Loneliness Is Addictive

I am alone 90% of the time. My husband has been home for just under 4 mths in the last 3 years. My 2 older kids dont live at home and my youngest who is 18 has her own life...work, friends, school, etc. Most of the time, Im perfectly fine by myself. However, Ive realized that Ive grown accustomed to being alone, you could say addicted in a way. 

I dont work, by choice. I have all the time in the world. I could go out and be social at any given time. I could even get a job. I have no kids to watch, no real parent responsibilities anymore. However, I CHOOSE not to do those things. Im a loner. I literally leave my house once or twice a week to go to the store and run errands. My days consist of cleaning, taking care of my dogs..and staying in my head and thoughts constantly. Since Brandy is still home and I now have Bailey here for a bit, there is more to do and more interaction and chaos. Good chaos but nonetheless, chaos. Ive found myself getting annoyed by it. Of course Im happy my kids are here, but when the house is empty, like now, I just feel more calm and content. 

Being alone has become addictive for me. When I have to go out, I spend over an hour getting ready. If only, so people who see me in public wont look at me and think I dont have my shit together. So they wont see the truth, which is that I have no life. Sadly, I chose this but Im content like this.  I have no desire to have any social interaction with anyone. I have no desire to go out and do spontaneous stuff. I literally prefer staying home in my sweats all day, every day and watching my TV shows that I have scheduled each night of the week. I have an overflowing closet of clothes and shoes that I never wear. They are there "just in case". How stupid is that? I could sell my purse collection for a fortune but I need to keep them all "just in case". I DONT GO ANYWHERE! This is NOT who I used to be.

I used to be the "hostess with the mostest" when the kids were younger. In our early and middle days in the Army. I had get togethers ALL the time. Went out to dinner ALL the time with friends. Threw parties and had tons of people over. I was a total social butterfly. When we lived in Georgia, there wasnt a weekend that went by that I wasnt out with a group of friends. Our entire families. Having dinner, hanging out, having a fabulous time. In Louisiana, it was a repeat of that. We had friends from Georgia there so it was always a great time full of friends that are family to us. When I got to Texas, I had a best friend here and when she PCSed, I just shut down. I do have friends here that Ive met. I have opportunities to hang out with people. I get invites all the time. I just dont go. When Sean started deploying with this job, it took some getting used to again. Now it takes getting used to having him home for just over a month at a time. I have my days where Im sick of doing life alone. The deployments are wearing me down. Im married but Im alone. Sometimes I feel guilty for "enjoying" my life by myself. I get anxiety when he comes home. I get anxiety at the thought of socializing. When these things happen, I absolutely love it. I have a great time and I remember why I love entertaining company. Its just not my go-to persona anymore. Why am I so content and ok with no interaction with people? Why am I so ok with not leaving my house? 

It could be that Im getting older. It could be that I just feel like I cant invest in anyone anymore. This is just who I am today. I dont necessarily like it but Im content. Part of me feels like I have no purpose. The kids are grown. I raised them and I feel like a failure at parenting adult children. Im pushing 50 yrs old. My husband is 38, Im stupid enough to have insecure thoughts to the point we are fighting over shit that has NEVER been an issue before. He loves me, would never betray or hurt me in any way. So why do I convince myself otherwise to the point I truly believe my thoughts?? Am I forcing myself to be ok with the distance between us? Is it finally getting down to the fact that I really CANT take it anymore? People see me as this strong woman that can handle anything that comes my way. Maybe Im reaching a breaking point. Maybe its perimenopause that is causing my emotions and thoughts to go fucking crazy. Maybe its a mid life crisis. Maybe Im just good at stuffing the real shit inside of me down deep enough to where I can ignore it. Maybe being alone has me going literally insane. I honestly dont know the answers. I know what I should do and think, but I block all of that. Who knows, maybe Im comfortable being an insecure, aging, paranoid loner. Is it depression? Could be.

I have a good life. I have great friends. I am just clueless on how to incorporate these things into my happiness. I dont want to reach out to anyone. I dont want to be the needy friend. I always have my shit together...or do I? Not saying Im fake in any way...just saying Im not one to burden people with my issues and problems. Instead, I make myself available to anyone at any time. Seeing people I love struggle is the WORST for me. I want to feel needed yet I dont want to need anyone. Make sense? Not to me either. 

I guess being alone so much has forced me to take a look at myself. Half the time, Im not ok with who I see. The other half is bulletproof and can handle anything and everything that comes my way. My best friends are hundreds of miles away. They have their own lives, their own family and their own things they are going through. Deployments are not easy. I got this, right? Its what we have to do at this point in time. I can deal with this life. Ive been doing it for almost 14 years. Times change. The kids got older. Our bills doubled. Life moves on. This is how I convince myself that I got this in the bag. Today, I dont.

Not only that...this rotation, Sean's job is somewhat dangerous. So I have that to think about too. There is alot happening with Graduation coming fast, Sean will be home in a month, my family bullshit that still weighs heavily on my mind, Mom's Angelversary...etc. Im more content with nothing on the calendar, nothing going on and nothing to think about. Thats just not how life is, though. This Mercury retrograde has life all fucked up for me but hopefully, this too, shall pass...QUICKLY. Im really off lately, Im stressed and Im about to lose my shit daily...but I have to believe that life will calm down soon. I have to believe that its going to be ok....only because I dont know how it could get worse right now. 

Saturday night... Bailey is back in El Paso until Friday. Bran is out with her friends so its just me and the dogs. Im going to watch Greatest Showman for the second time today and 6th time total. That movie makes me feel good for some reason so I love it! Godwilling, getting this out can help me wake up tomorrow with a different mindset. As content as I am being alone, my mindset isnt where its supposed to be. Im going to pray tonight to give me some answers that I definitely need. When shit's out of whack...my family suffers and they dont deserve it.

Just like any addiction, if it gets out of control and if you give in to the addiction, there are consequences. My addiction to being alone has them too and Im suffering these consequences now. Praying it will subside and I can get it in check. Maybe one day, I will decide to put myself out there and learn to be social again. Time will tell. Until then, my DVR awaits and there are always dishes and laundry to do!! 

Disconnection

This saying could not be more true.....Its happened to my marriage many times in the 13 years we've been together.

At this moment, the disconnection between us is REAL. I want to blame the deployment, I want to blame him. The bad thing is I DO blame him TO him. 

My husband isnt the most romantic, most mature man. I will blame his parents and the way he was raised and I will blame the Army and the fact that he was Infantry for 14 yrs. If you dont know, Infantry Soldiers aka Grunts are not known for their maturity levels...of course they arent stupid but if you know military people, you know they are foul, smartass, gross and immature as hell lol Its the just way they are. Ive fully accepted that in my husband. I will admit, he is freakin hilarious. His friends are great and funny as hell too. Here is where it gets hard for me...

I am 8.5 yrs older than him. As our marriage grew, as we grew..I feel like we grew in different ways. I had a lot of realizations as I entered my 40s. Hes not even 40 yrs old yet and then throw in the Grunt mentality..Lord help me.

As the years went on, we had major struggles and I literally had to tell him where I was at and how I needed him to be about certain things. It was all driving me crazy! Even to the point I wondered if there was an older man out there and I needed to be with because it seemed like my husband would never grow up.

So today...right before I started this, I hung up on his FT call and texted him

"Dont call me tonight or for a few days. I mean it"

So that is what I do when he annoys me to a point or pisses me off. Is that the right thing to do? Probably not. However, it saved me from screaming my head off and calling him all sorts of names and going postal....because that is what I do when Im pissed the hell off. What makes it worse, he just literally sits there with a blank look on his face with no emotion, no response, NOTHING. That in itself has ALWAYS pissed me off about him. His lack of response has caused major fights between us, while he was home AND deployed. Being deployed now, its different. We dont really get to resolve issues. He isnt here to where I can actually see a change. How it ends up is, he apologizes, I say things wont change and I am aggravated until eventually I see there is no point and it just gets dropped.

MY problem with that, it festers inside and I literally explode on his ass at least once a month. Usually when Im PMSing which he is on top of most of the time. He is very passive, too chill and puts off the feeling that he doesnt give a shit. He RARELY voices it, if he does at all. Hes just not that emotional, mushy, sweet talker kind of man. He was at one point but that was many many years ago. In the "honeymoon phase" of our relationship. 

The thing about his passiveness that is a POSITIVE is that he meshes so well with our girls. They go to him when they want calm advice, calm feedback or want to laugh. Dad is the good cop, Ive always been the bad cop. It works for me because he DOES support me and talks to the girls calmly but tells them exactly what I say in a different tone so they actually listen. So in that way, it works and we even each other out. We have our parental roles and the girls know who to go to for what.

What sucks about deployment disconnection...there is no kissing and making up. There is no comforting hugging or holding. There is obviously no makeup sex. So how the fuck do you resolve problems and work through them being 7600 miles apart for months on end???

In a few days, probably sooner because he is relentless about calling me daily. If I dont answer, or decline his call, he calls any or all of the girls to get me on the phone. Usually my youngest since she's at home with me and she brings her phone to me.I will calmly tell him why I got pissed, what annoys the fuck out of me, etc..he will say he's sorry. I will tell him this shit cant keep happening and he will say he understands and will work on it. Then it will be great for a few weeks until something else comes up. Welcome to my rollercoaster ride.

Stuff that DOESNT cross my mind when things are bad...Divorce. That is not an option. Its almost happened a few times but we both came to the conclusion a long time ago that we are forever. No matter what. There is no one else we would want to be pissed off at than each other, if that makes sense. Now will I make him sleep in the spare room and be a bitch for days on end when hes home? Fuck yes because Ive done it a few times before. But us actually separating and ending our marriage isnt an option. Our marriage may not be 100% jolly and happy but it works for us. Another thing that doesnt come to mind is distractions. No, neither of us are looking for distractions from our problems. There is 150% trust between us and we know without a doubt, its only us for each other. So he continues to work, I continue to be in a shitty mood. Usually very snappy with the kids. They call Dad to tell him to make things better because Mom is being a bitch, etc...

The disconnect is inevitable. We are literally worlds apart. Its figuring out how to deal with it without being destructive. Its about finding a way to communicate to your spouse about what's going on in a way they will listen and understand. So I need this few days to calm down, to realize that I do love him and that this is another thing we will get passed. The girls pretty much ALWAYS side with him which is annoying but also wonderful. I love the relationship he has with them. It has nothing to do with me but that is an entire other blog lol

Marriage is fucking HARD. Put distance in there, its harder! But it CAN be done and it CAN work. Its takes a lot but if youre in it 100%, things will always find a way. Its about having total faith in your partner and in what you share together. Its about knowing that you will grow old with this person. Accepting that neither of us is perfect. No where close. Also, no one else would put up with either of us except us.

Writing this blog has actually calmed me down but being a self righteous bitch in these situations, I probably still wont talk to him if he calls. Let him realize himself what made me angry. Let him think it over. Let me think about stuff. Then we will come together and laugh together and talk about our days, as usual.

LOVE ISN'T PERFECT, IT JUST HAS TO BE PERFECT FOR YOU.

If this is any indication what my husband is like, I just bought him this coffee mug and he LOVED it and was completely thrilled lol