husband and allow him to share OUR life together, what the fuck?! Right?! So during this deep conversation, of course I talked to him and explained in depth why I need him to do certain things, the real reason why certain things bother me. He heard me out, he understood where I was coming from and he agreed to try harder. Thats all I can ask for. Its not gonna happen overnight so I cant expect it to. 

From this "new experience", the one thing that J threw at me, the thing that sticks out and is on repeat in my head...MY EXPECTATIONS OF SEAN ARE UNREALISTIC. The responses I WANT him to have to me are unrealistic, for him. I cant expect him to act a certain way, react a certain way or do a specific thing JUST because its what I want from him. Especially if Im not making an effort to think of his feelings or how he is dealing with things. 

All of the times hes taken me for granted, Ive done the same obviously so how can I get so mad if Im doing the exact same thing? Because no one has called me out on it until now because the double standard thing is how Ive always been. How can I give such good advice to everyone else when I dont apply it to my own life? Because Im a hypocrite. Plain and simple. I need to get my shit togther and be willing to be completely open with the important people in my life before I can advise others to do that. I need to have faith in MY relationship and MY husband before I can tell others to do the same. I have to trust my husband to take care of me in the ways I obviously need before I can tell anyone else to let their walls down with their partner. 

Im not perfect. Apparently I DONT have my shit together like I like to think I do. I am a strong person but I am not bulletproof so my Superwoman cape is going in the closet for a while. At least until I can find a balance. Being vulnerable doesnt have to be scary, not when the people that matter most in your life love and care for you. 

Through all of his self awareness, trust me when I say that I STILL know what Im talking about when my friends come to me. I STILL have the answers that will work. I just need to apply them to my life. So I will use this post as a letter to myself that I can look back at to remind myself of the way I NEED to be.

Lesson learned. All I can do is work on it from this point on. My walls are high and thick. One brick, one level at a time.

Im adding this screenshot because it means the world to me and to Sean. He sent this to me as I was talking to Sean. If he gets pissed, oh well...he will deny it because hes a hard-ass so yea, I have proof what a softie he is...he is the REAL DEAL!

Dear Husband, Youre A DICK!

YALL WANT REAL AND RAW?! WELL HERE YA GO..NO HOLDS BARRED. THIS IS REAL LIFE.

Yesterday I was annoyed but I kept on with my day. FTed my BFFL for life and as I was talking about how Ive been feeling, I kind of got choked up. I stopped myself because crying just isnt what I do. I went on with my day, watched DWTS and picked up my kiddo from work. Around 10pm I went upstairs and got into bed, as usual. That's when my annoyance from the entire day turned into a big FUCK YOU to Sean.

He called, started off ok. Talked about random stuff. I told him Ive been annoyed and felt like shit all day. So WHY THE FUCK would he keep annoying me in his attempt to make me feel better?! This is what he does. He thinks if I laugh just a little, its great. NO! Its not! I wasnt laughing because you were funny, I was laughing because youre a fucking idiot! I was getting pissed because somewhere in your fucked up head, you think pissing me off further is hilarious. Like, are we not on the same planet?! If I tell you "Just stop! Youre annoying me even more" and you continue...its going to turn into "Youre a fucking asshole, I cant stand you!" which is EXACTLY what happened. Youve been with me for 13 yrs and you STILL dont get it. You STILL dont understand that I dont need stupid jokes, stupid comments or stupidity in general when I feel like this. Do you realize that this last week, Ive been privately missing the fuck out of you?! NOPE! Do you know that I have been physically sick because at times I want you here so badly?! NOPE! The reason you dont know is because I dont feel like I should tell you. Your response would be fucking ridiculous. You would say something stupid and not get what Im feeling. So no, you havent seen that part of me but it exists. I dont show my raw emotional side to anyone really. I need more than an "I know" from my fucking husband! Your communication skills have always sucked, as much as weve discussed this throughout our relationship and yet still, this is how you are. 

I decided at one last attempt to change the subject. Ive been needing to send a care package to him. I suck at that, yes. But yesterday I thought that I want to get another bunch of pictures printed out of the family to send him. He needed some updated ones. Ive been missing him and looking at pics and getting all in my feels lately. When I bring it up, it turns out that the first bunch of pics I sent him werent taped up on his wall or even taped in his wall locker in his room. They werent in a drawer in his desk, or on his headboard. Theyre in a god damn envelope put away on a shelf in his locker. Probably at the bottom of a pile of shit in there. A fucking bomb exploded in my head! Are you fucking kidding me?! No fucking wonder you are totally detached from me, the kids, my feeling, etc. I dont give a FUCK that you see my face every day! His reason for them being in there? "I dont want them fucked up or getting dusty" FUCK THAT AND FUCK YOU! Needless to say, I went kind of postal and told him Im not sending a god damn thing. I told him that Im done, I hate you and I dont want to talk to him anymore. He tried to diffuse my anger, not happening. So he said he needed to go to bed and told me that I did, too. My response "Yea I do, FUCK YOU" and hung up on him. I texted him that Im sick of his shit, I dont want to talk to him for a LONG WHILE or until its necessary and I dont see anything important coming up so I was done. Of course its still unread. Knowing him, he either went to the batting cages or he turned on his Xbox to play his dumbass games or stayed up till all hours watching Netflix. I honestly dont even give a fuck. Thats what he does. He is a FUCKING ASSHOLE!

Ive told him numerous times that we dont need to talk every night. We run out of shit to talk about. This is a "luxury" that we have now that we didnt when he was deployed with the Army. He says he WILL call me every night because "thats what I do". Ok, the thought of it is cute. But I think we are passed that cute stage in our marriage and its not really necessary. If something comes up, I can text him during his work shift. Hes not in a combat zone, I have 0 worries that he would talk to other women. The only other thing he may do is catch up on his porn. I dont even give a fuck about that. It comes with the territory and hes a dude so its whatever. 

Im a brat, Im self righteous, Im downright fucking mean. I say mean shit a lot. It may not be the right way to handle shit but I really need my point to get across to him. I feel like he's so passive, he just blows me off and blows my anger off because he thinks Ill just "get over it". Ummm WRONG! It will sit there and build and build and then I really unleash. WHY THE FUCK do I have to get to that point in order for you to truly understand?! 

He is stuck in his own world there and its easy for him to turn my world off, like a light switch. He goes on with his day or night and doesnt think about the issues we are having. Especially not to the extent that I do. Maybe its because thats ALL I have to do with my time or maybe he truly just thinks all is great or will be so he doesnt have to put any thought or effort into anything.

BULLSHIT!

I wont be the only one working at trying to keep this marriage going. I wont be the only one to stress about shit. I wont be the only one feeling like shit for days because things arent good between us. I wont spend all my time trying to come up with ways to make you truly understand where Im coming from and what I need. Yes, your life over there is monotonous. Nothing changes. Same routine every day. Mine too, for the most part but I have to live in THIS world and deal with everything that comes along. Things do change here. People change and its time you change a little. If you want to stay stagnant because youre too full of your world to see what Im going through, then simply GO FUCK YOURSELF.

See, Im not in a coddling place with our marriage anymore. Ive had these issues many times before. Pointed out how selfish youve been, etc. It always goes back to this. Of course, Im being a bitch. Because I need you to see that Ive grown and just because you THINK I have it all under control, you KNOW I definitely dont. NONE of this is news to you.

My husband is supposed to be my best friend. The ONE person that knows me inside and out. The ONE person I can be vulnerable with, be emotional with and be happy with. Well, we arent best friends. I cant cry in front of him because he doesnt know how to react to it. I cant get vulnerable with him because I refuse to let my guard down like that. He sees me as this strong Superwoman and thats how I try to be at all times. I dont break down to him. He doesnt know how to make it better. Soooo, here we are. Yes, we tell each other everything. We are first priority with each other. I think what we are is HABITUAL more than anything. Of course, there is love there. However, is it that deep down soul shaking love that soulmates have? I honestly dont know. I dont feel it from his side and if I feel it, I wont let it be known. The sad part is....this cant be fixed while he is 7600 miles away. This is what I mean when I say that our issues cant be resolved like normal couples can do. 

Babe, I love you. I need you to really see that even though you are doing your part in taking care of our family and I couldnt be more grateful...you really need to learn and train yourself to take care of me, my feelings, my heart. NO ONE can do that like you can. I dont want anyone to do that for me. Its not the girls' job to make sure Im ok. Its not their job to make sure that Im happy. Its YOURS! 

No, Im not gonna sit here and say Im done, its over, I want a divorce because in reality, thats not true. I will say that I dont want to live like this anymore and I want to feel like I truly have my other half that is in tune with me like I am with him. Im not putting all the blame on you either. I feel as though I cant do my part and be 100 with you if all I get from you is a "its whatever" kind of response, reaction or feeling. You take for granted that I will always be here. That may be true but if you care, you will want me to be here living as happy a life as I can given our circumstances. If you give a shit, you wont want me to be this raging bitch that Im so good at being. 

So today, I dont want to talk to him. I dont want to see his face. I will stay in my shit. Be pissy and keep going on with life. Im sure 90% of you dont give a flying fuck about how I feel or where Im at in life but this is for me, so along with my darling husband, FUCK YOU TOO! 

TODAY IS MY "I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING" DAY. 

Im entitled so be it. Im over all the bullshit and today, Im over everyone. 

Frustration doesnt cover it today. Im pissed the fuck off and honestly, I have no idea how or when it will go away.

I dont think Im perfect in any way and I dont think I know everything whatsoever. I dont deal with things the "correct" way and I dont handle situations right, most of the time. Im better at giving advice than taking it. Im a bitch and if you piss me off, Im a bigger bitch. Its who I am and how I deal. Im not an emotional person in that tears rarely fall. I usually tell my kids and friends, "find a solution"...."fuck being sad or angry, use that time to fix whatever is wrong"..."Only YOU can make things better for YOU"....Umm yea, all that shit, FUCK IT! NOT TODAY!

Sean is subscribed to my blog. He fully supports it. He knows when I post one. Today, I could care less if he reads this and no, I wont send him the link. I honestly DO NOT CARE right now.

So here is to Tuesday...the day my NOT GIVING A FUCK is out in FULL FORCE. Oh well, life goes on, right?

The Frustration is REAL

...At least this is what I keep telling myself.....

Im fucking aggravated and its taking all I have to really keep this in perspective.

My husband has been home for just over 70 days since October 2015. When he chose this contracting job, I supported it 100%. The Soldier in him missed this kind of work and I knew that I could handle deployments. At the time he left for Iraq in 2015, we were both ready for him to go. We were at each other's throats. Sleeping in separate bedrooms. His presence annoyed the hell out of me. He had been home for a good 9 mths (minus 7 weeks of job training in NC) EVERY DAY, ALL DAY LONG. We were barely speaking. Just waiting and waiting for that phone call for him to deploy. The call finally came on a Friday morning. He was leaving 24 hours later. There is no time to actually let this sink in so off he went to spend over $1000 on things he would need to leave the next morning. When I took him to the airport, it was honestly awkward. We hadnt been intimate in quite some time. Not even a hug. But even though our pride was HUGE, I said fuck it..he's leaving and he is my husband. I gave him a quick kiss and hug goodbye. Told him to call me when he could and he was off.

The rotation is SUPPOSED to be 105 days deployed, 35 home with 5 days of requal in NC. During those 40 days stateside, he doesnt get paid. SO needless to say, we havent gotten to experience the short deployments. He's extended so we could save enough money to live and pay bills while he was home.

As you can see, we were ready for some distance between us. Our "see ya soon" at the airport 

He was gone for 7 mths the first time. He missed Thanksgiving, Christmas and everything after. He came home the day after Mother's Day. Days before our daughter was getting married. That month was INSANE! She got married. He and I went to San Antonio for the weekend. We all went to Houston to see our other daughter for a few days. We bought a brand new car, as he promised he would. He bought me an early 10th anniversary gift since he would be gone for it. A 2 ct diamond anniversary band...Im obsessed with it! His brother came to visit from Maine for a week. Our now son in law left to go to Basic Training for the Army. Life was hectic and crazy and barely had time to breathe, much less really enjoy each other like we should have. It was great having him home. Him being gone had brought us closer in a way and made us realize alot about our marriage and how we wanted it to be. When things are taken away from you, it tends to make you appreciate them more. In this case, my husband...his wife. The day after Father's Day, it was time for him to go to NC to requal and then back to Iraq. It was kind of a tease for him to be stateside for another week but not at home. During the time he was gone, we video chatted every day via Skype or FB messenger video and then he got an iPad so texting and FaceTiming was our thing.

Christmas 2015 "Family" pic

  

May 9 2016, Welcome Home

May 14 2016, parents of the bride...he is still jetlagged

San Antonio, a weekend getaway for us

This next deployment again lasted 7 mths. During this time, our youngest started her Junior year of high school. My son in law graduated Basic Training. Graduated AIT and made it home for Thanksgiving. After that, they moved to their first duty station in El Paso. Yay for being in the same state but seeing that Texas is fucking huge, it was still an 8 hour drive. So off they went to really begin married life. Christmas came and went. All 3 girls came home to spend it with me. For the 2nd Christmas in a row, he spent it with us via Facetime. He watched the kids open their gifts on a screen. This has happened a few times actually. I guess you could say I was used to this and I had my kids and I was happy. Sadly, in December, I lost a very good friend of mine so I took an unplanned quick trip to Oregon for his funeral. I was able to reunite with a few guys that I hadnt seen in years. They were all in Sean's unit and they are like brothers to me. Matt was one of Sean's Soldiers in 2004-5 and I knew him before I knew my husband.

Reunion after 10 yrs, my bros

We Love You, Matty

The 3 Amigos, RIP Matty!

Our Christmas 2016 "Family" pic

We were getting excited because he was coming home in January. A lot had happened the 7 mths be was gone, things between us were great and we couldnt wait for him to be home.

Welcome Home #2

We decided to take it easy this leave. Last time, things were so hectic, he just wanted to relax. We DID decide to drive to El Paso to see the kids for a week. It was an amazing time and it was the first time any of my children hosted me in THEIR home.

El Paso with the kids, went to White Sands NM 

The next week, Bay came home for an ortho appt so we took a family day trip up Dallas, where Brit was for her job training. Our favorite thing in the world is to have all the girls together at one time because with them grown and moved out, it happens very rarely. We had an amazing day with all 3 kids. Went shopping, ice skating and just had some wonderful FULL family time.

First FULL family pic in a long time

Very sadly, 2 weeks after Sean came home, we had to unexpectedly put one of our dogs down.Sean is obsessed with our dogs. He loves them like they were his sons. Sometimes I think he loves them more than us. Of course that isnt true but you know how men and their dogs are. Well, that was the most devastating thing to ever happen. Patches was so special to him. I have NEVER seen my 6'4 230 lb husband lose it like that, EVER! Not when my mother passed, not when his friends were KIA, not when his own grandmother passed. My emotionless husband totally let it all out. Watching him sob and sob literally broke my heart. I stayed strong for him and I took care of all of the details. We went up to say our goodbyes and that was all he could handle. I made the arrangements for his urn, etc and picked him up and brought him home to us. I was so shocked to see my husband like this but it also was good that he could let go like that to me. I did my best to comfort him and reassure him that it was for the best. Patchy had Stage 4 kidney failure.

Our Patches 

Patchy, Max and Brady

We got to celebrate Sean's birthday while he was home but he had to leave the next day. That leave went by QUICK! By the time we got adjusted to each other again, it was time to go. So at 7am the next morning, I dropped him off at the airport to go to NC to requal. It was hard for me because I can honestly say I didnt want him to leave. I loved having him home. This time, we really got to a place we needed to be with each other. 
That was February. We had talked a little about buying a house finally. We were tired of renting. In March, I literally looked at a house in our neighborhood. It was bigger than what we wanted but the price was unreal so 3 days later, we were in escrow. By April 19, we were official homeowners. Yes, I purchased a home by myself via his Power Of Attorney and I moved in all by myself. Luckily the move was literally around the corner. It happened FAST! Its a huge house, too big for just Brandy and I but I will have grandchildren one day and it has plenty of room for that and for when my kids come home to visit. Mind you, Sean had only seen this home in pictures and Facetime. Talk about total trust in your spouse! I was shocked because I actually did this by myself. I felt really accomplished. This was HUGE!

Officially homeowners!

Here it is, September. He's been gone for 7 months already. I dont know when he will be home next. His company is being stupid so everything is in the air. Since he has been gone this time, not only did I move into a new home, our youngest started her Senior year in high school and everything else in between. Im now at a complacent, irritated place in my life. I dont go out. Its me and the dogs. Thank God I have them to talk to and take care of or else I would literally go insane. Brandy has school, work and football (shes a filmer) so she is busy as hell and is gone all the time. People say find a hobby. Honestly, I dont fucking want to. The house needs a lot done to it, I still havent unpacked a lot. Nothing is on my walls, Im waiting for him to do it when he gets home. I find myself pissed off more than anything. I miss having a companion. I miss having my other half here. I miss the intimacy...everything you can think of having to do with a marriage, I miss. Could he quit this job? Yup! But we would be fucked. He makes an EXTREME amount of money that has allowed us to have a lifestyle we want. Also, with bonuses in tact for now and the fact that him extending longer could make the difference between 1000s of dollars, its something we have to live with. In his mind, taking care of our family is priority number 1. I have to be very thankful for that and I definitely am.

He just sprung this on me the other day. Him extending longer. We expected him home for Christmas for the first time in 3 yrs. I dont think that is happening. My struggle, is him being away so much and making all this money worth it?? I have NO FUCKING IDEA. All I DO know is this is what has to happen right now. Not only do we have bills to pay, we now have a mortgage, trying to pay off credit cards, Christmas for the kids, home improvements we want to do now we finally own a home. Life doesnt give a fuck that Im lonely, withdrawn or pissed off more than half the time. Life doesnt give a fuck what is going on with me...so I just have to keep waking up each day to my boring life and fucking LIVE. Thankfully, I have people in my life that understand empathize with me, understand and allow me to have my moments. They also remind me of my strength. They remind me that I can do this, no matter how bad I want to say FUCK IT. I wake up every day, the same thing..its so monotonous but in reality, its what I make of it. I choose to be this way. Sometimes I feel like Wonder Woman and other times I feel like a lazy, piece of shit.

During our FT call last night, I asked him flat out

"Why are we married?

His response

"Because we love each other and do what needs to be done together to make it in life"

Well, that is pretty self explanatory, right? So in that moment, he saw the frustration in my eyes, heard it in my voice. So instead of feeding into it, he took the reigns and said 

"Look, I know this sucks, I want to be home just as bad as you want me home but this is what we have to do right now"

Hes completely correct. I needed him to be strong right then, not coddling. I guess it doesnt help that my hormones are all fucked this week but he knew that too lol I know he feels guilty but he also knows he is doing his part to take care of our family. I cant really be mad at that. So here I sit, typing out my feelings, hoping to find some sort of peace or resolution to the mixed feelings Im having from all of this. Sacrifice. Its what we do. Its what he does and what he's always done. I will suck it up and deal with whatever comes our way. I know all about never making plans. I know about this deployed life. We had a choice as civilians to make deployments our life and again and together, we did just that. THIS WONT LAST FOREVER. It better not! We will have our time where he is stateside and we can finally live our kid free marriage like we want. Go on trips, enjoy each other, etc. Its just a matter of time...time just needs to hurry up a bit.

THIS IS THE LIFE WE CHOSE SO EMBRACE THE SUCK AND KEEP ON KEEPING ON.

Disconnection

This saying could not be more true.....Its happened to my marriage many times in the 13 years we've been together.

At this moment, the disconnection between us is REAL. I want to blame the deployment, I want to blame him. The bad thing is I DO blame him TO him. 

My husband isnt the most romantic, most mature man. I will blame his parents and the way he was raised and I will blame the Army and the fact that he was Infantry for 14 yrs. If you dont know, Infantry Soldiers aka Grunts are not known for their maturity levels...of course they arent stupid but if you know military people, you know they are foul, smartass, gross and immature as hell lol Its the just way they are. Ive fully accepted that in my husband. I will admit, he is freakin hilarious. His friends are great and funny as hell too. Here is where it gets hard for me...

I am 8.5 yrs older than him. As our marriage grew, as we grew..I feel like we grew in different ways. I had a lot of realizations as I entered my 40s. Hes not even 40 yrs old yet and then throw in the Grunt mentality..Lord help me.

As the years went on, we had major struggles and I literally had to tell him where I was at and how I needed him to be about certain things. It was all driving me crazy! Even to the point I wondered if there was an older man out there and I needed to be with because it seemed like my husband would never grow up.

So today...right before I started this, I hung up on his FT call and texted him

"Dont call me tonight or for a few days. I mean it"

So that is what I do when he annoys me to a point or pisses me off. Is that the right thing to do? Probably not. However, it saved me from screaming my head off and calling him all sorts of names and going postal....because that is what I do when Im pissed the hell off. What makes it worse, he just literally sits there with a blank look on his face with no emotion, no response, NOTHING. That in itself has ALWAYS pissed me off about him. His lack of response has caused major fights between us, while he was home AND deployed. Being deployed now, its different. We dont really get to resolve issues. He isnt here to where I can actually see a change. How it ends up is, he apologizes, I say things wont change and I am aggravated until eventually I see there is no point and it just gets dropped.

MY problem with that, it festers inside and I literally explode on his ass at least once a month. Usually when Im PMSing which he is on top of most of the time. He is very passive, too chill and puts off the feeling that he doesnt give a shit. He RARELY voices it, if he does at all. Hes just not that emotional, mushy, sweet talker kind of man. He was at one point but that was many many years ago. In the "honeymoon phase" of our relationship. 

The thing about his passiveness that is a POSITIVE is that he meshes so well with our girls. They go to him when they want calm advice, calm feedback or want to laugh. Dad is the good cop, Ive always been the bad cop. It works for me because he DOES support me and talks to the girls calmly but tells them exactly what I say in a different tone so they actually listen. So in that way, it works and we even each other out. We have our parental roles and the girls know who to go to for what.

What sucks about deployment disconnection...there is no kissing and making up. There is no comforting hugging or holding. There is obviously no makeup sex. So how the fuck do you resolve problems and work through them being 7600 miles apart for months on end???

In a few days, probably sooner because he is relentless about calling me daily. If I dont answer, or decline his call, he calls any or all of the girls to get me on the phone. Usually my youngest since she's at home with me and she brings her phone to me.I will calmly tell him why I got pissed, what annoys the fuck out of me, etc..he will say he's sorry. I will tell him this shit cant keep happening and he will say he understands and will work on it. Then it will be great for a few weeks until something else comes up. Welcome to my rollercoaster ride.

Stuff that DOESNT cross my mind when things are bad...Divorce. That is not an option. Its almost happened a few times but we both came to the conclusion a long time ago that we are forever. No matter what. There is no one else we would want to be pissed off at than each other, if that makes sense. Now will I make him sleep in the spare room and be a bitch for days on end when hes home? Fuck yes because Ive done it a few times before. But us actually separating and ending our marriage isnt an option. Our marriage may not be 100% jolly and happy but it works for us. Another thing that doesnt come to mind is distractions. No, neither of us are looking for distractions from our problems. There is 150% trust between us and we know without a doubt, its only us for each other. So he continues to work, I continue to be in a shitty mood. Usually very snappy with the kids. They call Dad to tell him to make things better because Mom is being a bitch, etc...

The disconnect is inevitable. We are literally worlds apart. Its figuring out how to deal with it without being destructive. Its about finding a way to communicate to your spouse about what's going on in a way they will listen and understand. So I need this few days to calm down, to realize that I do love him and that this is another thing we will get passed. The girls pretty much ALWAYS side with him which is annoying but also wonderful. I love the relationship he has with them. It has nothing to do with me but that is an entire other blog lol

Marriage is fucking HARD. Put distance in there, its harder! But it CAN be done and it CAN work. Its takes a lot but if youre in it 100%, things will always find a way. Its about having total faith in your partner and in what you share together. Its about knowing that you will grow old with this person. Accepting that neither of us is perfect. No where close. Also, no one else would put up with either of us except us.

Writing this blog has actually calmed me down but being a self righteous bitch in these situations, I probably still wont talk to him if he calls. Let him realize himself what made me angry. Let him think it over. Let me think about stuff. Then we will come together and laugh together and talk about our days, as usual.

LOVE ISN'T PERFECT, IT JUST HAS TO BE PERFECT FOR YOU.

If this is any indication what my husband is like, I just bought him this coffee mug and he LOVED it and was completely thrilled lol