Loneliness Is Addictive

I am alone 90% of the time. My husband has been home for just under 4 mths in the last 3 years. My 2 older kids dont live at home and my youngest who is 18 has her own life...work, friends, school, etc. Most of the time, Im perfectly fine by myself. However, Ive realized that Ive grown accustomed to being alone, you could say addicted in a way. 

I dont work, by choice. I have all the time in the world. I could go out and be social at any given time. I could even get a job. I have no kids to watch, no real parent responsibilities anymore. However, I CHOOSE not to do those things. Im a loner. I literally leave my house once or twice a week to go to the store and run errands. My days consist of cleaning, taking care of my dogs..and staying in my head and thoughts constantly. Since Brandy is still home and I now have Bailey here for a bit, there is more to do and more interaction and chaos. Good chaos but nonetheless, chaos. Ive found myself getting annoyed by it. Of course Im happy my kids are here, but when the house is empty, like now, I just feel more calm and content. 

Being alone has become addictive for me. When I have to go out, I spend over an hour getting ready. If only, so people who see me in public wont look at me and think I dont have my shit together. So they wont see the truth, which is that I have no life. Sadly, I chose this but Im content like this.  I have no desire to have any social interaction with anyone. I have no desire to go out and do spontaneous stuff. I literally prefer staying home in my sweats all day, every day and watching my TV shows that I have scheduled each night of the week. I have an overflowing closet of clothes and shoes that I never wear. They are there "just in case". How stupid is that? I could sell my purse collection for a fortune but I need to keep them all "just in case". I DONT GO ANYWHERE! This is NOT who I used to be.

I used to be the "hostess with the mostest" when the kids were younger. In our early and middle days in the Army. I had get togethers ALL the time. Went out to dinner ALL the time with friends. Threw parties and had tons of people over. I was a total social butterfly. When we lived in Georgia, there wasnt a weekend that went by that I wasnt out with a group of friends. Our entire families. Having dinner, hanging out, having a fabulous time. In Louisiana, it was a repeat of that. We had friends from Georgia there so it was always a great time full of friends that are family to us. When I got to Texas, I had a best friend here and when she PCSed, I just shut down. I do have friends here that Ive met. I have opportunities to hang out with people. I get invites all the time. I just dont go. When Sean started deploying with this job, it took some getting used to again. Now it takes getting used to having him home for just over a month at a time. I have my days where Im sick of doing life alone. The deployments are wearing me down. Im married but Im alone. Sometimes I feel guilty for "enjoying" my life by myself. I get anxiety when he comes home. I get anxiety at the thought of socializing. When these things happen, I absolutely love it. I have a great time and I remember why I love entertaining company. Its just not my go-to persona anymore. Why am I so content and ok with no interaction with people? Why am I so ok with not leaving my house? 

It could be that Im getting older. It could be that I just feel like I cant invest in anyone anymore. This is just who I am today. I dont necessarily like it but Im content. Part of me feels like I have no purpose. The kids are grown. I raised them and I feel like a failure at parenting adult children. Im pushing 50 yrs old. My husband is 38, Im stupid enough to have insecure thoughts to the point we are fighting over shit that has NEVER been an issue before. He loves me, would never betray or hurt me in any way. So why do I convince myself otherwise to the point I truly believe my thoughts?? Am I forcing myself to be ok with the distance between us? Is it finally getting down to the fact that I really CANT take it anymore? People see me as this strong woman that can handle anything that comes my way. Maybe Im reaching a breaking point. Maybe its perimenopause that is causing my emotions and thoughts to go fucking crazy. Maybe its a mid life crisis. Maybe Im just good at stuffing the real shit inside of me down deep enough to where I can ignore it. Maybe being alone has me going literally insane. I honestly dont know the answers. I know what I should do and think, but I block all of that. Who knows, maybe Im comfortable being an insecure, aging, paranoid loner. Is it depression? Could be.

I have a good life. I have great friends. I am just clueless on how to incorporate these things into my happiness. I dont want to reach out to anyone. I dont want to be the needy friend. I always have my shit together...or do I? Not saying Im fake in any way...just saying Im not one to burden people with my issues and problems. Instead, I make myself available to anyone at any time. Seeing people I love struggle is the WORST for me. I want to feel needed yet I dont want to need anyone. Make sense? Not to me either. 

I guess being alone so much has forced me to take a look at myself. Half the time, Im not ok with who I see. The other half is bulletproof and can handle anything and everything that comes my way. My best friends are hundreds of miles away. They have their own lives, their own family and their own things they are going through. Deployments are not easy. I got this, right? Its what we have to do at this point in time. I can deal with this life. Ive been doing it for almost 14 years. Times change. The kids got older. Our bills doubled. Life moves on. This is how I convince myself that I got this in the bag. Today, I dont.

Not only that...this rotation, Sean's job is somewhat dangerous. So I have that to think about too. There is alot happening with Graduation coming fast, Sean will be home in a month, my family bullshit that still weighs heavily on my mind, Mom's Angelversary...etc. Im more content with nothing on the calendar, nothing going on and nothing to think about. Thats just not how life is, though. This Mercury retrograde has life all fucked up for me but hopefully, this too, shall pass...QUICKLY. Im really off lately, Im stressed and Im about to lose my shit daily...but I have to believe that life will calm down soon. I have to believe that its going to be ok....only because I dont know how it could get worse right now. 

Saturday night... Bailey is back in El Paso until Friday. Bran is out with her friends so its just me and the dogs. Im going to watch Greatest Showman for the second time today and 6th time total. That movie makes me feel good for some reason so I love it! Godwilling, getting this out can help me wake up tomorrow with a different mindset. As content as I am being alone, my mindset isnt where its supposed to be. Im going to pray tonight to give me some answers that I definitely need. When shit's out of whack...my family suffers and they dont deserve it.

Just like any addiction, if it gets out of control and if you give in to the addiction, there are consequences. My addiction to being alone has them too and Im suffering these consequences now. Praying it will subside and I can get it in check. Maybe one day, I will decide to put myself out there and learn to be social again. Time will tell. Until then, my DVR awaits and there are always dishes and laundry to do!! 

I'm A Walking Double Standard Hypocrite

Yup, that's me and for the FIRST time, I can own that shit!

Like most people, I can give advice...GREAT advice...but in my own world, I dont apply it. I dont even have an answer as to why that is. Maybe its because everyone else's problems matter more than mine in my eyes. It could be because I dont "off" my shit on other people. I dont like burdening others with my problems, feelings, issues, etc. No one cares about what Im going through. No one gives a shit about my daily struggles. No one cares about my emotional or mental well being. What matters to me is that everyone I am surrounded by or stay in touch with is doing ok. That they are happy, content and living life to their fullest potential. People come to ME, no way in hell do I reach out. Yet, I preach that problems cant be solved alone. I preach for my friends to reach out for help. I tell my friends "we will get through this together" or "I will carry you until youre strong enough to carry yourself" or "Im there for you at any time or place"..."You are not alone"...

So why in the hell does this not apply to myself?! Why cant I let people in to help me? Because I dont feel like Im worth the trouble. I can handle my shit on my own and I dont need anyone's help or guidance. I dont feel like my problems or anything Im going through is important. Everyone else comes before me. I think I learned this from my mother. Being selfless, caring and nurturing. While those are wonderful traits to have, Ive realized that it can also bite me in the ass...HARD! Whether its putting myself in a position to get taken advantage of, whether its allowing people to suck the life out of me, making it so I feel like I just dont matter to anyone. The worst thing about this is, Im totally fine with that. Like how fucked up is that???

So yesterday was a SHITTY DAY! Like it was absolutely terrible. I gave no fucks. I just didnt care. I was more than willing to go through whatever it was alone. I was not willing to put anymore effort into making things better. I dont like to say I gave up but that is exactly what I did. I was DONE! It would pass and Id be fine eventually. In reality, Id been feeling negative for a while now. How did I deal? I snapped at my kids. I snapped at my husband. I turned dumb shit into huge issues and let that fester into resentment. I used all the minor bullshit to allow me to unleash all my anger towards life onto him. I also engulfed myself in other things. Other people. Distractions. I can say now that as devastating as it is, I let the natural disasters around the world affect me in a way that it redirected my sadness about my own life to others. I cried for days about Hurricane Harvey and the devastation. Of course, it was horrible. Of course it was worrisome. But in hindsight, to let it affect me as bad a it did...ummm no. In a way, I subconsciously used that as an outlet.

I posted a blog yesterday of quotes which pretty much explained how I was feeling. The lazy way of expressing myself. Well, a very close friend, I can definitely say she is a best friend of mine, called me. Literally at the height of my IDGAF state of mind. I was so irate, I was currently arguing with my husband over text messages and there she was, her FT call came through. Talk about unleashing the gates of hell. I fucking raged! I was so fucking angry at my husband. I vented to her, I let a lot of it out. I didnt ask for her to hear me out, it just happened. Looking at her as I did this, I could see that she was in shock. She has seen me pissed off but never irate like this and I could see she literally didnt know what to say or do. Im the one who has it together. Im the one who comes up with solutions. She is the emotional one. She is the one that I build up when shes upset. We've been friends since about since 2007-2008. She has seen me go through some shit..in my life, in my relationship, you name it. Shes always been supportive. We have definitely been through a lot together. After we hung up yesterday, I was still off. Very off. That evening, her boyfriend texted me. As it turns out, her boyfriend is a battle buddy of Sean's and one of his few best friends. N and J have been together for over 2 years and yes, I take credit for them meeting, TOTALLY lol J and I have obviously been friends for a very long time. He and Sean are brothers but he and I have also formed a friendship of our own through the years. Its even been said that he and I talk more than him and Sean. To us, totally normal. Im a chick so Im here to talk real shit with him. Sean and J are dudes so when they talk, its about dude stuff, stupid shit, Army days....regular guy stuff but to them, that is what makes them KNOW how close they were. Besides youre not going to see dudes talk to each other about feeling, relationships, etc. J and Sean are guy's guys. Demented, twisted, smartass, straight up brothers. 

Back to his text....

"Alright Hooker, N tells me yall are back to square one. Spill the beans"

Of course I didnt mind that N told J about Sean and I. I expected it. They both love us and they want us ok. Ive talked to them both through the years when Sean and I have had problems before. I even flew J out to visit a couple years ago to snap some reality into Sean. That didnt happen but nonetheless, the visit was great, much needed and the surprise made it totally worth it. It had been 10 yrs since they saw each other. I have been there for J and N through problems in their relationship. Its good when a person knows both people well enough that they can be neutral and 100% honest about shit. Thats how we are with each other. No bullshit, no sugarcoating, no pussy footing...its more like "Mother Fucker, tell me whats up and then Ill tell you where YOU went wrong" or somewhere along those lines. Its honesty at its purest. That kind of friendship is very special. Its from a place of pure love, as rude as we get with each other, its true lol

N "recruited" J into this because with my dominant personality, she felt like he could talk to me and get down to the real issues I was having. I can honestly say that NO ONE has EVER talked to me the way J does. Even my husband says that. My kids get a kick out of hearing him me call me out on my shit because no one does. I dont allow it and I dont take it well so I project all that shit elsewhere. I cant do that with J. He is literally is in my face, here is what youre doing and gives me a male's point of view on what he thinks of the situation. Whats even better is that he knows Sean as well, in some ways better, than me. J doesnt give a damn if I get pissed at him because me hearing the truth and getting mad is better than me being in denial about what I THINK is the problem. He knows I love him and if I get pissed, Ill get over it. I love our dynamic though. He wont hesitate in calling me a dumbass mother fucker because I refuse to see Sean's side of anything. Because Im so self righteous and because Im hypocritical...TO THE MAX.

Well I proceeded to ATTEMPT to unleash to J everything I unleashed to N earlier. Well that didnt go over the same AT ALL! It turned into what is the REAL issue and why am I so pissed at little shit to the extreme it got to. Every little issue I THOUGHT I had, J had a rebuttal in that my expectations of Sean were unreal...as in not realistic at all. I was contradictory, I was hypocritical and talk about double standard...absofuckinglutely. NEVER has my relationship and the fact that Im a bratty bitch been thrown back at me...EVER! It was a rude awakening but one that I needed badly. So after alot of talking, me ALMOST crying, it all came out. What the deep seeded issue was. Why Ive been so angry and so SAD. See, I wasnt angry...annoyed but I wasnt angry at Sean at all. Bottom line, I was SAD. VERY SAD. Sadness is an emotion that I dont allow myself to feel at all. Its much easier for me to get pissed and project on to others, mostly my husband who doesnt deserve it. My sadness is because simply...

I WANT MY HUSBAND HOME.

Hearing those words, saying those words felt like a flood rushing over me. I am tired of being alone. I am struggling to find my place in this world. I am struggling with taking care of me. Brooke doesnt matter. Brooke can handle anything that comes her way. Shes fucking SUPERWOMAN and being vulnerable is NOT in her nature. Being vulnerable to the ONE person she should be with is definitely not in her nature. She is has to be strong and have her shit together and NO ONE can see her be "weak" whatsoever. She doesnt need anyone to help her with anything. SHE CAN DO IT ALL ALONE because shes a badass and can deal. Sean doesnt need to know what she is dealing with on the real because he cant handle it. He doesnt need to take on her issues because he doesnt need stress added to his life over there.

Well, Brooke is a hard headed, delusional, self righteous DUMBASS.

As J and N are pointing all of this out to me, Im realizing all of what they are saying is true. I dont WANT to have this disconnection with my husband. I want to be able to trust him enough to take care of me emotionally. But god damm, letting these walls down...IDK man! Letting him see me cry, allowing him to be there for me, accepting the love I know he has for me...sooooo difficult for me. Ive always been the strong one, the dominant one, the one with all the answers. He's been the emotionless, blank, hard working, passive one that doesnt say half of what is on his mind for fear that I will chop his fucking head off (another realization I had during this "intervention"). Sean even compared me to a praying mantis, you know, the one that bites the head off her mate. Yea, totally true and totally me.

I wasnt sure if Sean would call me at our normal time because the last texts we had were not nice at all and he knew I was in a rage. Part of me thought he would but part of me didnt just for the fact he knows Im a bitch when Im in this place. He called. I declined to let J and N know he was calling..a second later Sean texts me "Come on"...I hang up with J and N and I call him back. 

"We have to figure this shit out"...30 mins later, I was a blubbering fool. I couldnt breathe out of my nose because it was so stuffy from crying. Granted, I tilted my phone to the ceiling at times, it was hard for me to look directly at him during this but the flood gates opened...well, more likely EXPLODED. Surprisingly, I allowed myself to see how he felt, too. The things he doesnt tell me came out. The feelings he is usually passive about were seen and felt. So I WASNT alone! OMG! The every day life he misses out on is hard for him. Being tired of being alone, he gets it. Me being the one who takes care of everything, he acknowledges it. He even offered to help pay half the bills online for me if I gave him the login and passwords lol His way of trying to take some of life's bullshit off my shoulders. I finally opened my eyes to his thoughts and feelings and the way he was dealing with our situation. I allowed myself to break down and be vulnerable, trusting him to nurture my true feelings. Putting this on him like I am supposed to. Allowing my HUSBAND to be there for me. Well, this was a totally new concept to me. In reality, if I cant open up to my husband and allow him to share OUR life together, what the fuck?! Right?! So during this deep conversation, of course I talked to him and explained in depth why I need him to do certain things, the real reason why certain things bother me. He heard me out, he understood where I was coming from and he agreed to try harder. Thats all I can ask for. Its not gonna happen overnight so I cant expect it to. 

From this "new experience", the one thing that J threw at me, the thing that sticks out and is on repeat in my head...MY EXPECTATIONS OF SEAN ARE UNREALISTIC. The responses I WANT him to have to me are unrealistic, for him. I cant expect him to act a certain way, react a certain way or do a specific thing JUST because its what I want from him. Especially if Im not making an effort to think of his feelings or how he is dealing with things. 

All of the times hes taken me for granted, Ive done the same obviously so how can I get so mad if Im doing the exact same thing? Because no one has called me out on it until now because the double standard thing is how Ive always been. How can I give such good advice to everyone else when I dont apply it to my own life? Because Im a hypocrite. Plain and simple. I need to get my shit togther and be willing to be completely open with the important people in my life before I can advise others to do that. I need to have faith in MY relationship and MY husband before I can tell others to do the same. I have to trust my husband to take care of me in the ways I obviously need before I can tell anyone else to let their walls down with their partner. 

Im not perfect. Apparently I DONT have my shit together like I like to think I do. I am a strong person but I am not bulletproof so my Superwoman cape is going in the closet for a while. At least until I can find a balance. Being vulnerable doesnt have to be scary, not when the people that matter most in your life love and care for you. 

Through all of his self awareness, trust me when I say that I STILL know what Im talking about when my friends come to me. I STILL have the answers that will work. I just need to apply them to my life. So I will use this post as a letter to myself that I can look back at to remind myself of the way I NEED to be.

Lesson learned. All I can do is work on it from this point on. My walls are high and thick. One brick, one level at a time.

Im adding this screenshot because it means the world to me and to Sean. He sent this to me as I was talking to Sean. If he gets pissed, oh well...he will deny it because hes a hard-ass so yea, I have proof what a softie he is...he is the REAL DEAL!