Loneliness Is Addictive

I am alone 90% of the time. My husband has been home for just under 4 mths in the last 3 years. My 2 older kids dont live at home and my youngest who is 18 has her own life...work, friends, school, etc. Most of the time, Im perfectly fine by myself. However, Ive realized that Ive grown accustomed to being alone, you could say addicted in a way. 

I dont work, by choice. I have all the time in the world. I could go out and be social at any given time. I could even get a job. I have no kids to watch, no real parent responsibilities anymore. However, I CHOOSE not to do those things. Im a loner. I literally leave my house once or twice a week to go to the store and run errands. My days consist of cleaning, taking care of my dogs..and staying in my head and thoughts constantly. Since Brandy is still home and I now have Bailey here for a bit, there is more to do and more interaction and chaos. Good chaos but nonetheless, chaos. Ive found myself getting annoyed by it. Of course Im happy my kids are here, but when the house is empty, like now, I just feel more calm and content. 

Being alone has become addictive for me. When I have to go out, I spend over an hour getting ready. If only, so people who see me in public wont look at me and think I dont have my shit together. So they wont see the truth, which is that I have no life. Sadly, I chose this but Im content like this.  I have no desire to have any social interaction with anyone. I have no desire to go out and do spontaneous stuff. I literally prefer staying home in my sweats all day, every day and watching my TV shows that I have scheduled each night of the week. I have an overflowing closet of clothes and shoes that I never wear. They are there "just in case". How stupid is that? I could sell my purse collection for a fortune but I need to keep them all "just in case". I DONT GO ANYWHERE! This is NOT who I used to be.

I used to be the "hostess with the mostest" when the kids were younger. In our early and middle days in the Army. I had get togethers ALL the time. Went out to dinner ALL the time with friends. Threw parties and had tons of people over. I was a total social butterfly. When we lived in Georgia, there wasnt a weekend that went by that I wasnt out with a group of friends. Our entire families. Having dinner, hanging out, having a fabulous time. In Louisiana, it was a repeat of that. We had friends from Georgia there so it was always a great time full of friends that are family to us. When I got to Texas, I had a best friend here and when she PCSed, I just shut down. I do have friends here that Ive met. I have opportunities to hang out with people. I get invites all the time. I just dont go. When Sean started deploying with this job, it took some getting used to again. Now it takes getting used to having him home for just over a month at a time. I have my days where Im sick of doing life alone. The deployments are wearing me down. Im married but Im alone. Sometimes I feel guilty for "enjoying" my life by myself. I get anxiety when he comes home. I get anxiety at the thought of socializing. When these things happen, I absolutely love it. I have a great time and I remember why I love entertaining company. Its just not my go-to persona anymore. Why am I so content and ok with no interaction with people? Why am I so ok with not leaving my house? 

It could be that Im getting older. It could be that I just feel like I cant invest in anyone anymore. This is just who I am today. I dont necessarily like it but Im content. Part of me feels like I have no purpose. The kids are grown. I raised them and I feel like a failure at parenting adult children. Im pushing 50 yrs old. My husband is 38, Im stupid enough to have insecure thoughts to the point we are fighting over shit that has NEVER been an issue before. He loves me, would never betray or hurt me in any way. So why do I convince myself otherwise to the point I truly believe my thoughts?? Am I forcing myself to be ok with the distance between us? Is it finally getting down to the fact that I really CANT take it anymore? People see me as this strong woman that can handle anything that comes my way. Maybe Im reaching a breaking point. Maybe its perimenopause that is causing my emotions and thoughts to go fucking crazy. Maybe its a mid life crisis. Maybe Im just good at stuffing the real shit inside of me down deep enough to where I can ignore it. Maybe being alone has me going literally insane. I honestly dont know the answers. I know what I should do and think, but I block all of that. Who knows, maybe Im comfortable being an insecure, aging, paranoid loner. Is it depression? Could be.

I have a good life. I have great friends. I am just clueless on how to incorporate these things into my happiness. I dont want to reach out to anyone. I dont want to be the needy friend. I always have my shit together...or do I? Not saying Im fake in any way...just saying Im not one to burden people with my issues and problems. Instead, I make myself available to anyone at any time. Seeing people I love struggle is the WORST for me. I want to feel needed yet I dont want to need anyone. Make sense? Not to me either. 

I guess being alone so much has forced me to take a look at myself. Half the time, Im not ok with who I see. The other half is bulletproof and can handle anything and everything that comes my way. My best friends are hundreds of miles away. They have their own lives, their own family and their own things they are going through. Deployments are not easy. I got this, right? Its what we have to do at this point in time. I can deal with this life. Ive been doing it for almost 14 years. Times change. The kids got older. Our bills doubled. Life moves on. This is how I convince myself that I got this in the bag. Today, I dont.

Not only that...this rotation, Sean's job is somewhat dangerous. So I have that to think about too. There is alot happening with Graduation coming fast, Sean will be home in a month, my family bullshit that still weighs heavily on my mind, Mom's Angelversary...etc. Im more content with nothing on the calendar, nothing going on and nothing to think about. Thats just not how life is, though. This Mercury retrograde has life all fucked up for me but hopefully, this too, shall pass...QUICKLY. Im really off lately, Im stressed and Im about to lose my shit daily...but I have to believe that life will calm down soon. I have to believe that its going to be ok....only because I dont know how it could get worse right now. 

Saturday night... Bailey is back in El Paso until Friday. Bran is out with her friends so its just me and the dogs. Im going to watch Greatest Showman for the second time today and 6th time total. That movie makes me feel good for some reason so I love it! Godwilling, getting this out can help me wake up tomorrow with a different mindset. As content as I am being alone, my mindset isnt where its supposed to be. Im going to pray tonight to give me some answers that I definitely need. When shit's out of whack...my family suffers and they dont deserve it.

Just like any addiction, if it gets out of control and if you give in to the addiction, there are consequences. My addiction to being alone has them too and Im suffering these consequences now. Praying it will subside and I can get it in check. Maybe one day, I will decide to put myself out there and learn to be social again. Time will tell. Until then, my DVR awaits and there are always dishes and laundry to do!!