...At least this is what I keep telling myself.....
Im fucking aggravated and its taking all I have to really keep this in perspective.
My husband has been home for just over 70 days since October 2015. When he chose this contracting job, I supported it 100%. The Soldier in him missed this kind of work and I knew that I could handle deployments. At the time he left for Iraq in 2015, we were both ready for him to go. We were at each other's throats. Sleeping in separate bedrooms. His presence annoyed the hell out of me. He had been home for a good 9 mths (minus 7 weeks of job training in NC) EVERY DAY, ALL DAY LONG. We were barely speaking. Just waiting and waiting for that phone call for him to deploy. The call finally came on a Friday morning. He was leaving 24 hours later. There is no time to actually let this sink in so off he went to spend over $1000 on things he would need to leave the next morning. When I took him to the airport, it was honestly awkward. We hadnt been intimate in quite some time. Not even a hug. But even though our pride was HUGE, I said fuck it..he's leaving and he is my husband. I gave him a quick kiss and hug goodbye. Told him to call me when he could and he was off.
The rotation is SUPPOSED to be 105 days deployed, 35 home with 5 days of requal in NC. During those 40 days stateside, he doesnt get paid. SO needless to say, we havent gotten to experience the short deployments. He's extended so we could save enough money to live and pay bills while he was home.
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| As you can see, we were ready for some distance between us. Our "see ya soon" at the airport |
He was gone for 7 mths the first time. He missed Thanksgiving, Christmas and everything after. He came home the day after Mother's Day. Days before our daughter was getting married. That month was INSANE! She got married. He and I went to San Antonio for the weekend. We all went to Houston to see our other daughter for a few days. We bought a brand new car, as he promised he would. He bought me an early 10th anniversary gift since he would be gone for it. A 2 ct diamond anniversary band...Im obsessed with it! His brother came to visit from Maine for a week. Our now son in law left to go to Basic Training for the Army. Life was hectic and crazy and barely had time to breathe, much less really enjoy each other like we should have. It was great having him home. Him being gone had brought us closer in a way and made us realize alot about our marriage and how we wanted it to be. When things are taken away from you, it tends to make you appreciate them more. In this case, my husband...his wife. The day after Father's Day, it was time for him to go to NC to requal and then back to Iraq. It was kind of a tease for him to be stateside for another week but not at home. During the time he was gone, we video chatted every day via Skype or FB messenger video and then he got an iPad so texting and FaceTiming was our thing.
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| Christmas 2015 "Family" pic |
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| May 9 2016, Welcome Home |
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| May 14 2016, parents of the bride...he is still jetlagged |
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| San Antonio, a weekend getaway for us |
This next deployment again lasted 7 mths. During this time, our youngest started her Junior year of high school. My son in law graduated Basic Training. Graduated AIT and made it home for Thanksgiving. After that, they moved to their first duty station in El Paso. Yay for being in the same state but seeing that Texas is fucking huge, it was still an 8 hour drive. So off they went to really begin married life. Christmas came and went. All 3 girls came home to spend it with me. For the 2nd Christmas in a row, he spent it with us via Facetime. He watched the kids open their gifts on a screen. This has happened a few times actually. I guess you could say I was used to this and I had my kids and I was happy. Sadly, in December, I lost a very good friend of mine so I took an unplanned quick trip to Oregon for his funeral. I was able to reunite with a few guys that I hadnt seen in years. They were all in Sean's unit and they are like brothers to me. Matt was one of Sean's Soldiers in 2004-5 and I knew him before I knew my husband.
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Reunion after 10 yrs, my bros
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| The 3 Amigos, RIP Matty! |
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| Our Christmas 2016 "Family" pic We were getting excited because he was coming home in January. A lot had happened the 7 mths be was gone, things between us were great and we couldnt wait for him to be home. |
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| Welcome Home #2 |
We decided to take it easy this leave. Last time, things were so hectic, he just wanted to relax. We DID decide to drive to El Paso to see the kids for a week. It was an amazing time and it was the first time any of my children hosted me in THEIR home.
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| El Paso with the kids, went to White Sands NM |
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The next week, Bay came home for an ortho appt so we took a family day trip up Dallas, where Brit was for her job training. Our favorite thing in the world is to have all the girls together at one time because with them grown and moved out, it happens very rarely. We had an amazing day with all 3 kids. Went shopping, ice skating and just had some wonderful FULL family time.
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| First FULL family pic in a long time |
Very sadly, 2 weeks after Sean came home, we had to unexpectedly put one of our dogs down.Sean is obsessed with our dogs. He loves them like they were his sons. Sometimes I think he loves them more than us. Of course that isnt true but you know how men and their dogs are. Well, that was the most devastating thing to ever happen. Patches was so special to him. I have NEVER seen my 6'4 230 lb husband lose it like that, EVER! Not when my mother passed, not when his friends were KIA, not when his own grandmother passed. My emotionless husband totally let it all out. Watching him sob and sob literally broke my heart. I stayed strong for him and I took care of all of the details. We went up to say our goodbyes and that was all he could handle. I made the arrangements for his urn, etc and picked him up and brought him home to us. I was so shocked to see my husband like this but it also was good that he could let go like that to me. I did my best to comfort him and reassure him that it was for the best. Patchy had Stage 4 kidney failure.
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| Our Patches |
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| Patchy, Max and Brady |
That was February. We had talked a little about buying a house finally. We were tired of renting. In March, I literally looked at a house in our neighborhood. It was bigger than what we wanted but the price was unreal so 3 days later, we were in escrow. By April 19, we were official homeowners. Yes, I purchased a home by myself via his Power Of Attorney and I moved in all by myself. Luckily the move was literally around the corner. It happened FAST! Its a huge house, too big for just Brandy and I but I will have grandchildren one day and it has plenty of room for that and for when my kids come home to visit. Mind you, Sean had only seen this home in pictures and Facetime. Talk about total trust in your spouse! I was shocked because I actually did this by myself. I felt really accomplished. This was HUGE!
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| Officially homeowners! |
He just sprung this on me the other day. Him extending longer. We expected him home for Christmas for the first time in 3 yrs. I dont think that is happening. My struggle, is him being away so much and making all this money worth it?? I have NO FUCKING IDEA. All I DO know is this is what has to happen right now. Not only do we have bills to pay, we now have a mortgage, trying to pay off credit cards, Christmas for the kids, home improvements we want to do now we finally own a home. Life doesnt give a fuck that Im lonely, withdrawn or pissed off more than half the time. Life doesnt give a fuck what is going on with me...so I just have to keep waking up each day to my boring life and fucking LIVE. Thankfully, I have people in my life that understand empathize with me, understand and allow me to have my moments. They also remind me of my strength. They remind me that I can do this, no matter how bad I want to say FUCK IT. I wake up every day, the same thing..its so monotonous but in reality, its what I make of it. I choose to be this way. Sometimes I feel like Wonder Woman and other times I feel like a lazy, piece of shit.
During our FT call last night, I asked him flat out
"Why are we married?
His response
"Because we love each other and do what needs to be done together to make it in life"
Well, that is pretty self explanatory, right? So in that moment, he saw the frustration in my eyes, heard it in my voice. So instead of feeding into it, he took the reigns and said
"Look, I know this sucks, I want to be home just as bad as you want me home but this is what we have to do right now"
Hes completely correct. I needed him to be strong right then, not coddling. I guess it doesnt help that my hormones are all fucked this week but he knew that too lol I know he feels guilty but he also knows he is doing his part to take care of our family. I cant really be mad at that. So here I sit, typing out my feelings, hoping to find some sort of peace or resolution to the mixed feelings Im having from all of this. Sacrifice. Its what we do. Its what he does and what he's always done. I will suck it up and deal with whatever comes our way. I know all about never making plans. I know about this deployed life. We had a choice as civilians to make deployments our life and again and together, we did just that. THIS WONT LAST FOREVER. It better not! We will have our time where he is stateside and we can finally live our kid free marriage like we want. Go on trips, enjoy each other, etc. Its just a matter of time...time just needs to hurry up a bit.
THIS IS THE LIFE WE CHOSE SO EMBRACE THE SUCK AND KEEP ON KEEPING ON.
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