Life update

Its been almost a year since I blogged. That would be because life has turned upside down, a few times and Im at the point where I am just defeated.

Yes, I could read positive quotes about how to take back control of my life, etc...but in reality, does anyone really live by the quotes they read briefly when scrolling through social media? I didnt think so.

I feel like a ticking time bomb about to implode and explode at the same time.

Recap...
Sean got laid off a couple times in 2019 which turned our finances upside down and back numerous times. I cant even begin to explain the toll its taken on us...my whole family. Its not pretty and definitely not fun. He was home a lot and it just turned from bad to worse. Every time I think there is some hope, it turns to shit. Life, my marriage and currently, my kids. Bills are way overdue and everything that comes along with that has my world crashing down right on top of me. Can I get a job (which has been thrown in my face a lot)? Maybe. However I am almost 49, I have no career choice. I have no abilities to do anything other than what Ive known for the last 25 yrs which is be a mom, wife, problem fixer, household manager, etc. I thought for years that THIS is what Im good at. THIS is what Im meant to do. Ironic that Ive given myself to others for so long, I no longer have any sense of who I am.

Having adult children is a challenge. Obviously one Im not up for. Who knew that giving birth to 3 clones of me would be so hard. Now Im starting to see why my life growing up and my adult life was full of uncertainty and turmoil. Im impossible, I have mad anger and resentment and my attitude towards pretty much everything has turned negative.

See, there was a time that I was positive. Negativity had no place in my life. People who sucked the energy out of me emotionally and mentally were phased out of my circle. I tried to speak positivity into existence for myself. It worked for a bit, I actually felt good...but then it all crashed. Currently, I see no light, I see no silver lining and everything around me is falling apart. My husband and I are on such different levels in life, in our growth and I honestly dont know if it can be salvaged. Crazy that Im writing this ON his 40th birthday but I guess I cant control the point of combustion. My girls and I havent talked in 3 days. None of them are living here at the moment. They are all mad at me. I had to make some decisions that have turned my family upside down. I refuse to tolerate anymore disrespect. I refuse to be the punchline to every joke and I refuse to be talked down to. If you dont like how I am, at LEAST respect me for the simple fact that Im your mother. Obviously thats harder for some than others. So be it. My heart is shattered. My emotions are unstable and to be quite blunt, I think about not existing every single day.

Im not gonna sugarcoat or bullshit any of this.

I failed as a parent. I see how my girls are now and I try my hardest not to wonder where I went wrong but its clear as day, I failed. Its not about them being adults and choosing to be who they want, which Ive preached on more than one occasion. When I try to analyze it all, my heart starts racing and I stop before that first tear falls. You can give your children tools on how to survive in life but what a hypocrite I am, as Ive been told plenty. You cant preach independence and self worth if you dont have any of that. How can my own children look up to me or follow my path when it leads nowhere? I have nothing and have no one to blame but myself. We chose for me to stay home and raise the girls therefore I didnt work. When they all got older, I was still holding my family together and taking care of everyone and making sure their lives were smooth. I saved them whenever they got in a jam. I sacrificed money I didnt have to give but gave anyway. I wanted to be the one who made sure my kids never suffered in life. In turn, I feel how I feel today. Not saying I expect anything in return because when I say I would die for my kids...I would in a heartbeat. Seeing them now and how they live their lives, honestly...Im not needed. Thats perfectly ok but because of my own bullshit...I have nothing left for myself. I wish every single day that I could turn back time to them being little so I can either be needed again or redo the mistakes Ive made. When I say I want to run away and that Im done, I want to run away from this feeling. I want to go where my actions and words dont affect anyone. I dont want my girls to not have me around but I dont want my presence to be a negative thing for them or their families.

I failed as a wife. Pleading what you need from your spouse shouldnt have to be a constant in any marriage but thats what its become in mine. You only have so many different ways to get your point across and when youve tried every way possible, what do you do? I have to realize that sometimes, you have to make a decision for everyone because youre the only one strong enough to do it. Well strong is not the right word for me at this point, but you get it. You would think after 15 years together, you should be on the same page and have your relationship down. Well, with him being gone over half that time...more so in the last 5 yrs...its really difficult to make a marriage work for both people. I try my best to be there for everyone, to make sure its all ok...but I see now...I forgot to take care of the one person that matters and that is me. Expectations lead to disappointment. Hopes and dreams arent real. The picture you have in your head is never what the reality of life is.

I fail as a friend. I choose not to be around anyone. That may be because I feel unworthy. No, that is EXACTLY what it is. Im not that uplifting, bright ray of sunshine anymore. I have nothing to offer. I cant be there for anyone when Im living through my own personal hell.  I literally confide in 3 people about everything. Well, its to the point where I dont want to do that now because I will NOT be that negative, pathetic friend who always has issues or is constantly miserable. That is who I am now but I refuse to put that on anyone else. To my 2 best friends, I love you, I need you and please dont give up on me completely.

Do I have positive qualities? I do. I care too much, I care too deeply, I want to fix everyone around me, I will go to the ends of the earth for those I love....but given the person I truly am, I realistically cant do anything for anyone anymore.

February is hard for me. Mom's birthday is Valentine's Day so I get anxiety every year leading up to that. This year is a little different. Only because my anxiety is at an all time high. Mom would NOT be proud of me and how Im living but I dont see any other way right now. I often wonder what she would do if she were alive today. The impact she would have on her adult grandchildren. How my life would be if she was alive. Im almost embarrassed to admit she would be disgusted at how depressed and anti social Ive become. The last time I saw her was a few weeks before she committed suicide, when I laid in her bed with my head in her lap, her stroking my hair..I would give ANYTHING for that right now.

I just want to get in my car and drive away...anywhere. I cant. Not only because I now have driving anxiety...but because I cant run from myself. I think I finally see that maybe Im not meant to have that "true love" everyone wants and many seem to have. Im not meant to have life give me a break. I cant remember ever hating myself more and being more disappointed. The way I feel now is much worse than I felt when I was getting my ass kicked daily by my ex husband. Physical wounds are easier to deal with and they eventually go away.  Im pushing 50 and have NOTHING to show for it. I have no legacy. I have nothing. My thoughts daily revolve around me not existing and that alone, not affecting one single person. How can a sane person be ok with that revelation? Insane. Add that to my list of shortcomings.

NO, IM NOT HAVING A PITY PARTY , IM NOT FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. IM NOT ASKING FOR WORDS OF ADVICE OR A WAY OUT. THIS IS JUST WHO I AM AND HOW I FEEL. I AM NOT A VICTIM AND AS MUCH AS THIS SEEMS LIKE I FEEL LIKE THAT, ITS NOT HOW I WANT TO DEFINE MYSELF.  If you see this as anything else, I honestly dont give a fuck.

Now to clarify a few things..
My kids make me proud every day. They are tackling life on their terms and they will be just fine, with or without me. They dont need my guidance anymore. I would lead them down the wrong road anyway. My first grandchild will be born in May and that is the ONE positive thing that is happening in my life. She will have the best parents ever in Bailey and James. I thank God that my daughter lives her life every way that I didnt. She is responsible in the ways that matter. She married her true best friend at 18 and her life is a REAL LIFE fairy tale in every way. They have the BEST marriage and will have the BEST family ever! Im excited yet sad because I dont know how much I will actually be involved. My other 2 girls are single, independent and finding their way. I just thank God they have each other on this journey.

All I can say is that is that Im sorry Im a disappointment and Im sorry I am not the parent and wife and friend I should be. I just dont have it in me right now. I dont know how I will feel in the future. Given that Sean will be home next week, I just see my anxiety getting worse. A HUGE part of me doesnt even want to be here. I can honestly say that if it werent for my dogs, I probably wouldnt exist. They are the ones who give me the unconditional love I crave. They are the ones who show me love regardless of mistakes Ive made. They are the ones I cuddle up to when Im sad. They are the ones who make me feel important and like I matter to them. Yes, its stupid and strange but it is what it is.

Im getting older, not wiser. I find that social media is toxic so Ive taken a huge step back from that. No one really cares what I post. No one is affected my opinions on anything so why bother. Im not the one who is just gonna post bullshit so my life looks perfect. Im also not gonna post about turmoil either. I know alot have wondered whats going on. Ive ignored messages and texts but here it is. Here is what is REALLY going on with me.

Ive sat here many days and nights and wondered if I died tomorrow, what would my legacy be. I have material things that I want my girls to have. People will say that Im caring but Ill also be known to be a miserable, depressed, anti social loner. It is what it is and as much as I can apologize...this is just WHO I AM.

If this hurts anyone to read, thats not my intention. I feel like writing this all down puts it in perspective for me. As sad as it seems, seeing this all at once is eye opening...just not sure if its for the best or worst. Just understand that Im not the strong, invincible, hard core badass bitch people think I am. I may have been at some point but that person is long gone. I dont know what I will do moving forward, I dont know how I will feel. All I do is take it one day at a time, I wake up each day and count the hours until Im back in bed. Before you feel lied to, Ill admit...I smoke pot at night before I get into bed. I dont care if you dont agree or look down on me for it. It just helps me relax, not think about the day's bullshit so I can actually fall asleep. If you want to judge me, go for it. If you didnt notice before...I truly dont give a fuck what people want to think about me. Ive been doing this for about a year. I can take it or leave it. I choose to take it currently. Trust me, its better than the alternatives Ive considered. I do it alone, I do it only at night. Period.

So there it is...the last year or so all in one place. I can say dont worry about me but any sane person would worry about someone writing and posting all of this. I appreciate you all. I will hopefully find my way one day. I will hopefully be able to see some light in all this darkness. Dont feel bad for me, Dont pity me. Dont get caught up in me. Just pray for me. That is the only thing I will ask of anyone.

Sidenote: Of course my daughter would FT me in the middle of writing this. To see my tears, to see the anguish. Yes, I feel guilty for that too.

To my girls, I love you with all I have. I will love you with every ounce of me until I die. Even after that, my love for you will go on for eternity. No matter what, do not EVER doubt that. I struggle with showing it and I struggle with ways of showing it but in the end, I truly pray you see my true intention behind everything Ive done and everything Ive wanted for you.

My phone is on silent and I wont be answering it or responding to any texts.. I dont have the ability to say anything other than what's in this blog right now. I probably wont mention this again. Again, dont feel bad for me or pity me please. Just pray for me.

For those that I thought gave a damn about me but their actions show different...just ignore all of this because it will be a waste of your time to read anyway.

Social Media vs Reality

I think a lot of people are confused when it comes to thinking they know me. You only know what I want you to know. You only know what I choose to post. So here is the breakdown to clear up any misconceptions or assumptions....

Social Media

• I am strong
• Im obsessed with my kids
• My kids are smartasses
• My marriage is gold
• I can handle anything put in front of me
• My circle is tiny
• Im caring, empathetic, sympathetic and compassionate
• Im an introvert
• Im obsessed with the Patriots
• Football season is my favorite time of year
• I hate cold
• I love Summer
• Aging gives me anxiety
• I miss my mother
• My ex is a piece of shit
• I dont leave my house
• My dogs run this house
• I love baking and cooking

Reality

• Im on the brink of losing my shit on a daily basis
• Some days, I just dont want to wake up
• My marriage is almost nonexistent due to the distance
• I literally have a Facetime marriage
• Disconnection on both ends happens on a weekly basis
• My kids are strong willed, like me, so there is arguing A LOT
• I only trust a handful of females in my life
• My family in Georgia is the epitome of dysfunctional
• I dont talk to either of my brothers
• My dad is on my FB but I dont speak to him either
• Im struggling every day with the kids being grown 
• I feel like a failure as a mother every day
• I havent accepted my mother's suicide (it will be 10 yrs next month)
• My kids arent perfect
• My house is never immaculate
• I avoid outside interaction with everyone
• Financial struggles are the root of my problems currently
• I cuss my children out when they push me to a certain point
• I feel like its too late to do anything with my life
• Im unmotivated
• I miss my REAL best friends so bad it physically hurts
• I am SO tired of not having my husband here

Well, you get the gist. I will post a subliminal meme or quote at times but that doesnt mean I will just get over it and be ok. Truth be told, Im not ok. I dont know what will make me ok or when I will be ok. I can tell you that sometimes, it slips my mind that Im even married because I am literally living an entire life alone. There are times I wish all of my kids were stable in their lives, moved out and being taken care of or taking care of themselves. I fail because I dont know how to be a mother to adults. At their ages, they know it all. My advice or suggestions fall on deaf ears most of the time. The only thing they notice now is that I cant rescue them when they get in a jam financially anymore. We live in a huge house. Its full now. But what is it all for? So I can wake up every day, look at it all and be grateful? Of course I am. Im grateful for everything we have but Im also devastated at the things we dont have or cant provide. In the end, its my fault for poor management of my household. Sean works, I cant ask anything else from him. Do I think he wants to be home? Honestly, no. I dont. Hes in such a zone, hes content where he is...where he wanted to be, with who wants to be with. His Soldier mentality never left him so I guess Im realizing it never will and he needs what he has now to be happy in his life. Ive become an obligation and it bothers the hell out of me but it is what it is. I play it off  as we've been together over 14 yrs, this is just life...but this isnt a way to live.

Do I post all of my woes and bullshit on social media? Hell no! Main reason being that there is no way in hell that out of my 650+ "friends" on FB and my 600+ followers on IG...a fraction of them actually give a shit about my life or how Im doing. The other reason, its no one's business and no one wants to see negative, dark shit across their feeds daily. Only FOUR people know what's going on daily with me. Sometimes, I dont even stay accountable with them. 

Im choosing to open up here because why not? Im not fake, Im not one to say life is perfect when its anything but. Im not one to see a positive quote and apply it to myself. Im not the person who is gonna look on the bright side of things. 

This is just me right now. I am who I am. Hopefully one day, I will find a way to true happiness and fulfillment. I miss the days when life was good. When all the kids were really ok. When struggling wasnt such a issue. 

To my people, Ive been a shitty friend and I am very sorry. I know each of you are going through things. Just know I am thinking of you, praying for you and although, you all know Im here for you...I havent been and I suck. 

To everyone else who reads this...welcome to my TRUE reality. Now you dont have to assume my life is perfect, my kids are spoiled brats and I have everything in the world because that could not be further from the truth. 

I dont want or need sympathy or pity. This is just me being real and raw. Its honestly the only way I know how to be, whether its good or bad. I'm sure I'll get out of this mindset at some point and I am aware that I am the only one who can change me. Just bear with me...or dont. I'm not perfect, Im not Suzy Sunshine and  I never will be. 

"EX" Doesn't Have To Be An Ugly Word

This week has been an emotional and busy one. Decorating for the holidays...I realized how different this year is, especially because my girls' Nana has passed.

She is my ex mother in law. The Brown/Burgess family are my ex inlaws. But, that doesnt have to mean "ex" in an ugly way, as sometimes is the case.

A little history.....Michael is my ex husband. We were together/married from 1991 until I left him in 2002 and our divorce was final in 2006. Our marriage was anything but a fairy tale. Full of violence, dysfunction and terrible memories. However, the POSITIVE things I gained will last me a lifetime...which are of course, the 3 daughters we created and his family. 

I felt a part of his family as soon as we started seeing each other. Nana and Papa were always welcoming and included me in everything from the start. Even having my own Christmas stocking from the beginning. His sister, brother and the rest of the family became my family. All of the years he was incarcerated and was not there for holidays, birthdays, etc...I was. I realized early on how important families are and that his family was a HUGE part of my life, as well as the girls' lives. My baby shower in 1994 was the first time I met the extended Burgess/Brown family. I didnt know any of the women there lol but I learned who each person was, how they were related and to this day, I can still say I talk to them on FB or when I saw them all in September. Kind, God fearing, faithful family oriented, loving, people. 

I was there to help raise and take part in the lives of his niece and nephew. Ashtin and Joseph were babies practically. Ashtin was barely 2 when I met them! When I had my babies, she was 5. From that point, I couldnt have known what a special part of our lives that she would become. She helped me with ALL of my babies more than any cousin should have. In that time, a special relationship blossomed. Not only were my girls her first best friends, her first cousins...they would go on to all grow up and truly stay the BEST of friends. She is now 28, the amazing mother of 3 herself and I truly consider her family. She is my niece. Not my ex niece. I love her like my own, I yell at her like my own and I am forever grateful for the child and woman she was and has become. Watching Joseph grow up and get his life in order has been a blessing in itself.

My "ex" sister in law...nope! She is my sister in law. My girls are her only blood related nieces (or nephews). We have been through everything! Fought like sisters, tolerated each other when we didnt want to and loved a whole lot more than anything. Especially as we've gotten older. She is the best aunt to the girls. She is the most loyal sister in law I couldve asked for. In 1996, she did something that opened my eyes to what I meant to her....At Christmas, the family get together at Nana and Papas...she saw Michael get violent with me in a back room. I didnt know she saw it. Next thing we know, her and her brother are trading punches in the kitchen which turned into her husband and Michael fighting in the driveway. It happened because she had my back in a bad situation. From that day forward, I knew she would be there for me whenever I needed her. God forgive the idiot who chooses to mess with her nieces! She is a a spitfire like Papa but has a heart of gold, like Nana.

His brother Ashley was more of a dad to the girls when they were babies than Michael was. While Michael was out gallivanting, not caring about his family...Ashley was the one who brought me diapers and milk when I needed it. Ashley would go to the ends of the earth for anyone. One of the biggest hearts EVER! He is my brother in law. Always has been and always will. The girls ADORE him to this day and so do I! He would give the shirt off his back for anyone. His heart is as big as they come. Definitely has part of Nana in him!

Michele...the girls' great aunt...Not only was Brittany named after her, she married Michael and I! Ive always looked at her like I would an aunt. She knows me well so she knows exactly when to shoot me down and when to laugh and agree with me. The memories she shares with us from the older years are priceless. I could listen to her stories about the time she grew up for days!

Nana....what a saint. Im so glad I named Brandy after her! What a tolerant, faith driven amazing woman she was. I dont like calling her my ex mother in law. I just call her Nana! The last time I spoke to her was a few weeks before she passed. NOT ONCE, did she forget to end our conversations with an "I LOVE YOU, HUN". I remember years and years of the girls growing when I would randomly call her just to update on what my girls were up to. I also called her when the girls needed a soft but stern speaking to because they werent listening to me lol  She taught me so much about life. How to take care of babies, how to cook, how to be a wife among many other things. The influence she has on me still applies to my life today. 28 years after I met her. She knew how much I loved her and how much she always meant to me. Of course, she nagged and complained but what mother in law doesnt?! I love that woman with my whole heart and her impact will live on through me and my girls forever.

She wrote Sean a letter some years back, thanking him for taking care of her grandbabies and said she is "forever in his debt"...that is just the kind of woman she was. She was well aware her own son was a shitty father, husband, etc...BUT she never gave up on him, was there for him even when everyone told her he didnt deserve it. Yet, she took time to thank my current husband like that. 

When I left Michael finally, there was a very short time where the family was disappointed in me. VERY SHORT! A lot of families that break up make the choice to exclude the ex's family completely. That thought NEVER crossed my mind. It would have been so selfish of me to take away the love of this family from my girls. To deny them the family that is rightfully theirs.  Its not their fault my marriage didnt work. So that was never even a consideration for me. The girls and the Browns have ALWAYS stayed close. ALWAYS been knee deep involved and a part of each other's lives. Taken part in so many milestones in their lives. Granted, Michael always being in jail made this much easier, but even when he is out...the relationship WE have with the family has never faltered. To this day, now that my girls are adults...they are grateful to me for never keeping them from their family.

How fortunate am I to have an extended family in my life that didnt necessarily have to happen?! When Nana passed in September, I didnt have a second thought of going to Georgia for her funeral. We had somewhat prepared for this for a few years, only because she was aging and it was inevitably going to be her time. As soon as we get the news...almost immediately after she passed, my main concern was being there for my girls and for the family. Sandy, Michele, Ashtin...ALL OF THEM. We got to Georgia and it felt like old times. Sandy stated she wanted me with the family at the service. Without mentioning it, I cant even tell you how much that meant to me. We spent the week with family and it was like nothing has changed. Still close as ever. As her services happened, extended family and family friends that I hadnt seen in YEARS came up to me and were just sweet as can be. Showed me that they remembered me, even liked me and loved my kids. Ive always loved the extended family and going to the annual Burgess reunions was one of my favorite memories of when my kids were babies. 

Papa...the stubborn, rough exterior, doesnt take any bs, outspoken, total southern to the core man he was. I saw that side but our family was so lucky to see a complete different side. He (and Nana) had such a softness, such a vulnerability when it came to ALL their babies. He was the sweetest, most spoiling Papa ever! He is THE Papa that would sneak candy to the babies because they wanted it. Memories of babies on his lap in his recliner just rocking them to sleep. Protective as all get out! He loved Nana more than life. Being a part of their 50th wedding anniversary vow renewal family pictures  meant the world to me. Michael was "away", Brittany was just a baby. He has left quite a legacy and I see him and Nana in my girls every day. Not to mention in Sandy, Ashtin, Joseph and the rest of the family.  Brandy was a baby when he passed but today, she can tell you what kind of man he was, stories that she was told her entire life. She may not remember him but through this family, she knows what a special man their Papa was.

Decorating my tree, I surprisingly got so emotional. Every year since all the babies (even my generation and before), Nana made ornaments for everyone. I have the ones she made for my girls. Putting them up, I can remember each year she gave each one to them. Christmas was everyone's favorite time of year. Christmas at Nana's. Waking up Christmas morning to presents spread out on her couch for the girls from Santa. Her breakfast casserole she made every year. The ham...OH THE HAM!!! When we moved away from Georgia in 2009, I know the girls missed Christmas with the Browns terribly. I did too but not like they did. Knowing that Christmas wont ever be the same again is heartbreaking. Since we moved, EVERY Christmas (Easter, Mothers Day, etc) morning, I always tell my girls "make sure you call Nana". This year I cant say that. But I CAN tell them to make sure they call their Aunt Sandy and Aunt Michele. Traditions will live on. 

I consider myself so lucky to have an additional family still in my life to call my own. They arent "exes". I hate that word. They are just FAMILY. I speak to all of them regularly...my girls do too. Ashtin is still their best friend and the bond that these 4 girls have now is such a beautiful thing to witness. I know Nana and Papa are looking down on their family and would be proud of how strong everyone is. Memories flood our minds, love fills our hearts. While the holidays will never be the same...Joseph said something to me the other day...he said "We will still have great family gatherings"...SO TRUE!! 

My ex husband is my ex for a reason. GOOD reasons...but his family is my family. Always have been and always will be. They have included my current husband from day one. They love him like their own. What more can I ask for?

I shed tears when I think of how much Nana (and Papa) are missed but I am so appreciative of everything they have done for me the last 28 years...the love and lessons they instilled in my daughters.  The lessons they taught me! The faith in God they had lets me know without a doubt that they are in heaven, together again, keeping watch over all of us and smiling.  

28 years as a part of this family. Such a blessing, such a special group of people. I could not have wished for a better family for my daughters. Just because they have nothing to do with Michael, they never have really...that doesnt mean that they cant have anything to do with his family...their family...the family they were born from and into. My girls have so much love from them that it overflows and completely compensates for what they have never received from their own biological "father". 

Since Nana has passed, Ive noticed a change. Sandy, Ashtin, my girls...I can see that they look at life differently. They see it through Nana's eyes and they try to live life the way she would want. 

Bailey is a carbon copy of Nana. Her mannerisms, her emotions, her heart, her compassion. I am very grateful for that! EVERYONE told her how much she was like Nana and I know how much she loves that and takes pride in it. We even compared younger photos of Nana to her and she has a lot of her features. I know Bay takes so much pride in this as well as the rest of the family.

Holidays will be different but there will never be a lack of love and family. Being raised Jewish, the Brown family showed me what family and Christmas time means. 

Im the one who is forever in THEIR debt!

Nana and Papa, you are loved and missed more than you know. Your memory and legacy will carried on through generation after generation of the family YOU created!! Never far from our thoughts and ALWAYS IN OUR HEARTS!