"EX" Doesn't Have To Be An Ugly Word

This week has been an emotional and busy one. Decorating for the holidays...I realized how different this year is, especially because my girls' Nana has passed.

She is my ex mother in law. The Brown/Burgess family are my ex inlaws. But, that doesnt have to mean "ex" in an ugly way, as sometimes is the case.

A little history.....Michael is my ex husband. We were together/married from 1991 until I left him in 2002 and our divorce was final in 2006. Our marriage was anything but a fairy tale. Full of violence, dysfunction and terrible memories. However, the POSITIVE things I gained will last me a lifetime...which are of course, the 3 daughters we created and his family. 

I felt a part of his family as soon as we started seeing each other. Nana and Papa were always welcoming and included me in everything from the start. Even having my own Christmas stocking from the beginning. His sister, brother and the rest of the family became my family. All of the years he was incarcerated and was not there for holidays, birthdays, etc...I was. I realized early on how important families are and that his family was a HUGE part of my life, as well as the girls' lives. My baby shower in 1994 was the first time I met the extended Burgess/Brown family. I didnt know any of the women there lol but I learned who each person was, how they were related and to this day, I can still say I talk to them on FB or when I saw them all in September. Kind, God fearing, faithful family oriented, loving, people. 

I was there to help raise and take part in the lives of his niece and nephew. Ashtin and Joseph were babies practically. Ashtin was barely 2 when I met them! When I had my babies, she was 5. From that point, I couldnt have known what a special part of our lives that she would become. She helped me with ALL of my babies more than any cousin should have. In that time, a special relationship blossomed. Not only were my girls her first best friends, her first cousins...they would go on to all grow up and truly stay the BEST of friends. She is now 28, the amazing mother of 3 herself and I truly consider her family. She is my niece. Not my ex niece. I love her like my own, I yell at her like my own and I am forever grateful for the child and woman she was and has become. Watching Joseph grow up and get his life in order has been a blessing in itself.

My "ex" sister in law...nope! She is my sister in law. My girls are her only blood related nieces (or nephews). We have been through everything! Fought like sisters, tolerated each other when we didnt want to and loved a whole lot more than anything. Especially as we've gotten older. She is the best aunt to the girls. She is the most loyal sister in law I couldve asked for. In 1996, she did something that opened my eyes to what I meant to her....At Christmas, the family get together at Nana and Papas...she saw Michael get violent with me in a back room. I didnt know she saw it. Next thing we know, her and her brother are trading punches in the kitchen which turned into her husband and Michael fighting in the driveway. It happened because she had my back in a bad situation. From that day forward, I knew she would be there for me whenever I needed her. God forgive the idiot who chooses to mess with her nieces! She is a a spitfire like Papa but has a heart of gold, like Nana.

His brother Ashley was more of a dad to the girls when they were babies than Michael was. While Michael was out gallivanting, not caring about his family...Ashley was the one who brought me diapers and milk when I needed it. Ashley would go to the ends of the earth for anyone. One of the biggest hearts EVER! He is my brother in law. Always has been and always will. The girls ADORE him to this day and so do I! He would give the shirt off his back for anyone. His heart is as big as they come. Definitely has part of Nana in him!

Michele...the girls' great aunt...Not only was Brittany named after her, she married Michael and I! Ive always looked at her like I would an aunt. She knows me well so she knows exactly when to shoot me down and when to laugh and agree with me. The memories she shares with us from the older years are priceless. I could listen to her stories about the time she grew up for days!

Nana....what a saint. Im so glad I named Brandy after her! What a tolerant, faith driven amazing woman she was. I dont like calling her my ex mother in law. I just call her Nana! The last time I spoke to her was a few weeks before she passed. NOT ONCE, did she forget to end our conversations with an "I LOVE YOU, HUN". I remember years and years of the girls growing when I would randomly call her just to update on what my girls were up to. I also called her when the girls needed a soft but stern speaking to because they werent listening to me lol  She taught me so much about life. How to take care of babies, how to cook, how to be a wife among many other things. The influence she has on me still applies to my life today. 28 years after I met her. She knew how much I loved her and how much she always meant to me. Of course, she nagged and complained but what mother in law doesnt?! I love that woman with my whole heart and her impact will live on through me and my girls forever.

She wrote Sean a letter some years back, thanking him for taking care of her grandbabies and said she is "forever in his debt"...that is just the kind of woman she was. She was well aware her own son was a shitty father, husband, etc...BUT she never gave up on him, was there for him even when everyone told her he didnt deserve it. Yet, she took time to thank my current husband like that. 

When I left Michael finally, there was a very short time where the family was disappointed in me. VERY SHORT! A lot of families that break up make the choice to exclude the ex's family completely. That thought NEVER crossed my mind. It would have been so selfish of me to take away the love of this family from my girls. To deny them the family that is rightfully theirs.  Its not their fault my marriage didnt work. So that was never even a consideration for me. The girls and the Browns have ALWAYS stayed close. ALWAYS been knee deep involved and a part of each other's lives. Taken part in so many milestones in their lives. Granted, Michael always being in jail made this much easier, but even when he is out...the relationship WE have with the family has never faltered. To this day, now that my girls are adults...they are grateful to me for never keeping them from their family.

How fortunate am I to have an extended family in my life that didnt necessarily have to happen?! When Nana passed in September, I didnt have a second thought of going to Georgia for her funeral. We had somewhat prepared for this for a few years, only because she was aging and it was inevitably going to be her time. As soon as we get the news...almost immediately after she passed, my main concern was being there for my girls and for the family. Sandy, Michele, Ashtin...ALL OF THEM. We got to Georgia and it felt like old times. Sandy stated she wanted me with the family at the service. Without mentioning it, I cant even tell you how much that meant to me. We spent the week with family and it was like nothing has changed. Still close as ever. As her services happened, extended family and family friends that I hadnt seen in YEARS came up to me and were just sweet as can be. Showed me that they remembered me, even liked me and loved my kids. Ive always loved the extended family and going to the annual Burgess reunions was one of my favorite memories of when my kids were babies. 

Papa...the stubborn, rough exterior, doesnt take any bs, outspoken, total southern to the core man he was. I saw that side but our family was so lucky to see a complete different side. He (and Nana) had such a softness, such a vulnerability when it came to ALL their babies. He was the sweetest, most spoiling Papa ever! He is THE Papa that would sneak candy to the babies because they wanted it. Memories of babies on his lap in his recliner just rocking them to sleep. Protective as all get out! He loved Nana more than life. Being a part of their 50th wedding anniversary vow renewal family pictures  meant the world to me. Michael was "away", Brittany was just a baby. He has left quite a legacy and I see him and Nana in my girls every day. Not to mention in Sandy, Ashtin, Joseph and the rest of the family.  Brandy was a baby when he passed but today, she can tell you what kind of man he was, stories that she was told her entire life. She may not remember him but through this family, she knows what a special man their Papa was.

Decorating my tree, I surprisingly got so emotional. Every year since all the babies (even my generation and before), Nana made ornaments for everyone. I have the ones she made for my girls. Putting them up, I can remember each year she gave each one to them. Christmas was everyone's favorite time of year. Christmas at Nana's. Waking up Christmas morning to presents spread out on her couch for the girls from Santa. Her breakfast casserole she made every year. The ham...OH THE HAM!!! When we moved away from Georgia in 2009, I know the girls missed Christmas with the Browns terribly. I did too but not like they did. Knowing that Christmas wont ever be the same again is heartbreaking. Since we moved, EVERY Christmas (Easter, Mothers Day, etc) morning, I always tell my girls "make sure you call Nana". This year I cant say that. But I CAN tell them to make sure they call their Aunt Sandy and Aunt Michele. Traditions will live on. 

I consider myself so lucky to have an additional family still in my life to call my own. They arent "exes". I hate that word. They are just FAMILY. I speak to all of them regularly...my girls do too. Ashtin is still their best friend and the bond that these 4 girls have now is such a beautiful thing to witness. I know Nana and Papa are looking down on their family and would be proud of how strong everyone is. Memories flood our minds, love fills our hearts. While the holidays will never be the same...Joseph said something to me the other day...he said "We will still have great family gatherings"...SO TRUE!! 

My ex husband is my ex for a reason. GOOD reasons...but his family is my family. Always have been and always will be. They have included my current husband from day one. They love him like their own. What more can I ask for?

I shed tears when I think of how much Nana (and Papa) are missed but I am so appreciative of everything they have done for me the last 28 years...the love and lessons they instilled in my daughters.  The lessons they taught me! The faith in God they had lets me know without a doubt that they are in heaven, together again, keeping watch over all of us and smiling.  

28 years as a part of this family. Such a blessing, such a special group of people. I could not have wished for a better family for my daughters. Just because they have nothing to do with Michael, they never have really...that doesnt mean that they cant have anything to do with his family...their family...the family they were born from and into. My girls have so much love from them that it overflows and completely compensates for what they have never received from their own biological "father". 

Since Nana has passed, Ive noticed a change. Sandy, Ashtin, my girls...I can see that they look at life differently. They see it through Nana's eyes and they try to live life the way she would want. 

Bailey is a carbon copy of Nana. Her mannerisms, her emotions, her heart, her compassion. I am very grateful for that! EVERYONE told her how much she was like Nana and I know how much she loves that and takes pride in it. We even compared younger photos of Nana to her and she has a lot of her features. I know Bay takes so much pride in this as well as the rest of the family.

Holidays will be different but there will never be a lack of love and family. Being raised Jewish, the Brown family showed me what family and Christmas time means. 

Im the one who is forever in THEIR debt!

Nana and Papa, you are loved and missed more than you know. Your memory and legacy will carried on through generation after generation of the family YOU created!! Never far from our thoughts and ALWAYS IN OUR HEARTS! 

Strength Comes In Numbers

Wow! Its 2 days before Thanksgiving...what an insane couple of months Ive had!

Ive been thinking a lot lately...about life, my family, my friends...trying to figure out how I got to the point Im at. How I keep surviving each day. Just to give an idea of whats happened in my life the last couple of months...

*My ex mother in law passed away in September, my girls' Nana who Ive always stayed close to..
 This was a HARD loss for everyone. Its always tough when a matriarch passes away. My girls first loss as adults. We made the trip to Atlanta for her funeral. Talk about a range of emotions. We were n the area that I lived in with my ex, surrounded by memories and places and people from my abusive past with my ex husband. I had to hold it down and be strong for my kids. I was there to support them and help them deal with one of the biggest losses of their lives. Emotions ran high for everyone that week. It was good to see people I havent seen in decades. I also got to visit my mother's grave, saw my aunt and the rest of my family minus my brothers. I was able to see ALL of my nieces and nephews which was awesome! My sister and I buried our issues and reconciled and I am most grateful for that.

*Sean came home unexpectedly. The consulate in Iraq shut down per the state department and basically, he was/is out of work. While I was happy he was coming home, I was also scared. We work great as a team and even if I didnt know how we would make it, I knew we would somehow. Currently, he is set to go to Afghanistan on a new contract so its just a waiting game at this point. In the meantime, Im loving having him home and Im so grateful he is home for Thanksgiving.

*My youngest daughter and I had a MAJOR fallout. Without going into detail...she was gone and I didnt talk to her and I didnt for sure know where she was for 2 days. It was the most devastating, heartbreaking 2 days EVER. During that time, I felt like a failure as a mother. Struggling to stick to my guns about demanding respect but at the same time, wanting to cave and give in to her just to have her home. I wanted to give up completely. She is JUST LIKE ME. We clash but its never been this bad. I wanted to die. I wanted to not exist. I felt I was to blame for everything negative in my children's lives. Sean was home but he stayed out of it for the most part because he knew that her and I had to get through this. Her sisters were there for her and for me but in the end, her and I had to deal with it. After some hard realizations on both of our parts, after a long talk and after some wonderful advice from my tribe of angels (my besties), we got through it. We have an understanding and through it all, she was receptive to what I need from her as I was to her.

* Sean and I took a quick surprise trip to Oklahoma to surprise my Bestie for her birthday. What a FABULOUS weekend! They are moving so I was so glad to see her and her family!

All thats happened had me thinking a lot about who and what I get my strength from. How do I literally deal with the day to day bullshit of LIFE?! My people. Thats how. I am fortunate enough to have a handful of people in my life who are there 100% for me. Even when I dont want to reach out, they know and they have my back consistently. I need people to call me on my bullshit, uplift me, encourage me and give me support when I have no faith in myself. There are days when I dont want to wake up. I dont want to talk to anyone. When all of a sudden, I get a text from one of  my people asking how I am or what's up or if I'm ok. I get reminded of all the trials and tribulations Ive been through in my life and how I am still standing tall today. I get reminded that I have strength to deal with anything that comes along. I am reminded to have faith. I am told how special I truly am. How I impact other lives and the positivity I bring to their lives. Advice that is given is priceless. Before you know it, I am feeling competent again and I KNOW I can handle whatever comes along.

My daughters are also a HUGE part of where I get my strength and will to keep going. They are grown. I felt as though I wasnt needed anymore. They have their lives and my job raising them is done. HELL NO ITS NOT!  I specifically remember days when I literally felt useless and I was just done. Ive even told them on occasion that Im done. Truth be told, I will never be done. The thought of hanging on JUST because I have 3 children who I created, needed me to, has gotten me through some dark days. They might be raised but I know that I will ALWAYS have to be that pillar of strength for them. Being a mother to adults has challenges. Thankfully Ive seen that they still need me, just in a different capacity. I am enough. I am #1 with them and that alone gets me through the toughest of times.

Sean is my rock. His communication skills may suck at times, but without a doubt, he is there for me to the best of his ability. I no longer have expectations of him. I accept him for who he is completely. I make more of an effort to understand things from his side. Finally realizing we work better as a team has definitely been an epiphany for me.  From this angle, I know I am loved, I know I am taken care of and I know someone has my best interest in mind 100!

Faith and spirituality has been a huge factor for me lately. The unknown is scary. But its inevitable. I have learned that I need to truly have faith that things are going to be ok. I may not know how but failing is not an option so together, we will find a way to make every and any thing work. Ive done a lot of soul searching alone and with my close friends. I am open to a lot more about myself. It feels like Im learning something new every day. For the first time in a long while, I finally feel like I am cared about and loved by others. I feel it in my heart and soul that I am worthy of being loved. I dont have to take on everything by myself and there is nothing wrong with leaning on others when I feel lost. Definitely a hard pill for this strong willed, I can handle everything on my own, woman to swallow.

Through my family, through my best friends...life is not so dreary and bleak anymore for me. I see a light. It may be foggy at times but its there. I no longer feel like I am alone for the first time in forever. I DO have friends that truly care about my well being. I have a husband who loves me to no end and I have 3 amazing daughters who see me as their world. I dont have to take on every thing that comes up by myself and I dont have to have all of the answers. I have faith, hope and trust and that has become enough for me. I dont HAVE to have all the answers. I need positivity and good vibes in order for my mind and soul to be complete and I have that, finally.

My oldest daughter is moving back home this week. Finally done with her ex boyfriend of 7 yrs and she is ready to start a new life. I could not be more thrilled for her! She is strong like her mom and her future looks so bright. She hasnt lived with me since she was 17, she is now 24. It will be challenging at times but we will make it through it, like always.

So life keeps coming, throwing curve balls all the time...I feel like Ive found ways to cope and handle things in a manner that is healthy and prosperous for me and for everyone involved.

Find yourself a handful of people that bring light to your life. Find faith and hope that things happen how they are supposed to and everything happens for a reason. Dig deep inside to find your inner strength that you never knew existed. If that is hard for you, lean on your people. Let them uplift you until you can keep yourself up.

I dont know how I would survive without my people. It just wouldnt be possible and I could not be more grateful. I wont have negativity in my life anymore. I wont be emotionally or mentally drained by anyone because I have others depending on me to be strong. Peace, love and light sounds so cliche but its so spot on. Its how I must live my life today. Sean, my daughters, my family, Clara, Mel, Laurie, Carmen, Nancy (who doesnt even have social media anymore lol) and the others, you know who you are....you are my strength, you are my reason, you are my heart. Thank you for being who you are and thank you for loving me unconditionally and being there for me even when I didnt want anyone. FOREVER THANKFUL!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!! Hope 2019 brings you all you want and more!

"I MISS HER TOO"

Its pretty amazing how hearing those 4 simple words could make my heart explode yet give me the most serene feeling EVER! It's also ironic that I'm writing this today, as I was reminded by FB memories that my Grandmother passed 6 years ago today, at 100 yrs old.

On Mother's Day, I had the thought that I wanted to call my mother's best friend, Linda. I talk to her husband and daughter sometimes and we keep up with each other on FB, however Linda doesnt have FB and I havent actually spoken to her since Mom's funeral. Time got away from me, as usual, so I finally called her yesterday.

That phone call had such an unexpected, profound effect on me. A little backstory. Linda and Lee have known me since I was 7-8 years old. They have a daughter a few years older than me. They have been there and seen me growing up. From the massive rebellious teenager, to being in an unhealthy first marriage (Lee actually represented my ex husband in court one time lol), to being a mother times 3 and now...being 47 with all of my children grown. My mother and Linda had one of those genuine, REAL friendships. Honest to the core, whether they liked it or not. Always there. Acceptance and unconditional love. Mom was quirky, Linda wasnt. Perfect BFF match, right? Linda was the ONLY person EVER that my mother allowed to smoke in her house. Linda refused to come over if she couldnt so Mom made the exception for her. You have to remember, this was back in the 80s so today's society taboos were NOT what they were back then. The point is, Linda has been in my mom's life and my life since I can remember.

Yesterday, I began talking to her about Mom. I choked up, of course. I cannot tell you what it meant to me to finally talk to someone who gets it. Yes, I know my friends who have lost parents get it but not like this. She knew Mom better than anyone. No explanation of anything was needed, except one. She never knew exactly how Mom died. She knew it was suicide but she had no idea of the details of how she did it, my stepdad's involvement, etc. I began to tell her what happened. Immediately it brought me back to that phone call. I relived every moment from that day to the entire week of her funeral. Giving her details and telling her how things went down within the family after the funeral and so on. Writing those details is SO different from speaking them. Something I havent done since around the time Mom died in 2009. Linda just listened. She knows the drama that was in our family. She knows my siblings and I. I didnt have to elaborate or explain ONE thing because she just knew. It was a relief for me to get all of this out, as I would discover after we hung up. The one thing she said quite a few times during our conversation made my heart drop to my knees. I feel like its the most significant thing anyone has said to me in YEARS. She said "I MISS HER TOO". I could hear the sadness in her voice. I could hear the love in her voice. It hit me later how much hearing that from her truly meant. It meant that someone other than my siblings and family missed Mom as much as I do. She knew Mom the way I did. She felt my loss. It was an epiphany. Ive spoken to distant family about Mom before but since she passed, I had NEVER talked to anyone about her to the extent Linda and I discussed. We reminisced, we laughed, I updated her on all of my drama with my siblings lol and we talked about the place I am today, with my kids grown, etc. I told her that I talk to Mom a lot, she told me to keep doing that and not to stop. Ive heard that before from friends and people I love but hearing it from her took it to another level.

Linda's daughter Caren knew my mom like I did, as well. Mom was there for her as a young adult so she saw Mom how I saw her. Mom was there when her babies were born, she was there for some trying times in her life. Because of this, Caren and I always got along and had this bond. When I found her on FB, after SO MANY years, I cried tears of joy. To this day, I know I can call her anytime and just talk about Mom until Im blue in the face and she will listen to me, cry with me and empathize with me like only a few can. She will always be my sister.

Ive been in a state of denial since Mom passed. Denying that I HAD to deal with it and all of the emotions that came along with it. I just refused. I wouldnt allow myself to break down. I wouldnt allow myself to feel the deep hurt that Ive had deep inside for so long. My dear friend, who I met through my Bestie (its her sister) has taken the time to talk with me and guide me through this process. She is definitely a Godsend. I can honestly say that I have started to come to terms with everything and I am learning to finally deal with it. However, Ive realized through this process that its not about just breaking down completely and then being ok. For me, its about utilizing the people in my life that I CAN go to when I need to talk about Mom. People like Linda, my aunt, Caren, Lee...people other than my siblings who knew Mom and can truly empathize in the pain I feel without explaining why. I realized yesterday how healing it is for me. Talking to people that loved my mother like I do. Talking about her to people that knew her and knew her heart. Sometimes, I want to just call distant relatives to talk about her. But I dont. I dont want to be a bother. Today, I know I have those I can call at anytime and feel confident that they GET IT.

So today, my healing continues. As my last child graduates, I know there are others that feel the absence of my mother in the same way I do. They KNOW how proud she would be. They KNOW she is looking down with the biggest smile on her beautiful face. For the first time since she passed, I can finally say I have a sense of moving forward. Ive stayed stagnant in this gray area where she is concerned for so long and its been eating me up. Now, I have a peaceful feeling. I can begin to really deal with this loss knowing I will be ok. Things happen for a reason and there is a time for everything.

This is my time.

Side note: its also time to get my ass in gear and get ready for my husband to come home from overseas and get my house and heart ready for my baby to graduate high school next week!

Stay True To YOU

I remember when I was younger, even into my early adulthood, I wanted to be liked and accepted. Doesnt everyone? I never had a specific group of people I hung out with exclusively. I was just all over the place. Friends with anyone. Hoping that someone would find a trait in me that they liked so I could be one of those "lifelong" friends. The BEST FRIEND. Well, what I probably ended up giving people was someone who was rebellious, loved to party, and just went along with whatever. I wasnt a follower but I wasnt a leader either. I just went with the flow.

Fast forward to my early 30s. After a lifetime of complete chaos and negativity, I started the journey to find my TRUE SELF. When I divorced my first husband, somehow that gave me the strength I needed to TRULY find out who I was. I was able to leave an abusive situation of 13 yrs, not knowing what my future would be like. As scary as it was, it was the best decision of my life. I am who I am today because of the lessons Ive learned and the soul searching I did.

This is how Im described today, by people that know me, people that make the effort to get to know the real me. 

I am brutally honest. If I take the time to risk hurting your feelings just so you can better yourself, that shows how much you mean to me. I will risk losing you so you can be better. So you can be happy. Thankfully, most know this and they appreciate this. You cant sugarcoat shit and you surely cant sit by and watch someone you care about constantly self destruct. If you dont do what you can, what kind of friend are you? My love for my people runs deep. If I invest in you, you are worth it. I refuse to tell people what they want to hear. I dont have that in me. 

I speak my mind and I wont apologize for it. I will not walk on eggshells around anyone. I wont not say something just to spare feelings. If I see something fucked up, I will make it known. Why would anyone hide their feelings like that? I discovered by doing that, it just eats you up. It can actually add stress to your life, which no one needs. If you dont speak up, you wont achieve or get what you want. People cant read your mind be vocal about what you want or need.

If you arent contributing to my life in a positive way, I dont need you. Its that simple. Ive been through the fake and barely there friendships. I was talking to an old friend last night...I told her "If you have to wonder where you stand in someone's life, if you have to wonder what you mean to them, BYE" No one should have to wonder if they are cared about. Negativity has no place in my life. I cant handle people that are emotionally and mentally draining anymore. The ones that suck you dry! Im an empath and I tend to take on other's problems and issues. Well, I realized that the only people I will completely invest myself in are my husband, my kids and my tribe. That is who my world revolves around. Dont get me wrong, I am there for anyone, to listen, to help in any way I can. However, if I feel like Im talking to a brick wall and actions are repetitive, I will just slowly step back. Im not about to watch a train wreck continuously crash when you were given ideas and tools to make it a smooth ride.

I love hard. I will do anything in my power to fix whatever is wrong. I do it because I cant stand seeing people suffer. At the same time, if you arent helping yourself, Im done.

When I turned 40, a lot of my thoughts changed. How I view people and how I view life. Ive spent the last 6 years realizing what and who I need in my life so that I will thrive. I can honestly say Ive found it. Be kind, be honest, be loyal and be real. Yes, I require those traits in people I choose to be in my life. Encouragement breeds encouragement. Kindness breeds kindness....and so on.

I dont need a million friends. I dont need to fit in because I stand out in those people who love me for who I am. I dont need to filter how I live. I am worth being loved and liked without having to conform to what people want me to be. I am accepted because I am a good person. I have a huge heart because it makes me feel good to reach out and be there for others. Im a giver because it hurts me to see people struggle. I am loyal because I expect loyalty back. 

In today's world, with social media, its easy to find yourself comparing your life to others. Its almost inevitable. What I found out is that its also really easy to see who is fake as fuck and who isnt. Boasting and sharing are completely different. The perfect lives you see arent all that perfect. The ones who try to keep up with the Joneses are struggling. As much or as hard as it is not to compare your life to others, its IMPERATIVE that you be content with YOUR OWN life. Now, I sit back, scroll through FB, I smile and my heart is filled with joy when I see friends living their best life. I share in the successes. I hurt for their losses. The "perfect" ones...I laugh and just scroll on. I dont think people realize how transparent they really are. I share my joys, I share my lows, I am honest. I dont have the perfect family. I dont have the nicest of things. I also dont share every single detail of every event to where my life looks like a shit show from the outside looking in either lol You know we all have those FB friends who use it as a diary...PLEASE STOP LOL What I do have is MY LIFE. What I do have is plenty of love. If there are people who feel the need to try to impress people...thats pretty sad. 

When my kids get overwhelmed with life....I simply remind them that they have a roof over their heads. Food to eat and their bills are paid. I preach to them about not wasting all the energy of freaking out when in reality, life is good. Im all about solutions. Cry your cry, but dont sit in it. Spend that time figuring out how to fix it. I consider myself a strong person and that is how Ive raised my daughters. 

I guess my point is, you are in control over how you want to live. I choose to live by my rules, my standards and by what makes me feel good. Life is too short to dwell on negativity and allow it to take over your life. You cant MAKE someone do something or FORCE someone to feel a certain way. You CAN decide how you are going to react though. Youre not hurting anyone by looking out for yourself. You have to come first. Being true to you is all that matters. Being your authentic self is a great way to be. People will see this, respect this and maybe even take notes. People may see this and think "Whatever, shes just a mean bitch" LOL  Its nice to not give a damn what people think of me. My people love me. Plain and simple. Its all I need. I wont change for anyone. I can decide to do things differently but in the end, its all about making me happy and my life better. Is this selfish? NOPE! You cant be a better person for anyone until you can be ok with the person you already are.

Again I will say, if you arent real and true, I dont want you in my life. I need genuine people, good hearted people. Uplifting, encouraging, trustworthy and loyal people. I could not be more grateful that I have EXACTLY that because I refuse to settle for anything less!

Random Thursday Thoughts....

I am far from perfect. I make mistakes, I say the wrong things, I have times when Im selfish. I can be mean as hell. However, one thing that no one can say about me is that Im not LOYAL. If you are in my heart, in my close knit circle, my loyalty knows no bounds. Ive noticed some things around me lately that has me thinking a lot about this trait. Its not something many have and its not something many know about or care about. To me, its everything.

Loyalty goes far beyond being friends with someone. It means more than sticking up for you when youre not around. Loyalty is a trait that shows the character of a person. Its not talking shit with other people about someone. Its not being a follower and going towards whatever is cool or what everyone else is doing or thinking. Loyalty means you are down 150% with someone. No, you dont have to hate everyone I hate. I have friends, best friends that are friends with people I no longer associate with. That is absolutely ok. I have no insecurities whatsoever because I KNOW that my friend's relationships with these other people have NOTHING to do with me. My name is not brought up. If it is, I am confidant that shit talking does not come into play and I know if it did, that shit would be shut down. Its an amazing feeling to be secure in my friendships like that. Its nice to never have to doubt how someone feels about me. However, if you are close with someone and they associate with someone that you dont..and that friendship revolves around talking shit and drama, that makes you just as bad as they are for feeding into it. Investing time into someone when there is no foundation other than talking smack is ridiculous. My friendships mean a lot to me. Im very picky and choosy about who I open up to. I can tell you the number of people I do this with is less than 5. I save my inner thoughts and feelings for the real people in my life. The ones who wont judge me, the ones who understand me and the ones who lift me up and take joy when I succeed. Take joy in seeing my stress go away. Granted, Ive realized this as Ive gotten older. The peaceful, serene, secure feeling these few bring me make my life easier and Im very grateful. That feeling of being able to trust a person with every emotion inside you, every feeling you have is amazing. TRUST...HUGE!

My girls were raised with morals, with values and with the know-how NOT to be run over and taken advantage of. They were raised not to take shit or be disrespected. As a woman, I know how catty and petty girls can be. Especially through the teenage years. I have always told my kids that if someone hits you, knock the fuck out of them. Well, they are all grown. My advice now is more along the lines of be the bigger person, stay away from drama and you do you. Best advice Ive ever been given. I have a hot temper, like most females, I run on my emotion. Today, I would like to think I have learned ways to go about things in a more productive way. Drama is so out of date. Loyalty, integrity...that is whats up. Let people talk shit, let people keep drama going..its YOUR choice to be a part of it or not. I choose not to. My girls choose not to. We dont respond, we dont reciprocate, we dont feed into that petty bullshit. People who live for this really shows how little they have going on in their lives because this is what they live for. Its pretty pathetic and hopefully whoever lives like this will realize what life is truly about and get some balls and stop being followers and shit talkers. The only one you can control is yourself and everything is a CHOICE.

Having relationships with substance is very important. What made you become friends in the first place? For me, I have things in common, there is an unspoken bond that draws us together. That leads to trust which sets the foundation for something wonderful. That foundation should not be fucked with or taken for granted. People are petty. You can choose not to be. Loyalty is something everyone needs to be reminded of. Are you one of those people that laugh with people or talk shit with people about someone you are "close" to? Or are you one of those people that stand your ground, not giving a fuck what others think and defend your people to the end? I am the latter. My people are the latter. Its called LOYALTY and BEING REAL. I say all the time, do not mess with my man, my kids, my money or my loved ones. These things I will NOT be lenient with. If you have to second guess people, its not a good feeling at all. Thats when you just need to distance yourself. Do some soul searching to find your people. Find your peace. Find your place that is acceptable for you...no one else. People come and go, YOUR people will be there forever, no matter what, never giving you a reason to question them.

Loyalty is a character trait. The character of a person says A LOT! More than you know. When people think of me and my character, I want them to be able to say she is loving, kind, thoughtful, caring, loyal, respectable, trustworthy, etc...I live my life trying to do the right thing. Going out of my way to make sure those I love KNOW I love them. I want them to know Im thinking of them and I make it known that I am there, I am down with them no matter what or when. Life isnt about just me. Im just a small part of it. I make choices for how I want each day to go. Everyone has a choice. You can choose to be a shitty person, backstabbing, rude and disrespectful, petty...but I can tell you, the darkness that leaves in your heart and soul is not worth it. When your name is mentioned, those words are not things I would want to be known for. What you do DOES affect others around you. Think about your actions on a daily basis...would you be proud of yourself??

So on that note and seeing these are random thoughts, here is something else on my mind today...heavily....

I have NO CLUE when my husband will be home. NONE! No time frame, no window...NADA! Its an issue with the stupid Iraqi govt and the dragging ass they are doing issuing visas. Yes, my husband needs a visa to get back into the country so he can go back to work...
With that being said...I am STRUGGLING every single day to let go, let God. Every day I wake up, I hope I will get that text "My visa came through, Ill be home..." Every night when he calls, my first question "Have you heard anything?" My hopes are fading. Its all up in the air going so many directions. I dont know if he will be home for Christmas. He hasnt been the past 2 years. I dont know if he will be home at all in 2017 or when I will see him. Frustrated is a major understatement right now. It COULD be May when I see him...see the clusterfuck of emotions yet?! All I DO know is that he will be here by June 1 to see our daughter graduate high school. I havent seen him since Feb when he was home last. I want to be fucking pissed. I want to lose it. I want to break things. I want to blame someone. I want to cry. I want to have a pity party. I forgot what a hug feels like...much less all the other things that go with that. Im mad, sad, angry and want to lash out. I want to give up. I want to tell him come home, fuck this job and we will be poor but we will be together. HOWEVER, I am holding it together. I am keeping my cool and I am taking it day by day, hoping for the best but not expecting shit. Im slowly making holiday plans, of course they could change but its a start. I tell myself every day "BROOKE, DONT FUCKING LOSE IT TODAY". Like literally tell myself that...OUT LOUD. I am doing my best to stay in the present. I am being accountable to my family and my close friends with the ups and downs of my emotions so they dont spiral out of control. I am investing my thoughts into my people and doing whatever I can to help whoever I can whenever I can. Of course, my daily routine is that of a sluggish snail...literally dragging along and not really going anywhere or doing anything. But I am making it through each day without hurting anyone so thats a plus. Thank God my girls understand my level of up and down emotion because they have been understanding, patient angels with me. My tribe listens to me rant and whine and moan and they reassure me that I got this. Its the little things that make this bearable so in reality, those things are HUGE. Im making it, Im surviving...it is what it is. Just know that every single day is a struggle for me. I have constant thoughts running through my mind daily. Going on a date. Going out of town with him for a few days. Him playing with the dogs. Actually going to bed with him, etc. Its insane but somehow, Im keeping my sanity...by a thread.

Hmmm...what else do I have this Thursday.......

Well, a lot but this is all Im going to write about. I could literally write a novel right now so I will leave this like it is.

Just be grateful each day...for the good people in your life. Fuck the half assed ones. Be kind....you never know what someone is going through. Be yourself....you are here to live your life, what other people wanna think or say should have no reflection on what you want to do. Love the life you have....you only have one!

Happy Almost Thanksgiving!

Updated at 5:53pm....
I just had to hang up with Sean because I cant handle all of the uncertainty or the I dont knows anymore. Im literally at my breaking point...I think. Not gonna let him see me cry or lash out at him so better to just hang up. No fucking clue when he is coming home

The LAST Word

Ive spent way too much of my time stressing over this. NO MORE!


I’m the reason my mom took her life. 

My ex husband didn’t kill me. Hate to disappoint this piece of shit. 

He’s a minority yet calls me a racial slur and I ruined my mother’s life. Yes I left his name so there is no mistake who this is from...I couldve left his business phone number and contact info but for now, I wont. Those that know him, know who he is and what he does and where.

I woke up with these statements ringing in my ear. Over and over again. Statements degrading my character, lies about my life, berating me, disrespecting my kids and my husband, things worse than you would wish on your worst enemy. Causing me to doubt the love my mother and aunt had and have for me, etc. Yesterday was hell. Today is a new day. I give no fucks about this person. I give no fucks who knows about this person and sadly I say, I only wish the worst for this person. It takes a really big piece of shit to allow these things and worse to be said to anyone, much less a family member.

While these things hurt to read, I’ve made the decision to consider the source and wash my hands of this altogether. Not saying Karma won’t get him in the end  but saying that I will no longer waste my emotion or energy on an individual that is so miserable he can’t see straight. I have a couple of amazing family members, the most supportive best friends anyone could wish for, 3 beautiful successful daughters and a loving husband. Life is too short to spend it stressing over shit that doesn’t matter. People that have no effect or relevance in your life. I could totally let this break me. I could easily get depressed and sit in this and read the emails over and over again, wondering how my brother and I got to this point. FUCK THAT!!! This is him. This is who he is and his issues and guilt and his inability to be decent is solely on him. I will not let this stop me from being the caring, thoughtful, good person that I am. No way in hell am I going to give this bastard or his girlfriend power over my emotions or me at all. Today, I am the strong, willful, determined badass that Ive always been. My life is great..ok, I miss my husband but...my kids are great and my circle of people are amazing. This deployment has had me at a breaking point but I got myself out of it every time. If it werent for my select friends, it couldve gotten bad. Having a strong, unconditional support system is everything. 

Today I choose happy. I will surround myself with my positive people. I will be grateful for the life I have. I will spread love and joy to those who need it and I will take care of me. I cant and wont depend on others to fix me. I have the tools, I will execute what I know. I know deep in my soul the relationship I had with my mother and NO ONE will discount that or take that away from me. Especially not some psychotic fucktard with anger and guilt issues. 

Ive spoken to my attorney in Ga and if this evil person wants to pursue a lawsuit against me, good luck lol His emails are enough to make him look like the losing idiot he truly is. Ive spoken to our aunt and she helped me see a lot. No one in our family is taking sides as I dont expect them to. But now they are aware and saw with their own eyes what a hateful person he is. 

Life for me will continue. I have some amazing things coming up. Most important, my husband will be home soon..if only for a month but I will take what I can get. He will be home for Christmas for the first time in 3 years...I hope! I got some great news yesterday that a very special person in my life may be moving here. That right there is a sign from God! My girls lives are kicking ass and exciting things are going on with them. Today happens to be my 12 yr Engagement Anniversary so today is about PURE LOVE! No time and no need for the anger and sorrow! I feel free and I feel good. I will cap this day off by going out to do a little Christmas shopping because buying things for my kids and making them smile is my favorite thing in the world! Yall have a great week!! Happy Halloween!

MY TRIBE

Friendships come in ALL different ways. You have people you know, acquaintances, friends, close friends, BFFs, BFFL and THE Bestie (yes, these are all different lol) In my old age, Ive had a lot of reality checks about these types of relationships in my life. A lot of lessons learned, a lot of knowledge that I try to pass on to my daughters. No thanks to social media and this world that revolves around technology, friendships are much easy to begin and grow....or fade out and end. 

As a teenager, I was a social butterfly. I didnt have a true BFF or Bestie. I was everyone's friend or acquaintance...of course I was, I was at parties every weekend! I just went the flow and didnt invest too much of me into any one person. I had people that I hung out with regularly but no one that I had this lifetime, special bond with. With social media, of course Ive connected with 100s of friends from high school and Im all cool with them. I respect them, communicate with them and its awesome to connect after all these years and Im thankful for that. 

Lets fast forward to the last 15 yrs of my life. As a new Army girlfriend then wife..with social media making a HUGE impression on life as we know it... I put myself out there to meet new people. People that could relate and teach me about this new way of life. As you will read, my life has been forever impacted by the people Ive met, the friends Ive lost and the lessons I learned.

My first few years in this Army life, I met a BUNCH of ladies from a Fort Stewart Facebook group. We all decided to meet for lunch one day. I kid you not, there were probably about 15 women there, or more. For me, it was awkward. I wasnt one to go out and meet up with a bunch of strangers but I knew it would be good for me so I went. we all met and got along and I scoped out who I thought I would click with. This group of ladies had more get togethers. Some involved our families and some didnt but it was fun! It was nice sharing laughs and sharing our similar lives together. As time went on, the ladies found out who they could relate to and who they couldnt but there was no bad blood. We all got along. Then of course, drama ensued. As it usually does with women. Different bullshit went on and there were she said she said moments, arguing, just stupid drama. This was 2006 and as of today, I still talk to maybe a handful of these girls. I would consider these women good friends, lifelong friends and some acquaintances. Some I cant stand and dont waste my time on whatsoever, Ive kicked those people to the curb. I dont have the time or energy for bullshit friendships or fake ass people. If you cant add anything worthwhile to my life, I dont need you in it. Honestly, the reason I probably still communicate with a majority of the ones I do is because of Facebook. Facebook has made friendships SO LAZY! Im guilty of it too. You keep up with everyone's lives reading their FB status or posts but you never actually text or talk on the phone. Its not a bad thing and Im grateful for a platform like FB for that reason, alone.

In 2007, I was adjusting to this Army Wife Life pretty good. Learning the dos and donts and everything in between. In 2007, the ENTIRE 3rd Infantry Division deployed. What did that mean? An entire Army town filled with bored Army wives lol Through friends, I met an ENTIRE different group of ladies. It was amazing! We had kids the same age, we had A LOT in common with each other, they were around my age and we werent about the she said she said bullshit,or so I thought at the time lol. It was refreshing. During this time, we had so many great times! Dinners out, themed parties, lunches, school programs, play dates, birthday parties, holiday celebrations, pool days...so much fun! Our kids went to school together..it was amazing. This group of ladies were my thing. Some were closer than others, but we all got along wonderfully. When the guys came home from a 14 mth deployment, it was even better! Families getting together for festivals, LOTS of dinners out..hanging out in the parking lot socializing, kids playing for what seemed like hours. Us women ALWAYS had what we called "photo shoots" where ever we went. I LOVED these families with all of my heart. Eventually, we all broke into "groups" I guess you could say...I found MY people and stuck with them. When the guys got back, PCS orders were handed out and we were all about to separated. PCSing is part of this life. It happens but you find out then, that no matter the distance, TRUE FRIENDSHIPS stand the test of distance and time. Some people fell out, some didnt and the ones that didnt, I can say to this day...they are like true family. Spats and drama will happen but these special ones, nothing can tear you apart. Because the bond you share could never be broken.

We all went our separate ways. However, my family was SO fortunate to get stationed at the same place our BESTIES were! We were SO excited. While Ft Polk is the armpit of the Army, we KNEW we could make it with them by being with us. We also had some very close friends that got orders there so we werent too disappointed because we had our Fort Stewart family at Ft Puke with us. Ohhh the glorious feeling I got when the housing we got was the next street over from our Besties! Seriously, this made life worthwhile while living in HELL. As I lived there, as the kids met other kids, more people were added to my life. My kids' friends' parents, etc. I was the hostess with the mostest there. I had parties all the time. People over constantly. Birthday parties were HUGE! I went all out. Of course I still kept in contact with the few people I was at Stewart with because those are the ones that matter to me. They were stationed elsewhere but our bonds never faltered. Not only did I have my BESTIE FOR THE RESTIE at Polk with me, I met my BFFL. I met her through my kid and we clicked instantly!

#SOULSISTERS

I think it was around 2010, maybe 2011..my BESTIE and I had a falling out. It was stupid and the cause is seriously a blur. It had to do with our young kids at the time but I dont dwell on it because that had to be one of the most devastating events in my life. Literally. She came to my house and we had a confrontation in my front yard and our 7 kids saw and heard it all. I remember choking back tears and I kneeled down to give her 3 yr old a birthday gift I had gotten her. I told her that I loved her and to be a good girl with my voice cracking. I just remember going back in my house crying. My heart was broken and I had NO idea how it got this point. Shortly after this, they got orders back to Fort Stewart. I also somehow found out she was pregnant with her 5th daughter. When I found out, I was crushed. I couldnt share this joy with her. I couldnt celebrate another beautiful baby girl with her and her family. After she left, I was withdrawn some and I stuck to the few friends I trusted and was ok with but I was crushed. My BFFL hung out every other day. We shared the rest of our time at Polk together. We became sisters. Then THEY got orders to PCS. They were headed to Fort Hood. When she left, I was done. Like REALLY done. I isolated myself and just didnt care about much from that point. I had friends but it wasnt the same as having my BESTIE and my 

As the years passed, I missed my BESTIE more than you could imagine. Losing her affected me in so many ways. Since that happened, I always felt like something was missing from my life. I never felt complete again and I closed myself off from people more than ever. At Fort Hood, I had NO desire to put myself out there and meet new people. Yes, I had to but I couldnt bring myself to fully invest into any relationships. I had my BFFL and that was enough for me..until she left. Through these years, since our falling out, I talked to a mutual friend that we had. She is also my BESTIE, total sisters. (I'll refer to her as CG and my Bestie that I had a falling with as MB.) So every time CG and I talked, MB got brought up because I was just SO DOWN and missed her so much. I kind of knew what was going on in her life because like any "normal" person, I would look at her family's social media. But I never had the guts to reach out. CG knew how I felt, she knew the bond MB and I had and she was there to talk me through it. Like literally, my heart ached. She empathized with me and through it all, I felt loved and secure in OUR friendship. I knew she was my SOUL SISTER for life. We've been there for each other through some major times and to this day, we may not talk alot but the love never dwindles and if we need each other, we are there. Period. Thats the kind of person CG is. Love her with my whole heart.

BESTIES FOR THE RESTIE

I didnt know if MB ever thought about me or even missed me. I figured I just didnt exist to her or her family. Until 2016...she liked a pic of mine on Instagram. I immediately panicked. It had been SO many years that had gone by. I called CG and freaked. Did she mean to do that?! Was this an olive branch?! This HAD to be a mistake!! Like WHAT?! I literally felt like our friendship was dead to her and she moved on not looking back. I was hurting for years but she never knew that. So after I got my pulse back..I decided to put my pride aside and reach out to her. I emailed her a long email telling her that I wasnt sure if it was a mistake but I was pleasantly surprised. I apologized for any part I had in our falling out, I told her how often I thought of her and I missed her and her family. She had the baby and it killed me that I missed out on that and missed out on all of her kids' lives...who I loved and love like my own. I told her that Ive felt a void in my life and that void was her. Thankfully, she responded. I was scared to open it because I was expecting a polite "fuck off forever" kind of thing lol I think I was in tears the 2nd line down. She told me she was so glad I reached out, shes missed me and my family, how we were ALWAYS family, etc. We agreed that our falling out was ridiculously about our kids..who were barely teens at the time...now they are ADULTS! Graduated and mine is married! I dont think my heart couldve filled up anymore than it did as I read that email. It was OVERFLOWING, as was my face with tears. We replied back and forth for a bit. I immediately called my husband and my girls and CG and told them that MB and I were good! The best part about that is that my family AND CG knew how much I had missed her and our friendship and were elated for us. The friendship between our kids had faded and I sensed a feeling of relief from my girls. See, MB and I have 8 daughters between us. 7 back then. They are so alike as they are all just like their moms in that families stick together no matter what. Sadly, our kids felt like they couldnt continue friendships if their moms couldnt. Heartbreaking to know I put my girls through that. 

So MB and I added each other on social media. Shit, both of our families added everyone back on social media. It was SO FUCKING AMAZING! The 7 B's were back along with a new, spunky little H! i swear to God, we literally picked up like no time had gone by. It was YEARS but it felt like yesterday we were having a dinner party together. They are now in Oklahoma, only 5 hours away! We caught up on each other's lives and how much our babies have grown. The youngest B was barely walking when I saw her last...she has grown into this BEAUTIFUL little girl who is just the SWEETEST princess ever. All of our girls have grown but it feels like we never missed a beat. Her 3 youngest barely remember me (H has never met me) but today, they love me like Ive been there their entire lives. WE ARE BESTIES FOR THE RESTIE. WE ARE FAMILY. WE WILL NEVER LET OUR FRIENDSHIP OR LOVE FADE EVER AGAIN! Her life is so hectic as you can imagine with 5 daughters and a husband while mine is way less hectic with only one kid left at home..but this last year+ has been the BEST EVER! We have been there for each other through everything. We share things that only we can share with each other. The relationship we have with each other's babies hasnt faltered.We truly love each other's kids like our own. I just have to drive my lazy ass up to Okla so we can flood her house with all the tears that will be shed at our reunion. 

2 weeks after she had a baby..HOT AS FUCK!

MB and CG are truly MY TRIBE. We lift each other up. We are there at the drop of a dime if any of us needs an ear. We encourage each other to be the BEST BADASS PERSON we can be. We feed off each other's positivity and we tell the negativity to FUCK OFF. We can be 15000% honest about any and everything. When one of us is feeling shitty or in a negative place, the others bring out the best and see the positive. We share our ups and downs and everything in between. We can go years without seeing each other, we have! We can go months without talking on the phone and NOTHING changes. Our group texts make my heart full. The things we share are unreachable to most people. The PURE LOVE we have for each other is insurmountable. Since these 2 have been in my life, its FULL. The void I once had for so many years is overflowing with love for these women. No matter what or when or where, we are down like no others. EVERYONE NEEDS A BESTIE like we have. How can you live a full, grateful, amazing life without one?! Im grateful, blessed and knowing I always have these 2 in my corner makes me the happiest! When I feel alone and like I have no one, I KNOW I have these girls. Its all I really need. So that saying 

"Sometimes your circle decreases in size but increases in value"

could not be more true. 

Ive learned alot about friendships since Ive gotten older. You dont need a shit ton of friends. You dont need to have 20 women who are you BFFs. You need a few that you know will be there and who get you. You need a few #SoulSisters. You cant surround yourself with negativity. You cant constantly let the joy be sucked out of you by other people. I need strong, confident, assertive women around me. Because that's how I strive to be. I need women that help me grow and that I help grow. I need women that get me. Make progress in your life, make good choices and decisions. Dont sit on your pity pot for any amount of time. Be around who you want to be. Be with those that support you and will grow with you. Be with women who empower you and bring out your absolute best. Women who share your highs and lows with the same emotion you do. 

So go out and find your tribe. Make sure they are worth your time, your emotion and your heart. When you have a tribe, you are never alone and you will always have ones that have your back...FOREVER.

MY TRIBE

Parking Lot Photo Shoots (Baby Bean in MB's tummy)