When I started having children, I never thought too much on how they would turn out as adults. Thinking of them in their 20s really seemed a lifetime away. All that mattered is that they were fed, clothed, housed and I was doing everything in my power to make sure their giggles and smiles were a daily constant. All anyone ever wants is their children to be happy in the end.
Today, two of my daughters are in their 20s, living away from my home and the last one is almost 18, graduating high school in June. Seriously, where did the time go?! I see friends my age with small children, I see kids that Ive watched grow up and start their own families. Needless to say, I feel old. At times, I wish I had those times back with my babies. Dressing up for Halloween, the innocent excitement around the holidays. Planning huge themed birthday parties. Putting my babies to bed every night...the times when I was needed every single minute of every single day. The times when a nap wasnt possible. When I couldnt pee without a little girl knocking at the door or literally sitting in the bathroom with me. Even something as simple as pouring them a drink 50 times a day whenever they were thirsty. Being a mom to babies and small children is NEVERENDING, its exhausting but oh how I miss it now.
When my oldest left home, it was to go live with her boyfriend back in Louisiana. We were in Texas at the time. She did it in a shady way. She went to visit him and informed me she wasnt coming back. Talk about a gut punch! She was 18, I knew there was really nothing I could do about it. My first thought was "Was her life here that bad that she has to run away from me?" I was pretty distraught for a couple weeks and it was hard for me not to take this personally. I learned later on, I had no reason to feel that way and it wasnt about me at all. She needed to find her way...the way SHE wanted to. She didnt graduate HS, she was moving back to that little shit town where they met when we were stationed there, she had no job. At 18, what could I do about it? Not a damn thing. Acceptance eventually came. I didnt have a choice. I could decide to not talk to her or be supportive but that is pointless. She is my daughter, Im her mother. Its my job to be there for her and guide her the best I could. Her sisters were indifferent and when she left, our family dynamic changed. Yes, ONE person can make a huge difference. Through the years, she came back home a few times. In my mind, I hoped it was permanent. But I knew better. Fights and breakups happen. Especially with young couples who are trying to find their way in their lives. Thankfully, she ended up getting her GED so I was satisfied with that. During these times, it was my job to make sure her life continued. She was an adult now, not a teenager, not a baby. She couldnt hole up in her room and be depressed. She had a life to create for herself and it was my job to make sure she did just that. I am very grateful today and very proud of her. She is back in Louisiana now, after living in Houston for 3 years...with the same boyfriend. They are going on 7 years being together. They FINALLY have their shit together. They have their own house, great jobs and are living THEIR life together. I dont see her often enough so thank god for FaceTime.
I finally got used to having just my two younger girls at home. Both in school, doing their thing. Bay really cracked down her Junior year and her life consisted of school and work. That was it. We rewarded her with a car for her 16th birthday. I was looking forward to her graduating and going to college, etc. In the meantime, I was dealing with my youngest going through a rebellious stage in her life so my plate was totally full at this time. Bay's senior year came around. She continued to do amazing in school. She had a boyfriend who was just a great kid all around. Before we knew it, Graduation was just around the corner. She was working, he was working...their down time was spent together and they were just happy. When they graduated, they had a plan. They both enrolled in CTC and went to college during the day and worked at night. Well halfway through the semester....CURVE BALL! James decided he wanted to enlist in the Army. College wasnt his thing. He's not my son so my opinions on this didnt matter. Well Bay stayed with it. But together, they made the decision that they wanted to get married before he left for Basic. WHAT?!!! My daughter getting married at 18 yrs old?!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD! I wasnt against it because of James because we loved him and he was part of our family anyway. It was the mother in me worrying about what her life was going to be like. Obviously, she knew this Army life being an Army Brat. I used that to bring me back down to earth and think rationally. James is an Army Brat too so him enlisting wasnt a total shocker. So these 2 kids that JUST graduated high school decided to take after their parents...him enlisting like his parents and her being an Army Wife, like me. I honestly had no argument. While I didnt prefer this lifestyle for her, I knew without a doubt that she could do it. She had what it takes to live this life and I KNEW that I could guide her and mold her into being a strong, brave and resilient Army Wife. Sean was deployed and he came home a week before their wedding. It wasnt huge but it was enough for them. Courthouse wedding, which is the Army norm, then a family get together after. What an overwhelming week! Sean coming home, preparing this wedding, Bay finishing her finals the DAY before she got married. CRAZY is an understatement. Learning to adapt to things that come up is what we do. Its the "Army Way" so this was just one of those situations. With the support of both of their families, I knew they would be ok. She was home through his Basic Training and AIT. 6 mths. She visited him a few times, we all went to Ft Jackson for his BCT Graduation, she went to Ft Leonard Wood for his AIT Graduation. It was hard for her, she had her moments but damn, she is fucking amazing. She kept herself busy when he was gone, had her quick sad moments but didnt let it define her and she kept living her life while he did what he had to do. With her home, she was my right hand. She ran errands for me, helped with driving Bran where ever she needed to be, she did what an young adult would do to help out their parents. When it was time for her to leave in November for their first duty station...I was dreading it. Luckily they got Ft Bliss...still in Texas but 8 hours away. But I had to cut my rope and let her go live her married life her way. I held onto to the fact they were coming home for Christmas so that definitely helped that goodbye not seem so bad. Bran and Bay got super close by this time and it devastated her when her sister and best friend left. Well, the kids have been in El Paso for almost a year now. They come home a lot and I definitely love that. Bran has visited a lot, as well. We enjoy them being so accessible now because we know we wont have this luxury when they PCS somewhere else. They are doing WONDERFUL! James is kicking ass and fast tracking in the Army, Bailey is finding her place...looking for a job to keep her busy. They are finding out what being in the real world is about...paying bills, responsibilities, etc. Could NOT be more proud!
Currently, its just me and Bran. Shes in her senior year and working, as well...she is my LAST ONE home. I cant lie so I will say that I almost thought this day wouldnt be here. She is my mini me. She was me as a teenager. Lord, this child gave me 90% of my grey hair and worked my nerves to the core! Her younger teenage years couldve been the death of me. Rebellious is an understatement. Without going into details...the sneaking out, the lying, the partying, the not caring about her grades...HELLO YOUNG BROOKE! For reasons we wont go into, she didnt get her license when she turned 16. Bad decisions have consequences. However, I DID start hounding her to get a job. I felt like it was important and that she needed something in her life to distract her from the bad choices she was making. Her first interview ever, she nailed it and was hired on the spot. I knew I would have to take her and pick her up, etc but what else was I going to do? Its not like I had a life so it was all good. This job was the BEST thing thats ever happened to her. TOTAL 180! She has been there over a year. In this last year, she has shown what amazing work ethic she has. She is learning the value of money. While she doesnt have a lot of responsibility, she does pay her phone bill and she realizes that if she doesnt work, she wont have the money to do the things she wants. Ive made it clear that her extra curricular and social life will not be on my dime and it shouldnt. When she has those moments of wanting to quit, she doesnt. She likes making money. She knows they count on her and doesnt want to let them down. During football season, she has A LOT on her plate. School, work and filming football games...JV and Varsity...even traveling with the team hours away for games. Her schedule is full. This last year, she has grown so much. The time we spend together is cherished. She tells me everything going on in her life. She has no time to get in trouble and finally, she is making good choices and using her head to make good decisions and judgments in her life. Its hard but I finally see her as a semi young adult. She knows this year is it. No more making up classes she does bad in, no more summer school opportunities..if she does bad, she wont walk across that stage in June. Its simple. She doesnt know what she wants to do after high school and thats ok. Our agreement is that she will continue to work and take classes at CTC until she figures it out. She will find her way. She has to because I cant do it for her.
So my girls are grown. My nest is pretty much empty. Bran is never here so Im alone most of the time. Thank God for my dogs lol They give me a purpose haha With all of the girls living THEIR lives, making their own decisions. Knowing that wrong choices have consequences..it would be easy to say that my job is done. I look at them with so much pride. They are strong, resilient, independent, smart young women. The life lessons I raised them with shine throughout their daily lives. They arent involved in drugs, they arent out being irresponsible, they are caring, empathetic, well rounded women. I couldnt ask for more than that. I think Ive done a pretty damn good job, considering the lives we lived when I had them to now.
The BEST part of all of this is...my job is NOT done! It never will be. Ive gotten sad, even depressed about them growing up and going out on their own into this world. This world that I cant shelter and protect them from. This world where I cant control what they do. I can guide them but the end decision is theirs and theirs alone. I have no choice but to let them fly. Make their own decisions...be there if they fall. I am their mother and that will never change. To this day, I am so fortunate that we are all as close as we are. Brit still calls me when she is sick, calls me for the tiniest reasons, advice, etc...at almost 23 yrs old, she still needs her Momma every other day. Bay is 20, married and living her life but this one...ohhhh she is a mommas girl through and through. Literally calls me 10 times a day, even if its to bitch at me for not calling her! Bran voluntarily tells me whats happening in her life. Hangs out with me, actually treats me like her friend, which is HUGE for teenagers! We clash a lot but its because we are just alike and what 17 yr old DOESNT clash with their mom? Granted, my girls still piss me off, they have my attitude after all. But they know I am there for them, no matter what. I guide them to make the best decisions for them. I make them choose for themselves. I dont tell them what to do because its now their lives. They have to live with the consequences of what they do, whether its good or bad. Good times and the struggles. Its called learning to survive in this world. if they struggle, I help them figure out solutions. If they fall, Im there to help them pick themselves back up because I can no longer do it for them. Yes, I still spoil them. Theyre my babies. Yes, I still help them out financially if they need it...however, the difference is now, they know they have to pay me back. They know they always have a home here. After all, they are a huge part of what makes this a home for me. I will always have rooms for them to sleep in. I will always spoil them when they visit. I will cook what they like, I will stock my house with little things they like. I will go out of my way to make sure they never leave my house empty handed. Whether its sending them off with something as small as food for their trips home. This is a way of doing things that I learned from my mother. I want my girls to feel like I did when I went home to visit my mom. Even though I get lonely and sad at times, I know that my girls will always need me. I will always be their #1. I have 3 best friends for the rest of my life. SO grateful that I literally know what my grown children are doing and how they are doing on a daily basis. I hope this never changes. Not all parents are this lucky. Not all parents are this close with their grown children. Seeing them today confirms that through all the doubt I had, all the fears I had raising them..they turned out pretty damn amazing. As hard as it is to cut the strings and let them fly, I have total faith that they will do whats best for them and I take solace in that they know in their hearts, this will always feel like home for them and I will always be there in any and every thing they go through in life.
Now....to figure out what to do with myself. With Sean deployed, its hard to get excited about this chapter of my life. We are supposed to be enjoying this kid free time together. But life has its curve balls and we just have to adapt. i will find my way eventually. I will figure out how to find a life of my own. But for now, Im going to drown in my girls' lives while I can. Take in every second of Bran's senior year. Sean and I will have our time. Its just a MATTER of time. Soaking in the present, knowing futures are unknown. I have to learn to enjoy this point in my life now because at some point, I will have grandkids and that is a whole other experience that will make my world turn upside down, but in a good way.
Life goes on, time goes by, you just have to learn to use that time the best way possible...for YOU!
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