"EX" Doesn't Have To Be An Ugly Word

This week has been an emotional and busy one. Decorating for the holidays...I realized how different this year is, especially because my girls' Nana has passed.

She is my ex mother in law. The Brown/Burgess family are my ex inlaws. But, that doesnt have to mean "ex" in an ugly way, as sometimes is the case.

A little history.....Michael is my ex husband. We were together/married from 1991 until I left him in 2002 and our divorce was final in 2006. Our marriage was anything but a fairy tale. Full of violence, dysfunction and terrible memories. However, the POSITIVE things I gained will last me a lifetime...which are of course, the 3 daughters we created and his family. 

I felt a part of his family as soon as we started seeing each other. Nana and Papa were always welcoming and included me in everything from the start. Even having my own Christmas stocking from the beginning. His sister, brother and the rest of the family became my family. All of the years he was incarcerated and was not there for holidays, birthdays, etc...I was. I realized early on how important families are and that his family was a HUGE part of my life, as well as the girls' lives. My baby shower in 1994 was the first time I met the extended Burgess/Brown family. I didnt know any of the women there lol but I learned who each person was, how they were related and to this day, I can still say I talk to them on FB or when I saw them all in September. Kind, God fearing, faithful family oriented, loving, people. 

I was there to help raise and take part in the lives of his niece and nephew. Ashtin and Joseph were babies practically. Ashtin was barely 2 when I met them! When I had my babies, she was 5. From that point, I couldnt have known what a special part of our lives that she would become. She helped me with ALL of my babies more than any cousin should have. In that time, a special relationship blossomed. Not only were my girls her first best friends, her first cousins...they would go on to all grow up and truly stay the BEST of friends. She is now 28, the amazing mother of 3 herself and I truly consider her family. She is my niece. Not my ex niece. I love her like my own, I yell at her like my own and I am forever grateful for the child and woman she was and has become. Watching Joseph grow up and get his life in order has been a blessing in itself.

My "ex" sister in law...nope! She is my sister in law. My girls are her only blood related nieces (or nephews). We have been through everything! Fought like sisters, tolerated each other when we didnt want to and loved a whole lot more than anything. Especially as we've gotten older. She is the best aunt to the girls. She is the most loyal sister in law I couldve asked for. In 1996, she did something that opened my eyes to what I meant to her....At Christmas, the family get together at Nana and Papas...she saw Michael get violent with me in a back room. I didnt know she saw it. Next thing we know, her and her brother are trading punches in the kitchen which turned into her husband and Michael fighting in the driveway. It happened because she had my back in a bad situation. From that day forward, I knew she would be there for me whenever I needed her. God forgive the idiot who chooses to mess with her nieces! She is a a spitfire like Papa but has a heart of gold, like Nana.

His brother Ashley was more of a dad to the girls when they were babies than Michael was. While Michael was out gallivanting, not caring about his family...Ashley was the one who brought me diapers and milk when I needed it. Ashley would go to the ends of the earth for anyone. One of the biggest hearts EVER! He is my brother in law. Always has been and always will. The girls ADORE him to this day and so do I! He would give the shirt off his back for anyone. His heart is as big as they come. Definitely has part of Nana in him!

Michele...the girls' great aunt...Not only was Brittany named after her, she married Michael and I! Ive always looked at her like I would an aunt. She knows me well so she knows exactly when to shoot me down and when to laugh and agree with me. The memories she shares with us from the older years are priceless. I could listen to her stories about the time she grew up for days!

Nana....what a saint. Im so glad I named Brandy after her! What a tolerant, faith driven amazing woman she was. I dont like calling her my ex mother in law. I just call her Nana! The last time I spoke to her was a few weeks before she passed. NOT ONCE, did she forget to end our conversations with an "I LOVE YOU, HUN". I remember years and years of the girls growing when I would randomly call her just to update on what my girls were up to. I also called her when the girls needed a soft but stern speaking to because they werent listening to me lol  She taught me so much about life. How to take care of babies, how to cook, how to be a wife among many other things. The influence she has on me still applies to my life today. 28 years after I met her. She knew how much I loved her and how much she always meant to me. Of course, she nagged and complained but what mother in law doesnt?! I love that woman with my whole heart and her impact will live on through me and my girls forever.

She wrote Sean a letter some years back, thanking him for taking care of her grandbabies and said she is "forever in his debt"...that is just the kind of woman she was. She was well aware her own son was a shitty father, husband, etc...BUT she never gave up on him, was there for him even when everyone told her he didnt deserve it. Yet, she took time to thank my current husband like that. 

When I left Michael finally, there was a very short time where the family was disappointed in me. VERY SHORT! A lot of families that break up make the choice to exclude the ex's family completely. That thought NEVER crossed my mind. It would have been so selfish of me to take away the love of this family from my girls. To deny them the family that is rightfully theirs.  Its not their fault my marriage didnt work. So that was never even a consideration for me. The girls and the Browns have ALWAYS stayed close. ALWAYS been knee deep involved and a part of each other's lives. Taken part in so many milestones in their lives. Granted, Michael always being in jail made this much easier, but even when he is out...the relationship WE have with the family has never faltered. To this day, now that my girls are adults...they are grateful to me for never keeping them from their family.

How fortunate am I to have an extended family in my life that didnt necessarily have to happen?! When Nana passed in September, I didnt have a second thought of going to Georgia for her funeral. We had somewhat prepared for this for a few years, only because she was aging and it was inevitably going to be her time. As soon as we get the news...almost immediately after she passed, my main concern was being there for my girls and for the family. Sandy, Michele, Ashtin...ALL OF THEM. We got to Georgia and it felt like old times. Sandy stated she wanted me with the family at the service. Without mentioning it, I cant even tell you how much that meant to me. We spent the week with family and it was like nothing has changed. Still close as ever. As her services happened, extended family and family friends that I hadnt seen in YEARS came up to me and were just sweet as can be. Showed me that they remembered me, even liked me and loved my kids. Ive always loved the extended family and going to the annual Burgess reunions was one of my favorite memories of when my kids were babies. 

Papa...the stubborn, rough exterior, doesnt take any bs, outspoken, total southern to the core man he was. I saw that side but our family was so lucky to see a complete different side. He (and Nana) had such a softness, such a vulnerability when it came to ALL their babies. He was the sweetest, most spoiling Papa ever! He is THE Papa that would sneak candy to the babies because they wanted it. Memories of babies on his lap in his recliner just rocking them to sleep. Protective as all get out! He loved Nana more than life. Being a part of their 50th wedding anniversary vow renewal family pictures  meant the world to me. Michael was "away", Brittany was just a baby. He has left quite a legacy and I see him and Nana in my girls every day. Not to mention in Sandy, Ashtin, Joseph and the rest of the family.  Brandy was a baby when he passed but today, she can tell you what kind of man he was, stories that she was told her entire life. She may not remember him but through this family, she knows what a special man their Papa was.

Decorating my tree, I surprisingly got so emotional. Every year since all the babies (even my generation and before), Nana made ornaments for everyone. I have the ones she made for my girls. Putting them up, I can remember each year she gave each one to them. Christmas was everyone's favorite time of year. Christmas at Nana's. Waking up Christmas morning to presents spread out on her couch for the girls from Santa. Her breakfast casserole she made every year. The ham...OH THE HAM!!! When we moved away from Georgia in 2009, I know the girls missed Christmas with the Browns terribly. I did too but not like they did. Knowing that Christmas wont ever be the same again is heartbreaking. Since we moved, EVERY Christmas (Easter, Mothers Day, etc) morning, I always tell my girls "make sure you call Nana". This year I cant say that. But I CAN tell them to make sure they call their Aunt Sandy and Aunt Michele. Traditions will live on. 

I consider myself so lucky to have an additional family still in my life to call my own. They arent "exes". I hate that word. They are just FAMILY. I speak to all of them regularly...my girls do too. Ashtin is still their best friend and the bond that these 4 girls have now is such a beautiful thing to witness. I know Nana and Papa are looking down on their family and would be proud of how strong everyone is. Memories flood our minds, love fills our hearts. While the holidays will never be the same...Joseph said something to me the other day...he said "We will still have great family gatherings"...SO TRUE!! 

My ex husband is my ex for a reason. GOOD reasons...but his family is my family. Always have been and always will be. They have included my current husband from day one. They love him like their own. What more can I ask for?

I shed tears when I think of how much Nana (and Papa) are missed but I am so appreciative of everything they have done for me the last 28 years...the love and lessons they instilled in my daughters.  The lessons they taught me! The faith in God they had lets me know without a doubt that they are in heaven, together again, keeping watch over all of us and smiling.  

28 years as a part of this family. Such a blessing, such a special group of people. I could not have wished for a better family for my daughters. Just because they have nothing to do with Michael, they never have really...that doesnt mean that they cant have anything to do with his family...their family...the family they were born from and into. My girls have so much love from them that it overflows and completely compensates for what they have never received from their own biological "father". 

Since Nana has passed, Ive noticed a change. Sandy, Ashtin, my girls...I can see that they look at life differently. They see it through Nana's eyes and they try to live life the way she would want. 

Bailey is a carbon copy of Nana. Her mannerisms, her emotions, her heart, her compassion. I am very grateful for that! EVERYONE told her how much she was like Nana and I know how much she loves that and takes pride in it. We even compared younger photos of Nana to her and she has a lot of her features. I know Bay takes so much pride in this as well as the rest of the family.

Holidays will be different but there will never be a lack of love and family. Being raised Jewish, the Brown family showed me what family and Christmas time means. 

Im the one who is forever in THEIR debt!

Nana and Papa, you are loved and missed more than you know. Your memory and legacy will carried on through generation after generation of the family YOU created!! Never far from our thoughts and ALWAYS IN OUR HEARTS! 

Strength Comes In Numbers

Wow! Its 2 days before Thanksgiving...what an insane couple of months Ive had!

Ive been thinking a lot lately...about life, my family, my friends...trying to figure out how I got to the point Im at. How I keep surviving each day. Just to give an idea of whats happened in my life the last couple of months...

*My ex mother in law passed away in September, my girls' Nana who Ive always stayed close to..
 This was a HARD loss for everyone. Its always tough when a matriarch passes away. My girls first loss as adults. We made the trip to Atlanta for her funeral. Talk about a range of emotions. We were n the area that I lived in with my ex, surrounded by memories and places and people from my abusive past with my ex husband. I had to hold it down and be strong for my kids. I was there to support them and help them deal with one of the biggest losses of their lives. Emotions ran high for everyone that week. It was good to see people I havent seen in decades. I also got to visit my mother's grave, saw my aunt and the rest of my family minus my brothers. I was able to see ALL of my nieces and nephews which was awesome! My sister and I buried our issues and reconciled and I am most grateful for that.

*Sean came home unexpectedly. The consulate in Iraq shut down per the state department and basically, he was/is out of work. While I was happy he was coming home, I was also scared. We work great as a team and even if I didnt know how we would make it, I knew we would somehow. Currently, he is set to go to Afghanistan on a new contract so its just a waiting game at this point. In the meantime, Im loving having him home and Im so grateful he is home for Thanksgiving.

*My youngest daughter and I had a MAJOR fallout. Without going into detail...she was gone and I didnt talk to her and I didnt for sure know where she was for 2 days. It was the most devastating, heartbreaking 2 days EVER. During that time, I felt like a failure as a mother. Struggling to stick to my guns about demanding respect but at the same time, wanting to cave and give in to her just to have her home. I wanted to give up completely. She is JUST LIKE ME. We clash but its never been this bad. I wanted to die. I wanted to not exist. I felt I was to blame for everything negative in my children's lives. Sean was home but he stayed out of it for the most part because he knew that her and I had to get through this. Her sisters were there for her and for me but in the end, her and I had to deal with it. After some hard realizations on both of our parts, after a long talk and after some wonderful advice from my tribe of angels (my besties), we got through it. We have an understanding and through it all, she was receptive to what I need from her as I was to her.

* Sean and I took a quick surprise trip to Oklahoma to surprise my Bestie for her birthday. What a FABULOUS weekend! They are moving so I was so glad to see her and her family!

All thats happened had me thinking a lot about who and what I get my strength from. How do I literally deal with the day to day bullshit of LIFE?! My people. Thats how. I am fortunate enough to have a handful of people in my life who are there 100% for me. Even when I dont want to reach out, they know and they have my back consistently. I need people to call me on my bullshit, uplift me, encourage me and give me support when I have no faith in myself. There are days when I dont want to wake up. I dont want to talk to anyone. When all of a sudden, I get a text from one of  my people asking how I am or what's up or if I'm ok. I get reminded of all the trials and tribulations Ive been through in my life and how I am still standing tall today. I get reminded that I have strength to deal with anything that comes along. I am reminded to have faith. I am told how special I truly am. How I impact other lives and the positivity I bring to their lives. Advice that is given is priceless. Before you know it, I am feeling competent again and I KNOW I can handle whatever comes along.

My daughters are also a HUGE part of where I get my strength and will to keep going. They are grown. I felt as though I wasnt needed anymore. They have their lives and my job raising them is done. HELL NO ITS NOT!  I specifically remember days when I literally felt useless and I was just done. Ive even told them on occasion that Im done. Truth be told, I will never be done. The thought of hanging on JUST because I have 3 children who I created, needed me to, has gotten me through some dark days. They might be raised but I know that I will ALWAYS have to be that pillar of strength for them. Being a mother to adults has challenges. Thankfully Ive seen that they still need me, just in a different capacity. I am enough. I am #1 with them and that alone gets me through the toughest of times.

Sean is my rock. His communication skills may suck at times, but without a doubt, he is there for me to the best of his ability. I no longer have expectations of him. I accept him for who he is completely. I make more of an effort to understand things from his side. Finally realizing we work better as a team has definitely been an epiphany for me.  From this angle, I know I am loved, I know I am taken care of and I know someone has my best interest in mind 100!

Faith and spirituality has been a huge factor for me lately. The unknown is scary. But its inevitable. I have learned that I need to truly have faith that things are going to be ok. I may not know how but failing is not an option so together, we will find a way to make every and any thing work. Ive done a lot of soul searching alone and with my close friends. I am open to a lot more about myself. It feels like Im learning something new every day. For the first time in a long while, I finally feel like I am cared about and loved by others. I feel it in my heart and soul that I am worthy of being loved. I dont have to take on everything by myself and there is nothing wrong with leaning on others when I feel lost. Definitely a hard pill for this strong willed, I can handle everything on my own, woman to swallow.

Through my family, through my best friends...life is not so dreary and bleak anymore for me. I see a light. It may be foggy at times but its there. I no longer feel like I am alone for the first time in forever. I DO have friends that truly care about my well being. I have a husband who loves me to no end and I have 3 amazing daughters who see me as their world. I dont have to take on every thing that comes up by myself and I dont have to have all of the answers. I have faith, hope and trust and that has become enough for me. I dont HAVE to have all the answers. I need positivity and good vibes in order for my mind and soul to be complete and I have that, finally.

My oldest daughter is moving back home this week. Finally done with her ex boyfriend of 7 yrs and she is ready to start a new life. I could not be more thrilled for her! She is strong like her mom and her future looks so bright. She hasnt lived with me since she was 17, she is now 24. It will be challenging at times but we will make it through it, like always.

So life keeps coming, throwing curve balls all the time...I feel like Ive found ways to cope and handle things in a manner that is healthy and prosperous for me and for everyone involved.

Find yourself a handful of people that bring light to your life. Find faith and hope that things happen how they are supposed to and everything happens for a reason. Dig deep inside to find your inner strength that you never knew existed. If that is hard for you, lean on your people. Let them uplift you until you can keep yourself up.

I dont know how I would survive without my people. It just wouldnt be possible and I could not be more grateful. I wont have negativity in my life anymore. I wont be emotionally or mentally drained by anyone because I have others depending on me to be strong. Peace, love and light sounds so cliche but its so spot on. Its how I must live my life today. Sean, my daughters, my family, Clara, Mel, Laurie, Carmen, Nancy (who doesnt even have social media anymore lol) and the others, you know who you are....you are my strength, you are my reason, you are my heart. Thank you for being who you are and thank you for loving me unconditionally and being there for me even when I didnt want anyone. FOREVER THANKFUL!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!! Hope 2019 brings you all you want and more!

Random Thursday Thoughts....

I am far from perfect. I make mistakes, I say the wrong things, I have times when Im selfish. I can be mean as hell. However, one thing that no one can say about me is that Im not LOYAL. If you are in my heart, in my close knit circle, my loyalty knows no bounds. Ive noticed some things around me lately that has me thinking a lot about this trait. Its not something many have and its not something many know about or care about. To me, its everything.

Loyalty goes far beyond being friends with someone. It means more than sticking up for you when youre not around. Loyalty is a trait that shows the character of a person. Its not talking shit with other people about someone. Its not being a follower and going towards whatever is cool or what everyone else is doing or thinking. Loyalty means you are down 150% with someone. No, you dont have to hate everyone I hate. I have friends, best friends that are friends with people I no longer associate with. That is absolutely ok. I have no insecurities whatsoever because I KNOW that my friend's relationships with these other people have NOTHING to do with me. My name is not brought up. If it is, I am confidant that shit talking does not come into play and I know if it did, that shit would be shut down. Its an amazing feeling to be secure in my friendships like that. Its nice to never have to doubt how someone feels about me. However, if you are close with someone and they associate with someone that you dont..and that friendship revolves around talking shit and drama, that makes you just as bad as they are for feeding into it. Investing time into someone when there is no foundation other than talking smack is ridiculous. My friendships mean a lot to me. Im very picky and choosy about who I open up to. I can tell you the number of people I do this with is less than 5. I save my inner thoughts and feelings for the real people in my life. The ones who wont judge me, the ones who understand me and the ones who lift me up and take joy when I succeed. Take joy in seeing my stress go away. Granted, Ive realized this as Ive gotten older. The peaceful, serene, secure feeling these few bring me make my life easier and Im very grateful. That feeling of being able to trust a person with every emotion inside you, every feeling you have is amazing. TRUST...HUGE!

My girls were raised with morals, with values and with the know-how NOT to be run over and taken advantage of. They were raised not to take shit or be disrespected. As a woman, I know how catty and petty girls can be. Especially through the teenage years. I have always told my kids that if someone hits you, knock the fuck out of them. Well, they are all grown. My advice now is more along the lines of be the bigger person, stay away from drama and you do you. Best advice Ive ever been given. I have a hot temper, like most females, I run on my emotion. Today, I would like to think I have learned ways to go about things in a more productive way. Drama is so out of date. Loyalty, integrity...that is whats up. Let people talk shit, let people keep drama going..its YOUR choice to be a part of it or not. I choose not to. My girls choose not to. We dont respond, we dont reciprocate, we dont feed into that petty bullshit. People who live for this really shows how little they have going on in their lives because this is what they live for. Its pretty pathetic and hopefully whoever lives like this will realize what life is truly about and get some balls and stop being followers and shit talkers. The only one you can control is yourself and everything is a CHOICE.

Having relationships with substance is very important. What made you become friends in the first place? For me, I have things in common, there is an unspoken bond that draws us together. That leads to trust which sets the foundation for something wonderful. That foundation should not be fucked with or taken for granted. People are petty. You can choose not to be. Loyalty is something everyone needs to be reminded of. Are you one of those people that laugh with people or talk shit with people about someone you are "close" to? Or are you one of those people that stand your ground, not giving a fuck what others think and defend your people to the end? I am the latter. My people are the latter. Its called LOYALTY and BEING REAL. I say all the time, do not mess with my man, my kids, my money or my loved ones. These things I will NOT be lenient with. If you have to second guess people, its not a good feeling at all. Thats when you just need to distance yourself. Do some soul searching to find your people. Find your peace. Find your place that is acceptable for you...no one else. People come and go, YOUR people will be there forever, no matter what, never giving you a reason to question them.

Loyalty is a character trait. The character of a person says A LOT! More than you know. When people think of me and my character, I want them to be able to say she is loving, kind, thoughtful, caring, loyal, respectable, trustworthy, etc...I live my life trying to do the right thing. Going out of my way to make sure those I love KNOW I love them. I want them to know Im thinking of them and I make it known that I am there, I am down with them no matter what or when. Life isnt about just me. Im just a small part of it. I make choices for how I want each day to go. Everyone has a choice. You can choose to be a shitty person, backstabbing, rude and disrespectful, petty...but I can tell you, the darkness that leaves in your heart and soul is not worth it. When your name is mentioned, those words are not things I would want to be known for. What you do DOES affect others around you. Think about your actions on a daily basis...would you be proud of yourself??

So on that note and seeing these are random thoughts, here is something else on my mind today...heavily....

I have NO CLUE when my husband will be home. NONE! No time frame, no window...NADA! Its an issue with the stupid Iraqi govt and the dragging ass they are doing issuing visas. Yes, my husband needs a visa to get back into the country so he can go back to work...
With that being said...I am STRUGGLING every single day to let go, let God. Every day I wake up, I hope I will get that text "My visa came through, Ill be home..." Every night when he calls, my first question "Have you heard anything?" My hopes are fading. Its all up in the air going so many directions. I dont know if he will be home for Christmas. He hasnt been the past 2 years. I dont know if he will be home at all in 2017 or when I will see him. Frustrated is a major understatement right now. It COULD be May when I see him...see the clusterfuck of emotions yet?! All I DO know is that he will be here by June 1 to see our daughter graduate high school. I havent seen him since Feb when he was home last. I want to be fucking pissed. I want to lose it. I want to break things. I want to blame someone. I want to cry. I want to have a pity party. I forgot what a hug feels like...much less all the other things that go with that. Im mad, sad, angry and want to lash out. I want to give up. I want to tell him come home, fuck this job and we will be poor but we will be together. HOWEVER, I am holding it together. I am keeping my cool and I am taking it day by day, hoping for the best but not expecting shit. Im slowly making holiday plans, of course they could change but its a start. I tell myself every day "BROOKE, DONT FUCKING LOSE IT TODAY". Like literally tell myself that...OUT LOUD. I am doing my best to stay in the present. I am being accountable to my family and my close friends with the ups and downs of my emotions so they dont spiral out of control. I am investing my thoughts into my people and doing whatever I can to help whoever I can whenever I can. Of course, my daily routine is that of a sluggish snail...literally dragging along and not really going anywhere or doing anything. But I am making it through each day without hurting anyone so thats a plus. Thank God my girls understand my level of up and down emotion because they have been understanding, patient angels with me. My tribe listens to me rant and whine and moan and they reassure me that I got this. Its the little things that make this bearable so in reality, those things are HUGE. Im making it, Im surviving...it is what it is. Just know that every single day is a struggle for me. I have constant thoughts running through my mind daily. Going on a date. Going out of town with him for a few days. Him playing with the dogs. Actually going to bed with him, etc. Its insane but somehow, Im keeping my sanity...by a thread.

Hmmm...what else do I have this Thursday.......

Well, a lot but this is all Im going to write about. I could literally write a novel right now so I will leave this like it is.

Just be grateful each day...for the good people in your life. Fuck the half assed ones. Be kind....you never know what someone is going through. Be yourself....you are here to live your life, what other people wanna think or say should have no reflection on what you want to do. Love the life you have....you only have one!

Happy Almost Thanksgiving!

Updated at 5:53pm....
I just had to hang up with Sean because I cant handle all of the uncertainty or the I dont knows anymore. Im literally at my breaking point...I think. Not gonna let him see me cry or lash out at him so better to just hang up. No fucking clue when he is coming home