If I have you on FB, you've probably read my story about domestic violence, how it affected me and shaped me into who I am today. I'll post what I wrote...
"About to get personal but this is so the silent ones can know that they are NOT ALONE:
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Not a lot know but I am a SURVIVOR. I endured a very abusive relationship in my first marriage. It went on for over 10 years, through 3 pregnancies. I was 20 yrs old when I met him. It got worse as the years went on. It started with a smack across my face and progressed into black eyes, constant bruises, a broken collar bone, getting beat when I was pregnant (all 3 times), being woken up and yanked out of bed by my hair, threats, terrorizing, being hit WHILE I had my babies in my arms, etc. I stayed because I felt like I had no other option. It was easier to stay in a "comfortable" situation then to leave and start over with 3 babies and nothing. I made excuses, I even lied under oath for him. So I took all the abuse, It happened every and any where, in a back room during family get togethers, in front of "friends", it didnt matter. Extreme physical, emotional, mental, verbal...I stayed calm so my babies wouldnt freak out. I just took it and prayed each incident would just get over with. I NEVER fought back because I had to stay calm for my babies. After my youngest was born, my life took a turn and I FINALLY realized that I could NOT raise my daughters in this environment any longer. I WONT DO IT. He was doing another stay in his home aka jail so I stopped taking collect calls, stopped going to visit and I WAS DONE! It took me a LONG time to figure out that it wasnt my fault. That this was NOT what LOVE is. Love is all I was looking for. In my sick mind, I thought because he cared enough to go psycho on me, he loved me. NOT TRUE WHATSOEVER. I thought that I was the ONLY one who knew him, I thought I could save him and change him. He didnt care about me or the 3 kids we created. He would leave us for days on end, no money, no food. I had to depend on family to bring me diapers and milk. I HAD ENOUGH! My mom got me a good job with the State of Georgia and my life took a turn. I struggled for a few years but I wasnt getting hit on a daily basis so that was HUGE. I finally divorced him while he was in jail and that was the end of it. He has NO part in MY kids' lives. By HIS choice. I never badmouthed or tried to make the kids hate him bcos I KNEW when they were old enough, his actions would tell them all they needed to know. I was right. Fast forward to now....
I have a man who adores me, who TRULY loves me, TRULY loves my girls as his own and has raised them as his own. He has shown me what real love is about. Has NEVER laid a hand on me or been aggressive in ANY WAY! Ive also learned that I will NEVER let anyone control me EVER AGAIN. Going through that time in my life was a night mare, but I came out STRONGER, TOUGHER, MORE ASSERTIVE AND MORE APPRECIATIVE OF WHAT IS REAL. My daughters are STRONG, CONFIDENT, INDEPENDENT, ALPHA PERSONALITIES, PROUD and I KNOW they will NEVER take ANY TYPE of abuse from a man in ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. They know what REAL LOVE is, they know what RESPECT is and they will NOT settle for less. Im SO PROUD of how they have turned out. Their lives, this outcome was the most important thing to me. I can say today that I AM A SURVIVOR. Those going through this, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There IS a better life for you! When all hope is gone, when you cant see a light at the end of the tunnel, Im here to tell you that there IS ONE...SHINING BRIGHT! Im here for ANYONE that needs to talk, vent, share their story. I promise you, I CAN relate and there IS A WAY OUT! I know this is long, I know its personal but I want people to be AWARE...not because its DV Awareness Month...but because we are ALL human, we ALL have our stories and THIS one is mine to share! Thank God, the outcome is AMAZING. Not all are. I dont want props, I dont want pity, I just wanted to share this because if it helps ONE person, that is validation for me. I did what I had to do and made it out alive and stronger than ever. You can too!
Sorry this is so lengthy but this is REAL, its an epidemic and its needs to STOP! NO ONE DESERVES THIS."
This is just part of my story so I wanted to elaborate. Going through this was literally the most difficult time in my life. You would think that once youre out of a situation like this, you are all better. NOPE! There is still fear, insecurity, feeling unworthy, etc. To this day, I still suffer from the effects. Some of it good, a lot of it bad.
People tell me all the time how strong I am, how assertive I am, how tough I am. I honestly feel like I have no other choice but to live that way. However, it also has its downfalls. I am a bitch, I am almost unemotional in situations. I dont let anyone have power over my feelings. But inside, I know I struggle with myself. Every day. You could say I have some PTSD from this but I dont like to look at it like that. I am a survivor. My babies counted on me and I did what I had to do to make sure they were raised right.
Domestic Violence comes in so many forms. What I suffered through, I find myself dishing it out. I can be verbally abusive, emotionally abusive and mentally abusive. Its wrong. I have no excuse for it and I wont make any. When I feel wronged or I feel threatened, words are my ammunition. I need to learn to find a better way, as hard as it is. I think its that fear of being controlled. That fear of letting someone have power over my feelings or allowing someone to make me feel a certain way. Not gonna happen. In my 46 yrs, I am nowhere NEAR perfect. I dont have all the answers. I know the right way to handle things but executing that is harder than you think.
When I hear about DV situations, its sickens me. When people I know are going through it, I feel their pain. I was too much of a coward to leave my situation but today, I tell these women to get the hell out any way you can. One slap leads to worse. Being called a bitch every day leads to being slapped. Once a certain behavior is allowed, it continues. Regardless of promises that it will stop. Your well being, the well being of your children has to be priority. Turn to loved ones, turn to advocates, turn to shelters. It may seem hopeless but its not and I PROMISE...down the road, you will come out stronger and wiser.
As I write this, one incident comes to mind. My ex and I were living on a friend's property. I was pregnant with my 3rd daughter. I cant remember what started it but I came out of it with a goose egg on my forehead the size of a golf ball...literally. I think he head butted me but its vague. I went to our friend's main house. I was convinced to call the police. If I recall, my ex had just come off a drug binge so he was crashed out at our place. I sat up on the hill at their house and watched the police come and take him out in handcuffs. Why did my heart sink? Why did I instantly regret what I did? Why did I feel sorry for him? I'm the one who is injured because of him. But I was devastated. I was to blame and all the bullshit from the result of this arrest was my fault. I cant remember what happened after that but he was "out" when our daughter was born so nothing came of it, Most likely, I dropped charges, as usual.
These feelings of responsibility and guilt were all too often. Always wondering how I couldve avoided this shit from happening. Truth be told, I couldnt. Still, after years of the abuse and bullshit...the "love" I had for him, the loyalty...it was everything. If he could just understand and see that he was my world, he would stop beating me, stop leaving us for drugs and whores and we could finally be a family again. How SICK does a person have to be to think like that?! I was THAT sick!! It took MANY years to figure out that he would never change. That it wasnt my fault and that my life and my babies could not go through this anymore.
When I finally left, it was hard but I had 3 lives dependent on me so I had to keep moving on. I felt free, empowered and ready to make a life for me and my girls. Thats exactly what I did. I had help from family but I was doing it. There was drama during this time obviously but I knew I wasnt going back to that bullshit. Ive seen him a few times and it just made me even more grateful for getting out when I did. He chose his life path which was to stay in trouble with the law, etc. His life has been one incarceration after another. I always kept tabs on where he was for peace of mind.
Today in 2017, he is in prison. Again. About 4 years ago, we were at a point that we could actually talk on the phone...or more like him cutting me off with every word I said. It was awkward because when I would call the girls' Nana (we have always stayed close), he would answer the phone. It usually turned into yelling matches with me attempting to let him know that Im not the same person I was back then and he was NOT going to talk to me the way he was accustomed. It usually ended with me hanging up on him. Well I had a moment and I sent him $20 when he was locked up. He needed reading glasses or something. I had to do that through a website.Well a few months ago, I got an email from him. I was SHOOK! I didnt realize that the website kept me in that system so thats how he reached me. The first 3 weeks was ridiculous. It was a back and forth argument. His sister told me that he and I are very volatile together and that could not be more true. Him having this arrogant attitude and me trying to drill into his head what he has done to me...and the girls. For the FIRST time, I had the chance to get out everything Ive ever wanted to say to him for the last 15 years...WITH NO INTERRUPTION! Fuck yea I was gonna take advantage of it! So I went off! Told him what he did, how he fucked up, how he made us feel, the long term effects its had on us, etc. I let it ALL out and it felt damn good! I even told him to fuck off a few times and called him a piece of shit which felt awesome..I could finally say those things to him without getting hit or without any fear. When he is sober, when his mind is "clear", he can think straight and feel some kind of emotion. I took that for everything it was worth. After so many back and forth emails, he apologized. I think it was sincere but it was more likely sincere because he was clean and sober and couldnt get fucked up to drown out his guilt. He finally acknowledged the things he had done to us. For now. Then it turned into him asking me to do this for him, call that person, etc. Nope. Im not his messenger and Im not gonna relay messages to people for him. I was nice and sent him pictures of the girls. Partly so he could see how amazing and beautiful they turned out with no help or influence from him. I was in a few of the pics. Well now came the load of crap....."You are the love of my life" "Youre the reason it never worked out with any other woman" "No one could ever compare to you" "I still love you" "I regret what Ive done every minute of every day" I QUICKLY shut that shit down. I told him he cant tell me he loves me. Im married and its disrespectful. Then came the asking of pics of me, how beautiful I am, how I brighten his days, etc. Umm NOPE again! I told him Im not sending any more pics with me in it. Only the girls. Im not his anything anymore so it just wasnt happening.
While its weird that we communicate, the girls dont get it...not many would. I know without a doubt that when he gets out, I wont hear from him and he will go back to whatever he does which is get into trouble again. I dont want to contact him then. He will never know my address. I email him now just because. I feel good that I got everything out to him that was stuffed down for so long. I cant say that I forgive him fully but I can be civil. Idk if its the fact that we created 3 lives together or what. I dont consider him in my life. I dont consider him in the girls lives. Im just updating him on how they are doing. Maybe somewhere deep down I have some sort of pity for him but I think that could go along with my sickness of having Battered Womans Syndrome. Who knows. The fact that we communicate on occasion doesnt affect me anymore. I know I will never let him in my life physically, emotionally or mentally. I also will never forget the HELL he put me through. So I have a clear mind and a clear train of thought with all of this.
It the end, its about my healing. The lessons I learned. The experiences I went through and came out of. Hating takes a lot of energy and as I get older, its just not worth it. The girls are all adults now and as always, IF they choose to contact him at some point, that is their decision. Sean and I will support them and have their back in any decision they make. My ex knows how they feel about him. I didnt mince any words at all. He needs to realize the anger and hate they have towards him and why. If they want to cuss him out, they have every right to. Its totally their choice to deal with this however they choose to, when ever they choose, if at all. They know they have us and other family that will stand behind them and protect them.
In hindsight, I was with this abuser from the time I was 20 until I was 29 physically and of course, in and out until I was in my early 30s. That was almost 30 yrs ago. WOW! Forgiveness is not an easy thing. Im not there. I dont think I ever will but for me, I got some closure that was needed. That is good enough for me, at this time. Knowing he will never affect my current life, knowing that no man will ever lay a hand on me or control me or make me feel worthless again is enough for me. My babies are amazing young women. I am no longer a victim. I am a survivor and I rose above this time in my life and I feel stronger than ever as far as this is concerned.
If you are living in this black hole of despair, pain and desperation...you can find your way out and see sunshine again. Ive been there, a lot of women have...it takes a lot of hard work but its attainable. I PROMISE! Reach out to friends, loved ones, even strangers...shelters, churches, advocates, organizations..if you need help, contact me, I will do whatever I can and try to point you in the right direction. The feelings that victims have of hopelessness are all too real. Ive been there and its a dark place. Thank God I got out of my situation and was able to overcome a lot of it. Just reach out...if youre living in a situation like this, what do you have to lose? Nothing...but you have EVERYTHING TO GAIN!
Here are some helpful links:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
DV Shelters In Your Area
Hotline And Shelter Information
Victims Advocates
Domestic Violence comes in so many forms. What I suffered through, I find myself dishing it out. I can be verbally abusive, emotionally abusive and mentally abusive. Its wrong. I have no excuse for it and I wont make any. When I feel wronged or I feel threatened, words are my ammunition. I need to learn to find a better way, as hard as it is. I think its that fear of being controlled. That fear of letting someone have power over my feelings or allowing someone to make me feel a certain way. Not gonna happen. In my 46 yrs, I am nowhere NEAR perfect. I dont have all the answers. I know the right way to handle things but executing that is harder than you think.
When I hear about DV situations, its sickens me. When people I know are going through it, I feel their pain. I was too much of a coward to leave my situation but today, I tell these women to get the hell out any way you can. One slap leads to worse. Being called a bitch every day leads to being slapped. Once a certain behavior is allowed, it continues. Regardless of promises that it will stop. Your well being, the well being of your children has to be priority. Turn to loved ones, turn to advocates, turn to shelters. It may seem hopeless but its not and I PROMISE...down the road, you will come out stronger and wiser.
As I write this, one incident comes to mind. My ex and I were living on a friend's property. I was pregnant with my 3rd daughter. I cant remember what started it but I came out of it with a goose egg on my forehead the size of a golf ball...literally. I think he head butted me but its vague. I went to our friend's main house. I was convinced to call the police. If I recall, my ex had just come off a drug binge so he was crashed out at our place. I sat up on the hill at their house and watched the police come and take him out in handcuffs. Why did my heart sink? Why did I instantly regret what I did? Why did I feel sorry for him? I'm the one who is injured because of him. But I was devastated. I was to blame and all the bullshit from the result of this arrest was my fault. I cant remember what happened after that but he was "out" when our daughter was born so nothing came of it, Most likely, I dropped charges, as usual.
These feelings of responsibility and guilt were all too often. Always wondering how I couldve avoided this shit from happening. Truth be told, I couldnt. Still, after years of the abuse and bullshit...the "love" I had for him, the loyalty...it was everything. If he could just understand and see that he was my world, he would stop beating me, stop leaving us for drugs and whores and we could finally be a family again. How SICK does a person have to be to think like that?! I was THAT sick!! It took MANY years to figure out that he would never change. That it wasnt my fault and that my life and my babies could not go through this anymore.
When I finally left, it was hard but I had 3 lives dependent on me so I had to keep moving on. I felt free, empowered and ready to make a life for me and my girls. Thats exactly what I did. I had help from family but I was doing it. There was drama during this time obviously but I knew I wasnt going back to that bullshit. Ive seen him a few times and it just made me even more grateful for getting out when I did. He chose his life path which was to stay in trouble with the law, etc. His life has been one incarceration after another. I always kept tabs on where he was for peace of mind.
Today in 2017, he is in prison. Again. About 4 years ago, we were at a point that we could actually talk on the phone...or more like him cutting me off with every word I said. It was awkward because when I would call the girls' Nana (we have always stayed close), he would answer the phone. It usually turned into yelling matches with me attempting to let him know that Im not the same person I was back then and he was NOT going to talk to me the way he was accustomed. It usually ended with me hanging up on him. Well I had a moment and I sent him $20 when he was locked up. He needed reading glasses or something. I had to do that through a website.Well a few months ago, I got an email from him. I was SHOOK! I didnt realize that the website kept me in that system so thats how he reached me. The first 3 weeks was ridiculous. It was a back and forth argument. His sister told me that he and I are very volatile together and that could not be more true. Him having this arrogant attitude and me trying to drill into his head what he has done to me...and the girls. For the FIRST time, I had the chance to get out everything Ive ever wanted to say to him for the last 15 years...WITH NO INTERRUPTION! Fuck yea I was gonna take advantage of it! So I went off! Told him what he did, how he fucked up, how he made us feel, the long term effects its had on us, etc. I let it ALL out and it felt damn good! I even told him to fuck off a few times and called him a piece of shit which felt awesome..I could finally say those things to him without getting hit or without any fear. When he is sober, when his mind is "clear", he can think straight and feel some kind of emotion. I took that for everything it was worth. After so many back and forth emails, he apologized. I think it was sincere but it was more likely sincere because he was clean and sober and couldnt get fucked up to drown out his guilt. He finally acknowledged the things he had done to us. For now. Then it turned into him asking me to do this for him, call that person, etc. Nope. Im not his messenger and Im not gonna relay messages to people for him. I was nice and sent him pictures of the girls. Partly so he could see how amazing and beautiful they turned out with no help or influence from him. I was in a few of the pics. Well now came the load of crap....."You are the love of my life" "Youre the reason it never worked out with any other woman" "No one could ever compare to you" "I still love you" "I regret what Ive done every minute of every day" I QUICKLY shut that shit down. I told him he cant tell me he loves me. Im married and its disrespectful. Then came the asking of pics of me, how beautiful I am, how I brighten his days, etc. Umm NOPE again! I told him Im not sending any more pics with me in it. Only the girls. Im not his anything anymore so it just wasnt happening.
While its weird that we communicate, the girls dont get it...not many would. I know without a doubt that when he gets out, I wont hear from him and he will go back to whatever he does which is get into trouble again. I dont want to contact him then. He will never know my address. I email him now just because. I feel good that I got everything out to him that was stuffed down for so long. I cant say that I forgive him fully but I can be civil. Idk if its the fact that we created 3 lives together or what. I dont consider him in my life. I dont consider him in the girls lives. Im just updating him on how they are doing. Maybe somewhere deep down I have some sort of pity for him but I think that could go along with my sickness of having Battered Womans Syndrome. Who knows. The fact that we communicate on occasion doesnt affect me anymore. I know I will never let him in my life physically, emotionally or mentally. I also will never forget the HELL he put me through. So I have a clear mind and a clear train of thought with all of this.
It the end, its about my healing. The lessons I learned. The experiences I went through and came out of. Hating takes a lot of energy and as I get older, its just not worth it. The girls are all adults now and as always, IF they choose to contact him at some point, that is their decision. Sean and I will support them and have their back in any decision they make. My ex knows how they feel about him. I didnt mince any words at all. He needs to realize the anger and hate they have towards him and why. If they want to cuss him out, they have every right to. Its totally their choice to deal with this however they choose to, when ever they choose, if at all. They know they have us and other family that will stand behind them and protect them.
In hindsight, I was with this abuser from the time I was 20 until I was 29 physically and of course, in and out until I was in my early 30s. That was almost 30 yrs ago. WOW! Forgiveness is not an easy thing. Im not there. I dont think I ever will but for me, I got some closure that was needed. That is good enough for me, at this time. Knowing he will never affect my current life, knowing that no man will ever lay a hand on me or control me or make me feel worthless again is enough for me. My babies are amazing young women. I am no longer a victim. I am a survivor and I rose above this time in my life and I feel stronger than ever as far as this is concerned.
If you are living in this black hole of despair, pain and desperation...you can find your way out and see sunshine again. Ive been there, a lot of women have...it takes a lot of hard work but its attainable. I PROMISE! Reach out to friends, loved ones, even strangers...shelters, churches, advocates, organizations..if you need help, contact me, I will do whatever I can and try to point you in the right direction. The feelings that victims have of hopelessness are all too real. Ive been there and its a dark place. Thank God I got out of my situation and was able to overcome a lot of it. Just reach out...if youre living in a situation like this, what do you have to lose? Nothing...but you have EVERYTHING TO GAIN!
Here are some helpful links:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
DV Shelters In Your Area
Hotline And Shelter Information
Victims Advocates
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