Disconnection

This saying could not be more true.....Its happened to my marriage many times in the 13 years we've been together.

At this moment, the disconnection between us is REAL. I want to blame the deployment, I want to blame him. The bad thing is I DO blame him TO him. 

My husband isnt the most romantic, most mature man. I will blame his parents and the way he was raised and I will blame the Army and the fact that he was Infantry for 14 yrs. If you dont know, Infantry Soldiers aka Grunts are not known for their maturity levels...of course they arent stupid but if you know military people, you know they are foul, smartass, gross and immature as hell lol Its the just way they are. Ive fully accepted that in my husband. I will admit, he is freakin hilarious. His friends are great and funny as hell too. Here is where it gets hard for me...

I am 8.5 yrs older than him. As our marriage grew, as we grew..I feel like we grew in different ways. I had a lot of realizations as I entered my 40s. Hes not even 40 yrs old yet and then throw in the Grunt mentality..Lord help me.

As the years went on, we had major struggles and I literally had to tell him where I was at and how I needed him to be about certain things. It was all driving me crazy! Even to the point I wondered if there was an older man out there and I needed to be with because it seemed like my husband would never grow up.

So today...right before I started this, I hung up on his FT call and texted him

"Dont call me tonight or for a few days. I mean it"

So that is what I do when he annoys me to a point or pisses me off. Is that the right thing to do? Probably not. However, it saved me from screaming my head off and calling him all sorts of names and going postal....because that is what I do when Im pissed the hell off. What makes it worse, he just literally sits there with a blank look on his face with no emotion, no response, NOTHING. That in itself has ALWAYS pissed me off about him. His lack of response has caused major fights between us, while he was home AND deployed. Being deployed now, its different. We dont really get to resolve issues. He isnt here to where I can actually see a change. How it ends up is, he apologizes, I say things wont change and I am aggravated until eventually I see there is no point and it just gets dropped.

MY problem with that, it festers inside and I literally explode on his ass at least once a month. Usually when Im PMSing which he is on top of most of the time. He is very passive, too chill and puts off the feeling that he doesnt give a shit. He RARELY voices it, if he does at all. Hes just not that emotional, mushy, sweet talker kind of man. He was at one point but that was many many years ago. In the "honeymoon phase" of our relationship. 

The thing about his passiveness that is a POSITIVE is that he meshes so well with our girls. They go to him when they want calm advice, calm feedback or want to laugh. Dad is the good cop, Ive always been the bad cop. It works for me because he DOES support me and talks to the girls calmly but tells them exactly what I say in a different tone so they actually listen. So in that way, it works and we even each other out. We have our parental roles and the girls know who to go to for what.

What sucks about deployment disconnection...there is no kissing and making up. There is no comforting hugging or holding. There is obviously no makeup sex. So how the fuck do you resolve problems and work through them being 7600 miles apart for months on end???

In a few days, probably sooner because he is relentless about calling me daily. If I dont answer, or decline his call, he calls any or all of the girls to get me on the phone. Usually my youngest since she's at home with me and she brings her phone to me.I will calmly tell him why I got pissed, what annoys the fuck out of me, etc..he will say he's sorry. I will tell him this shit cant keep happening and he will say he understands and will work on it. Then it will be great for a few weeks until something else comes up. Welcome to my rollercoaster ride.

Stuff that DOESNT cross my mind when things are bad...Divorce. That is not an option. Its almost happened a few times but we both came to the conclusion a long time ago that we are forever. No matter what. There is no one else we would want to be pissed off at than each other, if that makes sense. Now will I make him sleep in the spare room and be a bitch for days on end when hes home? Fuck yes because Ive done it a few times before. But us actually separating and ending our marriage isnt an option. Our marriage may not be 100% jolly and happy but it works for us. Another thing that doesnt come to mind is distractions. No, neither of us are looking for distractions from our problems. There is 150% trust between us and we know without a doubt, its only us for each other. So he continues to work, I continue to be in a shitty mood. Usually very snappy with the kids. They call Dad to tell him to make things better because Mom is being a bitch, etc...

The disconnect is inevitable. We are literally worlds apart. Its figuring out how to deal with it without being destructive. Its about finding a way to communicate to your spouse about what's going on in a way they will listen and understand. So I need this few days to calm down, to realize that I do love him and that this is another thing we will get passed. The girls pretty much ALWAYS side with him which is annoying but also wonderful. I love the relationship he has with them. It has nothing to do with me but that is an entire other blog lol

Marriage is fucking HARD. Put distance in there, its harder! But it CAN be done and it CAN work. Its takes a lot but if youre in it 100%, things will always find a way. Its about having total faith in your partner and in what you share together. Its about knowing that you will grow old with this person. Accepting that neither of us is perfect. No where close. Also, no one else would put up with either of us except us.

Writing this blog has actually calmed me down but being a self righteous bitch in these situations, I probably still wont talk to him if he calls. Let him realize himself what made me angry. Let him think it over. Let me think about stuff. Then we will come together and laugh together and talk about our days, as usual.

LOVE ISN'T PERFECT, IT JUST HAS TO BE PERFECT FOR YOU.

If this is any indication what my husband is like, I just bought him this coffee mug and he LOVED it and was completely thrilled lol