Happy Holidays!!

So its been a while..a lot has happened. My oldest turned 23, the age that I was when she was born. That started a time of reflection for me. My youngest took her SAT so this Graduation process is hitting full speed. My middle daughter attended her husband's Air Assault Graduation AND he got promoted to E4...in ONLY 18 mths of service!! The BIGGEST event is happening in a few days..My husband is FINALLY coming home for leave after being gone for 10 mths!

3 weeks ago, I wasnt sure if I would have him home for the holidays in addition to not knowing if my 2 oldest would be home. Bailey and James surprised me Thanksgiving Day and came home which was wonderful! I was hoping and praying Sean would be able to make it. He was gone the last 2 Christmases. When he found out he was coming home...my emotions went into a tailspin. I was preparing myself to spend Christmas doing nothing. Getting boxes of gifts ready to mail to the girls. What a difference a few days make because now...ALL 5 kids AND my husband will be home. A FULL FAMILY CHRISTMAS, for the first time in 3 years! I could not be more excited! Having my whole family together is the thing I love MOST! Lots of laughter, chaos, love and family bonding. Im so excited that Im about to burst! 

First things first though...HOLY SHIT! Sean is coming home!!!!!! In DAYS!! So many thoughts running through my mind. He is coming home to OUR HOME, our home that Ive lived in for 8 mths, our home that we own that he has never seen except for FaceTime. Of course, I have a Honey-Do list a mile long but it will all come in due time. Its just going to be nice to have a companion again. A partner. My soulmate. Talking to him the last few days, we are both getting really excited. I think Im nervous a little even. 10 mths is a long time. I think our reintegration will go smoothly. But as usual, as soon as we get completely comfortable and in our groove..it will be time for him to leave again. HOWEVER, this time its only for 3 mths. He will be back home in May for Brandys Graduation on June 1. Wild horses couldnt keep him away from that. There will be lots of adjusting to do for all of us. He hasnt been home consistently since Brandy was 15. She will be 18 in 3 mths! They love each other, they will find their niche' and it will be great! Im looking forward to not taking out the trash for a month...not having to lock up and turn out the lights at night...driving everywhere...running small errands...feeding and taking the dogs out...little stuff like that. He does these things, he even does dinner dishes and takes pride that he cleans the kitchen better than me! It will be a nice break for me. Im sure I will struggle with letting go of the control but Ill do my best lol 

Im slowly but surely getting my Homecoming prep list checked off. His phone has been taken off seasonal standby, Brady has a haircut appt tomorrow, I bought his manly toiletries lol, got his Shiner Bock, located the rest of his clothes which are hanging in his closet and in TWO dressers in TWO different rooms. The next couple days the straightening up will continue...Gahhhhh Im freaking out! The same butterflies I had when he came home from combat deployments are eating away at me. The nerves, the anxiety...then the down side...I wont sleep through the night while hes home because hes a MAJOR snorer...when hes home and the dogs get out of bed in the middle of the night, they whine on his side for him to get them instead of just getting back in bed quietly. Sean doesnt hear it so I wake up to wake him up to get them...you know, little shit that doesnt really matter lol 

This one was hard. I cant even lie. I went into some dark places and felt like giving up more time than Id like to admit. My close circle brought me out of it, carried me through my darkest days. I was so lonely and alone. It sucked so bad. Sean and I had some pretty good fights this round. We went days without talking. With Gods grace, we made it through and here we are. He will be looking for other options as far as work. He is sick of being gone and honestly, I am sick of it too. The money is great so hopefully he can find something where he can make close to what he is now. Overseas contractors (and their families) get spoiled with the pay. Making it hard to find work that will pay them the same. Whatever happens, I know he will do whats best for us and for our family..like he always does.

So next week, the family starts to trickle in...Christmas Day will be amazing! Ill be cooking all day, the kids will be hanging out together and Sean will be doing whatever he wants. With our family so spread out now, the times when we can all be together mean so much to me. It doesnt happen enough so when I get it, I take full advantage of it and soak in every second! 
Thankfully, Sean and I will spend our Meet-a-versary together on New Years Eve. 13 yrs...WOW!

I hope all of you have an amazing Holiday season and enjoy all the love and family time! Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy New Year to all!!! 

ALL MY LOVE!!!!


 (I made this card but decided Im gonna make another one to post on my social media after he gets home so I can use a recent pic of us. This pic was taken in Feb, the day before he left to go back)

             

Random Thursday Thoughts....

I am far from perfect. I make mistakes, I say the wrong things, I have times when Im selfish. I can be mean as hell. However, one thing that no one can say about me is that Im not LOYAL. If you are in my heart, in my close knit circle, my loyalty knows no bounds. Ive noticed some things around me lately that has me thinking a lot about this trait. Its not something many have and its not something many know about or care about. To me, its everything.

Loyalty goes far beyond being friends with someone. It means more than sticking up for you when youre not around. Loyalty is a trait that shows the character of a person. Its not talking shit with other people about someone. Its not being a follower and going towards whatever is cool or what everyone else is doing or thinking. Loyalty means you are down 150% with someone. No, you dont have to hate everyone I hate. I have friends, best friends that are friends with people I no longer associate with. That is absolutely ok. I have no insecurities whatsoever because I KNOW that my friend's relationships with these other people have NOTHING to do with me. My name is not brought up. If it is, I am confidant that shit talking does not come into play and I know if it did, that shit would be shut down. Its an amazing feeling to be secure in my friendships like that. Its nice to never have to doubt how someone feels about me. However, if you are close with someone and they associate with someone that you dont..and that friendship revolves around talking shit and drama, that makes you just as bad as they are for feeding into it. Investing time into someone when there is no foundation other than talking smack is ridiculous. My friendships mean a lot to me. Im very picky and choosy about who I open up to. I can tell you the number of people I do this with is less than 5. I save my inner thoughts and feelings for the real people in my life. The ones who wont judge me, the ones who understand me and the ones who lift me up and take joy when I succeed. Take joy in seeing my stress go away. Granted, Ive realized this as Ive gotten older. The peaceful, serene, secure feeling these few bring me make my life easier and Im very grateful. That feeling of being able to trust a person with every emotion inside you, every feeling you have is amazing. TRUST...HUGE!

My girls were raised with morals, with values and with the know-how NOT to be run over and taken advantage of. They were raised not to take shit or be disrespected. As a woman, I know how catty and petty girls can be. Especially through the teenage years. I have always told my kids that if someone hits you, knock the fuck out of them. Well, they are all grown. My advice now is more along the lines of be the bigger person, stay away from drama and you do you. Best advice Ive ever been given. I have a hot temper, like most females, I run on my emotion. Today, I would like to think I have learned ways to go about things in a more productive way. Drama is so out of date. Loyalty, integrity...that is whats up. Let people talk shit, let people keep drama going..its YOUR choice to be a part of it or not. I choose not to. My girls choose not to. We dont respond, we dont reciprocate, we dont feed into that petty bullshit. People who live for this really shows how little they have going on in their lives because this is what they live for. Its pretty pathetic and hopefully whoever lives like this will realize what life is truly about and get some balls and stop being followers and shit talkers. The only one you can control is yourself and everything is a CHOICE.

Having relationships with substance is very important. What made you become friends in the first place? For me, I have things in common, there is an unspoken bond that draws us together. That leads to trust which sets the foundation for something wonderful. That foundation should not be fucked with or taken for granted. People are petty. You can choose not to be. Loyalty is something everyone needs to be reminded of. Are you one of those people that laugh with people or talk shit with people about someone you are "close" to? Or are you one of those people that stand your ground, not giving a fuck what others think and defend your people to the end? I am the latter. My people are the latter. Its called LOYALTY and BEING REAL. I say all the time, do not mess with my man, my kids, my money or my loved ones. These things I will NOT be lenient with. If you have to second guess people, its not a good feeling at all. Thats when you just need to distance yourself. Do some soul searching to find your people. Find your peace. Find your place that is acceptable for you...no one else. People come and go, YOUR people will be there forever, no matter what, never giving you a reason to question them.

Loyalty is a character trait. The character of a person says A LOT! More than you know. When people think of me and my character, I want them to be able to say she is loving, kind, thoughtful, caring, loyal, respectable, trustworthy, etc...I live my life trying to do the right thing. Going out of my way to make sure those I love KNOW I love them. I want them to know Im thinking of them and I make it known that I am there, I am down with them no matter what or when. Life isnt about just me. Im just a small part of it. I make choices for how I want each day to go. Everyone has a choice. You can choose to be a shitty person, backstabbing, rude and disrespectful, petty...but I can tell you, the darkness that leaves in your heart and soul is not worth it. When your name is mentioned, those words are not things I would want to be known for. What you do DOES affect others around you. Think about your actions on a daily basis...would you be proud of yourself??

So on that note and seeing these are random thoughts, here is something else on my mind today...heavily....

I have NO CLUE when my husband will be home. NONE! No time frame, no window...NADA! Its an issue with the stupid Iraqi govt and the dragging ass they are doing issuing visas. Yes, my husband needs a visa to get back into the country so he can go back to work...
With that being said...I am STRUGGLING every single day to let go, let God. Every day I wake up, I hope I will get that text "My visa came through, Ill be home..." Every night when he calls, my first question "Have you heard anything?" My hopes are fading. Its all up in the air going so many directions. I dont know if he will be home for Christmas. He hasnt been the past 2 years. I dont know if he will be home at all in 2017 or when I will see him. Frustrated is a major understatement right now. It COULD be May when I see him...see the clusterfuck of emotions yet?! All I DO know is that he will be here by June 1 to see our daughter graduate high school. I havent seen him since Feb when he was home last. I want to be fucking pissed. I want to lose it. I want to break things. I want to blame someone. I want to cry. I want to have a pity party. I forgot what a hug feels like...much less all the other things that go with that. Im mad, sad, angry and want to lash out. I want to give up. I want to tell him come home, fuck this job and we will be poor but we will be together. HOWEVER, I am holding it together. I am keeping my cool and I am taking it day by day, hoping for the best but not expecting shit. Im slowly making holiday plans, of course they could change but its a start. I tell myself every day "BROOKE, DONT FUCKING LOSE IT TODAY". Like literally tell myself that...OUT LOUD. I am doing my best to stay in the present. I am being accountable to my family and my close friends with the ups and downs of my emotions so they dont spiral out of control. I am investing my thoughts into my people and doing whatever I can to help whoever I can whenever I can. Of course, my daily routine is that of a sluggish snail...literally dragging along and not really going anywhere or doing anything. But I am making it through each day without hurting anyone so thats a plus. Thank God my girls understand my level of up and down emotion because they have been understanding, patient angels with me. My tribe listens to me rant and whine and moan and they reassure me that I got this. Its the little things that make this bearable so in reality, those things are HUGE. Im making it, Im surviving...it is what it is. Just know that every single day is a struggle for me. I have constant thoughts running through my mind daily. Going on a date. Going out of town with him for a few days. Him playing with the dogs. Actually going to bed with him, etc. Its insane but somehow, Im keeping my sanity...by a thread.

Hmmm...what else do I have this Thursday.......

Well, a lot but this is all Im going to write about. I could literally write a novel right now so I will leave this like it is.

Just be grateful each day...for the good people in your life. Fuck the half assed ones. Be kind....you never know what someone is going through. Be yourself....you are here to live your life, what other people wanna think or say should have no reflection on what you want to do. Love the life you have....you only have one!

Happy Almost Thanksgiving!

Updated at 5:53pm....
I just had to hang up with Sean because I cant handle all of the uncertainty or the I dont knows anymore. Im literally at my breaking point...I think. Not gonna let him see me cry or lash out at him so better to just hang up. No fucking clue when he is coming home

Veterans Day 2017

Veterans Day is a day that is huge in my family. My affiliation with the veterans that have touched my life include my husband who served 15 yrs in the Army. His grandfather who was in the Navy. My ex father in law (dec. 2000) was in the Navy. My ex brother in law was in the Army (we are still close). My son in law is currently serving in the Army. Both of his parents are Army veterans and his sister is currently serving in the Army, along with his uncle being an Army veteran. Along with these heroes, of course, I cant forget the MANY veterans in our military family...friends that have become family. This military community as a whole is one huge family. My best friends today are strong women who I met in "this life". If you havent lived it, you wouldnt understand that bonds and ties that bring us together. The most tight knit, courageous, brave group of women Ive ever come across.

My husband did 2 combat tours in Iraq. He was in Kosovo, Korea and Germany in addition to the many training months and schools in the states, away from home. This is the life we know. This is the life the girls were raised in. Its no surprise that my daughter married the son of 2 veterans and made the decision to enlist himself after they graduated high school. He is an amazing young man and an outstanding young Soldier who is fast tracking his way to a stellar career.

When I tell my husband "Happy Veterans Day", he hates it. He hates being thanked for his service. He honestly feels like he joined because his life was going nowhere in Maine. It was his only option, he felt. He did his job for 15 years and he ETSed (got out when his contract expired). Last night during our Facetime call, I said it to him...he had this look of "oh shut up" and made a joke out of it. That was concerning to me so I began a discussion about it. I told him he needed to reflect on his time in service as more than "just doing his job". Think of the experiences he's had, the bonds he's made. The brothers he gained. I explained to him why people thank him. He may see his enlistment as a do or die choice but others see it as a choice he made to fight for our country. Its bigger in other's eyes. However, sadly..TOO MANY veterans feel like my husband. It was their job, they shouldnt be thanked and they get very uncomfortable when people thank them. Ive had to tell my husband how to respond when someone thanks him ...simply say "Thank you for your support".

For me, I like to take today and make it a day of reflection. I think about those we lost that gave the ultimate sacrifice. I think about their families. I think about those that are still missing and never came home from previous wars long ago. I also reflect on our military life and how very grateful I am to have these people in my life today and what an honor it is to know these heroes. Ive seen what they go through, I know what makes them heroes. The ups and downs of serving this country. Most of our friends dont want thanks, they dont want recognition but they sure as hell deserve it and then some. Our children arent like "normal, civilian" kids. They are so resilient, courageous and strong is an understatement. Our kids were raised where its normal to have one parent gone a majority of the time and its not because he/she wants to but because its his/her job and his/her job is to serve this awesome country. They are raised with more pride than the usual little kid. Not every kid gets to say their daddy or mommy is an American Hero.

Last night, we were talking and I mentioned that Brandy isnt phased whether he is home or not. Not in a bad way. Just in a way that it is normal for her that hes not home consistently. I told him in her eyes, he's been leaving her since she was 4. I wasnt blaming him or saying it in a bad way. Just trying to explain where she is coming from. She's almost 18 now. He has been home for 70 days since October 2015. He deploys as a contractor now. He said that saying it like that was like "Whoaaa" to him. She doesnt resent him whatsoever. This is the norm for her and for us. But I sensed some guilt from his side. He doesnt tend to look at the big picture of any situation much so I point it out sometimes. The girls and I dont blame him at all for not being here. Instead, we are so grateful for the sacrifices he's made to fight for this country. The sacrifices hes made for our family to have a roof over our heads and food on our table. This is what WE signed up for when I signed that marriage certificate. Its not an easy road to go down at all but it is definitely worth it. 

My Soldier doesnt take pride in himself or his service. He is the most humble and downplayed Soldier I know. He never likes to make it known he was in. Before he got out, he despised wearing his uniform after work hours anywhere out in public. He refused to use his military ID to board flights earlier. He wasnt hiding his job, he just went out of his way to not make it known. He cringed when I would make him stand at sports events we went to that asked service members to stand and be recognized. He HATED doing that. So while he never had much pride for his service, the girls and I have plenty for him. He doesnt see the good in what hes done...like many veterans...but we do, the rest of the country does. The courage and sacrifice these men and women have made and continue to make is the most selfless thing a person can do.

So THANK YOU to all of those who have served or are currently serving our nation. You are HEROES in every sense of the word. I am thankful every day however today is the perfect day to make it known to any and everyone. Take today and let people appreciate you. Accept the love, the gratitude and even the free meals youll get today! You deserve this and more and you all will never be forgotten! To those that gave the ultimate sacrifice for this country, you will be remembered by this grateful nation and your memory will live on eternally.