Strength Comes In Numbers

Wow! Its 2 days before Thanksgiving...what an insane couple of months Ive had!

Ive been thinking a lot lately...about life, my family, my friends...trying to figure out how I got to the point Im at. How I keep surviving each day. Just to give an idea of whats happened in my life the last couple of months...

*My ex mother in law passed away in September, my girls' Nana who Ive always stayed close to..
 This was a HARD loss for everyone. Its always tough when a matriarch passes away. My girls first loss as adults. We made the trip to Atlanta for her funeral. Talk about a range of emotions. We were n the area that I lived in with my ex, surrounded by memories and places and people from my abusive past with my ex husband. I had to hold it down and be strong for my kids. I was there to support them and help them deal with one of the biggest losses of their lives. Emotions ran high for everyone that week. It was good to see people I havent seen in decades. I also got to visit my mother's grave, saw my aunt and the rest of my family minus my brothers. I was able to see ALL of my nieces and nephews which was awesome! My sister and I buried our issues and reconciled and I am most grateful for that.

*Sean came home unexpectedly. The consulate in Iraq shut down per the state department and basically, he was/is out of work. While I was happy he was coming home, I was also scared. We work great as a team and even if I didnt know how we would make it, I knew we would somehow. Currently, he is set to go to Afghanistan on a new contract so its just a waiting game at this point. In the meantime, Im loving having him home and Im so grateful he is home for Thanksgiving.

*My youngest daughter and I had a MAJOR fallout. Without going into detail...she was gone and I didnt talk to her and I didnt for sure know where she was for 2 days. It was the most devastating, heartbreaking 2 days EVER. During that time, I felt like a failure as a mother. Struggling to stick to my guns about demanding respect but at the same time, wanting to cave and give in to her just to have her home. I wanted to give up completely. She is JUST LIKE ME. We clash but its never been this bad. I wanted to die. I wanted to not exist. I felt I was to blame for everything negative in my children's lives. Sean was home but he stayed out of it for the most part because he knew that her and I had to get through this. Her sisters were there for her and for me but in the end, her and I had to deal with it. After some hard realizations on both of our parts, after a long talk and after some wonderful advice from my tribe of angels (my besties), we got through it. We have an understanding and through it all, she was receptive to what I need from her as I was to her.

* Sean and I took a quick surprise trip to Oklahoma to surprise my Bestie for her birthday. What a FABULOUS weekend! They are moving so I was so glad to see her and her family!

All thats happened had me thinking a lot about who and what I get my strength from. How do I literally deal with the day to day bullshit of LIFE?! My people. Thats how. I am fortunate enough to have a handful of people in my life who are there 100% for me. Even when I dont want to reach out, they know and they have my back consistently. I need people to call me on my bullshit, uplift me, encourage me and give me support when I have no faith in myself. There are days when I dont want to wake up. I dont want to talk to anyone. When all of a sudden, I get a text from one of  my people asking how I am or what's up or if I'm ok. I get reminded of all the trials and tribulations Ive been through in my life and how I am still standing tall today. I get reminded that I have strength to deal with anything that comes along. I am reminded to have faith. I am told how special I truly am. How I impact other lives and the positivity I bring to their lives. Advice that is given is priceless. Before you know it, I am feeling competent again and I KNOW I can handle whatever comes along.

My daughters are also a HUGE part of where I get my strength and will to keep going. They are grown. I felt as though I wasnt needed anymore. They have their lives and my job raising them is done. HELL NO ITS NOT!  I specifically remember days when I literally felt useless and I was just done. Ive even told them on occasion that Im done. Truth be told, I will never be done. The thought of hanging on JUST because I have 3 children who I created, needed me to, has gotten me through some dark days. They might be raised but I know that I will ALWAYS have to be that pillar of strength for them. Being a mother to adults has challenges. Thankfully Ive seen that they still need me, just in a different capacity. I am enough. I am #1 with them and that alone gets me through the toughest of times.

Sean is my rock. His communication skills may suck at times, but without a doubt, he is there for me to the best of his ability. I no longer have expectations of him. I accept him for who he is completely. I make more of an effort to understand things from his side. Finally realizing we work better as a team has definitely been an epiphany for me.  From this angle, I know I am loved, I know I am taken care of and I know someone has my best interest in mind 100!

Faith and spirituality has been a huge factor for me lately. The unknown is scary. But its inevitable. I have learned that I need to truly have faith that things are going to be ok. I may not know how but failing is not an option so together, we will find a way to make every and any thing work. Ive done a lot of soul searching alone and with my close friends. I am open to a lot more about myself. It feels like Im learning something new every day. For the first time in a long while, I finally feel like I am cared about and loved by others. I feel it in my heart and soul that I am worthy of being loved. I dont have to take on everything by myself and there is nothing wrong with leaning on others when I feel lost. Definitely a hard pill for this strong willed, I can handle everything on my own, woman to swallow.

Through my family, through my best friends...life is not so dreary and bleak anymore for me. I see a light. It may be foggy at times but its there. I no longer feel like I am alone for the first time in forever. I DO have friends that truly care about my well being. I have a husband who loves me to no end and I have 3 amazing daughters who see me as their world. I dont have to take on every thing that comes up by myself and I dont have to have all of the answers. I have faith, hope and trust and that has become enough for me. I dont HAVE to have all the answers. I need positivity and good vibes in order for my mind and soul to be complete and I have that, finally.

My oldest daughter is moving back home this week. Finally done with her ex boyfriend of 7 yrs and she is ready to start a new life. I could not be more thrilled for her! She is strong like her mom and her future looks so bright. She hasnt lived with me since she was 17, she is now 24. It will be challenging at times but we will make it through it, like always.

So life keeps coming, throwing curve balls all the time...I feel like Ive found ways to cope and handle things in a manner that is healthy and prosperous for me and for everyone involved.

Find yourself a handful of people that bring light to your life. Find faith and hope that things happen how they are supposed to and everything happens for a reason. Dig deep inside to find your inner strength that you never knew existed. If that is hard for you, lean on your people. Let them uplift you until you can keep yourself up.

I dont know how I would survive without my people. It just wouldnt be possible and I could not be more grateful. I wont have negativity in my life anymore. I wont be emotionally or mentally drained by anyone because I have others depending on me to be strong. Peace, love and light sounds so cliche but its so spot on. Its how I must live my life today. Sean, my daughters, my family, Clara, Mel, Laurie, Carmen, Nancy (who doesnt even have social media anymore lol) and the others, you know who you are....you are my strength, you are my reason, you are my heart. Thank you for being who you are and thank you for loving me unconditionally and being there for me even when I didnt want anyone. FOREVER THANKFUL!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!! Hope 2019 brings you all you want and more!

Stay True To YOU

I remember when I was younger, even into my early adulthood, I wanted to be liked and accepted. Doesnt everyone? I never had a specific group of people I hung out with exclusively. I was just all over the place. Friends with anyone. Hoping that someone would find a trait in me that they liked so I could be one of those "lifelong" friends. The BEST FRIEND. Well, what I probably ended up giving people was someone who was rebellious, loved to party, and just went along with whatever. I wasnt a follower but I wasnt a leader either. I just went with the flow.

Fast forward to my early 30s. After a lifetime of complete chaos and negativity, I started the journey to find my TRUE SELF. When I divorced my first husband, somehow that gave me the strength I needed to TRULY find out who I was. I was able to leave an abusive situation of 13 yrs, not knowing what my future would be like. As scary as it was, it was the best decision of my life. I am who I am today because of the lessons Ive learned and the soul searching I did.

This is how Im described today, by people that know me, people that make the effort to get to know the real me. 

I am brutally honest. If I take the time to risk hurting your feelings just so you can better yourself, that shows how much you mean to me. I will risk losing you so you can be better. So you can be happy. Thankfully, most know this and they appreciate this. You cant sugarcoat shit and you surely cant sit by and watch someone you care about constantly self destruct. If you dont do what you can, what kind of friend are you? My love for my people runs deep. If I invest in you, you are worth it. I refuse to tell people what they want to hear. I dont have that in me. 

I speak my mind and I wont apologize for it. I will not walk on eggshells around anyone. I wont not say something just to spare feelings. If I see something fucked up, I will make it known. Why would anyone hide their feelings like that? I discovered by doing that, it just eats you up. It can actually add stress to your life, which no one needs. If you dont speak up, you wont achieve or get what you want. People cant read your mind be vocal about what you want or need.

If you arent contributing to my life in a positive way, I dont need you. Its that simple. Ive been through the fake and barely there friendships. I was talking to an old friend last night...I told her "If you have to wonder where you stand in someone's life, if you have to wonder what you mean to them, BYE" No one should have to wonder if they are cared about. Negativity has no place in my life. I cant handle people that are emotionally and mentally draining anymore. The ones that suck you dry! Im an empath and I tend to take on other's problems and issues. Well, I realized that the only people I will completely invest myself in are my husband, my kids and my tribe. That is who my world revolves around. Dont get me wrong, I am there for anyone, to listen, to help in any way I can. However, if I feel like Im talking to a brick wall and actions are repetitive, I will just slowly step back. Im not about to watch a train wreck continuously crash when you were given ideas and tools to make it a smooth ride.

I love hard. I will do anything in my power to fix whatever is wrong. I do it because I cant stand seeing people suffer. At the same time, if you arent helping yourself, Im done.

When I turned 40, a lot of my thoughts changed. How I view people and how I view life. Ive spent the last 6 years realizing what and who I need in my life so that I will thrive. I can honestly say Ive found it. Be kind, be honest, be loyal and be real. Yes, I require those traits in people I choose to be in my life. Encouragement breeds encouragement. Kindness breeds kindness....and so on.

I dont need a million friends. I dont need to fit in because I stand out in those people who love me for who I am. I dont need to filter how I live. I am worth being loved and liked without having to conform to what people want me to be. I am accepted because I am a good person. I have a huge heart because it makes me feel good to reach out and be there for others. Im a giver because it hurts me to see people struggle. I am loyal because I expect loyalty back. 

In today's world, with social media, its easy to find yourself comparing your life to others. Its almost inevitable. What I found out is that its also really easy to see who is fake as fuck and who isnt. Boasting and sharing are completely different. The perfect lives you see arent all that perfect. The ones who try to keep up with the Joneses are struggling. As much or as hard as it is not to compare your life to others, its IMPERATIVE that you be content with YOUR OWN life. Now, I sit back, scroll through FB, I smile and my heart is filled with joy when I see friends living their best life. I share in the successes. I hurt for their losses. The "perfect" ones...I laugh and just scroll on. I dont think people realize how transparent they really are. I share my joys, I share my lows, I am honest. I dont have the perfect family. I dont have the nicest of things. I also dont share every single detail of every event to where my life looks like a shit show from the outside looking in either lol You know we all have those FB friends who use it as a diary...PLEASE STOP LOL What I do have is MY LIFE. What I do have is plenty of love. If there are people who feel the need to try to impress people...thats pretty sad. 

When my kids get overwhelmed with life....I simply remind them that they have a roof over their heads. Food to eat and their bills are paid. I preach to them about not wasting all the energy of freaking out when in reality, life is good. Im all about solutions. Cry your cry, but dont sit in it. Spend that time figuring out how to fix it. I consider myself a strong person and that is how Ive raised my daughters. 

I guess my point is, you are in control over how you want to live. I choose to live by my rules, my standards and by what makes me feel good. Life is too short to dwell on negativity and allow it to take over your life. You cant MAKE someone do something or FORCE someone to feel a certain way. You CAN decide how you are going to react though. Youre not hurting anyone by looking out for yourself. You have to come first. Being true to you is all that matters. Being your authentic self is a great way to be. People will see this, respect this and maybe even take notes. People may see this and think "Whatever, shes just a mean bitch" LOL  Its nice to not give a damn what people think of me. My people love me. Plain and simple. Its all I need. I wont change for anyone. I can decide to do things differently but in the end, its all about making me happy and my life better. Is this selfish? NOPE! You cant be a better person for anyone until you can be ok with the person you already are.

Again I will say, if you arent real and true, I dont want you in my life. I need genuine people, good hearted people. Uplifting, encouraging, trustworthy and loyal people. I could not be more grateful that I have EXACTLY that because I refuse to settle for anything less!