Random Thursday Thoughts....

I am far from perfect. I make mistakes, I say the wrong things, I have times when Im selfish. I can be mean as hell. However, one thing that no one can say about me is that Im not LOYAL. If you are in my heart, in my close knit circle, my loyalty knows no bounds. Ive noticed some things around me lately that has me thinking a lot about this trait. Its not something many have and its not something many know about or care about. To me, its everything.

Loyalty goes far beyond being friends with someone. It means more than sticking up for you when youre not around. Loyalty is a trait that shows the character of a person. Its not talking shit with other people about someone. Its not being a follower and going towards whatever is cool or what everyone else is doing or thinking. Loyalty means you are down 150% with someone. No, you dont have to hate everyone I hate. I have friends, best friends that are friends with people I no longer associate with. That is absolutely ok. I have no insecurities whatsoever because I KNOW that my friend's relationships with these other people have NOTHING to do with me. My name is not brought up. If it is, I am confidant that shit talking does not come into play and I know if it did, that shit would be shut down. Its an amazing feeling to be secure in my friendships like that. Its nice to never have to doubt how someone feels about me. However, if you are close with someone and they associate with someone that you dont..and that friendship revolves around talking shit and drama, that makes you just as bad as they are for feeding into it. Investing time into someone when there is no foundation other than talking smack is ridiculous. My friendships mean a lot to me. Im very picky and choosy about who I open up to. I can tell you the number of people I do this with is less than 5. I save my inner thoughts and feelings for the real people in my life. The ones who wont judge me, the ones who understand me and the ones who lift me up and take joy when I succeed. Take joy in seeing my stress go away. Granted, Ive realized this as Ive gotten older. The peaceful, serene, secure feeling these few bring me make my life easier and Im very grateful. That feeling of being able to trust a person with every emotion inside you, every feeling you have is amazing. TRUST...HUGE!

My girls were raised with morals, with values and with the know-how NOT to be run over and taken advantage of. They were raised not to take shit or be disrespected. As a woman, I know how catty and petty girls can be. Especially through the teenage years. I have always told my kids that if someone hits you, knock the fuck out of them. Well, they are all grown. My advice now is more along the lines of be the bigger person, stay away from drama and you do you. Best advice Ive ever been given. I have a hot temper, like most females, I run on my emotion. Today, I would like to think I have learned ways to go about things in a more productive way. Drama is so out of date. Loyalty, integrity...that is whats up. Let people talk shit, let people keep drama going..its YOUR choice to be a part of it or not. I choose not to. My girls choose not to. We dont respond, we dont reciprocate, we dont feed into that petty bullshit. People who live for this really shows how little they have going on in their lives because this is what they live for. Its pretty pathetic and hopefully whoever lives like this will realize what life is truly about and get some balls and stop being followers and shit talkers. The only one you can control is yourself and everything is a CHOICE.

Having relationships with substance is very important. What made you become friends in the first place? For me, I have things in common, there is an unspoken bond that draws us together. That leads to trust which sets the foundation for something wonderful. That foundation should not be fucked with or taken for granted. People are petty. You can choose not to be. Loyalty is something everyone needs to be reminded of. Are you one of those people that laugh with people or talk shit with people about someone you are "close" to? Or are you one of those people that stand your ground, not giving a fuck what others think and defend your people to the end? I am the latter. My people are the latter. Its called LOYALTY and BEING REAL. I say all the time, do not mess with my man, my kids, my money or my loved ones. These things I will NOT be lenient with. If you have to second guess people, its not a good feeling at all. Thats when you just need to distance yourself. Do some soul searching to find your people. Find your peace. Find your place that is acceptable for you...no one else. People come and go, YOUR people will be there forever, no matter what, never giving you a reason to question them.

Loyalty is a character trait. The character of a person says A LOT! More than you know. When people think of me and my character, I want them to be able to say she is loving, kind, thoughtful, caring, loyal, respectable, trustworthy, etc...I live my life trying to do the right thing. Going out of my way to make sure those I love KNOW I love them. I want them to know Im thinking of them and I make it known that I am there, I am down with them no matter what or when. Life isnt about just me. Im just a small part of it. I make choices for how I want each day to go. Everyone has a choice. You can choose to be a shitty person, backstabbing, rude and disrespectful, petty...but I can tell you, the darkness that leaves in your heart and soul is not worth it. When your name is mentioned, those words are not things I would want to be known for. What you do DOES affect others around you. Think about your actions on a daily basis...would you be proud of yourself??

So on that note and seeing these are random thoughts, here is something else on my mind today...heavily....

I have NO CLUE when my husband will be home. NONE! No time frame, no window...NADA! Its an issue with the stupid Iraqi govt and the dragging ass they are doing issuing visas. Yes, my husband needs a visa to get back into the country so he can go back to work...
With that being said...I am STRUGGLING every single day to let go, let God. Every day I wake up, I hope I will get that text "My visa came through, Ill be home..." Every night when he calls, my first question "Have you heard anything?" My hopes are fading. Its all up in the air going so many directions. I dont know if he will be home for Christmas. He hasnt been the past 2 years. I dont know if he will be home at all in 2017 or when I will see him. Frustrated is a major understatement right now. It COULD be May when I see him...see the clusterfuck of emotions yet?! All I DO know is that he will be here by June 1 to see our daughter graduate high school. I havent seen him since Feb when he was home last. I want to be fucking pissed. I want to lose it. I want to break things. I want to blame someone. I want to cry. I want to have a pity party. I forgot what a hug feels like...much less all the other things that go with that. Im mad, sad, angry and want to lash out. I want to give up. I want to tell him come home, fuck this job and we will be poor but we will be together. HOWEVER, I am holding it together. I am keeping my cool and I am taking it day by day, hoping for the best but not expecting shit. Im slowly making holiday plans, of course they could change but its a start. I tell myself every day "BROOKE, DONT FUCKING LOSE IT TODAY". Like literally tell myself that...OUT LOUD. I am doing my best to stay in the present. I am being accountable to my family and my close friends with the ups and downs of my emotions so they dont spiral out of control. I am investing my thoughts into my people and doing whatever I can to help whoever I can whenever I can. Of course, my daily routine is that of a sluggish snail...literally dragging along and not really going anywhere or doing anything. But I am making it through each day without hurting anyone so thats a plus. Thank God my girls understand my level of up and down emotion because they have been understanding, patient angels with me. My tribe listens to me rant and whine and moan and they reassure me that I got this. Its the little things that make this bearable so in reality, those things are HUGE. Im making it, Im surviving...it is what it is. Just know that every single day is a struggle for me. I have constant thoughts running through my mind daily. Going on a date. Going out of town with him for a few days. Him playing with the dogs. Actually going to bed with him, etc. Its insane but somehow, Im keeping my sanity...by a thread.

Hmmm...what else do I have this Thursday.......

Well, a lot but this is all Im going to write about. I could literally write a novel right now so I will leave this like it is.

Just be grateful each day...for the good people in your life. Fuck the half assed ones. Be kind....you never know what someone is going through. Be yourself....you are here to live your life, what other people wanna think or say should have no reflection on what you want to do. Love the life you have....you only have one!

Happy Almost Thanksgiving!

Updated at 5:53pm....
I just had to hang up with Sean because I cant handle all of the uncertainty or the I dont knows anymore. Im literally at my breaking point...I think. Not gonna let him see me cry or lash out at him so better to just hang up. No fucking clue when he is coming home