The LAST Word

Ive spent way too much of my time stressing over this. NO MORE!


I’m the reason my mom took her life. 

My ex husband didn’t kill me. Hate to disappoint this piece of shit. 

He’s a minority yet calls me a racial slur and I ruined my mother’s life. Yes I left his name so there is no mistake who this is from...I couldve left his business phone number and contact info but for now, I wont. Those that know him, know who he is and what he does and where.

I woke up with these statements ringing in my ear. Over and over again. Statements degrading my character, lies about my life, berating me, disrespecting my kids and my husband, things worse than you would wish on your worst enemy. Causing me to doubt the love my mother and aunt had and have for me, etc. Yesterday was hell. Today is a new day. I give no fucks about this person. I give no fucks who knows about this person and sadly I say, I only wish the worst for this person. It takes a really big piece of shit to allow these things and worse to be said to anyone, much less a family member.

While these things hurt to read, I’ve made the decision to consider the source and wash my hands of this altogether. Not saying Karma won’t get him in the end  but saying that I will no longer waste my emotion or energy on an individual that is so miserable he can’t see straight. I have a couple of amazing family members, the most supportive best friends anyone could wish for, 3 beautiful successful daughters and a loving husband. Life is too short to spend it stressing over shit that doesn’t matter. People that have no effect or relevance in your life. I could totally let this break me. I could easily get depressed and sit in this and read the emails over and over again, wondering how my brother and I got to this point. FUCK THAT!!! This is him. This is who he is and his issues and guilt and his inability to be decent is solely on him. I will not let this stop me from being the caring, thoughtful, good person that I am. No way in hell am I going to give this bastard or his girlfriend power over my emotions or me at all. Today, I am the strong, willful, determined badass that Ive always been. My life is great..ok, I miss my husband but...my kids are great and my circle of people are amazing. This deployment has had me at a breaking point but I got myself out of it every time. If it werent for my select friends, it couldve gotten bad. Having a strong, unconditional support system is everything. 

Today I choose happy. I will surround myself with my positive people. I will be grateful for the life I have. I will spread love and joy to those who need it and I will take care of me. I cant and wont depend on others to fix me. I have the tools, I will execute what I know. I know deep in my soul the relationship I had with my mother and NO ONE will discount that or take that away from me. Especially not some psychotic fucktard with anger and guilt issues. 

Ive spoken to my attorney in Ga and if this evil person wants to pursue a lawsuit against me, good luck lol His emails are enough to make him look like the losing idiot he truly is. Ive spoken to our aunt and she helped me see a lot. No one in our family is taking sides as I dont expect them to. But now they are aware and saw with their own eyes what a hateful person he is. 

Life for me will continue. I have some amazing things coming up. Most important, my husband will be home soon..if only for a month but I will take what I can get. He will be home for Christmas for the first time in 3 years...I hope! I got some great news yesterday that a very special person in my life may be moving here. That right there is a sign from God! My girls lives are kicking ass and exciting things are going on with them. Today happens to be my 12 yr Engagement Anniversary so today is about PURE LOVE! No time and no need for the anger and sorrow! I feel free and I feel good. I will cap this day off by going out to do a little Christmas shopping because buying things for my kids and making them smile is my favorite thing in the world! Yall have a great week!! Happy Halloween!

Surviving...One Day At A Time

If I have you on FB, you've probably read my story about domestic violence, how it affected me and shaped me into who I am today. I'll post what I wrote...

"About to get personal but this is so the silent ones can know that they are NOT ALONE:

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Not a lot know but I am a SURVIVOR. I endured a very abusive relationship in my first marriage. It went on for over 10 years, through 3 pregnancies. I was 20 yrs old when I met him. It got worse as the years went on. It started with a smack across my face and progressed into black eyes, constant bruises, a broken collar bone, getting beat when I was pregnant (all 3 times), being woken up and yanked out of bed by my hair, threats, terrorizing, being hit WHILE I had my babies in my arms, etc. I stayed because I felt like I had no other option. It was easier to stay in a "comfortable" situation then to leave and start over with 3 babies and nothing. I made excuses, I even lied under oath for him. So I took all the abuse, It happened every and any where, in a back room during family get togethers, in front of "friends", it didnt matter. Extreme physical, emotional, mental, verbal...I stayed calm so my babies wouldnt freak out. I just took it and prayed each incident would just get over with. I NEVER fought back because I had to stay calm for my babies. After my youngest was born, my life took a turn and I FINALLY realized that I could NOT raise my daughters in this environment any longer. I WONT DO IT. He was doing another stay in his home aka jail so I stopped taking collect calls, stopped going to visit and I WAS DONE! It took me a LONG time to figure out that it wasnt my fault. That this was NOT what LOVE is. Love is all I was looking for. In my sick mind, I thought because he cared enough to go psycho on me, he loved me. NOT TRUE WHATSOEVER. I thought that I was the ONLY one who knew him, I thought I could save him and change him. He didnt care about me or the 3 kids we created. He would leave us for days on end, no money, no food. I had to depend on family to bring me diapers and milk. I HAD ENOUGH! My mom got me a good job with the State of Georgia and my life took a turn. I struggled for a few years but I wasnt getting hit on a daily basis so that was HUGE. I finally divorced him while he was in jail and that was the end of it. He has NO part in MY kids' lives. By HIS choice. I never badmouthed or tried to make the kids hate him bcos I KNEW when they were old enough, his actions would tell them all they needed to know. I was right. Fast forward to now....

I have a man who adores me, who TRULY loves me, TRULY loves my girls as his own and has raised them as his own. He has shown me what real love is about. Has NEVER laid a hand on me or been aggressive in ANY WAY! Ive also learned that I will NEVER let anyone control me EVER AGAIN. Going through that time in my life was a night mare, but I came out STRONGER, TOUGHER, MORE ASSERTIVE AND MORE APPRECIATIVE OF WHAT IS REAL. My daughters are STRONG, CONFIDENT, INDEPENDENT, ALPHA PERSONALITIES, PROUD and I KNOW they will NEVER take ANY TYPE of abuse from a man in ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. They know what REAL LOVE is, they know what RESPECT is and they will NOT settle for less. Im SO PROUD of how they have turned out. Their lives, this outcome was the most important thing to me. I can say today that I AM A SURVIVOR. Those going through this, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There IS a better life for you! When all hope is gone, when you cant see a light at the end of the tunnel, Im here to tell you that there IS ONE...SHINING BRIGHT! Im here for ANYONE that needs to talk, vent, share their story. I promise you, I CAN relate and there IS A WAY OUT! I know this is long, I know its personal but I want people to be AWARE...not because its DV Awareness Month...but because we are ALL human, we ALL have our stories and THIS one is mine to share! Thank God, the outcome is AMAZING. Not all are. I dont want props, I dont want pity, I just wanted to share this because if it helps ONE person, that is validation for me. I did what I had to do and made it out alive and stronger than ever. You can too! 

Sorry this is so lengthy but this is REAL, its an epidemic and its needs to STOP! NO ONE DESERVES THIS."

This is just part of my story so I wanted to elaborate. Going through this was literally the most difficult time in my life. You would think that once youre out of a situation like this, you are all better. NOPE! There is still fear, insecurity, feeling unworthy, etc. To this day, I still suffer from the effects. Some of it good, a lot of it bad.

People tell me all the time how strong I am, how assertive I am, how tough I am. I honestly feel like I have no other choice but to live that way. However, it also has its downfalls. I am a bitch, I am almost unemotional in situations. I dont let anyone have power over my feelings. But inside, I know I struggle with myself. Every day. You could say I have some PTSD from this but I dont like to look at it like that. I am a survivor. My babies counted on me and I did what I had to do to make sure they were raised right. 

Domestic Violence comes in so many forms.  What I suffered through, I find myself dishing it out. I can be verbally abusive, emotionally abusive and mentally abusive. Its wrong. I have no excuse for it and I wont make any. When I feel wronged or I feel threatened, words are my ammunition. I need to learn to find a better way, as hard as it is. I think its that fear of being controlled. That fear of letting someone have power over my feelings or allowing someone to make me feel a certain way. Not gonna happen. In my 46 yrs, I am nowhere NEAR perfect. I dont have all the answers. I know the right way to handle things but executing that is harder than you think. 

When I hear about DV situations, its sickens me. When people I know are going through it, I feel their pain. I was too much of a coward to leave my situation but today, I tell these women to get the hell out any way you can. One slap leads to worse. Being called a bitch every day leads to being slapped. Once a certain behavior is allowed, it continues. Regardless of promises that it will stop. Your well being, the well being of your children has to be priority. Turn to loved ones, turn to advocates, turn to shelters. It may seem hopeless but its not and I PROMISE...down the road, you will come out stronger and wiser. 

As I write this, one incident comes to mind. My ex and I were living on a friend's property. I was pregnant with my 3rd daughter. I cant remember what started it but I came out of it with a goose egg on my forehead the size of a golf ball...literally. I think he head butted me but its vague. I went to our friend's main house. I was convinced to call the police. If I recall, my ex had just come off a drug binge so he was crashed out at our place. I sat up on the hill at their house and watched the police come and take him out in handcuffs. Why did my heart sink? Why did I instantly regret what I did? Why did I feel sorry for him? I'm the one who is injured because of him. But I was devastated. I was to blame and all the bullshit from the result of this arrest was my fault. I cant remember what happened after that but he was "out" when our daughter was born so nothing came of it, Most likely, I dropped charges, as usual. 
These feelings of responsibility and guilt were all too often. Always wondering how I couldve avoided this shit from happening. Truth be told, I couldnt. Still, after years of the abuse and bullshit...the "love" I had for him, the loyalty...it was everything. If he could just understand and see that he was my world, he would stop beating me, stop leaving us for drugs and whores and we could finally be a family again. How SICK does a person have to be to think like that?! I was THAT sick!! It took MANY years to figure out that he would never change. That it wasnt my fault and that my life and my babies could not go through this anymore. 

When I finally left, it was hard but I had 3 lives dependent on me so I had to keep moving on. I felt free, empowered and ready to make a life for me and my girls. Thats exactly what I did. I had help from family but I was doing it. There was drama during this time obviously but I knew I wasnt going back to that bullshit. Ive seen him a few times and it just made me even more grateful for getting out when I did. He chose his life path which was to stay in trouble with the law, etc. His life has been one incarceration after another. I always kept tabs on where he was for peace of mind.

Today in 2017, he is in prison. Again. About 4 years ago, we were at a point that we could actually talk on the phone...or more like him cutting me off with every word I said. It was awkward because when I would call the girls' Nana (we have always stayed close), he would answer the phone. It usually turned into yelling matches with me attempting to let him know that Im not the same person  I was back then and he was NOT going to talk to me the way he was accustomed. It usually ended with me hanging up on him. Well I had a moment and I sent him $20 when he was locked up. He needed reading glasses or something. I had to do that through a website.Well a few months ago, I got an email from him. I was SHOOK! I didnt realize that the website kept me in that system so thats how he reached me. The first 3 weeks was ridiculous. It was a back and forth argument. His sister told me that he and I are very volatile together and that could not be more true. Him having this arrogant attitude and me trying to drill into his head what he has done to me...and the girls. For the FIRST time, I had the chance to get out everything Ive ever wanted to say to him for the last 15 years...WITH NO INTERRUPTION! Fuck yea I was gonna take advantage of it! So I went off! Told him what he did, how he fucked up, how he made us feel, the long term effects its had on us, etc. I let it ALL out and it felt damn good! I even told him to fuck off a few times and called him a piece of shit which felt awesome..I could finally say those things to him without getting hit or without any fear. When he is sober, when his mind is "clear", he can think straight and feel some kind of emotion. I took that for everything it was worth. After so many back and forth emails, he apologized. I think it was sincere but it was more likely sincere because he was clean and sober and couldnt get fucked up to drown out his guilt. He finally acknowledged the things he had done to us. For now. Then it turned into him asking me to do this for him, call that person, etc. Nope. Im not his messenger and Im not gonna relay messages to people for him. I was nice and sent him pictures of the girls. Partly so he could see how amazing and beautiful they turned out with no help or influence from him. I was in a few of the pics. Well now came the load of crap....."You are the love of my life" "Youre the reason it never worked out with any other woman" "No one could ever compare to you" "I still love you" "I regret what Ive done every minute of every day" I QUICKLY shut that shit down. I told him he cant tell me he loves me. Im married and its disrespectful. Then came the asking of pics of me, how beautiful I am, how I brighten his days, etc. Umm NOPE again! I told him Im not sending any more pics with me in it. Only the girls. Im not his anything anymore so it just wasnt happening. 

While its weird that we communicate, the girls dont get it...not many would. I know without a doubt that when he gets out, I wont hear from him and he will go back to whatever he does which is get into trouble again. I dont want to contact him then. He will never know my address. I email him now just because. I feel good that I got everything out to him that was stuffed down for so long. I cant say that I forgive him fully but I can be civil. Idk if its the fact that we created 3 lives together or what. I dont consider him in my life. I dont consider him in the girls lives. Im just updating him on how they are doing. Maybe somewhere deep down I have some sort of pity for him but I think that could go along with my sickness of having Battered Womans Syndrome. Who knows. The fact that we communicate on occasion doesnt affect me anymore. I know I will never let him in my life physically, emotionally or mentally. I also will never forget the HELL he put me through. So I have a clear mind and a clear train of thought with all of this. 

It the end, its about my healing. The lessons I learned. The experiences I went through and came out of. Hating takes a lot of energy and as I get older, its just not worth it. The girls are all adults now and as always, IF they choose to contact him at some point, that is their decision. Sean and I will support them and have their back in any decision they make. My ex knows how they feel about him. I didnt mince any words at all. He needs to realize the anger and hate they have towards him and why. If they want to cuss him out, they have every right to. Its totally their choice to deal with this however they choose to, when ever they choose, if at all. They know they have us and other family that will stand behind them and protect them. 

In hindsight, I was with this abuser from the time I was 20 until I was 29 physically and of course, in and out until I was in my early 30s. That was almost 30 yrs ago. WOW! Forgiveness is not an easy thing. Im not there. I dont think I ever will but for me, I got some closure that was needed. That is good enough for me, at this time. Knowing he will never affect my current life, knowing that no man will ever lay a hand on me or control me or make me feel worthless again is enough for me. My babies are amazing young women. I am no longer a victim. I am a survivor and I rose above this time in my life and I feel stronger than ever as far as this is concerned. 

If you are living in this black hole of despair, pain and desperation...you can find your way out and see sunshine again. Ive been there, a lot of women have...it takes a lot of hard work but its attainable. I PROMISE! Reach out to friends, loved ones, even strangers...shelters, churches, advocates, organizations..if you need help, contact me, I will do whatever I can and try to point you in the right direction. The feelings that victims have of hopelessness are all too real. Ive been there and its a dark place. Thank God I got out of my situation and was able to overcome a lot of it. Just reach out...if youre living in a situation like this, what do you have to lose? Nothing...but you have EVERYTHING TO GAIN!


Here are some helpful links:

National Domestic Violence Hotline

DV Shelters In Your Area

Hotline And Shelter Information

Victims Advocates

The Frustration is REAL

...At least this is what I keep telling myself.....

Im fucking aggravated and its taking all I have to really keep this in perspective.

My husband has been home for just over 70 days since October 2015. When he chose this contracting job, I supported it 100%. The Soldier in him missed this kind of work and I knew that I could handle deployments. At the time he left for Iraq in 2015, we were both ready for him to go. We were at each other's throats. Sleeping in separate bedrooms. His presence annoyed the hell out of me. He had been home for a good 9 mths (minus 7 weeks of job training in NC) EVERY DAY, ALL DAY LONG. We were barely speaking. Just waiting and waiting for that phone call for him to deploy. The call finally came on a Friday morning. He was leaving 24 hours later. There is no time to actually let this sink in so off he went to spend over $1000 on things he would need to leave the next morning. When I took him to the airport, it was honestly awkward. We hadnt been intimate in quite some time. Not even a hug. But even though our pride was HUGE, I said fuck it..he's leaving and he is my husband. I gave him a quick kiss and hug goodbye. Told him to call me when he could and he was off.

The rotation is SUPPOSED to be 105 days deployed, 35 home with 5 days of requal in NC. During those 40 days stateside, he doesnt get paid. SO needless to say, we havent gotten to experience the short deployments. He's extended so we could save enough money to live and pay bills while he was home.

As you can see, we were ready for some distance between us. Our "see ya soon" at the airport 

He was gone for 7 mths the first time. He missed Thanksgiving, Christmas and everything after. He came home the day after Mother's Day. Days before our daughter was getting married. That month was INSANE! She got married. He and I went to San Antonio for the weekend. We all went to Houston to see our other daughter for a few days. We bought a brand new car, as he promised he would. He bought me an early 10th anniversary gift since he would be gone for it. A 2 ct diamond anniversary band...Im obsessed with it! His brother came to visit from Maine for a week. Our now son in law left to go to Basic Training for the Army. Life was hectic and crazy and barely had time to breathe, much less really enjoy each other like we should have. It was great having him home. Him being gone had brought us closer in a way and made us realize alot about our marriage and how we wanted it to be. When things are taken away from you, it tends to make you appreciate them more. In this case, my husband...his wife. The day after Father's Day, it was time for him to go to NC to requal and then back to Iraq. It was kind of a tease for him to be stateside for another week but not at home. During the time he was gone, we video chatted every day via Skype or FB messenger video and then he got an iPad so texting and FaceTiming was our thing.

Christmas 2015 "Family" pic

  

May 9 2016, Welcome Home

May 14 2016, parents of the bride...he is still jetlagged

San Antonio, a weekend getaway for us

This next deployment again lasted 7 mths. During this time, our youngest started her Junior year of high school. My son in law graduated Basic Training. Graduated AIT and made it home for Thanksgiving. After that, they moved to their first duty station in El Paso. Yay for being in the same state but seeing that Texas is fucking huge, it was still an 8 hour drive. So off they went to really begin married life. Christmas came and went. All 3 girls came home to spend it with me. For the 2nd Christmas in a row, he spent it with us via Facetime. He watched the kids open their gifts on a screen. This has happened a few times actually. I guess you could say I was used to this and I had my kids and I was happy. Sadly, in December, I lost a very good friend of mine so I took an unplanned quick trip to Oregon for his funeral. I was able to reunite with a few guys that I hadnt seen in years. They were all in Sean's unit and they are like brothers to me. Matt was one of Sean's Soldiers in 2004-5 and I knew him before I knew my husband.

Reunion after 10 yrs, my bros

We Love You, Matty

The 3 Amigos, RIP Matty!

Our Christmas 2016 "Family" pic

We were getting excited because he was coming home in January. A lot had happened the 7 mths be was gone, things between us were great and we couldnt wait for him to be home.

Welcome Home #2

We decided to take it easy this leave. Last time, things were so hectic, he just wanted to relax. We DID decide to drive to El Paso to see the kids for a week. It was an amazing time and it was the first time any of my children hosted me in THEIR home.

El Paso with the kids, went to White Sands NM 

The next week, Bay came home for an ortho appt so we took a family day trip up Dallas, where Brit was for her job training. Our favorite thing in the world is to have all the girls together at one time because with them grown and moved out, it happens very rarely. We had an amazing day with all 3 kids. Went shopping, ice skating and just had some wonderful FULL family time.

First FULL family pic in a long time

Very sadly, 2 weeks after Sean came home, we had to unexpectedly put one of our dogs down.Sean is obsessed with our dogs. He loves them like they were his sons. Sometimes I think he loves them more than us. Of course that isnt true but you know how men and their dogs are. Well, that was the most devastating thing to ever happen. Patches was so special to him. I have NEVER seen my 6'4 230 lb husband lose it like that, EVER! Not when my mother passed, not when his friends were KIA, not when his own grandmother passed. My emotionless husband totally let it all out. Watching him sob and sob literally broke my heart. I stayed strong for him and I took care of all of the details. We went up to say our goodbyes and that was all he could handle. I made the arrangements for his urn, etc and picked him up and brought him home to us. I was so shocked to see my husband like this but it also was good that he could let go like that to me. I did my best to comfort him and reassure him that it was for the best. Patchy had Stage 4 kidney failure.

Our Patches 

Patchy, Max and Brady

We got to celebrate Sean's birthday while he was home but he had to leave the next day. That leave went by QUICK! By the time we got adjusted to each other again, it was time to go. So at 7am the next morning, I dropped him off at the airport to go to NC to requal. It was hard for me because I can honestly say I didnt want him to leave. I loved having him home. This time, we really got to a place we needed to be with each other. 
That was February. We had talked a little about buying a house finally. We were tired of renting. In March, I literally looked at a house in our neighborhood. It was bigger than what we wanted but the price was unreal so 3 days later, we were in escrow. By April 19, we were official homeowners. Yes, I purchased a home by myself via his Power Of Attorney and I moved in all by myself. Luckily the move was literally around the corner. It happened FAST! Its a huge house, too big for just Brandy and I but I will have grandchildren one day and it has plenty of room for that and for when my kids come home to visit. Mind you, Sean had only seen this home in pictures and Facetime. Talk about total trust in your spouse! I was shocked because I actually did this by myself. I felt really accomplished. This was HUGE!

Officially homeowners!

Here it is, September. He's been gone for 7 months already. I dont know when he will be home next. His company is being stupid so everything is in the air. Since he has been gone this time, not only did I move into a new home, our youngest started her Senior year in high school and everything else in between. Im now at a complacent, irritated place in my life. I dont go out. Its me and the dogs. Thank God I have them to talk to and take care of or else I would literally go insane. Brandy has school, work and football (shes a filmer) so she is busy as hell and is gone all the time. People say find a hobby. Honestly, I dont fucking want to. The house needs a lot done to it, I still havent unpacked a lot. Nothing is on my walls, Im waiting for him to do it when he gets home. I find myself pissed off more than anything. I miss having a companion. I miss having my other half here. I miss the intimacy...everything you can think of having to do with a marriage, I miss. Could he quit this job? Yup! But we would be fucked. He makes an EXTREME amount of money that has allowed us to have a lifestyle we want. Also, with bonuses in tact for now and the fact that him extending longer could make the difference between 1000s of dollars, its something we have to live with. In his mind, taking care of our family is priority number 1. I have to be very thankful for that and I definitely am.

He just sprung this on me the other day. Him extending longer. We expected him home for Christmas for the first time in 3 yrs. I dont think that is happening. My struggle, is him being away so much and making all this money worth it?? I have NO FUCKING IDEA. All I DO know is this is what has to happen right now. Not only do we have bills to pay, we now have a mortgage, trying to pay off credit cards, Christmas for the kids, home improvements we want to do now we finally own a home. Life doesnt give a fuck that Im lonely, withdrawn or pissed off more than half the time. Life doesnt give a fuck what is going on with me...so I just have to keep waking up each day to my boring life and fucking LIVE. Thankfully, I have people in my life that understand empathize with me, understand and allow me to have my moments. They also remind me of my strength. They remind me that I can do this, no matter how bad I want to say FUCK IT. I wake up every day, the same thing..its so monotonous but in reality, its what I make of it. I choose to be this way. Sometimes I feel like Wonder Woman and other times I feel like a lazy, piece of shit.

During our FT call last night, I asked him flat out

"Why are we married?

His response

"Because we love each other and do what needs to be done together to make it in life"

Well, that is pretty self explanatory, right? So in that moment, he saw the frustration in my eyes, heard it in my voice. So instead of feeding into it, he took the reigns and said 

"Look, I know this sucks, I want to be home just as bad as you want me home but this is what we have to do right now"

Hes completely correct. I needed him to be strong right then, not coddling. I guess it doesnt help that my hormones are all fucked this week but he knew that too lol I know he feels guilty but he also knows he is doing his part to take care of our family. I cant really be mad at that. So here I sit, typing out my feelings, hoping to find some sort of peace or resolution to the mixed feelings Im having from all of this. Sacrifice. Its what we do. Its what he does and what he's always done. I will suck it up and deal with whatever comes our way. I know all about never making plans. I know about this deployed life. We had a choice as civilians to make deployments our life and again and together, we did just that. THIS WONT LAST FOREVER. It better not! We will have our time where he is stateside and we can finally live our kid free marriage like we want. Go on trips, enjoy each other, etc. Its just a matter of time...time just needs to hurry up a bit.

THIS IS THE LIFE WE CHOSE SO EMBRACE THE SUCK AND KEEP ON KEEPING ON.

How I Do It..

Quick background...I am 46, my husband is deployed as a civilian contractor. He has been home for 70 days since October 2015. My daughters are 17, 20 and 22...2 of which are living hours and hours away.

I get asked ALL THE TIME "How do you do it?" How do I survive with my other half across the world. Well, I JUST DO. I have been with my husband for almost 13 yrs, married for 11. I lived the "Army" life for 10 yrs. I suppose you could say that I'm used to this. I'd rather not but honestly, it's the truth. I met my husband a month before he deployed to Iraq for 12 months. We decided to make a go of this to see if we could make it through something so trying. I'm happy to say that we are obviously making it, but not without a lot of bumps in the road. But the end result is what counts, right? I guess you could say that this is the life I'm used to. It's the life that our relationship has been molded by. While it has it's trying times, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

He got out of the Army in February of 2015. Thankfully, he was hired for an overseas contracting job that he applied for and really wanted badly. Being a Soldier, he missed being "over there". Not to mention, the pay was outstanding. I understood and trust me, by the time he finally deployed with this new job, I was ready to have him gone. He had been home EVERY DAY, ALL DAY for 8 months. 

The first deployment was fine. He was gone 7 mths. It actually brought us back together. Realizations hit both of us and we were in a place in our marriage that we needed to be. We are fortunate enough that we get to FaceTime every night so that definitely made it easier. When he came home for his 35 day leave, it was insane. Our middle daughter got married 3 days after (that's another blog for another time. Her now-husband was joining the Army) he came home. It was one thing after another and it was go go go. Before we knew it, it was time for him to go back.

Second deployment was 7 mths, as well. That was a little easier. We knew how it went and just went on with our life. I was excited because he was able to be home for his birthday. This leave was sad because we unexpectedly had to put one of our dogs down. It shattered Sean because he is IN LOVE with our dogs. It affected him horribly. But we made it through that. Then it was time for him to go back....again. This time, I didn't want him to go but this is the life WE CHOSE so we had no choice.

Here I am today...he has been gone since February. We are hoping to have him home in December. The first Christmas he will be home for in 3 years. At this time, we just don't know yet.

Ive had so much time to reflect and think about my life and where it's been and where it's going but I literally draw a blank. Its different now. I don't have small kids to keep me occupied while he's gone. I don't have a huge group of friends to keep me busy (this is my choice, learned alot through the years regarding friends). My youngest is 17, a Senior in high school and works all the time. It's literally my 2 dogs and myself in this huge house that I actually purchased and moved into since he's been gone. He hasn't even seen it except for FaceTime. I am home ALL the time except to go run normal errands. I choose not to hang out with people I know for many reasons. I don't like drama. I am tired of being a 3rd and 5th wheel and I just find that if I'm alone, in my bubble, I won't have to deal with anything or anyone. My girls may be grown but their lives are still a huge part of mine on a daily basis. Its just different though. I'd almost say its a mild depression. After all this time, I'm ready to have my companion home, my other half. He is ready too. However, WE CHOSE this and these are some sacrifices we've made so our family can live the way we want to. 

It's been 7 mths and I can tell you that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I have moments of frustration...moments of "FUCK THIS SHIT"...moments of  "I HATE MY LIFE".  I tell everyone I talk to that "I literally have no life". Yes, that is my choice.

So...THIS is how I deal.....

I suck it the fuck up and I move on. I suppose you can say I learned this from being an Army wife.  I let myself have these moments and then it's done. I know I can handle this. I know that whatever I do or dont do is a choice that I make. Missing him is normal, missing living like a normal married couple is normal. Nothing I am feeling will change this situation so to me, it's pointless to sit here and dwell in my self pity and sadness....and anger. That's the way I roll. I dont sit in my shit and I dont allow my girls or people I love to do this either. Yes, feel emotions. Then SUCK IT THE FUCK UP and move on. Find resolutions. Find ways to make things the way YOU want. Life isnt always what you want but you must make the most of what youre given. Totally cliche' but its the truth. I know this deployment life wont last forever. I know I have forever to go with my husband. So I sit back and reflect on our life together and its pretty fucking amazing. This distance sucks but it has made us appreciate each other 10000 times more than we ever have. He is still a daily part of the girls lives. He is still a daily part of OUR WORLD even from across the globe. THIS IS OUR LIFE. It may not all be roses, but Ive learned to appreciate each small part for what it is. It takes a strong person to do this, alone...but that is who I am. I handle shit. I take care of everything and everyone around me. Its who I am and I wouldnt want it any other way. If you are struggling, you CAN do this. Its a state of mind. You have to train your mind and your heart to believe that you can get through the hard times. 

If I know you, none of this is a surprise. If I dont, this is just an introductory post somewhat. Dont worry, it gets more and more interesting lol I have nothing but time on my hands and trust me, I have LOTS to say. Thanks for reading and hopefully, it wasnt too boring ;)

Until next time....